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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just threw my husband out - I don't know what happened

53 replies

YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 14:46

I need to talk to someone who doesn't know us.

My husband works away a lot & was away all last week, got home last night.

He was a dick last night when we were discussing things that I feel strongly about & he admitted he was playing 'devil's advocate' and usually does. Whatever. I just wanted to talk because I missed him & having someone to talk to. It just turns into him making me feel like an idiot and having an argument.

Today I asked him to clear up after himself (and the children when he's with them) because things are everywhere as we're having work done & it can get out of control very quickly. He said he was going to do it. He didn't. So I did. I asked him to clear up after himself in the future again & he wasn't happy I'd said it again. He then tidied the bedroom & cleaned the kitchen but continued to be horrible to me.

We've argued all day & I can't stand it. He then said he was taking the kids out. Wouldn't tell me where. I didn't want him to but he was doing it to piss me off. I can't communicate with him & he makes me really angry. It isn't fair on DC for us to be arguing all the time.

I told him to leavet, he took a bag. I have never done that before. I don't really know what's going on. I just need to try to understand how I feel. He doesn't have any friends or family nearby so I don't know where he will go but I don't want him to come back because he still won't accept responsibility for anything & will be getting angrier & angrier. Except I do want him to come home because DC will be upset & he's away again next week so won't see them.

OP posts:
JimmyChoosChimichanga · 29/11/2014 17:27

OP, what you really need to do is sit down and have a big think. The biggest of your life! Forget his Aspergers and worrying about where he has gone, who is aggressive and who is PA etc etc. All of that is detail. What you have to think about is you and how you see the rest of your life. If you are, as you say, exhausted by it all and you can't see it changing, separate and have the life you want. You don't need anyone's permission to separate from him. Just the fact that you see this type of thing on an endless loop is enough for you to decide to break that cycle. If you want to stay together, tell him, but that there are provisos/boundaries. Make those provisos and boundaries immovable. The alternative truly is this occurring in a loop otherwise.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 29/11/2014 17:31

It does sound like he behaves like an extra DC and a blimmin' big one and all!

BigPawsBrown · 29/11/2014 18:29

He sounds like an arse. If you don't agree, it doesn't have to be the end now.

Sounds as if you need a friend to be honest; a woman you can invite over and pour your heart out to but who isn't a member of your family so isn't "entrenched". This is what I advise to everybody though, as my friends and our candidness get me through everything Smile

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 29/11/2014 20:14

He texted to see if he could see the children tomorrow so I asked him to come home to talk. He'd clearly been crying.

He said sorry & admitted the way he is. His explanation for the way he debates is because he doesn't have fixed ideas like I do esp on subjects he doesn't feel connected to (eg feminism) so plays around with all the ideas Hmm And he said he doesn't feel part of it when he comes home so over reacted...

Yea, basically admitted it was his fault. I guess I'm opting for the loop, jimmychoo

BigPaws It's not my style to talk through every aspect of my relationship with my friends, I don't like it. I think I get what I need here.

OP posts:
coppertop · 29/11/2014 20:19

When you have your talk, I'd be asking him what exactly he is planning to do to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

His explanation sounds a bit 'woe is me', with tears thrown in for good measure. I would want some assurance that things are going to actually change and that the talk doesn't end up being all about how he just can't help it etc.

Good luck with the talk.

Happymum1985 · 29/11/2014 20:32

goodluck with the talk. I would try to remember why you love him, and tell him these reasons, and say that you don't want things to end, but unless he does x y and z then you cannot physically see how this can work..

mariposaazul · 29/11/2014 20:45

Your husband seems to debate in the way I encourage my students to consider all sides of a topic. I am astonished that so many posters find this so objectionable! I think we need to test our views against others to see if they still stand up. How much was all this due to tiredness all round & yr desire for everything to be perfect?

You still need to address yr anger issues - however annoying he might have been there are other ways to deal with it as mentioned upthread e.g. by blackeyedsusan . Also, to the best of my knowledge, people with aspergers are not always able to pick up signals & cues so I think everyone is being hard on him. What allowances do you make for the fact he has aspergers?

EverythingsRunningAway · 29/11/2014 21:03

Playing "devil's advocate" in a one on one conversation with your wife over something on telly is just being a douchebag.

he doesn't have fixed ideas like I do esp on subjects he doesn't feel connected to (eg feminism) so plays around with all the ideas

How did you not kill him?

Nice little passive aggressive dig at your "fixed" ideas is contrast to his incredibly open mind.

Not that he's a wind up merchant, oh no.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 29/11/2014 21:09

It must be hard working away. Does he feel like he's at home or in your home when he gets back with the nagging?

mariposaazul · 29/11/2014 21:10

Every have you ever met someone with Aspergers?

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 29/11/2014 21:11

everything do you and your dp never have fun debates with each other? I'm happy to argue the opposite side with mine because it's fun.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 29/11/2014 21:13

As mari says you have to be able to see all sides to properly argue your own. Debates in a couple are great, you can even argue for each other point of view.

pointythings · 29/11/2014 21:21

The OP does not enjoy this kind of debate. Her H must know this by now. So he needs to not get into this kind of debate with her and find someone else with whom to do this.

Anything else is just crappy behaviour.

And saying you'll tidy up after yourself and then passive aggressively not doing it because you know the other person will do it is just arsey. I can't believe anyone is defending the OP' H.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/11/2014 21:22

I'm uneasy about your posts, OP. I agree with WildBill. Your husband isn't abusive to you, you're doing exactly the same thing really. His view is different to yours and, whether he was arguing the opposite for the sake of it, he's free to have a view of his own.

You threw out your husband. Will you be doing that again or will you be looking at your own role in what happened? Your husband apologised to you, I think you also owe him an apology. Imagine if he'd taken offence the way you did and threw YOU out. What would be your response then?

You need to control your temper as much as he needs to modify his behaviour around you. If you can't live together civilly then, for the sake of your children, split up because this must be absolutely vile to witness.

EverythingsRunningAway · 29/11/2014 21:28

Life is too short for having "debates" with people who think playing devil's advocate is doggedly arguing the opposite of what you really think.

mariposaazul · 29/11/2014 21:33

Are you doing a bit of that every?
Excuse repetition, but do you know anything about aspergers?

coppertop · 29/11/2014 21:36

I agree with Everything and I have a fair bit of experience of Aspergers.

EverythingsRunningAway · 29/11/2014 21:37

I have enough friends with Aspergers to be slightly offended at the suggestion that being a passive aggressive wanker is an aspie trait.

pointythings · 29/11/2014 21:53

Agree with everything - all the friends I know with Aspergers are nothing like this - if they were, they would not be my friends. It has been said on this thread before - being on the spectrum is not a free pass to behaving like an arse.

mariposaazul · 29/11/2014 22:05

I find this thread disturbing. Several people are condoning the aggressiveness & angry behaviour of the OP which they seem to think is justified because she does not like to discuss things & to set out her beliefs?!
From what she herself says her DP is much more traumatised than her about it & she seems not to acknowledge his aspergers may play a part ie in not picking up cues.
I do not agree that he as acted as is suggested by certain posters.

coppertop · 29/11/2014 22:19

There is a difference between genuine discussion and deliberately being goady. It's a difference that is also recognised in MN's own Talk guidelines.

The OP has acknowledged her dh's Aspergers:

"YesAnastasia Sat 29-Nov-14 15:16:20
I also feel guilty because he has Asperger's (as does ds1) and maybe he's the way he is because of that. Even so..."

Aspergers does not mean that a person can act however they like and not be pulled up on behaviour that upsets others.

ArtVandelay · 29/11/2014 22:21

I get your annoyance OP. My Mum does that 'oh, im just playing devils advocate' thing. Actually its just an excuse for her to make a drama. If you feel something then fine, but arguing to be an arse? Not cool. But - you can't chuck your husband out for what is basically a disagreement. My husband works abroad often so no matter what I'm steamed up about I tend to just ply us both with wine and carbs when he lands back. Most stuff can wait till next day. ( still F*ing hate the devils advocate bollocks though :) infuriating and arrogant)

mariposaazul · 29/11/2014 22:24

People with aspergers often upset people inadvertently or behave in a way that is difficult to deal with. Of course we don't know where on the spectrum OPs DP is but I would start from the assumption that he is not deliberately trying to upset her.

BiscuitMillionaire · 29/11/2014 22:36

This is one of those threads where it's impossible for us randoms on the internet to really know the ins and outs of it.

Maybe DH felt insecure because he's aware that you get along very nicely without him there in the week, so he feels excluded and not sure of his place in the family.

Maybe he sees debating issues like feminism as a kind of game, whereas to you it's very personal (seeing as you're female, for a start). So there's a disconnect there, because you're reacting strongly and he doesn't get why. The Aspergers might be a factor in his not understanding why you're upset.

The argument about not tidying up - this is the sort of argument that couples have all the time, not the sort of thing that normally leads to a breakup. Unless he never pulls his weight with chores, in which case you do need to lay down the law.

What is the underlying issue? Any long-standing resentments? What are you angry about?

coppertop · 29/11/2014 22:41

"People with aspergers often upset people inadvertently or behave in a way that is difficult to deal with."

That is true. It's also important to acknowledge when you have upset someone or behaved badly and attempt to make amends. As I teach my boys, if they are told that their behaviour has upset someone, they need to apologise. If they don't know why that behaviour was wrong then they need to look into the reasons. That could be either by asking the person, asking another adult (including me) or by doing some independent research on the subject.

It's not enough to shrug their shoulders and say "Well that's the way I am, so tough." If they are going to live as a part of society, they have to learn to negotiate the social minefields that form that society. It's by no means easy and there will always be something that they don't know how to deal with. They weren't given the same copy of the social rules that everyone else seems to have been born with, so they (with our help) are figuring it out as they go along.

If the OP's dh is capable of holding down a job and also working away from his family, it would be fairly safe to assume that he is somewhere near the higher functioning end of the spectrum. He's chosen to become part of his family, so needs to start finding his own ways of figuring out how things work.