Working Away From Home

[WibbleWobble1]

Hi All,

I live in Birmingham and have been offered a dream job in London. The money is good, the company is good and the prospects are excellent.

I live with my partner (her council home) and her son, we have been together for about 18 months, been through a few ups and downs but have worked everything out and came back on a much even footing.

London is also where my own son lives, every second Friday I zoom down to London, collect him and bring him back home for a weekend with me in Birmingham.

Here's my dilemma - My partner, she does not want to relocate. Her family are here, her son who is disabled, attends a specialised school and for the 18 months we have been together, we have a a few to many rocky patches for her to be certain about moving.

We have talked options, I don't take the job and continue trying to find a better position up here.. (very few jobs and we have money issues). I commute on a daily basis, this is possible but would cost a fortune and the extra money from the job would be pointless. I find a Mon-Fri let, travelling down Monday morning and coming home on Friday evening. My partner has thrown in another option, I find a place of my own, she stay here in Birmingham and lives by herself. We effectively date.

She is very pssed off to say the least. She feels that I have been pressurising her, and you know, she is probably right. I have tried hard to see this as a positive, better home (in London), better area (we currently live in shtsville) and there would be a school extremely suited to her son. I would also be close to my own son. She just doesn't want to move - to soon, to many past issues, no period of stability. I get it, so fine.

I could work down there finding a cheap Mon-Fri let and come home every weekend. This again is not for her. She doesn't want to have me treating the home like a hotel and for her to be lumbered doing everything by herself - i.e. decorating etc.

Her solution is for me to take the job, move out of the home, find my own place somewhere closer to this new job. She can then go back on benefits, be secure (her words), I can be closer to my son and we can "see" each other.

I'm at a loss, her solution seems pretty crap. I have financially supported the home, paid the rent, council tax, etc. etc. and it felt like a family. Now with this new job, things have gone completely astray..

I know if I take the job it will be the end of us.. I don't know what to do!

Has anyone else experienced or been through this?

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

With the right preparation a child with complex needs can be prepared for and accept changes but it is your p who has to instigate this.

I would say this needs to be qualified that SOME children with complex needs can be prepared and may accept changes. Others may not. And others may be put in a worse position because the services, education system, medical care in the new area is not as good for their needs as the old area. Many parents are not willing to take that risk.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Sorry, but as the mother of a child with disabilities, while I can see your side, I can definitely see hers as well. My 8yo cannot even share a bedroom with his brother - it's just not safe for either of them. He goes to a specialised school that took AGES to sort including a fight with the LA.

Keeping in mind that getting any place in a specialised school for a child with disabilities is no easy task. Perhaps she is not ready to go though that battle again - statement in new LA, new medical professionals to get used to, a fight to get him into the best possible school for his needs - if indeed there is one locally that will work. Just because a school is specialised, that doesn't mean it can necessarily meet her child's needs.

I would love to move areas, but I am terrified that I would then be at the mercy of the new LA and be fighting again for provision for my 8yo - and that's simply a risk I can't take when he is in a good place now. Just something to think about. I think people often forget that with a disabled child with a statement and such, moving is much more complicated.

[demoska1]

I fully understand all the factors in this situation but you must chose to do what is right for you at this time.
Your p has a huge responsibility to her child but so do you. Your son sleeping on an air bed is not ideal either and most mums would have attempted to offer another solution.
I still feel that your p had made her mind up long ago and will defend her choice with possibly giving reasons which are not entirely true. Go to London and see what happens. With the right preparation a child with complex needs can be prepared for and accept changes but it is your p who has to instigate this.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I wouldn't give up a council flat if I had a disabled child, not for any guy and his promises of a better life. She's just being pragmatic.

[coppertop]

If her ds has autism then moving him to a bunk bed could well be an absolute nightmare. Moving house and changing schools might also end up being an horrific experience for him. My own ds is at the much milder end of the spectrum and I can't even begin to describe what it was like when we needed to move house.

She may well also have a support network that she has built up around her. That alone would be worth more than any new job could pay.

And if her ds needs routine, having you turning up every weekend and then leaving again could be extremely difficult for them both. It's also likely to lead to a lot of resentment.

I don't think you're wrong to want to chase your dream but things like changing schools, moving away, leaving family behind are a whole new world when you have a child with autism.

[WibbleWobble1]

Thank so much for your help and advice - St Albans looks lovely although it is a bit to far from my son. Maybe when I'm older, even greyer than I am now I'll wander in that direction.

With regards to the OH, she refuses to talk to me because she is both very upset and extremely angry.

Although from what little she has spoken, she feels that I have pressurised her into moving, something she tried to accommodate but couldn't. She knows being closer to my son would mean a great deal to me but says it is my own fault. I shouldn't have moved in with her.

We currently live in a two bedroom house. My son has to share a room with her son. My son sleeps on the floor, on blow up bed. It has been this way for over a year. It isn't ideal. Her son is severely autistic. He can't talk, he screams, he shouts, he bangs things. He is incredibly loud. Obviously this is just part of his condition, and I accept everything about him. I've grown to love him and care a great deal. He is an amazing boy.

However, from my perspective, this "noise" is constant, it starts from whenever her son wakes. This could be 7am, it could be 6am, it could be 2am-3am... It continues all day, sometimes up to 10pm-11pm. My son, he can't share a room in this way. It isn't fair. He needs his own space to..

My OH has never grasped this, never understood, would feel I am attacking, would feel I am pressuring her. The new job gave an opportunity to fix everything, but instead it broke everything.

I have pushed initially for bunk beds, this would have got my son out of the blow up bed. She never liked this idea after all it was her boys room. Her son's home and my boy basically lived elsewhere and just visited.. sigh.

When this new job came along, I realised we could, or would be able to move, upgrade our home. This is where it all went wrong... We'd have issues in the past, the relationship had been up and down. She didn't want to leave her family.. she wanted a long period of stability. I understand that.

I offered a compromise.. working down there and coming home at weekend.. that was a no. It was then a no to our whole relationship :( I had pressured her to much..

I hate seeing her so angry.. upset.. I hate the way I feel now.. It feels like I've had the life sucked out of me.. I haven't been eating properly.. neither has she.. It is such a mess.

I'll have to brighten up.. I am going to collect my son in a few hours and then staying the weekend with my dad. It'll be nice but I feel absolutely heart broken by this.

[NancyJones]

Good luck with it all. I hope it works out. If it helps, try and savour the joy on your son's face when you tell him you are moving down to be close to him.
Oh and look carefully at train times. We used to live in Windsor and the train into town was a bugger. I'd look north to Herts if you have a Windsor budget. Places like St Albans are similar price and size but half the journey time into Town.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I do feel that your p had her own agenda and her mind was set weeks ago
I completely agree with this.
I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will think of this as a lucky escape at some point in the future.
Get out, get to your new life and enjoy it as a newly single, young and free person!
You'll find the right person in the future. Your current partner just wasn't it!

[holeinmyheart]

Aw wibble I am sorry for your pain. However if it is any consolation you haven't disappeared from her life yet.
Go with dignity and accept her decision. Send her your address but make no effort to contact her . Try not to grovel and beg and see what happens.
After a few weeks without your help and support as you seem such a great caring guy, she might well ask you to reconsider.
Otherwise, cut your loses and look forward to a new life.

[demoska1]

Good idea...go and visit family, your son and friends. Be kind to yourself and take a breather before you decide what to do.
Let your p process this difficult time on her own. It feels that there are differing work ethics which may have been an issue all along. You sound as if you are ready to move up in the world rather than stand still and plod.... and that is good.
My dad always tells me to laugh and the world will laugh with me but to cry and I will be crying alone. It's very true and sticks in my head when I'm faced with challenges. Good luck and have fun with your son.

[WibbleWobble1]

Yes, I agree, I will go quietly. I don't want to cause any more heart ache or antagonise her further. I just need to gather my thoughts, myself and work out my next move.

My son is with me this weekend, so I'll concentrate on him first and then look at my options. Might go and see my dad too, he's always good for a chat.

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts. It's appreciated.

[demoska1]

I am sad to hear that my suspicions were true. I do feel that your p had her own agenda and her mind was set weeks ago. I feel she is using this as a way to end things and as an excuse. Resulting in breaking your heart at a time when your future plans are wobbly.
Take a deep breath. Hold your head up high. Walk your path...to London and see what pans out. Give her some space to think and you never know she may realise what she has lost.
Go quietly or you will back her into a corner and make her more stubborn.

[WibbleWobble1]

Hi Nancy

Yes It would be a nicer location - just outside London, towards either Ascot/Windsor or Kingston/Hampton, basically leafy Surrey. We are currently near the Birmingham NEC, in a part of Birmingham that is not particularly nice.

The pay rise is substantial and would support any move or change. The schools which would support her son's disability would are relatively close. They offer a collection and return service.

It doesn't seem to matter now though.. she's made her decision and we are now over.. It ended up being her way or no way.. :(

[NancyJones]

You keep saying a nicer location. Is it a nicer location? Or is it just 'the South' and by your definition that makes it a nicer location? I'm just asking because it must be one heck of a pay rise to move from a crappy area of Birmingham to a nice part of London. I'm not having a go just trying to understand what you had offered her and whether it was close to the school she needed.

[WibbleWobble1]

Yes, I know I did put pressure on her.. I tried to explain the positives, the job, what it could bring in the future, how I would put my all into taking care of her, her son, my son. We'd have a better home, in a nicer location, I tried to explain the finances, I tried to find and suggest compromises... I explained the compromises.. how they could work.

All along I did say that if it wasn't for us.. then that would be it and I would reject the job. I must have pushed to hard. Stupid really when I thought it would only enhance and improve our lives.

[dreamingbohemian]

Ah sorry to hear that. Be honest with yourself, did you emotionally blackmail her at all or put tons of pressure on her? If not, then you didn't do anything wrong.

I know it must be very upsetting but honestly it's probably for the best. Try to focus on how much this might improve things with your own son, that's a huge positive.

[WibbleWobble1]

Just got my marching orders from her. She wants me to pack my stuff and go. It's all been to much pressure for her.

She doesn't want someone like me, who has a young child, someone who has a hidden agenda about moving to London (her words). She doesn't want a part time boyfriend and would rather live on her own and date someone up here.

Because of this and how she has been pressurised she no longer loves me. She has said it is all my fault and I should not have moved here or in with her. She now says she has wasted all the time we had together.

She doesn't feel like she has been taken care of and doesn't need to do something she doesn't want to do (move).

I only offered her options, how it could work but this is how it ends.

It's really crap because I would never have considered, thought about this role if I knew it would get to this point.

I was messaged by a friend about the job and it seemed great. I told my DP, she obviously raised concerns about distance etc. I said I didn't know the answer but would like to see what the interview was like. She came with me and potter around the shops. She loved it down there. She even started to look at homes.

She was positive for a few weeks, or up until the 2nd interview. She started to get upset and said she didn't know what to do. Family up here, school etc. She would then have good days when moving seemed ok.

Anyway.. I was offered the job, she said she was not moving. I tried to offer solutions. It's ended like this.

I feel awful... I must have done so much wrong. :(

[demoska1]

Such a stress and dilemma at a time when you should be celebrating a new opportunity and adventure.
I feel from reading your post that you are both "wobbly" in your relationship. I understand both sides of this issue but I sense that your DP is maybe using this offer of a new job as a "get out clause", so you will go and she does not have to "break up" with you. may be I'm wrong?!?
I suggest you grap this opportunity with both hands and move to London. See what happens. Your DP has made it clear she will be financially independent with out you which leaves you supporting yourself financially with out the worry of bills in "s*sville"
You will reap the benefit of being near your son and if your love/relationship is very strong then DP will make the effort to join you.
You only have one life and I beleive things happen for a reason..good and bad. If you stay down life will pass you by.

[staplemind]

500 PM minimum + bills + transport/tube

[SeasonsEatings]

Go to London and see how she behaves, if she misses you?

It reads like she is packing you off and as someone else said no that into you tbh.

Get a place to live in London and stop paying for the home in Birmingham.

You may be under estimating the cost of living in London if you think you can rent somewhere half decent for 400-500 a month? Which part of London are you looking to move to?

[dreamingbohemian]

What are your objections to Option 2? a long distance relationship basically. Lots of people do this for years, and from greater distances. It must seem like a step back because you currently live together, but relationships can go through lots of variations. It might be feasible for some time and then who knows, perhaps a great job will come up in Birmingham, or London will seem more feasible to her when her son is older, etc.

I don't think you should turn down the job and you don't want to break up so why not give Option 2 a chance?

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's coming across as though she is just 'not that into you'
Take the job. Move down to London.
Be closer to your son.
Let her get her independence back.
See each other and see what happens.
I think it spells the beginning of the end.
You may meet the perfect person in your new life.
One where the first 18 months of the relationship aren't such hard work!

[WibbleWobble1]

Yes, financially it is all workable. I was anticipating around £400-£500 for somewhere to settle and then travel costs on top of that. I could have also maintained the bills and home costs back in Birmingham

That was one of my compromises but it doesn't work or sit well with her.

The only options available and she is prepare to work with are, walk away from the job, I take the job, move down completely to London and she lives with out my financial help in Birmingham - we continue to see each other and finally option number 3 is take the job and break up.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sounds to me like she is seeing this as her 'get out of jail free' card!
Definitely take the job and see how it all goes.
A room in a house in a nice part of London will probably cost around £500 per month - that's an extra £6K PA. Then you'll have travel expenses every weekend which will be expensive.
Is this something that could work? Is the extra money enough?

[forago]

move on i say too - if she really wants to, she will stay in touch. Put yourself and your son first.