Found out partner been taking drugs behind my back

[PeggaPip]

Posting here as too ashamed to tell anyone in RL, I mean, how did I not realise for nearly a year?!
Found out 'D'P had run up huge overdraft, took me nearly 2 weeks to get it out of him but finally confessed a few days ago he had spent it on cocaine, apparently he started nearly a year ago (when we were seperated) and stopped taking it about 2 months ago.
So far he is showing no real remorse,apart from saying he's ashamed of what he's done, so I can't even begin to start trying to think how I/we can try and move on from this. He's shown no real consideration of how heartbroken,betrayed and fucking furious I am. I can't beeline how appallingly selfish he has been and if I can ever trust him again.
Don't know where to go from here at all. Have spent all today in bed just feeling numb.
Could you forgive a partner who had done this? We have 2 young DCs.

He is also quite aggressive when I try and talk to him about which makes me wonder if he is still using drugs? (Comedown/withdrawals?)

Oh dear. My ex was a cokehead and he lied and lied and lied about it. Pretty standard I think.

I could not forgive, no, but I didn't have DC with him.

Does he have a plan of how he is going to earn back the money, earn back your trust? Do you actually believe him at all? Why was he taking coke in the first place?

My ex was incredibly boring when he had taken coke and even more boring the next few days on his comedown.

If he is being aggressive with you that would be reason enough not to forgive to be honest.

Unacceptable ,dump him asap ....(LTB)

Has he said how he is going to sort the money out? He made the debt.
Does he seem at all aware of what caused him to start taking the coke, etc. What does he account for making him stop? Without a good reason to stop, he wouldn't have...coke is pretty bloody moorish. He wouldn't just stop on a whim one day because he'd got bored.

Maybe he's still using (see above), but he might just be being a dickhead, or tetchy because he's still relatively newly "clean" and fighting temptation (not fair to take it out on you, but it does make you edgy, etc). It'll take a while for him to "level out". That's assuming he doesn't relapse. Has he said what measures he's put in place to avoid that?

I would give someone formerly addicted to drugs a chance. I would support them in recovery.
I would do so only if they were grateful, kind (!) to me and showed some self awareness.

How did he "get into" it? Friends? Is he still friends with them if so? He cant be, really, if he wants this to work...

Not sure which of those he qualifies as.

"Stopped taking it about two months ago". If that's true, which I doubt, then it's likely that he's only stopped because he hasn't access to any more money for it. Keep an eagle-eye on your purse while you do his packing for him.

A year of selfishness and deceit, and he's not even remorseful. Boot him out!

I'm very open minded about a lot of drug use but coke is such a wankers drug, it really is.

I think there's a certain personality type that gets into it, and it can be very hard to quit although it is not 'addictive' in the true sense of the word, meaning it causes no physical 'cold turkey' side effects but a strong psychological dependency.

Did he offer an explanation as to why he did it?

So when was he taking it?

Was he going out with his mates?

Does he still go out with his mates?

Sorry, to answer your question - as it stands there is no way in hell I would trust him again right now. He is still in denial about the reasons for and extent of his coke use and is minimising and being avoidant which is not acceptable IMO.

I would separate any finances from him RIGHT NOW. How he pays his overdraft off is his problem, don't let him make it yours.

Coke is ridiculously expensive for what you get, and probably one of the least ethical products it's possible to buy. Like I said, it's a wankers drug. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone under these circumstances.

He's only given me minimal information. He started taking it when we split in Sep last year and he moved out of the family home. We got back together and he moved back in in feb this year and he carried on because he enjoyed it/was addicted. Said no one else knew. Said he's never done it in the house but he doesn't go out a lot so I don't know where else he could have done it. Just feel so stupid for not realising. I dabbled in my teens but only a handful of times and would NEVER do any form of drugs now I have children. I asked him what made him stop and he said because he ran out of money. I don't understand why me and the children weren't enough to make him want to stop I'm hurt and so very angry that he could be so selfish. I've told him he doesn't deserve the kids. He can't seem to grasp that not showing remorse is getting him nowhere, he doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

I feel so sorry for DCs, what kind of a role model is he?!!

@ JaceyBee, minimising and being avoidant pretty much sums it up. He even tried projecting it onto me! I for upset because we had planned to go on holiday next year which we won't be able to afford now and he told me I'M greedy and selfish! He also threatened to leave us if I told anyone!

Tell people and let him leave! Why are you letting him stay in the first place? Clearly isn't sorry and quite likely still taking, it's not that easy to just quit..

I know what I need to do, it's just finding the strength to do it. And with Christmas coming up, I feel awful splitting the family up yet again, even though I know it's his doing not mine.

I hate him for doing this to us. Pretty sure our friends and family would too!

Think about the Christmas you'll have if you don't kick him out. It Will Not Be Good.

Well that's pretty strong evidence he's a massive wanker right there! Who cares about Xmas, just kick him out. He sounds utterly vile.

I've never understood how people get addicted to coke as it doesn't last very long and is so expensive, then it's hard to sleep after, so is fundamentally difficult to take for a long time. what is he doing, taking it at work or what? It's hardly a relaxing thing to do on a night in in front of the TV either, when was he taking it do you think? If you have a problem with it and he's lying to you it's not going to be an easy one to sort out...

Honestly I don't know. I keep trying to make myself try and think back in the hope that I will remember signs but I really can't think of any! He told me he's never done it in our home, but I just don't know what to believe. He was working nights for a while though so could have easily done it then, as he went straight to bed when he got in. It's not even like he goes out a lot with his mates! I just can't talk to him at the moment, feel like I'm getting nowhere as he says there's nothing more to tell me and just gets cross. I'm staying upstairs away from him cos I honestly just want to physically hurt him at the moment!

He just gets cross???!! Good grief, I'd be more than cross if I were you OP. He should be talking to you and telling you everything you want to know about this bombshell. If he shows no remorse, as you say, then I'm afraid it might be better to part again, and this time make it permanent. Otherwise, you may be facing even worse times ahead. The fact it's coming up to Christmas is neither here nor there. I can't see it being a very festive season for you anyway, you poor thing. So sorry.

He gets cross! I don't know why you want to talk to him at all. Kick the junkie out. And tell EVERYONE why.

You are right, Christmas is a bad time to be having fall outs with a drug user in your home around your children. I guess you have two choices:

There is his preferred option: believe everything he tells you, tell no one, don't ask him about it any more, pretend everything is fine.

There is the other option: kick him out tonight, tell everyone, don't ask him about it any more, cut off his access to your family money.

Is it possible that he moved back in primarily to fund his habit?

Is it much cheaper for him to be living with you than on his own?

You know, I'm not even going to get snitty about the cavilling about Christmas stuff. It is kind of a big deal, especially when children are around.

But I am going to offer you a bit of time-travel. All these probs you're having with the drug-abuser in your home (for the moment) - do you really think they're going to get better before then? Is the nose-candy addict who gets "cross" with you when you ask perfectly reasonable questions really going to get good about things before then? Or will things be worse?

Search your feelings, young Skywalker. If you ditch him now, you'll have a chance to normalise your life with your DCs well in advance of Christmas

Have text him this morning telling him he needs to leave as he's shown no remorse just anger, and that I won't be keeping his dirty secret for him after a year of his selfishness and deceit. I added that he's a sick man and needs help.