Daughters dad

[Twinstokes81]

Not sure if this is the right place to thread this but I'm wondering if anyone else has been in the same position. I got pregnant with my daughters due to having a affair whilst I was married. My husband decided to stay with me And we registered the girls in his name on the bc. After having my girls I decided they had a right to know who their dad was and told him. I got divorced and he came into their lives. We had one of the girls dna tested for his families peace of mind and as they are identical twins he didn't have the other done. I told him from the beginning that they would both keep the same name as me wether it be my married name or maiden name. Fast forward two years and I'm remarried to a man I was with when my girls were 5 months old. I took his name and changed my girls name to the same. The girls dad is not happy and has more or less stopped contact and reduced his maintenance and childcare help and is taking me to court. He wants the girls to have his name. This contact change is really affecting my daughters and I'm at a loss at what to do I'm so worried about them and when he came for them today one of the girls didn't want to go but went because she can't be separated from her sister. Does anyone have any advice

Look, if he's being an arse about contact you can't change that. You can't force someone to be a decent dad, or to be interested.

But maybe you could improve your relationship with him by talking to him about this name change thing and finding out what's going on with him.

And there's fuck all point going to court, you can't force anyone to see a child they're not interested in, and it's not healthy to.

You had children, they have one man's name on their birth certificates, then you got with their father and now you're with someone else and you've changed the girls' name to his?

All in 2.5 years?

It might be an idea to go and get some therapy for yourself.

And if that's your idea of stability for your girls, then I truly despair.

You both need your heads banging together for the sake of your Dd's.

I can see why he's peed off, really I can.

But, regardless of the children's surname, he is still their father and needs to start acting like it.

I have only just got married, my girls have had one name change. We live where we have always lived we parent together and make decisions together but this is one we have not agreed on. I have not stopped him getting pr and he's welcome here anytime and still is.

They have had 3 fathers in their lives. And they aren't even 3 yet.

Dear goodness.

Whose name is on the girls' birth certificate as their father? Your ex-husband?

I can understand his upset.

For logic/simplicity have you considered giving your twins a double-barrelled surname - ie. your/their current surname and after the hyphen his name?

My life is not haphazard. We have a good life a nice house I work hard and provide. On paper yes it looks terrible but my daughters are thriving little girls, their dad has cut some contact and I'm worried it's effecting them, maybe it's not. Thanks for the advise although I can't change the fact I cheated or any other circumstances. I will try and communicate with the girls dad more and hope we can get some resolve. Thanks

So you changed your DDs' names to your latest man's?

With all due respect, was that wise? What if you split up with this new man?

This man whose name you have changed theirs to - he isn't your ex husband whose name they had on their birth certificate, and he isn't their biological father?

I find it staggering that you can't see how haphazard your life is.

I'm not convinced that the cut in maintenance and contact has much to do with the name change. A decent father would fight that on its own terms not deny his children money and avoid them.

Other than that I think you need to fix on surname and stick to it whatever happens in the future.

Let me get this straight:

Married - you had married surname.
You cheated - conceived twins - named them your married surname.
Divorced and remarried - renamed the girls the new married surname.
Now biological father is angry?

Understandable really.

I will try and communicate with the girls dad more and hope we can get some resolve. Thanks

Yes, this is a good idea. I would seriously consider changing their surname to his as well, to try to get some balance between the parents in their lives.

Does he have any rights at all in law if he is not on the birth certificate. Where does that leave him/them/you?

I honestly think it's in the best interest of your daughters in the long run to try to get the boundaries established in law and officially so that they don't keep changing all the time for your children and for their father.

I think it's sad for your children that you can't see how unsettling all this is for them. Yes, things happen and life doesn't always pan out as we plan but you have to acknowledge how messed up it all is.

Having a nice house doesn't mean everything is ok. Children in not nice houses can have stability if their parents provide it, children in mansions can have chaotic unsettled lives.

I think it will be damaging for your children long term if you brush all this under the carpet.