my dp is a big fat liar!

[whatamesss]

I've changed my name for this, as dp knows my mn name and I don't want him to read it, please don't out me.

After having got over the shock of finding out that dp has been hitting my kids behind my back I got another huge revelation today.

I spent this morning with dp's family. We are a mixed race couple and they only became involved with our twins around the time of their first birthday. (guessed who I am yet!)

Dp always told me that his fmaily didn't accept us, didn't want to meet me. Well apparently that is all a crock of shit. Some of his family have been asking to see me from when we first starting seeing each other. The reason he lied to me, is because he hadn't told them that I had kids from prev marriage. I can understand that for at first, but apparently it remained a secret until I invited his bro over to our house jsut before the twins turned 1, and he told his bro outside our house before he came in. All along he was telling them that I didn't want to meet them.

So the reason why his family missed out on the first year of the twins life, and the twins missed out of their extended family is down to his inability to tellt he truth!

I feel so angry with him. He jsut isn't the person I thought he was. He never liked me talking to his family much, now it's bloody obvious why!I can't even confront him abt it, because I am not supposed to know. If I tell him I know, that will cause problems for them, and he is living there atm, so I can't really do taht to them.

It jsut leaves me wondering what else he has/is lying about. I can't trust him any more. I want to throttle him. I'm really sad that he could do taht to the twins. I feel like ending the relationship altogether but I can't really. I can't afford to, and I can't cope with 4 kids on my own. I can see us jsut co-habiting for pratical reasons, but with no love left. How the hell did I get in such a mess. I feel stupid for ever trusting him.

WAM, I completely forgot to add that I have been practically raised with an asian family (my best friends/my surrogates I called them) and I married into an asian family so I feel I have quite an insight. I do not say this lightly but there is such perplexity and guilt associated with so many aspects of a mixed union that in all of the cases I know about(mine included) it has brought nothing but grief, heartache, deceit- it's so difficult to describe unless you've lived it.

I really do understand what you are going through and must admit to worrying about you when you mentioned on another thread about your dp's extended family getting involved-instinctively I didn't think they were to be trusted.

How have things been today?

Hello.
I've been talking things through with dp, for about 5 hours now. I expected him to be angry but he took it all calmly that I knew. I'm feeling rather shell shocked really. I'd been though the intial bit that youngmum talked abotu and thought it would be easier from now on, but this has made me realise that this is only the beginnign really.
megglevampire you are so right. I couldn't explain this to anyone, it isn't somethign you can easily put into words. It would make a good soap opera except the viewers would lose track of the plot! It's good to hear from someone who has been there tho, thanks. apparently aunt is dead against me. She is single never married and seems desp to cling on to her nephews. She even suggested that dp took the dts and they would all leg it to India.
All these secrets have made everythign so confusing. Part of me thinks I shoudl just get the hell out of it all. The kids are desperate to see him abck though. Despite the fact that he has been mean to them, they love him to bits and don't want to lsoe him. i still love him despite everything and blame his family and culture a lot for what has happened. I don't know if we will be able to get through it, I don't even know for sure if I do want to try. Just takes time I suppose.

Oh Sweetheart, I really know what you mean. It's another world isn't it?

Re the taking the kids away from you- I don't want to scare you in any way but that's my ultimate nightmare and I am very weird about ds's passport dh's mother is completely bonkers and has threatened to use her money and influence to take my child off me on many an ocassion.
You must be so ridiculously torn right now.

If you'd like to contact me direct please feel free to CAT me and discuss this off the board.

Do you have a good support system? Even if it's freinds and family on the phone that could be a godsend for you. You always have here too of course- there are so many insightful, wise woman here that have really helped to shape my decisions regarding huge life events.

Oh sweetheart. Just saw this. I'm so sad for you, you are having such a difficult time it. All I can say is that I would be 100% honest with him. You don't know his family well enough to know if they are telling you the truth. Be honest with him and state YOUR position clearly.

You love him.
You are disappointed life has taken all these turns.
You want to work through all of it.
You don't know if you can trust him.
You need him to be honest with you, NO MATTER WHAT.

You have faced so many hard things and you have come through them. If you and he are not heading down the same path then there is only heartache to be found in trying to drag him your way. But if he wants you and all of your children he must now stand and fight to win you all back and show you where his love is.

You are such a strong person and you can help him with this but he must want it.

Can I help with anything? The offer of bunging some cash in the post still stands.....

Sleep lots, the days will take it out of you xxx.

Its the Oh sweetheart Brigade

its a good sign that he was calm when u talked to him.it does sound like he genuinely wants to sort all this out but obviously has alot of issues with his family etc.
fwiw,ur dp doesnt sound like a compulsive liar to me,just somebody who is scared and trying to do the best by everyone(and probably managing to p**s everybody off in the process).
good luck

thanks fg, but I really couldn't take money. An ear to listen on here is mroe than enough. I don't have anyone else I can talk to in rl. I don't want to tell my parents about this. It wouldn't help anyway. They don't understand Indian culture and would jsut feel angry.

I told dp not to tell his family that I told him and he hasn't. I don't want to carry on the lies, but it seems that it is part and parcel of being in a mixed relationship of this nature. It's ironic that a couple of times I have even said to her that it seems that she doesn't want us to be together, when she says all these things about him as a person and what he has done. I am worried about what she will try next. I've hidden the boys passports away. They've gone to look at a house today. She can't afford the mortgage on where she lives so is looking for something cheaper. It's a 4 bed so they are thinking a room each for boys, and dp - who would pay the mortgage! She is tolerating me so she has contact with the boys while at the same time desperate to get them and dp away from me.

I've been tugging at threads, trying to unravel the deceit. It really seems that everything has gone wrong and escalated from this one lie. It isn't even true that they didn't meet the boys until they were 1. dp met up with them a few times behind my back, knowing full well I didn't want that because I thought they didn't want to meet me. That will be his aunts next thing to tell me, chipping away at our relationship. They sent over expensive presents and gifts for the boys that I never saw/knew about, because I wasn't going to accept gifts from people who 'hated' me.

I also think that if they had been involved earlier on, we would have maybe had the support. No matter what they think of me they dote on the boys and we wouldn't have been struggling with four kids on our own and got so stressed. Plus he had the stress of the deceit. We might never have gotten into the whole thing with ss. All from one lie.

I don't trust them, or dp. I really hate the thought of him being there now. If we are ever gonna get through this, it would be far easier to do it without them playing games. I feel a bit pissed off that he has gone with them to see this house knowing full well what their plans are. I can't exactly insist on breaking off all contact with them though, it wouldn't be fair on the boys, but part of me is thinking that I would be jsutified in doing that and that it would be the only realistic way we could even try to salvage our relationship. At the moment we are jsut back to where we were two years ago, me resenting him playing happy families with them when they hate me. I really should jsut give up.

oh and no mroe name changes needed, now he knows.

Ok im not meaning to worry you but i take the threat of him snatching the children very seriously.

if they dont already have passports get them!
then send them to someone you trust. that way he canot apply for them behind your back, or steal them.

it sounds as if you are getting closer and closer to a desicion of leaving him.
if thats the case he may well turn nasty. if he moves back in with family he will have their influance as well which will distort things to him as well, you need to make sure that you and the children are safe at all times.

As for the kids loving him, of course they do..he's their father/step father.
I have dealt with children who have faced horrific abuse from their parents and yet they still cry for them when they are removed from the family home.
a childs love for a parent is the same as a parents love for their child, its unconditional.

which is why you have to make the decisions for them based on what you know and taking into account their long term happiness.
how would your two older children feel if they found out that your partners family didn't even know they existed? im pretty sure theywould be devestated.

Kelly, I really think it's time your Dp made some serious decisions you are being treated like utter shit (sorry). I don't think he can play pretendy happy families with both sides anymore he's tried that and used lies and deception to achieve it and look where it's got him.

I know it's hard, believe me, I've had my own very trusted family and friends screeching at me to ditch my dh for not standing up for me and us which he should of course do when it comes to his parents. he has a very strange relationship with them based on guilt fear and loathing. i acknowledge that he has come one hell of a long way and know it must have been very hard for him to be walking up the aisle with me in a foreign country when his mother was synchronising her watch and telling him that she would take her own life at that very time- did she? Did she hell?

Of course his relatives want your boys and your dp if they are anything like how I believe them to be from your previous posts, then they own the boys and you are nothing, merely a baby maker and now a serious threat to the aunt you hinder any financial gain she would acquire from your dp. In her mind it is his duty to look after her and she in turn will look after the boys. Does that make sense?

I am really very concerned for you. If you want to make it work with dp I think he's going to really have to pull his finger out and impress you big time with a huge commitment and by severing ties with his family or being a united unit with you.

Bloody hell, it's like history repeating itself. (thinking about my past that is).

if the offer to discuss off board is still there, can u emaiil or msn me, [email protected]. I don't want to post too many details about them, it's one thing to post about my life but a bit unfair to do it about others. But I would love to chat with you, since you have been there.

Kelly, take good care, I'm worried for you. Hang tight onto your lovely children and talk anytime xx.

I've been reading all of your topics for a while now and while I do feel incredibly sorry for you I also have to express my amazment that you are still having anything to do with this man. I also have to express my amazement that no one else has said this. This is the third major problem you have encountered with this man-and these are just two you have posted about. There were two other instances with this man where a) one of your children make a complaint of abuse against him b) he has now been found to have phsyically hurt your children. I'm sorry if you think this is blunt but I cannot understand why you are having anything to do with someone who is a threat to you but even worse your children. I know it may be hard for you to raise them on your own but wouldn't it be better than looking back in 10 years time when your children have major emotional problems from him being in their lives than regretting the fact that you allowed him to do these things to them? Sorry-I just had to say this. I think that you are risking losing your children-this is the second time ss have been involved with them and you will be seen as negligent or having allowed your children to be mistreated if anything else happens with this man.

kelly - haven't read all the thread yet - but sounds like he has an awful lot of growing up to do - and quickly - before you lose all patience with him.

You must be reeling with all this happening.

Hope you can step back from it all a bit and get some rest, and enjoy being with your kids.

I really hope things work out the way you want them.

fronnie, there was nothing going on last time, they didn't even do a risk assessment. The twins were tiny then. the problems between him and the kids started later on when the twins became more demanding.

It is easy for people to say walk away, but I don't want to break up our family and take the kids dad/step dad away if there is another option. dp is determined to change, and I think a lot of the issues are down to his family and the cultural problems. We are takign things very slowly, I am not going to put my children at any risk, and it will be a long time before I will even consider him moving in. At the moment he is only seeing htem for a few hours each week, seeing if the relationship between him and them is salvagable.

Message withdrawn

Oh Kelly - really sorry to hear all this, you must find it hard to know whether you are coming or going half the time.

It certainly partly explains why he had dificulty bonding with your older kids, doesn't it? I know something of the degree and complaxity of family pressure in mixed relationships...he would have known his aunt would disapprove of you on principle, and it sounds as if he has had a lot of fmaily pressure piled on him, one way and another. But the way to deal with that was certainly not to lie to both sides and run backwards between you trying to please both and avoid the problem.

He has to make his loyalty and commitment very fimly with you - it's not as if you have shown anything other than a wish to get to know them and be part of his family to his relatives.

He sounds very weak and immature - but that doesn't mean he can't grow up.

I don't think it will help him do that if you accommodate his patheticnesses, though! You sound as clear and strong as ever - but not surprised you want to throttle him.

thanks blu. it's jsut so very complicated. I cna really understand why he did lie. His aunt apparently can't accept me, and has been saying all sorts behind my back. It has all come out over the weekend. Sooner or later we are going to speak to her together and get it out in the open I think. Whiel there are secrets going on I jsut can't trust him, or any of them for that matter. i have made taht clear to him.

meggle, dp's aunt came round yesterday to drop boys. Barely said two words to me then told dp that I blanked her It so bloody obvious now the sort of things she been up to, jsut feel like slapping myself for not seeing it sooner. I just so wanted to belive that we could all be a happy family.