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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dp is a big fat liar!

44 replies

whatamesss · 06/10/2006 21:58

I've changed my name for this, as dp knows my mn name and I don't want him to read it, please don't out me.

After having got over the shock of finding out that dp has been hitting my kids behind my back I got another huge revelation today.

I spent this morning with dp's family. We are a mixed race couple and they only became involved with our twins around the time of their first birthday. (guessed who I am yet!)

Dp always told me that his fmaily didn't accept us, didn't want to meet me. Well apparently that is all a crock of shit. Some of his family have been asking to see me from when we first starting seeing each other. The reason he lied to me, is because he hadn't told them that I had kids from prev marriage. I can understand that for at first, but apparently it remained a secret until I invited his bro over to our house jsut before the twins turned 1, and he told his bro outside our house before he came in. All along he was telling them that I didn't want to meet them.

So the reason why his family missed out on the first year of the twins life, and the twins missed out of their extended family is down to his inability to tellt he truth!

I feel so angry with him. He jsut isn't the person I thought he was. He never liked me talking to his family much, now it's bloody obvious why!I can't even confront him abt it, because I am not supposed to know. If I tell him I know, that will cause problems for them, and he is living there atm, so I can't really do taht to them.

It jsut leaves me wondering what else he has/is lying about. I can't trust him any more. I want to throttle him. I'm really sad that he could do taht to the twins. I feel like ending the relationship altogether but I can't really. I can't afford to, and I can't cope with 4 kids on my own. I can see us jsut co-habiting for pratical reasons, but with no love left. How the hell did I get in such a mess. I feel stupid for ever trusting him.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 06/10/2006 22:02

Oh WAM. I have nothing constructive to say right now, except that you are not stupid. He sounds rather stupid, and immature. I'm sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else.

Flamebat · 06/10/2006 22:04

Oh no

I wish I could say something useful... I have been watching from afar, but had sod all useful to say before and it seemed pointless to just come on and say nothing (which I guess I am doing now)

My head is screaming at me that you need to start working NOW at a way to secure yourselves, so that you CAN start without him in the future. Yes, it will be bloody hard, but a loveless household will be harder imo

soapbox · 06/10/2006 22:08

But why would he say that - what difference would it make to them?

I know who you are, and I am worried that this is just another part of the jigsaw of a DP who you don't really know.

Please think very carefully before this guy comes back into all your lives - I don;t think he is trustworthy and is not good for your older children and probably not for the DTs either!

MarsLady · 06/10/2006 22:09

Hi honey. I'm sorry. This couldn't come at a worse time.

If your relationship is going to survive then it's going to take a lot of work. The question is... do you want it to work?

I think that with all the nonsense that's been going on in your lives this is the time to talk and talk and talk. Get it ALL out there.

nellie245 · 06/10/2006 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rickman · 06/10/2006 22:20

Message withdrawn

Original poster
whatamesss · 06/10/2006 22:21

our relationship is already on hold, from the whole ss thing in any case. He wont be moving back in any time soon. We were starting to look forward though, get through this, then this came out. He is so bloody stupid. He had so many oppurtunities to come clean and didn't, and I am worried what else he may be hiding.
it even stupid little things. I told him to go out after work yest, there was a do on. He told his family taht I was pissed off abt the idea and didn't want him to go. Then he went anyway and didn't even tell me, and initially denied it when I asked him. i jsut dont know what is going on in his head.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 06/10/2006 22:25

Difficult to describe exactly what I mean, but his behaviour sounds a little compulsive almost. Almost a kind of completely-out-of-control-and-proportion attempt to avoid any kind of conflict (whether any conflict really threatens or not).

When I was much younger, I used to be a very little like this. Would say what I thought people wanted to hear, dug myself into little holes.

I don't know whether that helps WAM, but I think the only thing to do really is to sit down and thrash these things out. And to plan for a future on your own initially. You have been very strong and I'm sorry you're facing still more struggles.

Original poster
whatamesss · 06/10/2006 22:28

mm, compulsive need to be in control of situations maybe. I think he needs therapy. His aunt thinks he has a screw loose, I don't understand him.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 06/10/2006 22:29

I agree, this kind of behaviour (not to mention the other ) does suggest that therapy would be beneficial.

BATtymumma · 06/10/2006 22:35

if you are who i think you are then i thihk you need to ste back and look at all the things that have happened recently.

put them all together and ask yourself if this is really a man you want in your life at all.

To be honest i thihk i would have serious reservations about any man being involved with my children who hit them, but to then find out that he wouldn't even acknowledge themt o his family would make me furious.

whether he gets therapy or not is a seperate issue to that of whether he returns to your family.

FatThighs · 06/10/2006 23:54

It sounds very messy and I don't know what to say to help but I hope you manage to find a way.

Lying is bad in a long term relationship, esp about things this big.

Hitting your children behind your back - I would find this very hard to come to terms with.

Original poster
whatamesss · 07/10/2006 08:09

I don't want another failed relationship behind me, don't want to do this to the kids, esp the twins.

I think financially I could scrape by except for the fact that he owns the cars. If I don't have a car I am buggered, I can't get ds to school, can't go out anywhere, and can't take them to all the hospital appointments they need etc. I can't afford to buy/run a car on my own. We live somwhere where public transport is limited and with four kids it is impossible.

I probably could manage the kids on my own if I had to. I would be very lonely though. We mvoed here to be togehter and my family are 200 miles away, and I have no friends here really.

I don't want to try and struggle through and then it all fall apart again in the near future neither, it seems inevitable now and that would be even harder on the kids. But I feel scared of the thought of ending it now.

He is supposed to be coming over today, to spend some time with dd and ds, workign on rebuilding bridges with them. I really don't want to see him. I saw him for an hour yest, and he knew somethign was up but not what. Today I feel even angrier than I did yesterday for some reason.

OP posts:
Megglevampire · 07/10/2006 08:47

WAM I 'm so sorry to hear this, hardly what you need at the moment.

I'm very intrigued by his behaviour and I see a definite comparison with most of dh's extended family. I'm probably going to get into a hell of alot of trouble for saying this but will anyway.

I think the way your dh is out of habit. The whole lying/double dealing/covering his tracks is to save face with his family so as not to cause waves and or shame upon them. I'm thinking if it's anything like I've been exposed to that this learnt behaviour is compulsive and he's probably be doing it for years. it's a survival mechanism pure and simple.

My dh's family have all been conditioned in this way and there are so many lies,filth and deceit it would keep a soap opera writer busy for years.

I just wanted you to know that I understand how you are feeling, it's exasperating isn't it?

I also wanted to add thatyou really do sound very strong, I have much admiration for you.

Original poster
whatamesss · 07/10/2006 11:37

I am getting the impression that dp's family are trying to split us up. I've spoken to his aunt this mroning and she is still saying don't tell him I know. Apparently his gran was glad when rish couldn't stay here overnight because of ss. She was going on and on yesterday about how it will all hapeen again in 5 years time and how rishi jsut wants to be an englishman. They msut have known the effect that telling me this was going to have. they are broke, dont have ne jobs, and rish does. I think they want him to get back with them, and help out financially. They are saying that he has changed a lot over the past few years and I think they probably blame me partly for that. I can see how dp is in a mess, because it seems liek they are screwign with both our heads.
I don't want to fall out with them, but part of me is thinking I should get dp over here and get it out in the open.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 07/10/2006 11:46

You do indeed need to get it out in the open WAM. Stewing over this and keeping it covered up is perpetuating the whole situation and won't do anyone long-term good.

Original poster
whatamesss · 07/10/2006 11:49

the consequences arent going to be fun! I think I will tell him and then keep my head down for a bit. I can avoid them if I have to for a while.

OP posts:
BATtymumma · 07/10/2006 11:52

you should tell him what you have been told and get an answer.

you are currently just going over and over what has happened in your head and your trying to give your own answer to questions you should be askign him.

it doesn't matter if it upsets his family, its not them that will be dealign with the fallout of what happens between you.
If im honest im still a little scepticle about everything thats happened but you stil need to talk.

youngmum21 · 07/10/2006 12:26

is your partners family religious?

Kidstrack · 07/10/2006 12:42

Hi i have followed your story, i feel for you at the moment with everything you have gone through, WAM you need to confront him about the lies, he cannot get away with feeding you lies and also his family(not telling them about your kids), you have had enough to deal with and you don't need any further lies, thats why i think you should confront him now before he digs a deeper hole for himself. Sod his family finding out its your family you should be concerend about, he is an adult who should know better than to tell lies, it gets us nowhere in life

Original poster
whatamesss · 07/10/2006 12:43

yes, hindu.

OP posts:
youngmum21 · 07/10/2006 12:53

I am in a mixed race relationship and cant fully understand your situation but my dp didnt even tell his parents about us for about a year and half in our relationship and even then it was only because i decided to call it off as i was sick of his attitude about it and i didnt want to be a secret any longer we were in love and i didnt understand y we cudnt be togeter your prob wondering where im going with this so ill get to the point now, if i was you i wud tell him wot you know and tell him straight that you know wot hes done and demand an explination and that if he doesnt stop lying then thats it and then tell him you need some space it worked for me it cud work for you

youngmum21 · 07/10/2006 12:54

sorry for long post

LaDiDaDi · 07/10/2006 13:56

I do recognise who you are and have seen your other thread. I think that you must tell your dp what you know and ask if there is anything, anything at all no matter how tiny it may seem, that he has lied to you about or is hiding. Give him an opportunity to tell you anything that he might need to. Then tell him that if you find out he has not told you something or if he lies to you/about your family again then the relationship is over. This is as well as doing whatever work he needs to with regards to his relationship with your children. Good luck.

divastrop · 07/10/2006 14:36

i have been following ur story also.i havent got much to add except the point of view of somebody whos been in two abusive relationships and has been a single mum of 3 and then 4 children.
i stayed with my xh who was a compulsive liar and was being emotionally abusive to my 2 older children(and threatened them physically on a couple of occasions)because i didnt want the shame of another failed relationship.i stayed untill i could take no more and was being threatened with ss.
it is always easier to cope on ur own than u imagine it will be,i was always scared of being alone with the kids till i realsied how much easier it was without the stress of a failing relationship.
i know single wothers who manage to run a car,and although i may get strung up by the anti-spongers brigade for saying this,there are disability benefits etc where u can get help with a car etc.
i think ur best off confronting ur dp about the lies and see what he says.
u will get through this,whatever u decide to do in the end.

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