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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to as you for a virtual slap?

45 replies

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:23

I am sat here crying and feeling like shit because of my Ex….again.

We are 'friends', 'friends' in that he rings me to do stuff/hang out etc…until he finds someone better to hang out with and I get ditched. This has happened a few times since we split a couple of years ago, and every time I end up feeling shit.

He now has a new friend. Lets call her A. Him and A have been hanging out 3+ times a week for the past couple of weeks. Prior to that we were hanging out more than this as I was helping him through a rough patch. Now that A is on the scene I have been ditched again.

We had plans for tonight, but he has blown it off to spend time with her.

I know feel shitty. Again. Crying. Again.

How do I stop this? How do I stop what he does effecting how I feel?

Please give me a virtual shake Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:24

*now, not know

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 19:24

I don't think you need a shake. I do think that you need to stop fooling yourself that he is your friend though.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:28

I tell myself every time 'what will it take for you to realise he doesn't give a shit about you?' Apparently a lot! It pushes me to near breaking point every time, yet I allow it to happen again and again.

I am fucking pathetic.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 21/11/2014 19:30

Why do you feel that you need him. What does he make you feel about yourself that you can't seem to let go? He is an ex, you are expecting too much from him. Don't allow him or rather allow yourself to keep going through this.

fluffyraggies · 21/11/2014 19:31

No, you're not pathetic you're stuck in a pattern of behavior which is no good for you is all.

Have you kids with X?

It sounds like any amount of contact with him is going to literally end in tears for you right now. Do you still love him?

fluffyraggies · 21/11/2014 19:32

Maybe you should post this is Relationships too OP. Some wise souls there :)

Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 19:34

as opposed to here where they're all a bunch of twats Grin Grin

You are NOT pathetic. It isn't pathetic to want someone to be a decent human being or to reach out for friendship.

It's just that your mistake is you are reaching out to the wrong person. He isn't your friend. He is using you.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:34

How do I get it moved? Do I report it?

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 19:36

yes. Just ask them to shift it and they'll move it for you.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:37

I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid.

We have a child together. We got together when I was 18, so he's been in my life for a while.

The stupid part is and I am ashamed to even admit that I attempt a friendship after this, is that he was emotionally and physically abusive when we were together.

I cannot understand why I keep trying to maintain a friendship. I get jealous of the other people he spends time with even though he still treats me like shit. It really is pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:39

He is the only person who has ever made me feel like this, so completely worthless.

I don't think I love him. I tell myself I can't because what we had wasn't love Sad

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 19:42

I really think you might benefit from some counselling to get to the bottom of why you feel so dependent on him and why you still want a sort of relationship with him.

You have to be kinder to yourself. You are being so hard on yourself.

Do you want to be treated like shit? Do you enjoy it? Does it make you happy?

I am assuming not, clearly you don't want him in your life in order to continue treating you like crap, so what you need to figure out is what it is you ARE seeking. You need to understand yourself.

Marylou2 · 21/11/2014 19:47

The last thing you need is a slap, virtual or otherwise.You need a hug (()) and someone to tell you that you are clearly worth more than this. Take good care of yourself.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:49

Thanks Vital I have tried counselling, but cannot get to grips with it as my mother is a counsellor and she was also abusive. I can't help but think that all counsellors are like her. I realise that sounds stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 19:49

Thank you Mary

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 19:59

You need to stop saying you are stupid. Puds, I have 'known' you on here for ages (I've nc, I used to be hecate, we have popped up on the same threads quite often and I remember your name) and you are far from stupid. You are kind, intelligent and emotionally sensitive and I want you to stop putting yourself down.

Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 20:00

sensitive to the needs of others, to clarify.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 20:08

Hi, I had no idea it was you Smile

Thank you for your kind words. 'Stupid' is one of the things he called me for years and its kind of stuck in my head now. No matter what I achieve I still seem to think I'm stupid Sad

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 20:43

you are far from stupid. I wish you could believe that. I want you to see yourself for the good person you are. Thanks

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 20:49

Thank you Thanks

I jus wish I could snap out of it and stop feeling so hopeless.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 20:56

That's yet another way you are being too hard on yourself. if you have been put down for years and years, how are you supposed to just shake it off? you wouldnt expect that of anyone else so dont expect it from yourself.

i just know there is a counsellor out there somewhere you would really click with and who would deliver the right service to you. please dont be put off because that one wasnt right for you.

I sacked off half a dozen before i found someone i knew i could work with!

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 21:26

I think I may get back in touch with doctors about it. I can't go on like this, its getting increasingly difficult to remind myself why I should be alive.

Thank you for taking the time to chat to me.

OP posts:
Comito · 21/11/2014 21:36

Puds You're not worthless, hopeless or stupid and don't for one minute believe you are. You've had a bad experience and it's got you down.

Some men like to try and hang onto an ex they call a 'friend'. Except they push the boundaries of what a friend is to suit their own ends. It's hard to break away from but you can do it and you're worth more than that. He's the worthless one because he needs to make someone else feel lower than him in order to feel good about himself.

Definitely try counselling and more importantly, know you're worth more.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/11/2014 21:42

You are right Comito He obviously enjoys watching me react to things and I think he takes it as a compliment to himself that I get so worked up. I'm fuelling the fire FGS! What I can't understand is how I know all this but continue to make an ass of myself!

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/11/2014 21:48

Oh puds Thanks please please do go back to gp.
As well as all the lovely people on here that i know can help you and be here for you, you can pm me any time if you want to . I am no expert but i will always be a listening ear x