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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just threw my husband out - I don't know what happened

53 replies

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 14:46

I need to talk to someone who doesn't know us.

My husband works away a lot & was away all last week, got home last night.

He was a dick last night when we were discussing things that I feel strongly about & he admitted he was playing 'devil's advocate' and usually does. Whatever. I just wanted to talk because I missed him & having someone to talk to. It just turns into him making me feel like an idiot and having an argument.

Today I asked him to clear up after himself (and the children when he's with them) because things are everywhere as we're having work done & it can get out of control very quickly. He said he was going to do it. He didn't. So I did. I asked him to clear up after himself in the future again & he wasn't happy I'd said it again. He then tidied the bedroom & cleaned the kitchen but continued to be horrible to me.

We've argued all day & I can't stand it. He then said he was taking the kids out. Wouldn't tell me where. I didn't want him to but he was doing it to piss me off. I can't communicate with him & he makes me really angry. It isn't fair on DC for us to be arguing all the time.

I told him to leavet, he took a bag. I have never done that before. I don't really know what's going on. I just need to try to understand how I feel. He doesn't have any friends or family nearby so I don't know where he will go but I don't want him to come back because he still won't accept responsibility for anything & will be getting angrier & angrier. Except I do want him to come home because DC will be upset & he's away again next week so won't see them.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/11/2014 14:49

Well done. If you let him back in, you need to put some boundaries in place to stop it happening again. If he wants to be part of the family then he needs to join in with the parenting and adult duties.

listed · 29/11/2014 14:51

Does he often come home in a temper at the weekend? Do you think something has happened this week?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 15:01

This is your golden, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to set some boundaries.

Sit down and write it all out. All the stuff he does that you don't want him to do any longer. Coming home after having been away all week and acting like a dick should be at the top. No loving partner should make their OH feel like an idiot. Who wants to spend their long, long future with an idiot? Only an arsehole who has a desperate need to feel superior, that's who.

If he's nowhere else to go, he'll call when he's ready to apologise and stop acting like an arsehole. Resist the temptation to call him.

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 15:13

I'm wavering. I feel bad. He thinks this is all my fault. What if it is? He says I'm aggressive. I think I am, I just get so angry. He's passive aggressive and IMO that's worse because nothing gets resolved & anger eats you up & comes out in horrible ways that make everyone's lives a misery. His parents are like that.

He can be lovely sometimes & he's a wonderful father, really wonderful. I just want a happy family. And a cigarette...

OP posts:

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 15:16

I also feel guilty because he has Asperger's (as does ds1) and maybe he's the way he is because of that. Even so...

OP posts:

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 15:22

No listed it's not unusual for us to have a rubbish weekend because he's so difficult. He says I don't want him to be part of the family, that's his insecurity though.

He does need to feel superior all the time. I think he's developed this to deal with having dyslexia & other things. He is very intelligent but not socially so he's compensating and has become very arrogant.

OP posts:

ruddygreattiger · 29/11/2014 15:27

When he is away do you miss him or do you find it easier to manage without him around?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2014 15:28

Well done for telling him to leave. It is not your problem as to where he goes.

I also think he is projecting his own faults and failings onto you by calling you aggressive. He is himself both aggressive and passive aggressive.

I doubt very much he is at all anywhere near being a wonderful father if your H treats you like this.

Has your H as well been formally diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum?. Regardless ASD in itself does not cause people to act as abusively towards you as he has done. He does that also because he can.

Mrsgrumble · 29/11/2014 15:31

I am never one to say this lightly but maybe you aren't good together and would get on better apart.

I hope that isn't the wrong thing to say, but his difficulties are understandable but you shouldn't have to live like that either .

ruddygreattiger · 29/11/2014 15:34

Hardly surpring you feel angry, seems that you look after the kids during the week on your own then on the weekends hes someone else to clear up after when you are probably in real need of a break.

coppertop · 29/11/2014 15:34

I think you did the right thing.

Having Aspergers isn't a green light to treat other people and the family home with no respect. (And I say that as someone who has two children with ASD and a dh who is also almost certainly somewhere on the spectrum).

You don't have to put up with crappy behaviour.

WildBillfemale · 29/11/2014 15:36

*My husband works away a lot & was away all last week, got home last night.

He was a dick last night when we were discussing things that I feel strongly about*

Maybe he had just arrived home and didn't want the third degree but to relax and chill with his family after being away? Couldn't this 'discussion' have waited?
It does sound like you have your routine and he almost annoys you by being back. If he works away and comes back to arguments and nitpicking fights then sooner or later he won't want to come back.

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 15:39

I miss him when he isn't here. That's why I'm so disappointed when he gets home & it's like this.

I'll never get though to him that he's made this happen and that his behaviour is the problem, he says it's mine. He thinks it's all me & I've been hostile towards him since he got back. That's absolutely not true but I am stressed because of the work being done so am perhaps quicker to get angry.

He will be seeing himself as the victim now & he won't forgive me for telling him to leave.

OP posts:

attilathebun · 29/11/2014 15:43

I'm not sure what to think. Re the stuff about him playing devil's advocate, could it be that he enjoys a debate (many people do) and this was his way of spending a nice time with you? The stuff about tidying up would annoy me too but maybe would seem less of a big deal were it not for the other problems. What do you mean when you say he was horrible to you?

Sorry if it sounds like I'm interrogating here! But sounded like this might be a case of two people expressing their affection for each other in different ways, and this escalating into misunderstanding and arguments ...

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 15:48

The discussion wasn't a personal one WildBill we were watching television & casually discussing things like race & sexism. We ended up arguing because he has to be against me. He's admitted this, that he doesn't give his own opinions, he tries to get me to see the 'other sides'. He would never concede or appreciate a good point made or be persuaded, he'll carry it on & on even though he doesn't even care about the subject. He speaks to me like I'm a child & I'm always wrong no matter what I say. It's exhausting.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 29/11/2014 15:50

Tell him that if he wants to be part of a family then he has to get involved with the responsibilities of it all.

Those responsibilities include practical help, such as cleaning, tidying rooms, putting the kids toys away and so on.

You take responsibility for all if these things when he's away so when he's home you want him to pull his weight.

Just because he's finished work for the week it doesn't mean family life is finished for the week does it?

And yyy to the stress of the builders. I've just got rid of them myself and boy was it stressful when they were here and like you when dh came home I took it out on him. Simply because I was overtired and drained by it all.

So start with an apology about your over reaction and then go on to explain the above! I'm sure he's only at the pub!

BlackeyedSusan · 29/11/2014 15:53

you need to be specific about things you want or don't want to happen, though you have to be reasonable about stuff. (eg tidying up need not necessarily be done instantly but nor should it be left far too long.) (eg, say he has had a cup of coffee, finished it and is lounging bout on the sofa.. not necessary to take the cup away immediately but take it when you go through but on the other hand donot leave it several hours... or a diy project, leave stuff out for the weekend but not for the week he is away..

say you do not like it when he argues the contrary position just because... or agree not to discuss politics or religion if you are of differing opinions.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/11/2014 15:54

the arguing the oposite thing is horrible and I can see why you are upset. it is not nice. if he can not stop doing it then maybe you are better apart.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2014 15:55

Playing devil's advocate seems to be his way of excusing deliberately creating an argument. It's not a conversation technique, it's just mean and condescending. 'I'm cleverer than you'. Glad you made a stand. Whatever happens next, you've retained your self respect.

WildBillfemale · 29/11/2014 15:56

I'll never get though to him that he's made this happen and that his behaviour is the problem, he says it's mine. He thinks it's all me & I've been hostile towards him since he got back

So you both think it's each others fault but your right and he's wrong?!

right, stop being a control freak and chill, you can't force someone to have the same opinion as you.
BOTH of you are going to have to change the way you communicate.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 15:58

Getting someone else "to see the other side" when they don't even hold that opinion themselves is being inflammatory just for the sake of it. He enjoys getting you all annoyed, so he can attack you for getting angry about it. That's horribly manipulative behaviour.

He might be on the spectrum but that doesn't get him off the hook for acting like an arsehole. That just makes him an arsehole who happens to be on the spectrum.

Original poster

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 16:02

So you both think it's each others fault but your right and he's wrong?!

Yes. I honestly don't know what to do or say about that. Of course I think I'm right (essentially but I need to control my temper etc). We can't communicate.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 29/11/2014 16:03

He sounds manipulative and controlling. So he deliberately argues with you and then complains when you lose your rag and ask him to leave?

He is setting you up to feel bad OP - it sounds to me like you are finally seeing this situation for what it is. He won't like this and will be anxious for you to get back in your box.

You say he is exhausting. Only you can decide how much more of this you can take. If he doesn't see he is to blame in any way he is unlikely to change.

MistyMistletoe · 29/11/2014 16:17

Just a different perspective fwiw. If DH has been away all week it's natural for a degree of disconnect to occur.

You are effectively being a single parent all week and underneath resentment may be simmering.

The way you describe it you 'parent' your DH, although I realise I might have understood it wrong.

I speak from experience as my DH works away and has done for the most of our relationship. In the early days what you describe could have been us.

What I found helped was giving DH space when he returned and kept everything low key. No significant issues were ever discussed on his return.

It's not easy for either party as DH just wants to chill in his own home and all DW wants to do is off load emotionally and hand over the reigns of responsibility.

Hope it all works out for your family.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/11/2014 16:46

"Today I asked him to clear up after himself (and the children when he's with them) because things are everywhere as we're having work done & it can get out of control very quickly. He said he was going to do it. He didn't. So I did. I asked him to clear up after himself in the future again & he wasn't happy I'd said it again. He then tidied the bedroom & cleaned the kitchen but continued to be horrible to me."

This isn't the behavour of someone who's just got home from being away for a bit and needs some time to decompress. This is the behaviour of someone doing his best to be objectionable.

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