My boyfriend said I'm not very empathetic to his needs

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Me and my boyfriend went away for the weekend. On the journey back home yesterday (which was an approximately 2 and half hour drive which he did) he complained of being tired and bad back etc. We stopped off at a service station so that he could get 5 minutes kip because he felt he might fall asleep at the wheel if he didn't. I told him I would pop to the loo and did he want a coffee/sandwich etc. I went to the loo first, then went and got him a coffee. The lid was not put on properly and spilled hot coffee all over my hand so popped into the bathroom again to run cold water over it. Anyway when I got to the car he was really annoyed asking why I had taken so long so I explained that there had been a queue at Starbucks and also that I had spilled hot coffee all over my hand so wanted to run cold water over it. He then said that he didn't want it as it been into the ladies bathroom and therefore it was unhygienic. I told him that I had not been to the loo, only to wash my hand and it had only been near the sinks etc. He was going to throw it away but I told him no, I had just bought it for him so he should drink it- which he did. He didn't say thank you for the coffee and only asked if my hand was OK until later on.

Anyway we start our journey again and he complains of a bad back, to which I start rubbing his back and he asks for a massage when we get back. I say yes, I can give you a massage. He then has a go at me for not offering one first saying that he always offers to give me a massage and that he should not have to always ask for one. I tell him I was going to offer anyway but he got there first and he said he didn't believe me. He says this is further evidence of me not being very empathetic to his needs.

He had been in a grump earlier after we had had quite a long walk near where were staying. We had for most of the walk walked together, chatting etc but on the final leg to the car park we had to go up a narrow winding roadside which made it difficult to walk side by side. I ended up walking a bit in front of him and this upset him because it made it look like we might of had a falling out. He had a go at me because he had mentioned this before in previous walks and that I should remember this.

He had been unwell last week with a D & V virus. He said that I was uncaring towards him because I did not offer to come round to look after him, bring him food/medicines etc. I have a 3 yo DD who I look after full time on my own and it would be quite a slog for us to get to his from where we live. Also he described his illness to me and I thought I don't want to run the risk of either of us catching it so didn't offer. But I think I got the tone from him when I spoke to him when he was ill that it would be best for us not to come.

I know this is all quite petty but it is not out of character for my boyfriend of 8 months to be like this. It irks me because I don't like the accusation that I am unempathetic towards him as he often does things repeatedly that get on my nerves which I tell him all the time. He complains if I seemingly don't help him - but doesn't remember all the times I have done nice things for him like offering massages in the past if he's had a bad day, or helping him tidy the kitchen, cooking for him, looking after him after a recent operation etc.

He will often get annoyed if I haven't done something he needs help with. I told him that I am not a psychic and that sometimes he needs to ask, otherwise I won't know. Also usually when he does 'ask' if comes out all angry and hostile which makes me not really want to help. For example I didn't like the feeling of 'having' to give him a massage. I otherwise consider myself to be reasonably helpful in that I will help/offer to help if I can see something needs doing.

Sorry this is so long, its just its weighing on me and also would like some MN views on who is being unreasonable.

8 months?

Get rid. He'll not get any better.

FlimFlammer, you have reminded of the time an ex said I had shown him up by 'talking loudly' in a supermarket (about some freezer goods ffs), as if anyone gave a shit.

I suspect these men think they are permanently starring in a documentary of their own lives.

He's a twat.

What does he do to help you, btw?

You were already giving him a massage, when he asked you for one at home and you hadn't got home yet.

Dump him now before you fall in the trap of living together.

Just be glad you figured him out before any more of your time was wasted on him.

Hiya. I'm still here. I am a bit surprised at the volume of people saying that he is being totally unreasonable. I was expecting at least a few to say something along the lines of 'perhaps he was a bit tired' etc.

Some people have asked what needs of mine he meets. Most of the time we get on very well, we have lots in common and generally have a good time when we are together. He can also be supportive of me if I am having a bad day etc.

But every now again he behaves like he does in my opening thread. It usually catches me unawares, like one minute we seem to be having a great time, are relaxed together etc and the next minute he latches onto something that I have done that has pissed him off. He will often then use that as a potential reason why perhaps we are not meant to be together. I often find this throws me a bit because usually he is quite full on, telling me he loves me, wants to marry me and and that I am 'the one' etc.

It does annoy me because otherwise I think it has got potential for being a great relationship. I find that when he latches onto something that I have done 'wrong' no amount of me trying to tell him otherwise seems to change his mind. I find he often thinks in black and white, all-or-nothing terms.

TBH I have had lots of shitty relationships, starting with the relationship with my parents so I think I do have quite skewed ideas about what a normal healthy relationship is. That is why I wrote my post because I really didn't know if I was being unreasonable (either because I hadn't been caring enough of him or that I was annoyed that he accused me of the same).

This is not a normal healthy relationship, take our word for it. All these sensible people with intact boundaries cannot be wrong

The way he is acting nice/nasty is to hook you in. Nobody would date a 100% nasty person would they ? You hang on because you know he can be great...the problem is he is in control of when he shows that face and you are like a puppet on a string to him

If you stay together, you will have to turn into a Stepford Wife or expect the nasty face more in evidence every single time you assert your right to stand up for yourself

A miserable prospect, and a much bigger deal to extricate yourself from further down the line

You have been warned. It's up to you whether you heed that warning.

cycle of abuse

You are having to make far too many adjustments for only 8 months in. He's still on his best behaviour. He's going to get worse not better. You can not fix him .

He is behaving in a childish and self-centered manner.

However I suspect I have been guilty of this sort of thing in the past. Not because I was angry with DH but simply because I never had the self-confidence to beleive he really loved and valued me. Not all the time but when I was feeling really low or tired. I was passively aggressively demanding he reassure me - thing is DH needed to be told in plain English not in stroppy hints. Now I don't know if that is the case with him, and whether you are prepared to tackle it or put up with it, just putting it out there as a suggestion.

He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a geisha!

He's breathtakingly selfish. Get rid.

Listen to AnyFucker. That's the sum of it. the all-or-nothing shit, you'd see NOTHING once he had you hooked in for good, just all the bad stuff, how you 'don't come up to scratch'. He's training you.

Have you had any therapy re your parents and subsequent shit relationships? You're in one now (sorry). YOu have to do the work to change the model or you'll keep going for shit relationships. Sorry, OP.

Op, I think your bad previous experiences have made you immune to this low level abusive behaviour- I have never heard the like of it regarding walking ahead. I think if you carry on you will be on eggshells all the time. Why do you think he's so great- because he says he will marry you and you are 'the one'? If so, sorry that isn't a good enough reason, he's not a nice person, because nice people don't do this stuff, they just don't.

I would also worry you have a little one, so when is he going to start telling you that she is wrong in some way or you are handling things wrong or he will get jealous. I very much doubt someone that childish will be able to be a mature and good-role model dad.

Sorry, that's a duff one you caught there, you sound lovely, please think about whether your desire for a happy family in the general sense is blinding you to the obvious fact this man is a bit unpleasant.

I forgot, he already has shown disregard for protecting your child from D amd V by being cross you weren't there to nurse him. He's not a nice person, sorry.

Do listen to AF. The cycle of abuse, 'nice/nasty', 'good cop/bad cop' routine is a very well-known behaviour pattern in which there is only ever one outcome..... crushed spirit.... yours..... as you struggle to pacify his increasingly frequent and increasingly irrational complaints.

I'd suggest you read this link about the early warning signs of abusive men. Particular this part...

Very Early Warning Sign #5: Pettiness
If he makes a big deal out of nothing or focuses on one small, negative aspect of an issue, a relationship with him will be disastrous. This might show itself as being extremely particular about how his food is prepared in a restaurant or seeming impatient if someone drops something.

In a love relationship, his petty attitudes and behaviour will make you feel reduced to some small mistake, as if nothing you have ever done right in your life matters. You will feel criticized and diminished for the smallest of infractions, real or imagined.

Get him binned, do it now. Don't wait for months to turn into years, and to become trapped.

Don't acquire baggage with this tosser then refuse to leave him later when the abuse cycle cranks up because you have kids together.

He's deliberately making it impossible for you to please him. You'll always be struggling just to keep the peace. Don't make the mistake so many women have made.

But every now again he behaves like he does in my opening thread.

Yes love, that's how it starts. Get you well trained so that when it ramps up [and it will] he can always say 'you knew what I was like before we moved in/got married' etc.

Really, it's a red flag. Loads of us have been there. Real men do not do this. Honest.

You are in a cycle of abuse. And only YOU can stop it. Do the Freedom Programme now. And bin this man. It does not have the potential to be a great relationship. It's already a shit one. He is gaslighting you classically, emotionally headfucking you.

You, and your child, do not need a man like this in your lives.

like one minute we seem to be having a great time, are relaxed together etc and the next minute he latches onto something that I have done that has pissed him off. He will often then use that as a potential reason why perhaps we are not meant to be together. I often find this throws me a bit because usually he is quite full on, telling me he loves me, wants to marry me and and that I am 'the one' etc.

How do you respond when he uses things as a potential reason why you are not meant to be together? Maybe you should say that he perhaps has a point and see how he responds. You really, really did nothing wrong over the massage (or anything else), in fact you couldn't be more attentive. You were rubbing his back and you hadn't got home yet, but he was criticising you for not offering a massage at home. I think he is being really unfair to you. You really can do better.

TBH I have had lots of shitty relationships, starting with the relationship with my parents so I think I do have quite skewed ideas about what a normal healthy relationship is.

Yes I think you do and I did too for the same reason, but I made a conscious decision to change and to start looking for a man who was kind and tolerant, instead of harsh, critical and intolerant. You can do it too and you can find someone who deserves you. He won't change and it will only get worse. I hope you will make a decision to look for a kinder man. There are kind men out there.

"Most of the time we get on very well, we have lots in common and generally have a good time when we are together. He can also be supportive of me if I am having a bad day etc.

But every now again he behaves like he does in my opening thread. It usually catches me unawares, like one minute we seem to be having a great time, are relaxed together etc and the next minute he latches onto something that I have done that has pissed him off. He will often then use that as a potential reason why perhaps we are not meant to be together. I often find this throws me a bit because usually he is quite full on, telling me he loves me, wants to marry me and and that I am 'the one' etc."

This is classic abuser behaviour. Be charming to you for as long as it takes to hook you in, then start showing the true character behind the charm. Only for very short periods to start with, but the longer you are together, the more the bastard will show through and the less you will get of the charmer. The charmer will still make appearances, just to remind you of how lovely he can be - and to try to get you to recreate those early days, because you know that underneath it all he's lovely really, if only you could behave the way he needs you to...

Still, get out NOW. He is not going to improve, he is going to get WORSE.
And I expect you're grateful that he's taken you on, you having a child already, eh? Has he told you how lucky you are that he's done that yet?

All the more reason to get out now. You say your parents' relationship with you is fucked (or did you mean with each other? Or both?) - do you want to model an abusive relationship for your DD? Is this what you would want for her when she grows up, to be with an abuser?

You probably think "he's not THAT bad, I don't know what they're all on about" - but no, he's not that bad YET. Because it's still fairly early days.

He will often then use that as a potential reason why perhaps we are not meant to be together.

This is quite a common thing that I have heard of friends in RL experiencing in abusive relationships. He is all lovey dovey then when you do something "wrong" you get the message that maybe you're about to be dumped, maybe you're not up to scratch for him after all. It's a way of keeping you on your toes and always wanting to please him.

Keep reading OP! You don't have to be in this kind of relationship. You can say no to it. The fact you posted in the first place means you are open to what we're telling you and that was an important step.

It does annoy me because otherwise I think it has got potential for being a great relationship

No, it really doesn't. You can't force a square peg in a round hole and you can't make a great relationship with a selfish, needy, whiny twat even if he is nice 80% of the time.

he sounds about as far from a "real man" as I can imagine

whiny, pitiful, sulky, blaming, jumped-up pettiness, imagined slights, fixation on his mild illnesses, a tendency to see himself as centre of the universe

pretty soon you won't even find him sexually attractive...you will sleep with him to keep the nasty face away, but it will be crap. I mean, no red blooded male acts like this, fgs

you are doing yourself down, OP and also putting your daughter's security at risk

It does annoy me because otherwise I think it has got potential for being a great relationship

Yes, and that's the hook that keeps you in there, hoping that he'll stop with the shitty behaviours and increase the fun behaviour - it will never happen. The OPPOSITE will happen.

OP, this is your chance. Get out now while you still can.

Well, I'm going to be the only person to go against the grain.....

Yes some of his actions sound a bit selfish, but also there seems to be a difference in your communication styles. At one end of a spectrum of people's communication preferences are a direct approach, and at the other a more inferred approach. Someone who prefers a direct approach will identify a need and ask to have that met e.g. "I am thirsty, please get me a drink of water." While someone less direct might say "It's a long time since breakfast, I'm a bit dry."

In the second example they will expect / hope that you will pick up from that statement not only that they need a drink, but also that they would like you to get a drink for them. If you don't respond, they may try again, with a different (but still non-direct) statement. It is not be wrong or bad, and mostly not part of a deliberate strategy of emotional abuse, it may be the pattern of communication that they have seen / experienced. Someone who is a people-pleaser may well have grown up around this type of communication, and will be quick to respond to these types of statements.

By contrast someone with a preference for direct style of communication may come across as being a bit bossy or even bullying.

None of that stops him from being an arse at times, or makes it possible for you to continue in a relationship with him, but I don't quite get the universal "he's a bastard setting out on a deliberate track of emotional abuse" tone.