Someone talk some sense into me!

[ILoveLeonard]

I have NC for this as I'm embarrassed and will probably sound like an idiot...

The last few years of my 15 year marriage have been rather unhappy. I gave up my career to have children and be mainly a SAHM with a boring part time job. Had PND and then steadily sank into a downward spiral of depression and comfort eating. Completely forgot who I was and totally lost my mojo. Fat, frumpy, mush brain etc...

Meanwhile my DH had an on/off affair and we nearly split up twice.

We are supposed to be having a final attempt at patching up our marriage up. He's been seeing a therapist (lots of issues) and trying really hard. He's become 'Super DH'. But I find it irritating having to constantly pat him on the back for trying so hard. I feel he should have been more sympathetic towards me in the first place and recognised I needed support when I was unwell... Instead he just kept buggering of for evenings out with OW.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment several months ago when a lovely man in a social situation paid me some attention. We just chatted and, bearing in mind I was overweight at the time, he said he thought I looked lovely and had really enjoyed talking to me.

Since then we have stayed in touch via social networking and seen each other two more times - in company with my DH present.

I have stopped feeling depressed and (almost effortlessly) lost weight. Sorted out my clothes, hair, makeup etc and feeling much more positive. Also applying for jobs.

Our exchanges have been mainly harmless discussions about cake recipes and music, exchanging amusing posts etc. But he's been such a boost to my confidence.

Recently he's started sending direct messages more often and signing off with a X. We are supposed to be meeting up in a couple of weeks (a social occasion with DH present).

I'm finding myself thinking about him more and more. Holding back and not reciprocating the x. But I'd really like to meet up with him for lunch and a proper chat. Scared... because I so would!

Talk some sense into me!

Lem Just a couple of points: it was the OP who left the link to the Huffingham post. She asked for comments on it. I suggested she might find another link within that link(she left) helpful. The writer of the article is a psychologist/ counsellor- check him out.

Second- I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on the issue of weight etc. I was not saying that her weight gain per se was reason for his affair- far from it. I did say that if she had changed beyond recognition physically and emotionally, ( through mental health issues) he may have felt alienated and isolated which may have been one factor in his infidelity. I also said I didn't condone that behaviour.

But having said that I do still feel that we all have a responsibility to ourselves, especially for health reasons, to maintain a sensible weight - and it's being disingenuous ( not shallow) to maintain that physical appearance is not part of attraction. It's not about someone not loving you if you put weight on- but more about the person who has become overweight not caring how they look for their partner.

"It's not about someone not loving you if you put weight on- but more about the person who has become overweight not caring how they look for their partner" Really????? I care about how i look very much actually, and i am clearly still attractive to my partner because he is like a randy jack russell, but my point is not that, my point is that i care about how i look for ME not for my partner, are you a 1950's throwback??

Could it be that you are just ignorant?

Why did i put on weight? Its a side effect of the medication i take for depression - so i guess i should get down on my knees and praise the good Lord that my DP condescended to stay with me and not leave me due to the fact that I changed due to mental health issues!!

Your posts don't paint you in a very good light there, you come across as quite arrogant and the sort of person who disagrees just to get a rise.

I think resorting to a personal attack is rather telling, don't you?
I think you are out of order for calling another poster ignorant.

I'm sorry that your weight gain is down to medication- clearly that is something you cannot control.

But I still stand by what I said and suggest you read more carefully- I said we have a personal responsibility to maintaining a healthy weight. That's the same as you saying that YOU care about how you look for YOU.

But -I also think that if we don't care about how we look to our partners then we can't really care about them that much because quite frankly it's being selfish and ignorant to think that appearance has no place in attraction whether you have known someone 3 weeks for 33 years.

Nothing 1950s about that.

I think your talking about a revenge affair. Lots of people do this and many find it helps their self esteem and gains them some support while they end their marriage. Others say it's the worse thing they ever did.

The trouble is that no matter how nice om is , if he is willing to have an affair with you while your married he has questionable morals. Basically you will leave one cheater to be with another cheater. You gain nothing. You trade a cheater for a cheater.

My ex husband treated me like shit , he was a cheat and seriously abusive. I put up with it for years . I met om , I told Dh I wanted out and we divorced. I really loved my partner and was really happy. Most people know what's coming next. He cheated and I was heartbroken and back where I had started.

He had no qualms getting involved with me when I was married. when I met om I was vulnerable , lonely , had low self esteem , I'd been treated like shit for years I had loads of kids and debt. I wasn't a catch and I wasn't emotionally healthy. Most men wouldn't have been interested in me at that point and rightly so.

I think it's a positive thing that your getting your self esteem back and your not willing to put up with it anymore but having done this I'm not sure I'd advise it. As it stands you are not responsible for a divorce. If you cheat he will tell your kids you've cheated too then they have both parents who are cheats. Also don't discount feeling guilty further down the line. My guilt crushed me , my kids went through hell.

Leave your marriage because your husband has betrayed you, walk away with dignity. Teach your kids how to respond to betrayal in a healthy way. This is my biggest regret.

beyondaffairs.com/revenge-affairs-anne-bercht/

The article raises some good points. Your affair will not hurt your husband like his hurt you. He wasn't and isn't committed to you enough to experience the heartbreak that most of us go through on discovery. It will also alleviate his own guilt , and could justify another affair for him.

lemisscared im sorry to hear about your depression and what you have been through.

I agree with you Some posters post things just to get a rise.

Greek you didnt answer my question. You posted upthread that it is unwise to change too much after marriage.

But i changed AFTER marriage by losing ten stone. If we go by your "theories" i should be putting it all back on again no? Being as my physical appearance has changed so much!!!

Op, are you guilty of waiting until you have a soft bed to go to? Most people, understandably, want a soft landing when they jump -you left your dh before, but couldn't cope alone. Is it because of the new guy that you feel you can do it this time, ie you are not doing it alone?

Leonard, I think your H doesn't deserve you to keep putting in the effort. I'd also say that the fact that your heart is no longer 100% into making it work with him says to me that you're finally realising that you can't fix this.

The OM is just a distraction, he is a transition between unavailable married woman and single woman on the lookout for a new partner. I had a friend like this who made me feel special and listened-to and interesting. It made me realise that the type of relationship I wanted with a man wasn't completely out of my reach. I left XH, a few months later went on a date with this friend and tbh, got a little bit carried away with how much I liked him.

Eventually (he was a bit flaky and obviously 'not that into me'!) I realised that it was the idea and potential of feeling head over heels with somebody that was more intoxicating than this specific man for me. He served his purpose, spurred me on to leave XH and look for a better relationship.

If I were you I wouldn't take your infatuation with him too seriously, see it as what it is, a bit of a crush that is giving you the confidence to envisage a life without your H. You don't need to move on it, keep in touch by all means, but don't let it overshadow the very important work of separating from your H, both practically and emotionally.

Even when things are at the end of a very painful journey, there is huge emotional upheaval and it's not a great time to make new decisions. 15 years takes a lot of undoing, so you won't really be ready to put your all into another relationship for quite some time.

You posted upthread that it is unwise to change too much after marriage.

But i changed AFTER marriage by losing ten stone. If we go by your "theories" i should be putting it all back on again no? Being as my physical appearance has changed so much!!!

I think everyone is being unfair to GreekG here and unrealistic. She is obviously talking about changing physical appearance for the negative in broad terms. [But realistically, some men find heavier women attractive, if that's what your husband liked about you, and you loose a lot of weight, you'd need to be prepared for the fact that he may, actually, not fancy you much any more.] It's harsh but it's true - BUT it's a two way thing.

It is plainly unreal to think that ANYONE (and that applies to a man as well as a woman) has a carte blanche to let themselves go physically in any extreme way (and I'd include hygiene and grooming in that) BUT still has the right or expectation that their partner will find them attractive.

Of course, putting on a few pounds either way shouldn't change how someone feels about you. But sexual attraction is partly based on visual attraction as well as mental. All this "AS A WOMAN I AM ENTITLED TO WEIGH 25 STONE AND IF HE DAMN WELL DOESN'T FIND ME ATTRACTIVE HE IS AN UNREASONABLE DEVIL WHO MUST BE BURNED AT THE STAKE" is just sanctimonious tub thumping that is divorced from reality.

If tomorrow my husband decided he didn't want to wash much anymore, I'd be turned off. If he decided he wanted to take up industrial obesity, I wouldn't find him attractive any more. I don't find obese men attractive.

Does that make me superficial? No.

And just to emphasise, I'm not talking about whether someone loves you but whether they are sexually attracted. And I'm not talking about a few pounds, I'm talking about enough of a change to be dramatic, ie. very different from what it was before.

I was a size ten with I met my DP, im a size 20 now - i can promise you, it has had no affect on how attractive he finds me, either that or he'll poke anything because he is like a bitch on heat! I have not let myself go, i have put on weight for several reasons (eating too much might be on that list). My DP has also piled on the pounds but after 22 years he still makes my blood pressure jump when he walks in the room - that might be because i love him, ya know

Greek goddess, without being personal, you are full of shit

Actually, the points she was making are not "full of shit" for the reasons I have said above.

Generally, pejorative insults without explanation add little to a discussion and are unfair to the insulted.

I was a size ten with I met my DP, im a size 20 now - i can promise you, it has had no affect on how attractive he finds me, either that or he'll poke anything because he is like a bitch on heat!

You may be right that he "finds you AS attractive" (and I hope you are) but you may not be. Wanting to have sex is almost a given; but the "finds attractive" is a mental thing that may have changed over time.

You can't rely on the fact that a man in (I assume) a monogamous relationship wants to fuck you, equate to "he finds me as attractive now as he did then".

As I said, let's be real.

If you are a horny type, you want sex.
If you are hungry type, you may prefer a Michelin starred meal but will take a McDonalds if that is all that's on offer.

And as I said - it applies to women too. Imagine you are married to a man you love. He becomes hugely obese. The fact you still want to have sex with the man you committed do and are against adultery does NOT mean that he is as sexually attractive to you as when he was running marathons, had a six pack and a cock you could find without lifting flesh.

Repeating AGAIN I am talking about BIG changes not a couple of pounds/stone or so.

This is one of the best threads I've ever read!

If you are hungry type, you may prefer a Michelin starred meal but will take a McDonalds if that is all that's on offer is definitely a classic.

leonard whatever happens, you deserve happiness and it seems from your posts that you need something a lot different and better than what your 'D'H is giving you in your marriage.

Why not just meet your friend, without any specific intentions or preconceived ideas about which direction it will take. Keep holding back on those x's, underinvest rather than expecting him to have all the answers, but see if he hints at the relationship being something less than platonic? Then decide how you want to move things forward, in your own time and at a pace that works for you.

You never know, he could be Slanket man.....

Oops sorry, something more than platonic.

It was the Slanket that distracted me!