How to deal with mismatched libidos?

[saltedcaramelicious]

I've been seeing my partner for a year. At first it was the typical every time we saw each other we were doing it.
Nowadays though it can go over a week without anything, and we don't even live together yet (but spend at least half the weeknight a together and every weekend).
He just doesn't seem as bothered by it as me. I don't know if it's because we have an age gap, I am 28 and he is 49, so maybe it's natural he doesn't want it as much. He always compliments me and says how sexy and beautiful I am and when we do do it it's amazing, he hasn't got any problems in that actual department.
I wish I wanted it less!
Do I just need to accept that we are different in this way?

[AspieMan]

TwoNoisyBoys, in the early years when the beatles toured Canada and the states I'd say they were the quintessential boy band. They morphed into something else, yes, but I think you see the similarities between the early beatles and a band like one direction, or at least in the character of their fan bases.

[Twinklestein]

I can see absolutely no similarities between the Beatles and One Direction.

John Lennon vs Harry Styles - seriously? The latter looks like a 12 year old boy.

[AspieMan]

As far as the music goes I love the beatles and I loathe one direction, but the reason for the intensity of their success (only considering the beatles in their younger years mind) is in my view identical. I've already laid out the reasons. This is maybe too far off topic to continue.

[HellKitty]

Aspieman. I have seen grown (straight) men cry at The Smiths gigs, then latterly, Johnny Marr and Morrissey gigs. So your wrong about males not having the adoration factor. I also think that girls at boyband gigs are relating to mass hysteria which has gone on since The Osmonds and co.

[dadwood]

saltedcaramelicious

To state the obvious, it sounds like he has a lower sex drive than you. You and he might be increase it a bit, if that's what he wants too.

If you have talked to him and he finds the sex fulfilling, then maybe he can look to his diet and fitness and his tiredness and stress levels.
He might find something that works in there, although if you suggest it all too quickly, he might feel a bit managed! It's up to him to make the improvements.

Some very warm body exercise for him like yoga or jogging earlier in the evening might make a difference.
Have you tried giving him a massage?

If none of it helps then I guess you have to live with his sex drive or change partner.
His sex drive does not sound abnormal to me, just on the lower end of the spectrum, whether that is acceptable or not is up to you.

[HelloitsmeFell]

OK I think this has gone a little off topic……

OP I imagine your mismatched libidos are probably to so with the age gap. Some people just do really slow down and have less desire for sex as they get older. Not sure what can be done about that really.

[AnyFucker]

Aspieman, you seem to be under the impression that every teenage girl is in a constant state of wet-knickered ecstasy about the members of boy bands

That is very far from the reality. Much of it I believe is pre teens and young teens wanting to be just like their friends which has been the same since time immemorial and there is in fact no sexual element to it at all. You are starting to sound a bit creepy now, tbh.

My own dd (now grown), for example, showed very little interest in idolising pop stars. And I agree that some males make complete tits of themselves over their musical heroes.

[dadwood]

OP does your fella drink or smoke?

[AspieMan]

AnyFucker, I'm not going to explain to you why what you said is so dumb, but trust me - it is. This board is an abomination and there is scarcely a voice of reason amongst any of you. Good riddance.

[AnyFucker]

Good riddance

I'm not going anywhere. Are you ?

[pinkorange]

What on earth is aspieman on about?

[AnyFucker]

Abominations apparently

[dadwood]

AspieMan some people have real life experience in the areas you reasoning about. Their data are better than yours, especially collectively.

This world is too complex to understand by reason from first principles without listening and learning. For example are other effects aside from theoretical imperative darwinism which are important for this thread.

I am most likely aspie too! MN is very challenging for me. It's good for aspies IMO. I am learning new ways of thinking.

[AnyFucker]

Good for you, dadwood

Unfortunately for Aspieman that ole proverb you can't teach an old dog new tricks seems to be appropriate for him, at least.

Anybody that applies evolutionary theories with absolutely no reference to cultural influences is at best a bit misguided.

[BertieBrabinger]

OH come on, I think Aspieman is getting some undue flaming on this thread. I don't think he's being entirely unreasonable actually - the problem for humans is how often we forget we are, after all, animals, and so much of our social/sexual behaviour - the details of which we analyse to the nth degree - can often just be boiled down to genetic predispositions and bog standard propagation of the species.

However, it wasn't very helpful to the OP. And it doesn't support the idea that older man would suddenly be less into much younger woman - because surely if we take the evolutionary tack then she is a fertile young catch and he is the one approaching 'husk' status.

(I am seriously furious on half of the poster whose FIL called her that. What an arsehole. But not uncommon, I'm afraid. I once heard my DH call a childless woman we both know in her 40s a 'barren old hag'. I was seriously angry with him for that, because it said a lot about how he might view me one day... )

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ignoring the bizarre ramblings upthread... Attitudes to intimacy are ultimately a compatibility issue. There's no right and wrong, just whether you are right for each other. I'd repeat the warning therefore that, in the same way you judge other incompatibilities, you work out whether they are mildly annoying, very annoying or a 'dealbreaker' BEFORE you go too far down the track of making the person a permanent fixture in your life.

There is a touching tendency, I've noticed, for people to wave away bedroom concerns as 'only sex'... as if it's something ultimately frivolous and inconsequential. Maybe they find it too embarrassing to talk about and prefer to gloss over it, I don't know. However a quick look at the many threads on this board about 'mismatched libido' will demonstrate that not taking this one seriously can lead to really huge problems a few years on.

[getthefeckouttahere]

I'm sure there will be tons who disagree with me but I have come to the conclusion that relationships with mismatched libidos lead to tension, sadness and unhappiness. My advice would be to try to resolve it but be prepared to end it and fairly quickly.

[PauletteTheTart]

Quote: AnyF-word . . "Abominations apparently"

Damned if you'll find me wearing anything so guaranteed to dampen the ardour!

[AnyFucker]

Paulette ?

[PauletteTheTart]

Quote- BertieBrabinger:- "he is the one approaching 'husk' status"

Ye gods!!! Where does that put sex-maniacs like me at 18 years older!!?

[PauletteTheTart]

CES and GTFOOH you are so right. The difficulty, however, arises when the two libidos get out-of-step as my Goddess's and mine have and as many other men find when their female partners age.

[PauletteTheTart]

Quote - AnyF-word:- "Paulette ?"

Yes? (Shouldn't this be a PM?)

[AnyFucker]

I am lost too, Buffy

Paulette, have you checked what thread you are on ?

[AnyFucker]

better still, what planet you are on ?