Someone talk some sense into me!

[ILoveLeonard]

I have NC for this as I'm embarrassed and will probably sound like an idiot...

The last few years of my 15 year marriage have been rather unhappy. I gave up my career to have children and be mainly a SAHM with a boring part time job. Had PND and then steadily sank into a downward spiral of depression and comfort eating. Completely forgot who I was and totally lost my mojo. Fat, frumpy, mush brain etc...

Meanwhile my DH had an on/off affair and we nearly split up twice.

We are supposed to be having a final attempt at patching up our marriage up. He's been seeing a therapist (lots of issues) and trying really hard. He's become 'Super DH'. But I find it irritating having to constantly pat him on the back for trying so hard. I feel he should have been more sympathetic towards me in the first place and recognised I needed support when I was unwell... Instead he just kept buggering of for evenings out with OW.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment several months ago when a lovely man in a social situation paid me some attention. We just chatted and, bearing in mind I was overweight at the time, he said he thought I looked lovely and had really enjoyed talking to me.

Since then we have stayed in touch via social networking and seen each other two more times - in company with my DH present.

I have stopped feeling depressed and (almost effortlessly) lost weight. Sorted out my clothes, hair, makeup etc and feeling much more positive. Also applying for jobs.

Our exchanges have been mainly harmless discussions about cake recipes and music, exchanging amusing posts etc. But he's been such a boost to my confidence.

Recently he's started sending direct messages more often and signing off with a X. We are supposed to be meeting up in a couple of weeks (a social occasion with DH present).

I'm finding myself thinking about him more and more. Holding back and not reciprocating the x. But I'd really like to meet up with him for lunch and a proper chat. Scared... because I so would!

Talk some sense into me!

Recently he's started sending direct messages more often and signing off with a X . . .Holding back and not reciprocating the x.

Signing off with an "x" means nothing at all. Plenty of people do this as a habit. It is a sign you are over-invested if you are analysing an "x".

Flick through the sign offs of your emails (both ones you've received and ones you have sent) and you'll see what I mean! "Love" doesn't mean "I love you"; "thinking of you" doesn't mean I love you. It's only when you are really into someone that you start analysing like this. ("He smiled at me: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?!)

Just because he's being friendly and chatting with you doesn't mean he wants an affair. It's possible he is just enjoying the flirtation and feels safe because he knows you are married (he's met your DH!).

He could very well be up for an affair - but he may not be.

All I'm saying is that you sound very vulnerable and very, very over-invested in this man because he's shown you a bit of kindness and attention.

Tread carefully and with caution as you could be both hurt and mortifyingly embarrassed if you are barking up the wrong tree.

Your post at 17.43 That is you speaking from your heart OP. Go with the content of that post. A slight adjustment on this theme is you legally separating but staying under the same roof to keep a foot on the floor as it were but follow your heart and move on. Ignore the white noise being emitted by your 'D'H whether good or bad. He was not there for you when you needed him and has broken his vows to you. Make your own path now.

Woah woah, everybody saying that OM is an option - he IS, if her DH is perfectly aware. When do you plan to tell him? Before you meet up in private? after X amount of lunches? OP seriously you need to draw a line. It is not fair to keep him on the back burner in case this man isn't what you wanted or doesn't want what you want. Do the decent thing and tell him straight if you are about to do this. I have no problem with you seeing this man as more than a friend, but don't expect to walk back into your husbands arms after. Make a choice now about if your DH is the right man for you, if not, tell him, without the promise of a replacement. He is not an appliance, he is a human being and deserves you being honest about your intentions. I know it hurts like hell when you are cheated on, I really do. Don't justify by "he did it to me", that never works for anybody, either leave him or work on things. Don't get yourself into a situation where you have made a mess, you need to make a clear decision. Either way, despite him being the cheat, he deserves to know and you are a better person than keeping this from him. My advice would be to leave your DH but I rarely point people in that direction if they seem to want to work at it. In your case it is clearly what you want but you are scared to do.

Shame on the people cheerleading her into doing something very silly indeed

It's one thing ending a marriage but inviting a whole world of shit to rain down on you (and losing that very useful moral high ground) whilst you do it is something else again

Been off doing dinner & baths etc... Thank you for (very varied!) advice here.

I take the point about the x in the messages. Yes it's possible I am barking up the wrong tree entirely. Thats why I'm considering a completely harmless coffee or lunch somewhere very public where I'd usually go to with other male friends.

I am still feeling confused and probably just need to take some more time to mull all this over.

You should go for the lunch and see what happens between 2 (for now) friends. Its lunch, that's all.

It's not "just lunch" for the OP though, is it

She sounds vulnerable to any old shyster, and egging her on is nasty

The kind of guy who is interested in you now is probably worth giving a wide berth.

No insult intended but you are vulnerable/ desperate for attention. And understandably so since you are married to an arse wipe.

Absolutely finish your marriage 100%
But not for another arse wipe.

Go find yourself first......and all that wonderful journey entails.

MN at its finest ^^

You seem to be crediting this mans attention for your current positive changes. Isn't it more likely that you have recovered from your PND and emotionally distanced yourself from your husband (so he can't hurt or bring you down in the same way) that this change is down to you? Not a bloke. Maybe you noticing this man means you are emotionally ready to move on from your husband. But keep your options open as to who you let in. You do only have one life. Use it wisely. Get rid of OH, then see what's out there.

My sincere hope for you, OP, is that you get your mojo back, your self-esteem, your inner shine ... and then you find a man.

That you are finding it now is wonderful on the one hand, but on the other it means that your source of self-sustenance is external. Please, learn to own it and make it yours. It takes a lot more time, but it's a hell of a lot more rewarding in the long run.

"OK so say, for instance, I tell DH I DON'T want to work things out and ask him to leave, start divorce proceedings, DH refuses to leave (again) and I start seeing OM. Surely this would, if anything, make DH realise its best to just go? If I am unlucky enough to have fallen for a 'bad un' and it is short lived at least I will have gained my mojo back and my useless DH will be gone. Obvs I need to think of my DCs (something I have done constantly for the last few years)".

Your H had an affair and you're still together; what makes you think that you having an affair would suggest to your H that yes, maybe he should leave now?. Two wrongs simply make two wrongs. The effects of your marriage on the children already are incalculable and will not perhaps be seen for many years.

What do you think your children have and are learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

No man is above the law here and many men do refuse to leave; its a power play. Starting divorce proceedings properly would be a way forward for you. If this other man was at all decent he would back off and not take advantage of your very real and valid need for affection (because you certainly do not get that from your H and likely never have). You potentially having an affair now will not give you the moral high ground, it will lower you even further. It will all get thrown back at you 1000 fold.

You need to be on your own now and rebuild your life without either man in it. This does not automatically mean that you return to a slanket existence. You have a choice here, your children do not because they have to follow your lead.

I don't think it is fair or accurate to say that her children have suffered or will suffer if she starts a relationship with this man. No one knows that. I'll reiterate what I posted before which is that I have known families (not my own but in laws and extended family) where affairs have carried on for years, the children knew and stood by each parent until their dying day.
I have also known many families where one partner left the other for someone else and again,(often when the marriage had been dead for years) the nuclear fall-out predicted here didn't happen. The children tended to be happy that one parent at least was happy.

It's not ideal, granted, but it's not right either to become all parsimonious about it . In a perfect world people would finish one relationship before starting another but we're all human with failings. Sometimes- as in the OP's case- meeting someone else is the light bulb moment when one partner realises they have to move on.

However, I do think OP you need to have a long hard think about your marriage. It doesn't sound good so you have to ask if this guy was not around whether you'd feel like staying with your H or not.

You've not got a lot to go on really; a few compliments and some attention. Yes it puts a spring in your step, and makes you feel good, but is that enough to push you towards divorce? Face the fact you may well end up with neither man, and a single mum. You could well be living in a fantasy world about how much this man likes you and any possibility of any future with him.

It's easy to say your marriage has been difficult when in fact it was yourself who had difficulties. I am not condoning your DH's affair but you must have changed considerably from who he married to who you became as a depressed, overweight and lack-lustre partner. he must have grieved for the woman he'd married and felt very isolated. He's now making the effort it seems so you need to ask is what he's giving you enough and if not are you prepared to go it alone and then see if this OM is still on the scene?

With regards to my DCs... They are already aware of what their Dad has been up to, as I had to explain it to them when we left him briefly. My DD is 12, very mature for her age and is delighted that I'm feeling (and looking) better. She has been cheering me on, helping to choose clothes etc. DS is 8 and understands less but has noticed I have more energy to play football with him these days.

I have been reading this interesting article here: www.huffingtonpost.com/douglas-labier/why-an-affair-can-be-psyc_b_1604018.html

Comments on the article would be helpful.

Please note: Nothing has happened yet. I'm still investigating and weighing things up.

Greekgoddess - My serious depression and weight issues happened AFTER I realised he'd started his affair. Realising I was powerless to stop him from seeing her. My physical appearance and the PND after DS was born was really on the 'normal' spectrum. He just needed to man up at that point. I have had therapy myself twice and the results of both courses was that he absolutely should of helped and supported me. But he didn't. Frankly, he just allowed me to sink into an abyss.

I have stayed in this marriage (in its bad state) for six years, trying to forgive and move on, each time hoping it will get better.... I think I need something to push me 'over the edge'. Otherwise I wouldn't be in here saying this stuff, would I?

ok- have read that feature. Now what? The crux of it was that an affair usually provokes a response and is a sign of something amiss between a couple.
So what are YOU going to do now?
If you have been unhappy for 6 years then what is keeping you there?
You say you have had counselling- have you thought about starting that again to help you find the way through this?

I think you are wanting 'permission' to have this affair ( or at least a flirtation because we don't know how much this guy is interested in you- it may all be a fantasy.)

Ok- so let's see how you think it will play out:

1. Secret affair, it ends badly, you stay with DH, and intend to make it work.
2. Secret affair, you leave DH for the OM. Happy ever after.
3. Secret affair, it carries on for years with you having 2 men in your life.
4. Open affair with DH on the back burner waiting for you to decide what you want.
5. Open affair with DH divorcing you as soon as he finds out.
6. Open affair with OM leaving you, DH leaving you and you being a single parent.
7. Open affair while legally separated but in same house, you hope DH will get fed up and leave.

I want to ask if you feel you are passive to a degree- you feel that by having an affair or straying close to one, a decision will be forced on you by others because you are too afraid to make a choice yourself over what you want. You will have an affair and wait for the fall out and the absolves you of making a choice.

Any of these help?

OP you might find this link within the link more helpful.

www.huffingtonpost.com/douglas-labier/the-psychology-of-affairs_b_622639.html

" I am not condoning your DH's affair but you must have changed considerably from who he married to who you became as a depressed, overweight and lack-lustre partner. he must have grieved for the woman he'd married and felt very isolated."

Jesus wept you are kidding arent you Greek. I think you owe the OP an apology for this statement. Classic woman blaming!

Greek i used to be 21 stone and i lost ten stone so im no longer "the same woman" my DH married.

Would you suggest to me that i put it all back on again!

Nope sorry- not your role to tell me or anyone to apologise to anyone.
It's a long way down from that horse!

I dont think i really need to say much more. Will let your attitude speak for itself Greek.

I just hope to God that you are not a counsellor.

Leonard, what if you have an affair with OM, then have a messy split up, with him perhaps having multiple affairs with other women, at the same time? What will happen to your mojo, then?

You need your sense of self worth to come from you, not from validation from this man (or any other person).

It may well not be anyone's place to tell someone to apologise greekgoddess but really? Do you not consider that your comment was actually not very nice. It doesn't matter one fuck if the OP has put on weight (apart from herself!) since they were married, many many women do, as do men - both me and DP have put on significant amount of weight since we met, if he decided that he wanted to go elsewhere because im not the woman he met, then fuck him, let him go. Because if he was that shallow he certainly wouldn't be the person i thought he was.

Generally, i wouldn't consider anything published on huffington post a well balanced researched article so i doubt the OP will be missing much by giving that a miss.

Its interesting OP, that you say that you feel you should be patting your DH on the back for making an effort. Fuck that - he should be grovelling at your bloody feet and making you feel special, making you realise how grateful he is that you have accepted him back. He clearly isn't because you are getting your self-esteem massaged by this OM. If your DH was making you feel loved and appreciated this OM wouldn't even feature beyond a mild flirtation, and we are all allowed those.

Only you can decide what you want, but I would think very hard about having an affair and the fall out that may come from that. I can't see it being something that will make you happy if i'm very honest.