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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had enough of sil- the one who didbt see ds fall off the bridge

34 replies

moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 19:38

I've just totally had enough of sil- I posted a while ago under a different name about the accident with my son and then her not taking him to a and e.

It's a week to go till my c section and not only do I not want her looking after my son- she isn't, as was the plan, after I absolutely put my foot down- but I don't want her to visit at the hospital. I don't actually want to see, speak to, or about her ever, ever again.

I have felt like this for a long time, really. She treats me as someone who she needs to stay on the right side of, so that she can see dh and ds, although I've never stopped dh from seeing her, always encouraged him to spend time with her. I find her ridiculously needy on dh and has said things like she doesn't understand why she isn't with someone just like him. I find it weird. She sends my son cards on a fortnightly basis saying how much she loves him. I find it weird and intrusive.

I don't really care if she doesn't like me. I just want the problem of her to go away as dh and I invariably row before she comes to us- we live 2 hours away now so it's unusually an overnight visit, she does nothing to help, she doesn't pack a bag so she uses all my things, talks incessantly and completely ignores health issues I've got to insist I do things for her.... Agh I just can't stand her. Then we row once she leaves as I can't believe how fucking awful she is and I'm fuming from being put out and irritated to the point of internally screaming. The rows we had after the bridge incident we're absolutely epic. He just wouldn't have a word said against her. He is irrationally sad I think, that she doesn't have her own family and is not fulfilled. This gap is being filled with my family life and I can't stand it.

Help. How should I go about this.

OP posts:
SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 30/11/2014 19:52

Oh OP, I'm drained just reading that! She sounds absolutely dreadful! It's not your DP's problem that she has no family of her own.

Stick to your guns op! Don't have her pecking your head for next 20 years!!

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 30/11/2014 19:53

Sorry I don't know how you would go about it. I personally would just have to tell her to fuck off but I expect you are not as ill tempered as me!

Wise, rational ladies will be here soon :)

Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 19:58

I should add that she would like to see us weekly but even dh doesn't want that but I receive countless passive aggressive texts inviting herself round or requesting we visit. Every message sends me into a spin as I know whatever she's suggesting will cause me maximum inconvenience and stress and will doubtless cause a row with dh. I've blocked her from my phone , I'm not on fb or anything, and the lack of contact has been such a relief.

Dh has no relationship with my family particularly- civil when they are here but beyond that, he doesn't call, text, or arrange anything with them. I respect this. Why am I being forced into a relationship with someone I would avoid if I accidentally saw her in public?

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Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 20:02

Thanks silence, it's bloody is draining! Sorry to drain you too though. I am brimming with indignation and feel I should also add- on the one occasion I have stayed at her and her mums, I forgot my make up bag, we were going out for a big do and she refused to lend me hers!!!!!

OP posts:
raltheraffe · 30/11/2014 20:39

I remember the other thread and was absolutely appalled by her. Yep tell her to clear off!

scarletforya · 30/11/2014 20:44

I wouldn't entertain her any more either. Your DH will just have to get over it. She sounds painfully annoying.

Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 20:47

She really really is. I feel like I should suck it up, get on for dh sake as he loves her so much.... But it's just intolerable for me.

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Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 20:49

Yeah and about the bridge incident.... Ds has serious scarring round his eyes and cheek bone from the fall which doesn't look to me as though it will clear up anytime soon. These, the same injuries that she said couldn't be seen!!!!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 30/11/2014 20:52

I remember your thread. I could never ever forgive her for that.

Vivacia · 30/11/2014 20:53

You have got to detach from this situation. The three of you are stuck in a really unhelpful, unhealthy dynamic. I don't think this has a quick fix and I really think that counselling could help you.

Roomba · 30/11/2014 20:58

I am usually one for trying to keep the peace with trying relatives, especially if they don't live nearby so don't have to see them often. I really am Mrs Nice and put up with way too much crap from people.

But if that had happened to my son, even without ANY of the other shit you have mentioned she does, she would be picking her fucking teeth up off the floor. What happened there was utterly unforgivable.

Itsfab · 30/11/2014 20:59

I just can't get my head around how a husband who is supposed to love you so much he forsakes all overs he allows another person to cause you such pain.

I just don't know what to suggest.

I hope your little boy is better soon.

apotatoprintinapeartree · 30/11/2014 20:59

Talk to dh and tell him you are not having her ib your life anymore, its nothing personal but you don't get on and have nothing in common etc.
Let him go to visit her when he/she want to see each other.
Put your foot down and tell him it is your decision, he can't argue if you don't go back on your word.
also, tell him what behaviour you will accept, with letters every 2 weeks etc.

grumpyoldgitagain · 30/11/2014 21:27

Well I'm not wise, not rational and definitely not a lady

Think I would just put my foot down and tell her to fuck right off, sounds like she causes way more stress than necessary and you really don't need it

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 30/11/2014 22:34

"Your relative, your problem" as was posted on another thread.

Tell your DH that he can see his sister any time he likes, but she is never to cross your threshhold, be in you or your child's presence or attempt to communicate with you. If he invites her or gives her access to the house (which he is entitled to do) you will leave until she's gone.

The key to this is preserving his own autonomy. He genuinely loves her, even if a lot of it is FOG. You can't simply forbid him; real love places no bans. You have to allow him a compartment in his life for SIL, even if it's filled with rats.

No negotiating, no matter what. Good luck and courage.

RubyGoat · 30/11/2014 22:39

Agree with Disgrace ToTheYChromosome. DH can see her on the basis that you don't have to. Surely your DH can see that this will preserve family harmony & avoid more of the horrible rows? If he doesn't agree this seems like a reasonable way forward, you know where you stand in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 23:12

Thanks all. So good to feel heard and understood!!! Sorry for all the exclamation marks, its like I'm roaring inside with all this. Yes, the worst is of course what happened to my son. The rest is just trivial, but still causes me a lot of stress. I think it's still burning me up over a month later because a) he had very deep cuts on his head which still haven't healed and scarring b) he has been really clingy to me since, really not like that before and I have definitely seen a change in him - says he is scared of heights now and says he doesn't want to see the river. I'm so fucked off that he's been hurt in this way and I couldn't protect him and couldn't comfort him SadAngryAngry

OP posts:
Original poster
moshwuckler · 30/11/2014 23:14

I'm so angry with her!!!!

OP posts:
MonstrousRatbag · 01/12/2014 00:29

an overnight visit, she does nothing to help, she doesn't pack a bag so she uses all my things, talks incessantly and completely ignores health issues I've got to insist I do things for her

The best thing would be if she doesn't come to visit any more. Let your DH go to her. But even if you don't manage that, please please promise you won't let that ^^ situation continue a moment longer. If necessary, go elsewhere with DS while she visits. Because that is rude and horrid.

Artistic · 01/12/2014 00:51

I can totally empathise as I've been in an identical situation (minus DS situation). SIL was infant moving to our town for work & in-laws expected us to take her in!!! And that she will soon be married, so it's not king term!!! I had to tell DH that she is welcome, I will be leaving until she is married (soon) & then he can come get me. Thankfully DH saw my POV & refused her politely. 14 years on, she still isn't married!

You've got to draw a line with your DH. It's the only way to save your sanity.

Artistic · 01/12/2014 00:52

*Long not king!!GrinGrin

Itsfab · 01/12/2014 07:45

It is hardly not personal!

nicenewdusters · 01/12/2014 11:00

I didn't read your previous thread but the bridge incident sounds horrific, your poor son.

Nobody in their right mind would put up with your sil's behaviour. I would tell your husband that his relationship with her is his business. He obviously feels very sorry for her so you hope he can support her by texting/phoning/fb/visiting her. You however do not want her in your life, and you don't need his permission either way.

You're already rowing when anything to do with her comes up. No doubt you'll have another epic if you tell him the above. But after that what will you row about as concerns her ? Tell him you don't want to hear about her, you won't be looking at any communications from her - his sister, his responsibility.

You don't have to justify yourself, he knows why you don't want her in your life. Just ask him if the table's were turned how he would react to one of your siblings treating him like that, and your son ?

You owe her nothing. At the very least he owes you the respect of accepting your decision to have nothing to do with her. Good luck.

Original poster
moshwuckler · 01/12/2014 11:31

Thanks for posts- appreciate hearing similar stories and how putting foot down is best.

Dh pressuring me again to hAve sil here while we are at hos for c section. I do not see that it is remotely necessary but he is very emotional about it and wants her support. I love him and want to make him happy- do I cave?

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Original poster
moshwuckler · 01/12/2014 11:39

Thanks nice- cross post. I have just tried to explain what you wrote to him - he is working from home- and he just will not see that I have a right not to have a relationship with her, that I need to detach, that she is his problem. One issue is that he does not find her a problem, that my relatives are factually more challenging than her in different ways. So, he will not give me any legitimate right, it feels, to have a problem with her. He also excuses her behaviour by saying that she is awful to everyone and I need to just put up with it because he loves her and she's his family.

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