had enough of sil- the one who didbt see ds fall off the bridge

[moshwuckler]

I've just totally had enough of sil- I posted a while ago under a different name about the accident with my son and then her not taking him to a and e.

It's a week to go till my c section and not only do I not want her looking after my son- she isn't, as was the plan, after I absolutely put my foot down- but I don't want her to visit at the hospital. I don't actually want to see, speak to, or about her ever, ever again.

I have felt like this for a long time, really. She treats me as someone who she needs to stay on the right side of, so that she can see dh and ds, although I've never stopped dh from seeing her, always encouraged him to spend time with her. I find her ridiculously needy on dh and has said things like she doesn't understand why she isn't with someone just like him. I find it weird. She sends my son cards on a fortnightly basis saying how much she loves him. I find it weird and intrusive.

I don't really care if she doesn't like me. I just want the problem of her to go away as dh and I invariably row before she comes to us- we live 2 hours away now so it's unusually an overnight visit, she does nothing to help, she doesn't pack a bag so she uses all my things, talks incessantly and completely ignores health issues I've got to insist I do things for her.... Agh I just can't stand her. Then we row once she leaves as I can't believe how fucking awful she is and I'm fuming from being put out and irritated to the point of internally screaming. The rows we had after the bridge incident we're absolutely epic. He just wouldn't have a word said against her. He is irrationally sad I think, that she doesn't have her own family and is not fulfilled. This gap is being filled with my family life and I can't stand it.

Help. How should I go about this.

Don't cave. Not because you are mean, but because it just costs you too much emotionally (and physically too, if she won't acknowledge and deal with your medical issues).

Your DH needs to understand that he has to put your needs and those of DS ahead of SIL's needs/wants/demands.

It sounds like he is not prepared to be a proper decent husband, preferring to pander to his sister's unreasonable demands.

No. No. No.

Stay strong.

it is -reasonable- for him to have some contact with her.

But it is not reasonable to have her at your home (it's yours as well as his!) when she has damaged your child and when you so strongly dislike her and when she acts with such utter disrespect towards you and your things.

You will be having a flaming c-section. It's not a small operation and you absolutely do not need any more stress. If you choose to have anyone in your house at that time, it should be someone you trust and love. (My MIL only wasn't at my house during labour because I wanted her in the delivery room!)

His happiness is important but so is yours. You both need to be happy for a relationship to work and to be healthy. Where there is conflict over an issue, a man's loyalty is almost always to his wife over other family, except children. Otherwise things will start to go wrong between them.

He also excuses her behaviour by saying that she is awful to everyone and I need to just put up with it because he loves her and she's his family.

If he wants to put up with her behaving badly then that's up to him, his choice to make. He has no right to make that choice for you.

The fact that she is awful to everyone is irrelevant, if you don't want to accept that then you have the right not to and he doesn't have the right to guilt you into being bullied or whatever just because he and everyone else is too scared to stand up and call out her crappy behaviour themselves.

I treat everyone the same and if I would call out my own family for something then I would most certainly call out my dp's family for it too.

No, you don't need to put up with it because he loves her and she's his family.

He needs to accept your wishes because he loves you/you love him and you are also his family.

Do not give in. Show me the piece of paper where it says when you marry somebody you have to accept everything about all of their family. No. You married him, not her, and he needs to grow up and respect your feelings and wishes as much as hers.

It's not Top Trumps. You're not trying to make him choose and she comes out the loser. He can manage his own relationship with her, just without you. Would be interesting to know why he feels it's a justification that she's awful to everyone.

If he gets on so well with his sister why does he need you to be there? Knowing that you don't get on well with her and are really struggling with it?

Because there is a pattern one sees on here of people being in denial, or cowardly about difficult relatives and subtly using the spouse as a kind of buffer so that they can look like Mr/Ms Nice Guy and at the same time avoid having to be on their own with the Tricky Relative.

All this stuff about how if you loved him you would suck it up would make me see red. The fact is, if he loved you, he would not put this fucking awful woman in your path. He would be supporting you.

What does he say to that?

If he won't stand up for you, you will have to do it for yourself I am afraid. You will have to tell SIL she is not welcome in your home because of what happened with DS and all the rest of her behaviour. Then go NC. If DH gets mad, so what really?

He needs to make a choice. If he whinges, "Oh, you're making me choose" just say "yes, that's right. Make your choice."

I know you must feel really vulnerable at the moment but I cannot see what you are getting out of this relationship when DH doesn't seem to give a toss about your feelings.

I remember your thread about your DS and the bridge. I can't honestly see how your husband CANT see that that incident trumps everything! She is willing to minimise injury to a child to save her skin, she sounded/sounds monumentally narcissistic and a living nightmare tbh! Do not cave about the c section. You do not need to be worrying about your DS during surgery and SHE DOESNT GET A SECOND CHANCE. Phew! Bit aggro on your behalf there!

Bloody hell op, just had a look through your previous post about your son's accident.

Absolutely right that she doesn't look after your son now or in the future. Gobsmacked that your husband couldn't see his sister hadn't behaved responsibly after the accident.

Carry on sticking up for yourself. If she's so bloody wonderful he can go and live with her. Sounds like it would make your life easier at the moment !