How can I get over an emotional affair?

[Samantha28]

Two years ago, DH had an emotional affair with a work colleague. There was a very messy ending and the other person left the company .

We went for counselling but I didn't find it very helpful . Dh and the counsellor got on very well, most of the session were just him talking with her about other things and I sat there feeling like a spare part. He had some sessions alone with her, to talk about issues from his childhood. Neither Dh or the counsellor seems to think the EA was a big deal , because it wasn't sexual .

Dh was very reluctant to talk about it at home, he accepts it was a mistake, but mostly because it caused a lot of trouble at work , which took months to sort out . He thinks it was mostly an error of judgement, because he trusted the other person and he was let down , rather than because he shouldn't have been involved in the first place.

Since then , things have just gone back to normal for him. But my feelings for him have never been the same. I don't trust him and I'm not sure I ever will again. He travels a lot on business and is away from home about 1/3 of the time . When he's a home, he's very preoccupied with work . I'm not sure if I still love him .

Can anyone recommend any books or websites that might help me get over this ?

I too wondered if there was plans for leaving. Surely her husband would have been aware of the builders bill ? It doesn't make sense. Did you ever speak to her husband ?

He has financially abused you , and manipulated you at counselling. It was more important to him to look good in front of a stranger than to fix things.

I think what you've been told is the tip of the iceberg. Having been in your shoes I learned that there is ZERO chance of reconciliation with an unrepentant cheater . Nearly all cheaters initially lie and posture when confronted , but two years on and he's still sticking to the same stupid story ? He's taking the piss.

While having his affair he controlled what information you had access to. While he's still sticking to this story he's still controlling what information you have access to . You rightly don't trust him because he's displaying the same behaviour he indulged in when he was having an affair.

He's not sorry because there was no real consequences for him. Any consequences that did occur he probably had your support. He still has his house , wife , and family , and presumably no one knows so everyone thinks he's a nice guy.

He won't take you seriously for the simple reason your not being serious.

Your still willing to try and work things out , you don't want to leave. People know when you are being serious and when you are not. Your belief that it's best for the children if you stay is not healthy. They will not thank you when they're older and there is no prize for being a martyr for your children. All these things give him the power in your marriage. Things will change when you really mean it .

What was the woman threatening to tell you? That he had already given her money? she was having sex with him? or that they were just close buddies? I have no doubt she probably made your husband feel indebted, infatuated, or blackmailed to give money, not sure about the story of her threatening to tell you.

I don't think it matters much whether he had sex with her, it would seem that you are never going to find out either way for sure. You could keep asking and he can keep saying no, so you have to decide he is telling the truth, or he isn't? or conclude that you will never know? can you live with never knowing?

What you know is: this woman had some appeal or some hold over your DH to the extent that he would risk his security, your security, and the marriage. He would put this woman in what ever capacity she had, over you and your children. That is sufficient grounds for feeling you probably don't love him and trust him.

If you really want to stick at it, then you need to at least make him listen to you, otherwise he will continue to have zero respect.

Mini - the big threat was to scupper the big contact that was about to be signed. I know it's true because she put it in an email. This contract was going to earn lots for the company and get a promotion / big bonus for her and DH .

If it fell through he was worried it woudl be a big disaster for the company and he woudl lose his job. Because he was the one who hired her, negotiated a big salary for her and was supervising her .

Those were the emails that actually got her fired ( instantly ) as they were gross misconduct .

Then when the company investigated her emails , files etc , they discovered the fraud . They also found commercially sensitive information that she has stolen from previous employers and passed on to their competitors . that's why the police were involved. But none of the companies involved wanted to press charges as apparently it's not worth the bad publicity

So you can see why in the midst of this -police, company solicitors , going through months worth of files and emails, directors meetings , Dh potentially losing his job and us our home - my feelings about the EA didn't seem very important .

....and now, they are

Don't minimise your feelings because they took a while to come to the surface

Thanks any fucker, it's taken me a while to realise that my general unhappiness with the marriage is actually unresolved feelings about the EA

Dh has gone out tonight to an industry Christmas function, OW will be there ( along with hundreds of other people ) . When I asked him about her , he said " don't mention her name, I can't believe how she treated me "

It's still all about him

BTW I'm not worried that he is there with her, he's going with other colleagues and they are hosting a group of clients . Anyway she lives not far from his work, if he wanted to still see her he could do so any time . Although latest I heard she was moving abroad with her DH for a " fresh start " . Apparently her DH knows nothing about her relathionship with My DH and thinks she was badly treated by the company . But I can't believe he was the first or last .

Why will ow be at the xmas function if she was sacked for fraud ?

I can only imagine she should be persona non Grata as far as your husband's company involvement with her

Do you get invited as his spouse at all ?

one of the reasons your feelings are unresolved is that I think you know that you have been lied to on a massive scale back then, and now you are barred from even raising the issue

I don't like your husband

It's a big industry function /awards ceremony where clients are entertained . There are hundreds of people there from dozens of companies. She still works in the same field , as a consultant . They won't be at the same table . Spouses don't go

It's not his company Christmas night out , I go to that .

"I can't believe how she treated me"

He's telling you, his wife, that the woman he was mooning over, the woman he stole money from his children for, treated him badly.

Fucking hell. I can see clearly why you've fallen out of love with this self indulgent arse.

It's not I'm barred from raising it, I mentioned her tonight as I knew she would be there. And I did point out to DH that it's still all about him and he doesn't recognise what he did to me . He still sees himself as the victim . Which he acknowledged

It's just its all history to him now , once the work crisis was resolved, which took about 6 months. And we quit the counselling aftre about 6 sessions because it was a waste of time. Then we had a huge family crisis, which took up all our attention /energy .

So outwardly everything seems back to normal, to him at least . Just not inside my head /heart

Hopefully the books with come tomorrow from the evil Amazon, I'm sure that will help sort out my head a bit

So what do you want?

What do you want your dh to do differently from now on, what would make you happier?

No book will change what your H has done and his complete lack of respect or giving a shit about your feelings.

Hopefully they will show you that you deserve better.

Op shouldn't it be your h who is ordering infidelity books ?

I can't believe the balls on him.

at ballerina.

I did resist the urge to buy them on his amazon account. And have them delivered to his office, where the admin staff open the mail

I wish you would do something like that

At least to jolt him out of his current state of complacency and remind him that you are a force to be reckoned with.

What happens if you talk to him? I mean really seriously tell him how you feel, tell him how this is his doing and he is not the poor victim here. Does he just play the 'poor me' card? Unless he acknowledges that this is his doing you are not going to move on from this.

You don't have to get over this at all, you're just going to end up feeling very resentful of your DH and miserable. Your DC will notice to as they grow up.