Working Away From Home

[WibbleWobble1]

Hi All,

I live in Birmingham and have been offered a dream job in London. The money is good, the company is good and the prospects are excellent.

I live with my partner (her council home) and her son, we have been together for about 18 months, been through a few ups and downs but have worked everything out and came back on a much even footing.

London is also where my own son lives, every second Friday I zoom down to London, collect him and bring him back home for a weekend with me in Birmingham.

Here's my dilemma - My partner, she does not want to relocate. Her family are here, her son who is disabled, attends a specialised school and for the 18 months we have been together, we have a a few to many rocky patches for her to be certain about moving.

We have talked options, I don't take the job and continue trying to find a better position up here.. (very few jobs and we have money issues). I commute on a daily basis, this is possible but would cost a fortune and the extra money from the job would be pointless. I find a Mon-Fri let, travelling down Monday morning and coming home on Friday evening. My partner has thrown in another option, I find a place of my own, she stay here in Birmingham and lives by herself. We effectively date.

She is very pssed off to say the least. She feels that I have been pressurising her, and you know, she is probably right. I have tried hard to see this as a positive, better home (in London), better area (we currently live in shtsville) and there would be a school extremely suited to her son. I would also be close to my own son. She just doesn't want to move - to soon, to many past issues, no period of stability. I get it, so fine.

I could work down there finding a cheap Mon-Fri let and come home every weekend. This again is not for her. She doesn't want to have me treating the home like a hotel and for her to be lumbered doing everything by herself - i.e. decorating etc.

Her solution is for me to take the job, move out of the home, find my own place somewhere closer to this new job. She can then go back on benefits, be secure (her words), I can be closer to my son and we can "see" each other.

I'm at a loss, her solution seems pretty crap. I have financially supported the home, paid the rent, council tax, etc. etc. and it felt like a family. Now with this new job, things have gone completely astray..

I know if I take the job it will be the end of us.. I don't know what to do!

Has anyone else experienced or been through this?

[demoska1]

Good idea...go and visit family, your son and friends. Be kind to yourself and take a breather before you decide what to do.
Let your p process this difficult time on her own. It feels that there are differing work ethics which may have been an issue all along. You sound as if you are ready to move up in the world rather than stand still and plod.... and that is good.
My dad always tells me to laugh and the world will laugh with me but to cry and I will be crying alone. It's very true and sticks in my head when I'm faced with challenges. Good luck and have fun with your son.

[holeinmyheart]

Aw wibble I am sorry for your pain. However if it is any consolation you haven't disappeared from her life yet.
Go with dignity and accept her decision. Send her your address but make no effort to contact her . Try not to grovel and beg and see what happens.
After a few weeks without your help and support as you seem such a great caring guy, she might well ask you to reconsider.
Otherwise, cut your loses and look forward to a new life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I do feel that your p had her own agenda and her mind was set weeks ago
I completely agree with this.
I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will think of this as a lucky escape at some point in the future.
Get out, get to your new life and enjoy it as a newly single, young and free person!
You'll find the right person in the future. Your current partner just wasn't it!

[NancyJones]

Good luck with it all. I hope it works out. If it helps, try and savour the joy on your son's face when you tell him you are moving down to be close to him.
Oh and look carefully at train times. We used to live in Windsor and the train into town was a bugger. I'd look north to Herts if you have a Windsor budget. Places like St Albans are similar price and size but half the journey time into Town.

[WibbleWobble1]

Thank so much for your help and advice - St Albans looks lovely although it is a bit to far from my son. Maybe when I'm older, even greyer than I am now I'll wander in that direction.

With regards to the OH, she refuses to talk to me because she is both very upset and extremely angry.

Although from what little she has spoken, she feels that I have pressurised her into moving, something she tried to accommodate but couldn't. She knows being closer to my son would mean a great deal to me but says it is my own fault. I shouldn't have moved in with her.

We currently live in a two bedroom house. My son has to share a room with her son. My son sleeps on the floor, on blow up bed. It has been this way for over a year. It isn't ideal. Her son is severely autistic. He can't talk, he screams, he shouts, he bangs things. He is incredibly loud. Obviously this is just part of his condition, and I accept everything about him. I've grown to love him and care a great deal. He is an amazing boy.

However, from my perspective, this "noise" is constant, it starts from whenever her son wakes. This could be 7am, it could be 6am, it could be 2am-3am... It continues all day, sometimes up to 10pm-11pm. My son, he can't share a room in this way. It isn't fair. He needs his own space to..

My OH has never grasped this, never understood, would feel I am attacking, would feel I am pressuring her. The new job gave an opportunity to fix everything, but instead it broke everything.

I have pushed initially for bunk beds, this would have got my son out of the blow up bed. She never liked this idea after all it was her boys room. Her son's home and my boy basically lived elsewhere and just visited.. sigh.

When this new job came along, I realised we could, or would be able to move, upgrade our home. This is where it all went wrong... We'd have issues in the past, the relationship had been up and down. She didn't want to leave her family.. she wanted a long period of stability. I understand that.

I offered a compromise.. working down there and coming home at weekend.. that was a no. It was then a no to our whole relationship :( I had pressured her to much..

I hate seeing her so angry.. upset.. I hate the way I feel now.. It feels like I've had the life sucked out of me.. I haven't been eating properly.. neither has she.. It is such a mess.

I'll have to brighten up.. I am going to collect my son in a few hours and then staying the weekend with my dad. It'll be nice but I feel absolutely heart broken by this.

[coppertop]

If her ds has autism then moving him to a bunk bed could well be an absolute nightmare. Moving house and changing schools might also end up being an horrific experience for him. My own ds is at the much milder end of the spectrum and I can't even begin to describe what it was like when we needed to move house.

She may well also have a support network that she has built up around her. That alone would be worth more than any new job could pay.

And if her ds needs routine, having you turning up every weekend and then leaving again could be extremely difficult for them both. It's also likely to lead to a lot of resentment.

I don't think you're wrong to want to chase your dream but things like changing schools, moving away, leaving family behind are a whole new world when you have a child with autism.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I wouldn't give up a council flat if I had a disabled child, not for any guy and his promises of a better life. She's just being pragmatic.

[demoska1]

I fully understand all the factors in this situation but you must chose to do what is right for you at this time.
Your p has a huge responsibility to her child but so do you. Your son sleeping on an air bed is not ideal either and most mums would have attempted to offer another solution.
I still feel that your p had made her mind up long ago and will defend her choice with possibly giving reasons which are not entirely true. Go to London and see what happens. With the right preparation a child with complex needs can be prepared for and accept changes but it is your p who has to instigate this.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Sorry, but as the mother of a child with disabilities, while I can see your side, I can definitely see hers as well. My 8yo cannot even share a bedroom with his brother - it's just not safe for either of them. He goes to a specialised school that took AGES to sort including a fight with the LA.

Keeping in mind that getting any place in a specialised school for a child with disabilities is no easy task. Perhaps she is not ready to go though that battle again - statement in new LA, new medical professionals to get used to, a fight to get him into the best possible school for his needs - if indeed there is one locally that will work. Just because a school is specialised, that doesn't mean it can necessarily meet her child's needs.

I would love to move areas, but I am terrified that I would then be at the mercy of the new LA and be fighting again for provision for my 8yo - and that's simply a risk I can't take when he is in a good place now. Just something to think about. I think people often forget that with a disabled child with a statement and such, moving is much more complicated.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

With the right preparation a child with complex needs can be prepared for and accept changes but it is your p who has to instigate this.

I would say this needs to be qualified that SOME children with complex needs can be prepared and may accept changes. Others may not. And others may be put in a worse position because the services, education system, medical care in the new area is not as good for their needs as the old area. Many parents are not willing to take that risk.