Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters dad

42 replies

Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:00

Not sure if this is the right place to thread this but I'm wondering if anyone else has been in the same position. I got pregnant with my daughters due to having a affair whilst I was married. My husband decided to stay with me And we registered the girls in his name on the bc. After having my girls I decided they had a right to know who their dad was and told him. I got divorced and he came into their lives. We had one of the girls dna tested for his families peace of mind and as they are identical twins he didn't have the other done. I told him from the beginning that they would both keep the same name as me wether it be my married name or maiden name. Fast forward two years and I'm remarried to a man I was with when my girls were 5 months old. I took his name and changed my girls name to the same. The girls dad is not happy and has more or less stopped contact and reduced his maintenance and childcare help and is taking me to court. He wants the girls to have his name. This contact change is really affecting my daughters and I'm at a loss at what to do I'm so worried about them and when he came for them today one of the girls didn't want to go but went because she can't be separated from her sister. Does anyone have any advice

OP posts:
dancestomyowntune · 29/11/2014 18:04

Have you told him how it is affecting the girls? Sounds very petty and ultimately his daughters are suffering as a result. How old are your daughters? Could you discuss with them what they want?

listed · 29/11/2014 18:07

How did you manage to chage their names without his permission?

I'm not surprised he's hopping. The way he's dealing with it isn't marvellous but your post seems to me as if you're trying to rewrite history.

MistAndAWeepingRain · 29/11/2014 18:11

How were you able to change her name without his knowledge? Assuming he has PR his permission is legally required.

dancestomyowntune · 29/11/2014 18:13

Not if he wasn't on the birth certificate/ his name wasn't the given surname at birth surely?

Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:13

He's totally wrong for withdrawing access, but for a father who was previously having contact and paying maintenance, I think it was wrong of you to change their names to the latest bloke!
I guess easy to change because the ex you cheated on is on the birth certificate and presumably doesn't care what name the children of his cheating wife take?
Yes, I'm being harsh - but these are his kids and nothing you have said suggests he was a bad father.
Why have you changed their names?

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:14

I didn't need his permission as he's not on there birth certificates or proved to be on of my girls dad. I have made a lot of mistakes and done everything I can to make things right but it's up to me if I want my girls to have my name. My thread is asking advice on how I can help my daughters through not seeing their dad as much and their grandparents too

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:16

And why didn't one of your daughters want to go? They're only 2.5. If he has only recently reduced contact, and reduced not stopped, I doubt they'd be affected at that age. More likely it was just normal 2.5yo behaviour or (I really hope this is not the case) picking something up from you.

dancestomyowntune · 29/11/2014 18:18

I think the best thing to do would be to arrange to meet him and explain how it his withdrawing contact is affecting the children. His unabridged is with you, but it is them that are getting hurt. If he really is going to stick to his guns could you not have their legal name changed to his, but keep the "known by" name as yours?

Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:19

It's not your name though is it? It's some other bloke's name that you've adopted.
I don't know him, your ex might be an arsehole. But not based on what you have said. So maybe he's just a guy feeling really pushed out from his daughters having "new daddy"?

I'd say the way you cope with them having reduced time with him is to sort out getting it back up to what it was.

Is this name change the only thing he is complaining about?

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:19

its not about giving my girls the latest blokes name, it's about them having my name. I'm their mother and main care giver, they live with me and have never had his name. I understand why he is unhappy and a court will decide. Do I lose my rights because I cheated??

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:20

As 3 of you had the same name already, why didn't your new husband just take your name?

basgetti · 29/11/2014 18:22

I'm a great believer in children having their mother's name. I don't understand unmarried mothers who automatically give their DCs the father's name, my DC share my maiden name and I will never change my name even if I marry DP. But you seem to be renaming your children based upon who you are in a relationship with at the time so I can actually understand their father's view on this. He probably thinks it is more important that they share his name than your new husbands.

basgetti · 29/11/2014 18:25

And he had no issue with them sharing your name previously, it is the changing of their identity to fit in with your new relationship that appears to have aggrieved him, and I think that is understandable. What if your new marriage doesn't work out? Will your DDs then get a third surname?

Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:26

But when your girls had your name, it wasn't the man who wasn't their dad's name, because it was already yours.
Now, you are telling him you are giving the girls another man's name.

My daughter has her father's name, my XH. We were married, but I kept my name, but preferred his. Divorced now, I'm happy with her name. If his new wife wanted their family to have one name, I would go batshit crazy if they proposed it was his new wife's name!!

Just avoid it all by you and your husband taking your old married name. I don't really hold with changing children's names for no good reason. But how about a double barrel, your new married name and their father's name?

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:26

but it's ok to call them after their dad who drops them when he's annoyed about a decision. He wants pr which I have said he can obtain.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:29

In fact, your new husband doesn't need to change his name. If you want the same name as your daughters, keep theirs too.

Their father is wrong to mess with the contact. How much has he reduced it?

And what about the maintenance? If he is paying less than CMS, get that sorted officially.

FluffyMcnuffy · 29/11/2014 18:29

Soy our daughters have one mans name on their birth certificate, another as their biological father and the surname of another Confused. Talk about confusing.

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:30

The name change was a massive decision, not just to fit with my new husband, I'm not trying to make a new daddy and this will be the name they keep until they tell me they want their dads name or not.

OP posts:
listed · 29/11/2014 18:31

You don't lose your rights because you cheated, you never had the right in the first place.

If he wants pr and wants to be their dad, it's up to you to facilitate it.

Sorry but you cheated on your husband, got pregnant, then by the time the girls were 5 months old you were married to a third guy?

Seems pretty flighty from where I'm standing.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:33

Actually, just re read that he has more or less stopped contact, which is awful.
But I would like to hear the other side of this tbh.
Have their been any other changes around the same time, with the marriage? (e.g. you moving further away to be with new husband?)

Stopping contact Is totally wrong. But I can well see that if he was paying above CMS in maintenance, he might be pissed off at the name change and a knee jerk "take new daddy's name happy family game - - take my kids you can pay then"

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/11/2014 18:33

You said the thread is about asking how to help the girls. I would have thought that the best way would be to allow the father more say in their lives. And not changing their surname.

It's not right but it's also not surprising the father has reacted as he has. You have left him very vulnerable in all this, which has a knock on effect to the girls.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2014 18:35

If it felt like a massive decision to you, how big did it feel to him? And he was excluded from it AND it was faints what you had promised.

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:36

Yes it's very confusing and believe me I hate myself for it all. The one thing I have managed to do is keep stability for my girls but when you have to beg him to see them and he turns up drunk and a million other things. Life isn't always perfect or how you wanted it. He's gone from seeing them most days and every other week having them 2 nights to one night and nothing through the week. Maintenance was cut to 36 a week from 60 but that's not my issue. My daughters are very grown up for their age and ask to see daddy and grandma. She wouldn't go near him today which hasn't happened before this started about a month ago

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 29/11/2014 18:39

Shouldn't have cheated in the first place op. You want to sort this out then go to mediation, if that doesn't work out go to court to get a decent amount of contact time sorted out and go through CMS. And ffs stop changing your children's names just to fit in with your life. They're not toys, they're people.

Original poster
Twinstokes81 · 29/11/2014 18:39

He's never been excluded from anything we were very good friends it's because he decided after we had decided that he wanted the girls to have his name.

OP posts: