Is he being unreasonable?

[Sofiathefirst]

Last night I saw four messages on the iPad between DP of 10 years and a colleague of his. I thought they were inappropriate and challenged him about it. He said it was just a laugh. This morning I can accept this and forget it. But last night he just didn't respond as I would have hoped. In fact, he just took the opportunity to cast up an issue from a few years ago which has never really gone away.

At that time, I stupidly told him that I had had an affair with a colleague (years before I met DP). The colleague and I were both married at the time.

Anyway, the impact of this was huge. Weeks and months of verbal abuse and grovelling by me.

Last night he reminded me that his feelings towards me have changed since that time, that he has told me this repeatedly so why I am I surprised.

He says I am not the person I was - which is true. I have changed to try to deal with how he treats me. I am always on my best behaviour so to speak. I try not to rock the boat, to keep everything on a even keel. Why oh why did I mention those messages last night?

Meanwhile I am unhappy. I feel unloved, unappreciated and resentful that I don't deserve this over something that happened years ago and was nothing to do with us.

Is he being UR or is it me?

I do stand up to him when it comes to DD. Granted I usually extract her from the situation or change the subject or I don't know - just try to get him off her back. There is never any fall out from this as he won't do it in front of her, and it's not sufficiently annoying for him,because he loves her, for him to bring it up later. Remember the perceived transgression at that time is hers and not mine. If the transgression is mine in the first place, then that's a different matter.

Anyway, thanks for posts. However, I can see writing on wall now for flaming of me for not getting it right re DD and not leaving last week, last year, tomorrow etc. that's not helpful so signing off. S

Please try to filter out some of the more extreme responses if you can. You're being treated very badly and people will get very upset on your behalf as a result. Your thread title asked whether he was being reasonable and, if you take away the general sentiment that the behaviour you're being subjected to is anything but, then that's probably a significant step all by itself. Maybe it came as a shock, I don't know.

Please take some time to think about it all.

Sofia, don't do what so many women who come on here expecting a certain type of response and getting a lot more than they bargained for do. They get upset, they get defensive, they take it personally, they think they are being ganged up on.

It's not true.

What possible reason would other women who don't even know you have to make you feel worse ? Are all these people on your thread in cahoots to shoot you down ? No.

You feel bad because you know the truth has been written on your thread. You may not be ready to accept it yet, but when you are MN will still be here.

Thanks cogito and AF wise words from wise ladies and a comfort to someone who can't face the additional stress separation would bring. For now. I hear you all. S

We are always here and we are voices of many people from all over the place who posted because we want to help. In the meantime, take care of yourself x

You can come back to it. It's not going away, after all

Take care of yourself

Sofia. I wish MN had been around when I was going through it. I probably would have been alarmed at the amount of 'LTB' but it would have planted the seed in my brain that this isn't right. Cognito and AF speak the truth, maybe a little harshly (!) but they're ultimately right. I hope you find your strength soon.