'My ex is a bitch/bastard and uses the kids as a weapon. That's why I don't see them' Is this ever true? Discuss.

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleep]

My brother claims to be in this position.

I'm divorced with two kids and have a lovely amicable relationship with my XH. I can't understand why anybody would willingly cut off support from the other parent without good reason. Bringing up children on your own is extremely hard!

So I would like to hear from people who honestly feel they have done nothing wrong and yet the ex partner refuses to let them have access to their children, people who have cut off contact with their children's parent for what they think are good reasons ( not abuse, though, as obviously that is a given), and people who want their children's parent to have contact but have heard that the parent is going around saying that they have refused access when they haven't.

Do you want to elaborate, kevin? You're just basically saying what my brother is saying. And I know what he's really like. Luckily I didn't scar. Not physically, anyway

You say selfish and spiteful, dixie, but aren't they cutting their noses off to spite their faces? It's no picnic doing it alone. My mum escaped my violent father but never said a bad word against him to us. She allowed us to discover what a bastard he was ourselves .

I've seen this. Totally changed the way I viewed divorced fathers. Some women can be horrible (equally so can some men).

Even if an ex cheated on me I think I'd be like 'here are your kids and their stuff for your turn...see you on Wednesday!'. As long as he wasn't an abusive fucker.

I have a neighbour (well my mum's neighbour technically) who hasn't been allowed access to his children since he split with his ex. He had sporadic contact which was slowly eradicated. He's a lively bloke, obviously this is as far as I can tell and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. But he is very down about it, fighting for access through the courts but it is a long process and it seems his ex is allowed to move the goalposts as and when she pleases. It must be heartbreaking.

I am just on the very start of arranging access with my ex and somebody said to me in a manner as if I should be hoping for this that my ex would lose interest in my son anyway . I can't see him ever doing so, he is as likely to walk away from our son as I am.

Some men are not interested and will use the phrases in your original post to justify their lack of interest, I can well believe some people do use their children as pawns. Some people fight tooth and nail to see their children under awful circumstances. I don't think there is one answer to your query.

It's her that's a relative. So what I get is her side of the story and I can't see any reason other than her not wanting him involved.

As to the why she'd choose to do it alone, she doesn't, she has a new partner who is very involved and a parent who has the DC for days at a time.

Are you not their aunty? Don't you have a relationship with them? Don't you speak to their mum?

Not completely relevant but my friend split up with his gf and she has a kid from prev marriage. My friend said to the kid (7) 'if you want you can still see me' to soften the blow so his ex uses that as her way of seeing him almost every week which is stopping them moving on. I think he shouldn't have said that as it's caused a problem but she should also not exploit the fact that her little boy loves my friend as a way of seeing him the whole time

I suspect my son's father tells people something similar (well did, I doubt he tells people nowadays that he even exists).

I found out he'd started seeing someone else when I was pregnant; my son has a half sister born 4 months after him. And has never shown any interest in him. He's never met him, didn't have his name recorded on BC, although I gave him every opportunity, didn't visit him although invited...

But I would imagine he and his mother have made it my fault. Otherwise, it would have to be his, wouldn't it?

Friends of mine have been in this situation - the mother withheld contact because she doesn't like the new wife (my friend), doesn't like how she parents, doesn't like the changes that her ex has made in his assertiveness, habits etc. She believes, I think, that she is doing the right thing for her children. She appears to be very controlling and micro managing of her children's lives and can't bear that she isn't able to control what their father does and says.
The courts say that my friend and her husband are fit parents and have awarded decent contact. She is complying but has cost them £££££ just to get the chance for him to raise his kids. I have no respect for her.
My DS dad is from a very different background to me and he does things that I wouldn't choose to. However I deal with it because I would never prevent my son from having a relationship with his father, and I also believe that diversity and being exposed to different people and ideas is good for my son. We talk about things his dad says and does and he understands that people are different and I don't always agree with his dad but that DS is allowed to make his own mind up (things like religion and superstition). I don't comprehend how some parents feel they have rights to control everything their child hears or sees, that's not real life and it's not fair.

I know someone that lost contact with his children after a concerted effort by his ex to destroy their relationship. He sees them now, but it took until they were in their teens for them to realise what their mother was doing. One of them got married in the summer and didn't invite their mother. The wedding was lovely, full of fun and love and romance, but sad at the same time. I had a pang of regret for her (I know both parties quite well), but tbh she bought it one herself. One of her children is NC with her, the other still has contact.

When the children were small mother used to wind them up the day before dad came to collect them with "well if you weren't going with dad we could do xxx (insert Legoland, Alton Towers, buying an X box etc). By the time dad got there the kids wouldn't want to go with him. At first he used to force them, but when they got back mum would then do "I did X on my own when you were with dad" when he started backing off mum would change it to "No, we can't go to X, dad says you're not allowed and he'll call the police on me"

She told the kids he was loaded but didn't give her any money (he wasn't and he did). She told them he had another family he would rather be with (he didn't) and finally she moved, intending that he wouldn't know where she'd gone to (he did find out, but it took time, money and effort to do so)

So it happens. I don't think it happens as often as some men would like you to believe, but there are some twisted individuals out there that spoil it for everyone else.

My DHs ex used to do it all the time - my DH is a devoted dad and would at one point make a 2 bus 3 hour round trip to collect his son, then on a whim, every now and again she'd just say "no, your not seeing him" then she would get fed up of not being able to go out and would lift the ban. Son is now an adult and has a great relationship with his dad. My ex on the other hand was an alcoholic drug user and in the end I did stop contact - my kids came home filthy and knackered after being taken to raves at the ages of 4 and 8! Writing this is making me so angry - like it was yesterday - it was 14 years ago and the ex died 2 years ago due to his drinking etc

A male friend of mine took his ex to court because she wouldn't let him see his son. My dp's ex often says she's going to take their children to live abroad where she's from if he doesn't do something she wants him to do. I don't think she would actually do that but she says it to hurt him and it always works.

I detest my XH but I've never stopped him seeing the DCs. It's his choice as to when which is for a handful of days every school holiday. Never every other weekend or a regular night. My solicitor warned me that usually the husbands lose interest in their children in my case he moans to them how he's done everything for them - luckily they're teens and see him for the fucktard he is.

I work around this field, and yes reading various papers, it does happen for no particular reason.

Some people are just vindictive

I agree OP that it is often bollocks. My friend's DH ran off with someone else when she was pregnant with DC2.

After the birth she texted him and he didn't want to know. I was then behind him in the corner shop. Lady serving congratulates him in having a new DC ( shop was opposite their house) and he said "x won't let me see the baby". I was as he had never responded to my friends info and he knew where she was.

Still I guess they have to say something as otherwise they have to say I can't be bothered with my kids, and they know that doesn't sound good.

Happened to my husband with his ex-wife. It suited her to make him out to be the bad guy in the relationship because otherwise she would have had to admit to being only interested in the financial benefits the children brought and kicking him out for her selfish reasons. Incidentally she also eventually kicked the kids out when their child benefit stopped at the age of 16. It left the kids incredibly damaged but they eventually understood who the real root of the issue was and two of them now have a good relationship with their dad.

I have withheld contact before between RxH and the DC, for a period of six months. ExH was a violent alcoholic who was having a massive binge before entering rehab . I was protecting my DC and involved the school to help support me in this decision.

I am about to withhold contact again, due to ExH being erratic with contact, because he is a busy working man. He can't see the DC for the next three weekends because he's working. I work full time but this doesn't stop me being a parent. Plus our eldest is in hospital next week and will need a lot of support, which will now have to be given by me alone (and not for the first time). I've had enough of ExH cherry picking when and where he sees the children. It's a fucking joke and easier for me to have them plus then I don't get the backlash when their dad lets them down (again).

I'm quite happy to be judged by the courts for my decisions, if my ExH ever decides to pursue it.

I've been amicable for the last seven years. It's got me nowhere and I've been screwed over several times. I'd advise any separating couple to get contact defined by the courts sooner rather than later for everyone's sake.

If the children aren't answering their phones, maybe the lack of contact is at their instigation. It happens.

My dad is exactly the type of fuckwit you would go around telling people how his evil ex denied him contact/poisoned the children against him. But, the truth is: he's a nasty, abusive alcoholic who has brought about his own problems. My mother didn't behave brilliantly over it all, but she didn't deny him contact.

I was 12 and my sister was 10 when may parents split up. My dad saw us both for a few then threw a temper tantrum about how my sister was horrible and refused to see her. He didn't see her after that. On the other hand, he decided that I had to see him so I spent my teenage years being treated pretty terribly by him but felt guilty and obliged to continue. The whole time (before he dumped me with my grandparents) he'd say vicious things about my mum etc.

He didn't pay maintenance. He would get himself sacked, on purpose, to avoid it. He did this more than once. He was clearly doing something fraudulent re: benefits as he claimed to be living with his parents, but was living with his girlfriend. He ran a successful company (with a decade of very lucrative contracts signed) when my mum threw him out, and he chose to let it go under so that he wouldn't have to give my mother a penny.

He would organise great things to take me (and my sister at the start) to and then either not show up or throw a tantrum and decide to take someone else. Memorably he organised a holiday to disneyworld is Florida and decided about two days before that he'd take my aunt and cousin instead of my sister and I. When they returned he took me straight round to my aunt's so I could hear all about the holiday I should have gone on. He did it with various other, smaller, things and either my mum or her friends would try to step in to make it up to us.

I had DS1 at 18 and finally found the strength to go NC. I didn't want to give him the opportunity to fuck up DS's life as he did mine. 14 years later, I do not regret that decision one bit. However, I know for a fact that my dad tells people a 'poor me' tale of how my mother turned me against him so now he can't see his grandchild(ren).

It's all lies but he may well have such a precarious grasp of reality that he actually believes them. I don't care though.

I have done everything in my power to keep contact between my dc and their dad. We split in 2013 and he has had a massive chip on his shoulder ever since. It was working til the summer hols this year, he would see them on a Sunday, take them out etc, and one evening per week. This is in spite of being abusive to me, full of cocky resentment that I said 'no' to him after years of shit.

Before summer he had a gf who lived in a different town. Absolutely fine by me, but I knew nothing about her. He sometimes took the dc over there to a play park. All fine until he told me this September that she had lost her dc in a custody battle to her ex on the grounds of neglect. Long story short-I asked him not to take our dc to hers (40 miles away, never met her). He ignored me, laughed in my face, so I cut contact and he's not seen them since. I took legal advice.

Here's the thing- I have asked him and asked him (all in writing) to go through mediation with me but he will not now or ever go to see a solicitor, so my line in the sand is drawn and he is so stubborn he will not see his dc again properly.

However, EVERY moment he gets he blames me, and says to anyone who will listen that I have stopped him seeing his dc. He will do this for the rest of his days. He is an arse.

My ex says all sorts of terrible stuff about me withholding our children.

he is am abusive and bitter father and not a positive model for his children at all. he even bans them from talking about certain parts of their life when they are with him as he "doesn't like it". My children come back exhausted, not because they don;t sleep but because they have to police themselves so thouroughly

2 of them won't go because of his terrible behaviour towards them...the other 2 go (court ordered and they are too young to choose) I worry they will end up like calamatous thinking that I did nothing to protect them (because I didn;t involve them in all the abusive horror that was our court case) and because I have been ordered by court to stop obstructing contact (I never did, ex just failed to turn up loads).

Of course I might be making all this up...you have no way of knowing...just as people believe my oh so charming ex even though it's a load of rubbish!

this is so true "It's all lies but he may well have such a precarious grasp of reality that he actually believes them" I wish I didn;t care

I have seen it done before.

The people who do it are hardly likely to come on here and say, ''yeah I did it because I'm vindictive and I hate him, and I'm their mum so I get to decide."

I think in your brothers case though, it sounds like he is a right tosser.