Do I tell someone her husband is cheating, and if so, when?

[DearOhDearOhDear]

Namechanged, I promise I'm not a troll.

I know a woman - we're between acquaintances and friends. I know her husband better and would've said he was a friend, until all this started. He's been cheating on her for a long while, a couple of years, with various women. I have no proof of any of it, but I'm 100% certain that it's happening, and I am 100% certain that it's not the first time.

I also know that she wouldn't be ok with it. I've been trying to decide whether to tell her for a long time. Her husband and mine are friends, and my telling her will likely result in quite a lot of unpleasantness. But I just keep thinking that I would want to know. I wouldn't care who told me, or what the situation was, I would want to know. I've been thinking this for so long, but something about recent developments, where it's even more blatant than before, has made me feel like it's time someone said something.

My husband is aware of how I feel. He thinks that the right thing to do would be to tell her, but also is wary of the impact it'll have on his circle of friends. We discussed doing it anonymously, but I just feel that that will add an element that's irrelevant - it'll be all about 'who is the mystery person who's saying this' rather than the issue itself. Also, it makes it easier for the husband to deny. I think it's a bit cowardly, as it's a fairly small circle of people who could know about it, so it'll all be a bit of a game of clue, and I don't think that's fair.

So the first question is - should I/someone tell her? I know the standard suggestion is that one tells the cheater that unless they tell her, you will. However, I'm pretty confident he won't believe I'll follow through. I also think there's a good chance he'll lie to me, as I don't see the woman often - we used to see eachother regularly, but over the past few years we haven't - coinciding with the cheating, and the birth of her children. Basically, I don't think this route will work.

Secondly, this woman is pregnant. She and her cheating partner already have one child. She's due with the second in about eight weeks. If I do tell her, do I tell her now, or wait? If I wait, how long?

Final point, which I do think is relevant - finances are not a concern. She is the primary earner, she could afford childcare and to house herself and the children, if needed.

So I was the pregnant woman this time last year.

I found out when dS was 3m old.
There is no good time to find something like this out..... but I did find out after the event I had been given an infection ( you don't normally use condoms with your husband if you're pregnant).
D's was fine but I wish I'd known sooner.

Don't you think she has enough on her plate with one young child and being pregnant? Do you think she will thank you? I doubt it, she probably won't want to believe it's true and you have no proof.

You have no idea what really goes on in her relationship, they might have an open relationship, she might already know and is turning a blind eye to it, or she might already have her suspicions. On the other hand he may be abusive and who knows what unintended consequences your interference might have.

Her partner might be a shit but it's really none of your business.

Shocking oh my god that's horrible.

Given how long this has been going on I guess he's either careful or lucky, but I admit I hadn't really thought about the health thing as much, and the consequences of that can be so awful that it does add to my sense that she's better off knowing.

And hellodave I'm so sorry. I'm glad your DS was ok. Did someone tell you?

Thanks again to everyone, it was actually really helpful to write it all down and having people respond has sort of clarified what I think is the right thing to do. I'm going to wait until after the baby comes, and maybe try to rekindle my friendship with her a bit, so that if/when the time does come to tell her, I can be a support, if she wants it, and it's not as much of a bolt from the blue.

To those who said maybe she knows already - that's ok by me! If the worst that comes of it is an awkward conversation where she explains that they have an arrangement, then I'll be well pleased!

Just thought it was worth noting that all of us who have been the innocent party in these circumstances said we would rather know. None of us has said God I wish they hadn't told me.

As far as your friendship circle goes, I have largely cut off the people who knew and did not tell me, even though in some cases we had been friends for years, because I could not bear to think back over all the times we have been out together in a group and they all knew and I didn't. Some of them even knew that he was sneaking women into our house and our bed when I was away and STILL didn't tell me. The friendships have never recovered from that. Decent people don't make themselves complicit in that way.

Yeah, 3mum, I've never met anyone who said they'd rather not know. When it was me, I was glad to find out, everyone I know who's been in the same position felt the same. I think the 'maybe she'd rather not know' argument is nonsense, basically.

And yes, I do feel dreadful about being complicit, and hate the thought of her finding out and knowing that people had known and not told her. But I don't want to tell her just to salve my conscience, if you know what I mean? I just want to do what's right. And I think telling her would be right - but maybe not right now.

I would tell her now- she has a right to know and I believe it would be easier for her to deal with now rather than after she has had the baby

Really awful situation, poor woman.

He told me ( before ow did).

Thankfully none of our other friends knew. One of the issues I had when I found out was feeling like a complete mug for nothe realising what was going on..... its made me doubt my judgement about EVERYTHING and really dented my self confidence.

In the future I think I'd always tell the wife/husband if I knew. What they choose to do with it is up to them. However easy to say this before the event....... possiby breaking a pregnant womana heart is a horrid horrid prospect.

(Few things are okay. ... After some time apart and counselling we are sorting out our marriage- not the right course for everyone and who knows what the future brings but it's working for now).

'I'm going to wait until after the baby comes.....'

Well good luck with that, because I can guarantee the very first thing she will ask is 'how long have you known?', and once she realises you have kept this from her for the majority of her pregnancy, allowing her to expose her unborn child to possible STIs, well, your guess is as good as mine as to how well that will go.

worserevived I understand, but honestly - I've known, without being certain, for over two and a half years. I've known for sure for more than a year. I don't expect to come out of this looking like the 'good person' and I'm not thinking of doing it to win congratulations from the wife.

Given how long it's been and how far along she is, her unborn child has already been exposed, if he's going to be. If that's the case, and it causes damage I will never ever be the same again. But there isn't a lot I can do about that now.

No, no -- the baby may not be exposed in the womb, but will be exposed when it comes through the birth canal, if she gives birth naturally. That's why it's so important to be tested now so she can be treated (or, worst case, plan for a section).

I really think you have to tell her now, if you're going to tell her. I don't mean to be harsh but I think given the health implications you would be really wrong not to tell her.

I mean, read this fact sheet on STI in pregnancy and then see if you aren't motivated to tell her:

www.cdc.gov/std/pregnancy/stdfact-pregnancy.htm

Some STIs can cause preterm labour. Treatment can be the difference between a completely healthy baby and a baby with lifelong health problems, or even a life-threatening situation.

Why not send the fact sheet to the 'd'H and put it on his conscience. He will know if she is at risk or not.

"I think given the situation with her pregnancy and soon newborn child, you shouldn't tell her. Let her enjoy her pregnancy and her newborn. It is such an amazingly special time and she will never get it back."

She will never, ever be able to look back on it as "an amazingly special time" if she discovers that she and her children were betrayed throughout that period, and that she was the last to know.

If he has cheated throughout the pg (ie after routine bloods) she will need further STI checks, ideally several weeks before expected labour so she can be treated and not put the baby at risk during delivery.

bit because some of those diseases don't have any symptoms for a long time but are still transmittable, he could easily give it to her without knowing

I didn't tell a close friend.
I regret it now.
They split up later anyway but it was really messy. I sometimes wonder what was I thinking not to tell her.
She had suspicions anyway but brushed them aside... to her detriment.

I would tell her. I was in a similar situation 13 years ago, no-one told me I found out on my own, but I mention it just because I felt it was easier to kick him out when so much is changing anyway, with the arrival of a new baby, than it would be if we had settled in the new routine together. Also, eventually she will find out anyway so any nice memories of the early weeks together with the baby will be ruined when she realises it was all a lie. She has a right to know, I would want to know in her position.

Amazing... Op has 'known' for well over a year but now, just 8 weeks before the possibly wronged woman is due to give birth, Op was planning on telling her that her hubby is having an affair.

You think.

There's no proof, but you are pretty sure.

Hmm. I think I'd keep things to myself.

I would tell her asap. And sensitively suggest a medical checkup. She could have all manners of diseases. Yes it could happen. I see it doing her a favour. You'll get no thanks probably, but I don't think I could watch someone's life be a complete lie. I really thick skinned so I don't get two shits about why they might say to me. You however, might just save someone life.

What not why,bad spell check on mobile device sorry!

Thanks for the information about STIs and childbirth. I feel guilty for not knowing already, but I suppose it's not something I've had cause to consider in detail before. And the suggestion of sending it to him was a really good one - I'm partly worried that his wife will see it as I don't know how much they share accounts, but maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing.

Still wavering on the when/how of it all. I guess because it's not a one-off type thing - it's a marriage ruining level of cheating, and it just feels like such a massive thing to do - and if I'm honest quite scary, the idea of changing someone's life so massively.

I think you should tell her. I know everyone is saying wait until after the baby but I think it will be worse coping with that news with a newborn. I think telling her before the birth is better because once the baby is here it will help take her mind off the situation and give her a new focus.

There is no good time to reveal this news. The sooner the better though so that this creep can be stopped in his tracks.

I think you're doing her a massive favour though. Everyone on here always says they wished those who knew had told them.

In this particular scenario I would tell her. Tomorrow.

You have waited far too long as it is.

I don't understand how you can be so sure but at the same time have no proof?

You're all right. I'm being a wimp and I need to not be a wimp. I would want to know. Anyone would.