'My ex is a bitch/bastard and uses the kids as a weapon. That's why I don't see them' Is this ever true? Discuss.

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleep]

My brother claims to be in this position.

I'm divorced with two kids and have a lovely amicable relationship with my XH. I can't understand why anybody would willingly cut off support from the other parent without good reason. Bringing up children on your own is extremely hard!

So I would like to hear from people who honestly feel they have done nothing wrong and yet the ex partner refuses to let them have access to their children, people who have cut off contact with their children's parent for what they think are good reasons ( not abuse, though, as obviously that is a given), and people who want their children's parent to have contact but have heard that the parent is going around saying that they have refused access when they haven't.

My nearly ex mother in law used exactly those words about me despite the fact I have an amicable relationship with ex. He sees the kids whenever he wants (not that often) my theory is whatever my issues with their dad they have a right to form their own opinion. If i tried to restrict contact I'm sure he'd be built up as a mystical, wondrous man in their heads. Sadly them seeing him whenever he wants has allowed them to see excuses, laziness and selfishness first hand. Mother in law tells everyone she can how I turned the kids against him. There will be people walking round who believe that but sometimes blame shifting to the resident parent continues long after the blame shifting for affairs etc that led to relationship breakdown. Some people can't accept responsibility for their own actions

There is a subtle version of this which I and two friends have encountered. I left XH after an abusive relationship broke down. He stayed in the FMH paying all the bills and our adult DC chose to stay with him. He then kept them close by paying for university costs, ski holidays, laptops and running a car for them. I wasn't able to offer a similar lifestyle so very wisely they stayed close to their DF and just visit me when they can. We are close but more by phone and email.
Mine never actually spelled out what would happen if they moved in with me, but my two friends had the heartbreak of their DC telling them that DF said if they lived with DM he wouldn't support them. No doubt he tells people their DM doesnt care about them and has abandoned them.

My DB's Ex refused contact when he got engaged. It took 2yrs of hell in the courts, ££££ and loads of jumping through hoops before contact was restored. Even then she was a complete bitch about it, often not being at home for pick ups, changing her mind at the last minute and being unpleasant to DN before and after contact.

DN is now 12yrs old. She self referred for Counselling through her school and regularly visits DBro and the rest of our family.. I have a funny feeling that she doesn't tell her mum that she is doing it though.

My ex finds it easier to ignore his children and say that it is my fault than make the effort to see them. or provide for them. His wife backs him all the way.

I have been accused of being the vindictive ex who with-holds contact and has turned children against him. Nothing could be further than the truth. Mine are older teens now, but when he first left his contact was at best sporadic and on his terms. For days/weeks he was uncontactable and when he did deign to pick up the phone was most unpleasant. I talk now to the kids and say I hope one day you do make it up with your father - I am told in no uncertain terms the reason for no relationship was not our split, or the awful reasons for it, but it was the way he treated them while he was living with us. Very sad indeed isn't it.

I think it is very easy for an ex to rewrite history and claim his ex wife was hell, he only stayed for the kids, he was a victim, etc.... - in my experience nothing could be further than the truth.

I've not read the whole thread but my ex sometimes accuse me of withholding contact when actually he has his DS EOW and in the holidays. He could have him more but lives 2 hours away. He still accuses me of withholding contact e.g if I say DS is tired this weekend doesn't want to travel and wants to stay at home. (Btw he has NEVER paid maintenance and I do one 'leg' of the journey to his and pay for it).

On the other hand, my partner has a DS who lives 5 hours away. His ex has withdrawn contact for a year at a time because of him not complying to her demands. For example, he introduced DS to me (I'm not OW). She wanted control when he had DS. He did his own thing... Access withdrawn for a year. My DP is very passive. He didn't have a father in his own life. He basically just called her a few times then waited for her to let him see DS again. It does happen.

Fool: don't worry that your children will end up feeling as I do.

I said that my mother did not behave brilliantly, and I don't mean by not protecting me. I mean because she's a pretty damaged and damaging person herself and because she did engage in the sand kind of petty warfare through the children (of mostly just me) as he did.

For example, she would do everything she could to make me feel bad that I was the one he'd 'chosen' to see (not my sister). I felt obliged to see him and then was made to feel guilty about it. And she'd regularly tell me I could just go and live with my dad. She actually threw me out once (I was probably about 14) telling me to go and live with him. I walked round to my friend's house and stayed there for a few days until I could go back home. I didn't so much as phone my dad or ever tell him.

So I guess I grew up acutely aware that neither of my parents really cared much about me, only really about themselves. Telling my dad wouldn't have helped me; it would just have contributed to his poor me tale. And I was probably scared that he wouldn't have me either (he never bothered to get me a proper bed when he had a flat, and then moved in with a girlfriend in a one bedroom flat. I got to sleep on the couch or, more usually, I was dumped at my grandparents).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are almost certainly not like my mother. I think she loved that my dad's shitty behaviour contributed to her own 'poor me' narrative. I know (and knew) all about what was going on because she told me all about my dad refusing to pay and, even when she would do something to make up for my dad letting us down, she'd ensure that we knew she had to do it and it was because my dad is a selfish arse.

And she remains totally deluded in thinking that she was/is 'the good parent'. She might have been the better parent, but they were both pretty shit.

I think both situations happen.
My OH is having a terrible time trying to see his DC's and costing thousands. My car broke down and i could drop off the kids at the agreed time however offered several other options. She has stopped contact for this and is now asking for us to agree to make payments on csa which we are happy to do, The mortgage again we are happy to and also her electric, gas, council tax home phone bill and mobile phone bill. As we have said no her lawyer has stated the children will not have contact.its awful the kids are very upset wanting to see their dad, She tried to attack me the police got involved. I think the childrens needs and wants should be put 1st.

On the other hand i have a friend whos EX is terrible and doesnt wash the kids drinks and doesnt feed them. She stopped contact there as its not fair on her daughter to see all that and not be fed.

My ex throws that card whenever he doesn't get exactly his own way!

He actually sees DS a lot more than a court would appoint, yet when he doesn't get his exact own way he start telling everyone who will listen that I never let him see him!

Yet he won't take me to court because he probably knows that would mean a lot less contact with DS

I despair