How can I get over an emotional affair?

[Samantha28]

Two years ago, DH had an emotional affair with a work colleague. There was a very messy ending and the other person left the company .

We went for counselling but I didn't find it very helpful . Dh and the counsellor got on very well, most of the session were just him talking with her about other things and I sat there feeling like a spare part. He had some sessions alone with her, to talk about issues from his childhood. Neither Dh or the counsellor seems to think the EA was a big deal , because it wasn't sexual .

Dh was very reluctant to talk about it at home, he accepts it was a mistake, but mostly because it caused a lot of trouble at work , which took months to sort out . He thinks it was mostly an error of judgement, because he trusted the other person and he was let down , rather than because he shouldn't have been involved in the first place.

Since then , things have just gone back to normal for him. But my feelings for him have never been the same. I don't trust him and I'm not sure I ever will again. He travels a lot on business and is away from home about 1/3 of the time . When he's a home, he's very preoccupied with work . I'm not sure if I still love him .

Can anyone recommend any books or websites that might help me get over this ?

Get some individual counselling. First and foremost. It was one of the first concrete actions I took after dday. It helped a lot. You will feel stronger and more in control of events.

Then you must quite simply make sure he knows that while the financial loss and loss of face were obviously a big deal to him, he HAS to acknowledge that you were also damaged by his actions, as was your relationship with him. And that damage was the worst of all.

You are right, he was completely focussed on the damage at work and trying to limit that . The OW wasn't charged , there wasn't enough evidence , although the police looked at some of the material and retuned it to her home and spoke with her.

She just moved on to another job ( with no reference of course ) , although she got the sack from there pretty quickly and is now " self employed " . Her marriage was on the rocks for a while but they are now back together apparently and have moved away for a fresh start. So DH feels vindicated in some way as she has got what she deserved ( he thinks ) in terms of her career.

I was pretty shocked that the company decided not to press charges, but apparently it's very common as they are worried clients will see that they have security issues.

So you're right, he sees himself as the gullible victim of a con woman, not as an unfaithful husband . I have really REALLY tried to put this behind me, but other things that have happened recently ( in our extended family ) have made me realise that I'm not over It at all .

We went straight for dealing with that crisis to dealing with major problems in our extended family, I feel it's all been brushed under the carpet and nothing's been dealt with it all.

If he doesn't feel he did anything wrong with OW,except give her the money, how can I be sure he won't do it again?

Exactly, what happens when the next woman turns his head, fact is OP he is devoid of a conscience and that is NEVER a good trait.

I don't think we know that he is devoid of a conscience, but he obviously thinks that once all the practical stuff is dealt with its business as usual. This could be because dragging it up reminds him he feels ashamed (for one or two reasons, which ever) and that talking won't allow him to put it behind him. What he probably fails to understand is that in dealing with it his way, he isn't helping you or his marriage. Is that selfish? or is he burying his head in the sand on this too?

Perhaps he thinks that because he didn't get physically involved that it wasn't an affair? If he thinks that what actually occurred wasn't an affair, then he probably thinks "it was nothing, she meant nothing to me" In fact, I would think that because he thinks this thing is over, time to move on...that she probably meant rather less to him than you assume she did. That isn't to minimise, just a possibility. Of course, you must be left wondering two things; did he feel very little about her and can just shrug it off, or did he actually feel quite a lot, and therefore can't bare to talk about it.

I can see how counselling might help you work out how you feel about what has happened and about what is happening now. It won't change what he is doing. I think I would be inclined to sit him down and tell him "right this is it...talk or else" and then insist that you have joint counselling and that you want the counsellor to understand from the get go that you are there to address the affair, and nothing else, not the money, or the work or his other issues. Those have been dealt with last time.

Not much of a conscience when you cant even show remorse in front of your lifelong partner, for the financial idiocy of his actions as well as the emotional, whether sexual or not, it's not acceptable.

I haven't heard him once even say sorry to the OP.

Hard enough staying with a partner who has let you down but one who has let you down and shows complete disregard to your feelings and their must make you feel a million times worse. Personally I'd read that as the relationship simply ain't worth saving and I'd not be hanging about.

Why did he give her money ?

"We have young children and I don't want to leave him , if it's possibel to work through this. I've told him that I don't think I love him anymore but he doesn't seem to take it seriously"

What do you get out of this relationship now and if someone else wrote what you did, what would you advise?.

Its not possible to work through this primarily because he is not at all remorseful towards you or even bothered about your feelings. He has never taken your very valid feelings at all seriously, felt more concerned about losing face at work and also had some crappy counsellor fawning over him.

Staying in a failed marriage is no relationship lesson to teach your children either. You would be better off without this man in your life now.

He has said he's sorry, mostly about the money.

He said he gave her the money to do work on her house, because she couldn't get a loan or extend her mortgage because she had just changed jobs . She's only been with the company for a few months when this started.

Mini is right in that he thinks it wasn't an affair because they didn't have sex. He thinks I'm totally exaggerating the nature of their relathionship. But he's never given any money to anyone else he's worked with , nor has he kept his " close friendship " with them secret from me. They went away a lot together on business but he said it was just work .

So he feels foolish for trusting a con woman . And for giving her our money . But the EA is in my head .

With the counselllor, he somehow managed to portray himself as a nice guy who was helping out a colleague in need.

he has lent money to his brother before, but it was much less and it was a loan, and we both agreed to do it . We've done this several times and his brother always pays it back.

I am not trying to throw a spanner in the works but I don't believe any man would give thousands to a woman he has never slept with

I think his story is horse shit and that counsellor wants striking off for not pushing him on it

This women was embezzling money from the business, so she is probably highly manipulate as well as criminal. One thing is probably very certain she didn't give a fig about him.

Did your DH know she was married? seems odd to pay for some other man's home improvements.

Any fucker - I agree, I think there might be more to it. But I can't prove anything and there was nothing in the emails to confirm it . Their business trips were legitimate . obviously I don't know if they had sex or not but they were genuniely at business meetings ( although DHs was in a postion as her boss to arrange these meetings )

It was money from our joimt account. He turned off the paper statements that come to the house . I don't normally check it online, we have a standing order that goes into it each month from the current account. It was saving for our kids for uni and some work we had planned to do on the house

It only came out because she wanted more money which he didn't have so she tried to blackmail him . He came to me asking for more money to pay her off ( no seriously ) so he didn't lose his job.

Yes DH knew she was married with kids, we have both met her husband at work functions

Mini - yes he does know now that she never cared about him at all . You would think he would have realised that when the blackmail started but it took him a several months to actually get it .

Of course she didn't call it blackmail. She said that she had builders working on her house and they needed paid ( like tomorrow ) and if he couldn't give her it it she woudl ask me . He said he felt bad for putting her in such a difficult position and that he had a " moral obligation " to help her . And that it wasn't her fault she couldn't borrow the money elsewhere , it was because she had just changed jobs .

I know this all sounds really bad < cringe > . When I hear him saying all this is sounds so plausible . And when I write it down here I know it's total BS

I'm not a troll BTW I'm a name changing regular . I've been here so long I don't have to say Pom bears and pirate sex, I can say baby pasta , judge flounce and lavenderrrrr

I am sorry, love

I could not live like this. I don't think any man is worth it. You have my utmost sympathy, it must be killing you

For the sake of your health, is it not time to walk away from all the shit he had rained down on you in his stupidity and deceit ?

I hope you don't feel obliged to keep going because you have already come this far. You can get off this merry go round whenever you like

I agree totally with AF (as usual)

In answer to your original post, "How can I get over an EA?" I think in order to do this you need to want to get over it. I wouldn't.

Also, you need truckloads of remorse/reassurance and honesty from the guilty party. It doesn't sound like you are getting any of this

I also believe he slept with her. So do you don't you? You don't need anyone's permission to leave a relationship if you have had enough. If you really want to try to fix this you cannot do it alone. He needs to be fully on board. It just doesn't sound like he can be bothered though.

I do want to get over it. For the kids really . Their lives are very happy , we don't ague in front of them, there's no fighting or abuse. Outwardly everything seems fine . Dh and I get along ok, we have lots in common, do stuff with the kids when he's here.

The problem is all inside me . I don't trust him . I'm not sure I love him anymore . When I ve told him this he says he doesn't believe me. I feel pretty numb inside TBH. It don't know how I can get him to take me seriously .

Fuck me. I hope you don't still put money into savings he can access.

He coldly and deliberately turned off the paper statements so that you wouldn't see he had taken all the money saved towards the future. He thought about doing this so that you wouldn't have a clue.

The man has zero respect for you.

How can you even look at him let alone forgive him for such calculated deceit.

I don't see you going to counselling fixing this! You are not at fault and your reaction/lack of trust/love etc is totally natural and understandable.

I don't understand what she had to blackmail him over? Can't have just been the money. Sorry I think there was more.

I think you should get an STI check.

But counselling might give you the insight to realise you're worth more than this.

The children might not notice now, but as they get older they'll notice that Mummy is sad. If you can't forgive this, your resentment will grow and become more difficult to hide.

You def. need to go and find a GOOD therapist for you, spend the time connecting with your feelings and deciding what you want in the future. I think your dh is subconsciously relying on the fact you won't divorce him hence he doesn't need to address what he did or change his behaviour now.

The children will notice as they get older - you cannot fake love 24/7.

The more you post, the more convinced I am that you will not be able to get over this. The cold blooded calculated deceit re the money...and what on earth has she got over him to blackmail him with? Also there is no way he would have handed over that much money if they weren't sleeping together (esp when they would have ample opportunity to do so on their trips).

OW was threatening to tell me and also to screw up a big contract for the company that she and Dh had spent ages working on . I'm not sure if she had the power to stop the contract but DH believed that she did. And of course he was worried about losing his job if that happened .

In the end the contract did go ahead , but only made a fraction of the money that they thought it would. It was another crock of shit .

Of course, if there was nothing between them, why was it a threat to tell me ? His explanation is that it was just because he had " loaned " her the money behind my back. Needless to say, there was no legal agreement for this loan. Not even an email about it .

Any fucker - I know I don't need " proof " to leave, just wanting to end it is enough . But we have come through some really REALLY bad stuff in our marriage ( not caused by DH ) and if like to save it if possible.

Is this the sunken cost fallacy ?

Perhaps the things is that when these other really bad things happened, we faced them together

Windy, you are right, the resentment is growing. I thought I was getting over it but it's still there inside

Random - yes, he does think that I will never divorce him

Yes, sunken costs fallacy

It's a Mug's Game, love. Like throwing good money after bad. Like a Money Pit of a house. Like a car that needs to go to the scrap heap. All the effort you put in before is done, gone, should have no effect on what you do in the future. Today is Ground Zero. If you wake up on Ground Zero Day and realise going on is worse than not, you will put an end to it.

The problem is not all within you. It's an external problem...him. At the moment you think he is worth it. He isn't.

Yep time for a therapist. Phone several talk to them, see which one YOU click with and then go.

Look, he was no doubt shagging this OW and was infatuated to a point - who dolls out cash like there's no tomorrow to a person you are just friends with - don't think so. For all you know he might have been planning in his head to leave you, none of what he has told you sounds remotely believable.

Not saying you shouldn't give him another chance but he seems totally unrepentant, are you 100% sure you still love him, I know you can't trust him and that's all down to his doing.

Be kind to yourself, personally I'd have him out until I had time and space to decide what it is I want. You have a long road ahead, sometimes when things get this bad you're better cutting your losses and living the life you want, not in shadow waiting for the next bombshell.