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Original poster

Is he being unreasonable?

57 replies

Sofiathefirst · 29/11/2014 09:15

Last night I saw four messages on the iPad between DP of 10 years and a colleague of his. I thought they were inappropriate and challenged him about it. He said it was just a laugh. This morning I can accept this and forget it. But last night he just didn't respond as I would have hoped. In fact, he just took the opportunity to cast up an issue from a few years ago which has never really gone away.

At that time, I stupidly told him that I had had an affair with a colleague (years before I met DP). The colleague and I were both married at the time.

Anyway, the impact of this was huge. Weeks and months of verbal abuse and grovelling by me.

Last night he reminded me that his feelings towards me have changed since that time, that he has told me this repeatedly so why I am I surprised.

He says I am not the person I was - which is true. I have changed to try to deal with how he treats me. I am always on my best behaviour so to speak. I try not to rock the boat, to keep everything on a even keel. Why oh why did I mention those messages last night?

Meanwhile I am unhappy. I feel unloved, unappreciated and resentful that I don't deserve this over something that happened years ago and was nothing to do with us.

Is he being UR or is it me?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2014 11:23

Are the DSSs from his previous relationship or yours? Assuming 'his' is he trying to crack on that he was a complete saint in the previous relationship?

Strikes me that you feel trapped because of various assumptions. Have you ever properly looked into your rights if you were to separate?

Original poster
Sofiathefirst · 29/11/2014 11:25

It wasn't like that cogito. I mentioned that I had done something in the past that I wasn't proud of. He obviously was thinking all sorts and was really upset. Devastated. I thought it was best to come clean, but I certainly didn't expect the reaction I got. It was absolute torture for about two years if I'm really honest. Then my stepford wife routine at last seems to be working. It still works, of course as long as I stay in my box. About everything. He doesn't bring it up all the time, he's just difficult. He can never back me up or sympathise or empathise. He tells me I talk too much and that I'm OCD re the house. (If I wasn't, I dread to think the chaos which would ensue in here!).

It was the challenge re possible infidelity or messages heading that way that got be beaten with the old stick again. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 11:29

So, because you stay in your box he has escalated his contempt for you to thinking he can get away with infidelity in plain sight ?

Can you see where this is heading ?

For god's sake, dismantle the box, take a hammer to it and start acting like the proud woman you are meant to be

AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 11:32

I really hope this abuser has pushed you too far this time. They all do it, because they are fundamentally stupid and have the emotional intelligence of a flea

Let this be your wake up call. Step out from under this inadequate dick.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/11/2014 11:33

Oh, Sofia, that is truly horrible to read Sad.

MellowAutumn · 29/11/2014 11:33

Nexyt time he brings it up - look him in the eye and say Fuck Off - rinse and repeat :)

HumblePieMonster · 29/11/2014 11:35

You can't live 'on your best behaviour'. Sack him.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 29/11/2014 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2014 11:40

He doesn't have to bring it up all the time. You've learned to stay in your box.... job done as far as he's concerned. The only way to get past this if you're not prepared to LTB is to stand up to him. As PPs have suggested, tell him very forcibly that you will not be made to feel guilty about a past indiscretion.... information that you trusted him with.... that you will not apologise for it any more and that, if he brings it up again, he should consider the relationship over.

Serious as that.

And please check out what rights and responsibilities you'd have as an independent woman with a child. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you trapped with this man.

dalekanium · 29/11/2014 11:44

Fucking hell. He has you in a terrible prison of your own making. That is just evil.

What an utter twat he is.

I have a past I aren't proud of.(v similar to you OP) Dh knows. He also knows he will be roundly told to FRO if he tries to use it a stick to beat me with.

If your dh is that bothered about it- the door is right there. Truth is he isn't bothered in the slightest, it is just a fantastic magic twatty tool to yank your chain with.

Take power back. You past is part of who you are, good and bad. Lessons were learned from the bad stuff. If he doesn't like that he can do one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2014 11:46

'absolute torture for about 2 years'

Is he connected with some sort of repressed religious sect that he can combine self righteousness, bullying and cruelty in one neat package?

dalekanium · 29/11/2014 11:47

Or what mellow said! far more eloquently.

HellKitty · 29/11/2014 11:48

It's not even about your indiscretion, it could have been a confession to not liking kittens or wearing the same socks for two days. He would have used anything as a verbal stick to beat you with. The affair was just handy.

magoria · 29/11/2014 12:05

This is the rest of your life if you stay.

Well until he ups and leaves you.

He is sending inappropriate messages to a work colleague yet he can berate you for something you did before you even one him.

He is a hypocrite and a nasty abusive bully. He could have left when this came out he choose to stay. Lay on the line he gets over this now or you have to split for the same if your DD.

Do you want your precious DD growing up to think this is how relationships are and how she should let herself be treated?

10 years is a long time to be punished for something you never did to someone. The next 40+ are down to you.

Holdthepage · 29/11/2014 12:14

If your read your own post Sofiathefirst, you will see that he has you so far under his thumb that you are too scared to bring up his inappropriate banter with a work colleague. Basically he has a golden ticket to do exactly what he wants because if you have the temerity to question him he will bring up your affair. This is no way to live & I suspect you already know it.

Original poster
Sofiathefirst · 29/11/2014 13:19

Thanks for all your supportive messages. I know you are all right. I really do have some serious thinking to do. I had been hoping to stick it out till DD was much older. Taking her out now so will be offline. Thanks again.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 13:29

Every day you "stick it out" is another day she learns the lesson that it's ok for men to bully women and that she can expect no better when she grows up

tribpot · 29/11/2014 13:39

Only you can decide if you can keep up your Stepford Wife routine in the face of increasing provocation from him (I'm sure he intended that you would see these messages, to see if you would challenge him and give him the opening to rake up the issue of the affair).

Only you can decide if modelling this relationship is what you want for your dd. If she ends up with some domineering twat, doing this increasingly desperate routine of submissive perfection, how will you feel then? Don't think for one minute she doesn't realise that you are always in the wrong, that he never shows sympathy. She is learning that is normal.

He tells me I talk too much he really does want you as a handmaiden and nothing more, doesn't he? Time to remind yourself it's 2014 and you have choices about how you want to live.

dreamingbohemian · 29/11/2014 13:42

How old is your DD?

In my own experience, and lots of people I know, it was far better to split up when kids very young, as they don't completely realise what's going on (especially if it gets ugly) and it's easier to accept the new arrangements. Young kids are very adaptable, older kids and teenagers not so much.

That's not even considering the effects of seeing an abusive relationship, which she will understand more and more as she gets older.

LaQueenOfWinter · 29/11/2014 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sofiathefirst · 29/11/2014 17:12

My other fear on separation is him bullying her in the same way when I'm not around to shield her from that. He is impatient with her, always moaning and nagging. Thinks girls "turn on tears" and stuff like that. I worry she would be damaged more by that than by me being able to step in, xhange the subject and shield her from it while I'm here. He is never abusive towards me when she is around. If he was I'd not hesitate tbh.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/11/2014 17:15

If you really fear for her welfare I the event of a split then start building evidence now so that you can make a case for supervised access.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2014 17:19

The very worst reason to stay with someone is because you fear the recriminations and fall out if you split. What does that tell you about the health of your relationship ?

If you don't trust your H to care for your daughter, you cannot be there 24/7 even if you live in the same house as them. Your solution is to micro manage and supervise every single one of their interactions ? Not sustainable.

MellowAutumn · 29/11/2014 17:23

Dont kid yourself you are not protecting her - children see the dynamics of relationships even if he is not 'abusive' in front of her - you prostrate yourself to stay in your box and are in denial if you think this only happens when she is not around, you probably are actually even more sudmissive etc in front of her so to stop him being abusive. its probably why it is never in front of her as you let your guard down more when she is not around. she is observing the dynamics of how relationships work from you 24/7

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/11/2014 18:18

I worry she would be damaged more by that than by me being able to step in, xhange the subject and shield her from it while I'm here

But do you? Because you talk about how you protect yourself by behaving in a way that your husband wants so as not to stir up trouble. So if you are not standing up to him, how are you protecting her?

Changing the subject doesn't make the subject go away. It doesn't challenge his behaviour in her eyes.