Mother-in-law

[LiamsMum]

Does anyone else have a mother-in-law like mine?? We hardly ever see her even though she lives 10 minutes' away - she hardly ever phones or comes to our house, and basically expects us to visit her if we wish to see her. We have a 20 month old son and my husband has 2 teenagers from his first marriage, but she has NEVER asked to see the children or take them out for the day, or spend time with them - things that most grandmothers do. At family gatherings, she totally ignores the children. My brother-in-law told me that she will only ever look after his children under duress, and she makes it known that she doesn't intend to make a habit of 'babysitting'. As a result, we don't ask her to babysit at all, because my parents are willing to do it. Anyway out of the blue, after the Easter weekend, my MIL's husband (her 2nd husband - not related to the family) came over to my house to "drop off some Easter eggs" for my toddler and he chastised me because my MIL had expected us to visit them over Easter (???). We didn't even know that she had bought easter eggs for my son, due to the fact that we speak quite rarely. I was blown away by this and I happen to know that she was sitting at home while her husband brought the easter eggs over - so in reality, she could have come over to give her grandson the easter eggs herself, and she could have seen him at the same time. But no, she ALWAYS sends her husband over to our house to drop off our birthday presents etc, because she can't be bothered coming herself (sometimes they get left at the front door). This might sound petty but it just makes me wonder why she bothers... she even gets her husband to phone us, instead of doing it herself. Every year on her birthday and mother's day, we phone her and take a present over to her house and stay for a visit, but last year she didn't even phone my husband on his birthday and he was very hurt for days afterwards. I'm now confused about what she wants - we never hear from her, but it's obvious that she expects us to visit her at certain times because she sends her husband over here to tell us. I'm tired of this tedious relationship and last night my husband and I had a fight over his mother. He knows what she's like but he doesn't want to discuss it, and I (stupidly) vented my frustrations about her again. I think it hurts him to even think about her.

Liamsmum I may be completely off the mark here but do you think there is any chance at all she is just overly making a point of not being seen to interfere?
The classic awful mil is one who sticks her nose into your business and is always popping round. Maybe she is just making sure she is not doing this, only she is overdoing it a bit?
I can imagine some people might be annoyed if their mil turned up at the door uninvited, with easter eggs so perhaps she is overly sensitive to your privacy. I have a lovely mil but I don't think she has ever popped round to my house to see her grandkids, but I do take them round to her house at least once a week. She is very respectful of our privacy.
You managed to make it seem a negative thing that she sent her husband round with eggs - surely that was a kind thing? As for dropping off presents and not calling in person - this sounds ideal to many of us! I would just be grateful for the presents.
You say " it's obvious that she expects us to visit her at certain times because she sends her husband over here to tell us." Is this not her way of showing she IS interested in your children? But that she does not want to interfere and wants the ball to be in your court re visiting? This is no bad thing!
Also, remember, your son is still quite young and a lot of people are not completely comfortable with small children, family members or otherwise. She may find it easier as he gets older.
Of course I have never met the woman, but I say all this just as an alternative way of looking at the situation , and perhaps I am completely off the mark.
Even if she really is a batty old so and so I hope you can all get along!
Best of luck.

Jasper I don't mind you giving me another perspective on this... that's why I posted the message. Sometimes I think she's going overboard in 'respecting our privacy', so much so that we get the impression she doesn't want to see us. I just wish I knew how she felt! She also seems to want us to read her mind... I wish she would occasionally pick up the phone and ask us to come round, if that's what she wants. She seems to think that we should automatically know what she wants. My husband has never been close to his mother as she left when he was only 5, and then he was sent to boarding school. So I guess his negativity towards her has affected me somewhat. I just feel very strongly that she wants things her way. I know we should be grateful that we do get presents from her, but is it really that hard for her to give them to us herself? I wonder how she would feel if we left our presents at her front door... not very personal is it??!! Anyway thank you for your comments Jasper, it does give me another perspective to think about.

Why not ask her husband why she doesn't come? You could ask your DH to talk to her, but in my experience DH's don't ask the right questions and never get the right answers!

I have similar problems both with 'am I the only one with a miserable mother' thread and also with MIL! You are not alone. My DH was 7 a couple of weeks ago, my inlaws have never even bought him an ice-cream! R

Liamsmum I can see how this must be frustrating for you, and lets face it SHE is missing out on all the good granny stuff.
It is very fashionable nowadays to talk about some people finding it hard to show their feelings and maybe she is one of these people, but on the other hand I am a great believer some people are just "cold fish" and don't really have many feelings and maybe she is one of those.

Under what circumstances did she leave your husband when he was five?

On a purely practical level, why not invite her round for lunch sometime soon, maybe when it is just her, you and your son so it is not seen as a formal, the whole family thing. (hope this does not fill you with horror!)

Sounds like she is lucky to have you as a dil. many would have written her off long ago!

Sobernow, poor you, I think you are justified in your feelings and you have enough to do looking after your children. I had an Uncle come to stay when I was a teenager and he had a drink problem -bottles of vodka fm morning till night - my father, his brother, told him to leave as alcoholics are selfish and manipulative and my mother was unable to tolerate this "blob" sitting in her kitchen. May sound hard but after this stay say no more, no more. My FIL and MIL came to stay when I had my DD and decided to extend stay fm 10 days (which was too long) to 3 weeks which was far too long and I keep saying never again to my husband - a long weekend is enough if we want to remain on good terms - FIL is a cronic smoker and moaner and very anti-english and I am english so need I say more. Good luck.

This isn't much help, but I have just read this thread and am now aware how lucky I am with my in laws and parents. I thought they were annoying, but from now on I promise to appreciate their 'normal' annoyingness because it is nothing in comparison to all this!
Best of luck everyone xxx

I am very ashamed. Today, when I saw MILs car turn up I got my mop out and washed the hallway so she couldn't come in and irritate me in the kitchen whilst I cooked lunch - she had to go round the side and stay with the kids and beloved till it dried. Well she doesn't admit defeat, she came round the other side of the house where beloved's office is - attached to the utility room and got in that way! Well, she would have if I hadn't hidden the key! Sorry sorry sorry. NOT. She still managed to bring 2 bars of soap and some weetabix though - why do they do this?

Sobernow, I can relate 100% to your situation. My MIL an alcoholic. Tried everything, threats about not seeing her grandchild not even working....
I could go on for pages about past situations, but let me say, they sound very similar to yours.

Can I make one suggestion? A friend of mine has said that dh and I would make much more sense out of our situation if we went to Al Anon. AA is for the alcoholics themselves, Al Anon, for friends and relatives of the alcoholics. They apparently give you strategies for dealing with these situations, and make you realise that you are not alone.

Have to admit that we have not yet been, as I keep thinking that things will get better... but I know exacly where the sessions are, what night and what time, so I can go when need be!

Good Luck. It's no fun, I know.

my mother in law has always disliked me, it's little things that she does which get me so i can sympathise with your situation. she's excellent with one of my children, but it's as if the other two don't exist. we're always invited round for sunday lunch and i dread it, it's like being on your best behaviour for school or something! she gets at me with snide little comments, and she has suggested in the past that i need medical help as i'm overwrought! this was six months after having my first baby! my baby had been in special care and i had slight post natal depression! i think her philosophy on life is put up and shut up! i heartily sympathise with anyone who has an over bearing mother in law.my husband and i always end up rowing over her, i know the things that she has done to me are in the past but i can't get over her treatment of me. she even took over my first son's christening and treated me like dirt. i could go on forever, because she really does get my blood up! she's like two seperate personalities, excellent with my eldest son on the one hand, ignoring my other two on the other hand.

Shaz30, sorry to hear that - it sounds like a true MIL nightmare. Regarding your post natal depression & stress etc, my MIL also says that women these days whine too much about their circumstances and says that we should just all GET ON WITH IT. I also had post natal depression and was very out of sorts for about six months, but there's no way I would tell her - I know she would just think it was all in my mind. Anyway Jasper, to answer your question - my husband's parents divorced when he was about 5 or 6 - his mother left and moved to Australia, leaving dh's father (who worked long hours) no choice but to put the kids into boarding school because he felt they would be better taken care of. His mother moved back to England a couple of years later but the boys never went back to live with her, because she had remarried and had another baby. My dh told me that she lived about 10 minutes from the boarding school, but she would post his birthday presents to him instead of bringing them herself. Apparently he hardly ever saw her, so I guess she's still pretty much the same.. pretty sad to have a mother like that!

My MIL is one of those who thinks that no one can be as good for her sons as she is...you know, that scowling look to me of 'are you feeding him enough' while saying to dh 'You're looking pale and thin'. And she rang on Sunday morning at 10.30am while dh was playing golf (!!) and said, I quote, 'ooh, did I wake you' - WHAT DOES SHE THINK I DO ALL DAY WITH 11 MONTH OLD DS...LIE IN BED EATING CHOCOLATE!! FIL is better although a loose canon as he too is a borderline alcoholic (both his brother and sister died alcoholics) so we can never rely on him. My father, best left unsaid really as we don't speak at all since he refused to come to ds' christening. That leaves my darling mum; thank God for her!

So, dh and I rely on each other and our brothers and sisters and try and laugh about a completely mad and useless family! If we didn't laugh, I guess we'd cry too much!!

Oh, I need a rant... about my MIL - who else??!!

She'd hit the bottle tonight... slurring as she answered the phone. She becomes such a Jekyll and Hyde character when she's been drinking. Kept telling me "Oh shoot me then" when I suggested that she should have contacted a friend herself, as she'd been moaning that she hadn't heard from this lady. She has always expected everyone to make all the running for her. The she told me I was a "Stupid Bitch".

At that point, I very calmly said "You can call me when you're sober" and put the phone down. Chances are she won't remember. Been in tears most of the evening. Worst of all, I put up with this purely out of a sense of duty. There's no love or respect for her.

Dh, of course, away tonight, so on my own weeping into rather large glasses of wine. (Ironic, or what?)

Time to take my own advice and hook up with Al Anon... and keep repeating "It's not my fault she's like this... It's not my fault..."

Sorry this is a bit "blurby", but I do feel a bit better now...

Sobernow, glad to hear you made your point understood - just caught up since sunday (where does the week go). The thing that strikes me from the messages re alcoholics is how they back down and start to pity themselves once someone stands up to them. My friend from school is an alcoholic and used to get so aggressive on a drink, mad eyes, threatening voice, expletive deletives, you know the routine, but when I used to say "NO! hang on and yourself" she'd whinge and whimper and say sorry and the next day she couldn't remember anyway. It's very sad but they need to want to help themselves first before anyone can help them. As for in-laws, well, I don't get to see mine often at they live in Scotland (hooray) but when I do see them it's out of duty rather than choice - I have often said I would move anywhere in the world with my DH if it was for the good of our future except Scotland and this is purely because of the in-laws nothing else. To constantly have your dd achievements compared to her cousin (2.5 yrs older) wears thin, in fact bloody infuriates me and to have your FIL call your dd a whinging git when she was 8 months old should not have to be accepted but I do to keep peace and harmony and if you knew me you would know it is so hard to keep my mouth shut - I need to get a mouth like Zippy from Rainbow.

Someone once said to me something which I think is quite true.

You have two families during your life - the one you are born into and the one you make for yourself.

The first one you cannot choose, the second one you can.

This is quite true, but they don't mention the family you inherit when you make a family for yourself, i.e. your children's grandparents.

Sobernow
A good friend of mine has had a lot of useful advice from Al Anon as to how to combine an alcoholic grandparent and the grandchilrden. She's coming for lunch soon, so will ask.

Suggest, for now, he sees them ONLY when sober, if that's achieveable.

Will post again soon.

My son is now two but when he was first born we lived five minutes walk from my MIL. She would pop over all the time, even if my baby was sleeping during the day and I was napping (she could tell I was trying to catch up as the curtains would be closed) but she would be there bang, bang on the front door. Never mind if she woke the baby. If I didnt answer she would walk home and then start ringing the phone. I would sometimes feel she was stalking me. She would ring my partner when hed get home from work too and ask him to come and set the video (or whatever) her husband is still alive by the way. She caused endless rows between myself and my partner. Recently she has started to make digs at the fact that we are not married as well and comparing us to one of her friends daughters who is married and pregnant but unlike me did it "the right way round." What a cheek! Is she saying I shouldnt have had my son?! Guess what - we have now moved and now live much further away from her.

An update, specially for Sobernow....

This friend tells me that when she goes over to visit, Grandfather has plenty of warning of them coming over ie 24hrs.

She gets out of the car first, leaves the children in, and goes to ring the bell. If Grandpa is sober, the kids get out, if drunk, she drives back home, and explains to the children that Grandpa isn't feeling too well, and that they'll visit another day.

Grandpa knows the score, and has his choice as to if he sees the children sober, or doesn't if he's drunk. Also, children only see Grandpa in a sober state.

Not an ideal scenario, but seems to work!