Mother-in-law

[LiamsMum]

Does anyone else have a mother-in-law like mine?? We hardly ever see her even though she lives 10 minutes' away - she hardly ever phones or comes to our house, and basically expects us to visit her if we wish to see her. We have a 20 month old son and my husband has 2 teenagers from his first marriage, but she has NEVER asked to see the children or take them out for the day, or spend time with them - things that most grandmothers do. At family gatherings, she totally ignores the children. My brother-in-law told me that she will only ever look after his children under duress, and she makes it known that she doesn't intend to make a habit of 'babysitting'. As a result, we don't ask her to babysit at all, because my parents are willing to do it. Anyway out of the blue, after the Easter weekend, my MIL's husband (her 2nd husband - not related to the family) came over to my house to "drop off some Easter eggs" for my toddler and he chastised me because my MIL had expected us to visit them over Easter (???). We didn't even know that she had bought easter eggs for my son, due to the fact that we speak quite rarely. I was blown away by this and I happen to know that she was sitting at home while her husband brought the easter eggs over - so in reality, she could have come over to give her grandson the easter eggs herself, and she could have seen him at the same time. But no, she ALWAYS sends her husband over to our house to drop off our birthday presents etc, because she can't be bothered coming herself (sometimes they get left at the front door). This might sound petty but it just makes me wonder why she bothers... she even gets her husband to phone us, instead of doing it herself. Every year on her birthday and mother's day, we phone her and take a present over to her house and stay for a visit, but last year she didn't even phone my husband on his birthday and he was very hurt for days afterwards. I'm now confused about what she wants - we never hear from her, but it's obvious that she expects us to visit her at certain times because she sends her husband over here to tell us. I'm tired of this tedious relationship and last night my husband and I had a fight over his mother. He knows what she's like but he doesn't want to discuss it, and I (stupidly) vented my frustrations about her again. I think it hurts him to even think about her.

Sobernow yes you should call the police if you see him drink/driving after all he could knock down someoneone's child driving in that state and you would never forgive yourself for not taking action. At first my dh was reluctant to call the police if his dad was drink driving as dh's mam was disabled and it was her only means of getting about. Once she had died we weren't able to as we live in Portsmouth and fil lives in Washington. In the end we rang the local Police who advised us to go to his GP and get him to write to the DVLA saying he was unsuitable to drive. Because fil is an ex policeman somebody warned him that he had been reported to the police. We drove up to see his GP who agreed that fil was an alcoholic but first said he couldn't write to the DVLA and then when we said the police said he could he refused to do it saying it was a very drastic step. Unbelievable. We told him we would be back and reporting him to the Medical Council when fil killed some poor innocent person. Luckily fil crashed his car (into a police car no less) not long after and was done for drink driving. Unbelievedly he was caught in the morning and then he rang up his mate in the police station to ask where his car was (he was still drunk), picked up his car and was done again. He's now lost his licence for three years and thinks he'll be getting it back again soon but I hear drink drivers have to have a medical and blood test before they get his licence back so I doubt he'll be getting it back at all thank goodness. Apparently he was lucky he wasn't sent to jail and it was only because he landed up in hospital on the verge of death that he got away with one year probation and a three year ban.

Sobernow, so sorry not to have picked up on your message sooner. We investigated banning MIL from driving in the manner Selja mentions, but she's always been pretty crap at it anyway, and the car is always parked in such a way that she'd never be able to get out of the drive!
Personally, I would be absolutely devastated to see my son mown down by not only a drunk driver, but an alcoholic. I would report him. I think it's called Tough Love - and a committment (sp?) to the community at large.

Is there any option of restricting his drinking while with you?

The reason I'm on this thread today is that we are off very soon to MIL's for the night. We are going because of a special service that's being held for FIL who died nearly 2 years ago.

She'll have had her weekly wine box this morning, and I'm just terrified to turn up this afternoon to find her in some drunken stupor. Dh has suggested that ds and I stay at home, but for his sake, I'm going. I'm just not quite sure what to do if we find her in a drunken state.

Leaving her is not an option because of what is happening tomorrow morning, although I'm sure we could find a hotel.... but what does one tell a 4 yr old. Don't feel that I can plant "seeds" of an idea that Granny might not be very well when we turn up, as she may be OK.

Oh I feel so low about it all. Been convincing myself that I don't care, and really I don't. It's just the effect I see it has on others.

Still, thank goodness for Mumsnet, as I do feel better having spelt it all out...

MIL managed to slip in a packet of ham on the way out the door before going on holiday this week...why oh why oh why does she do it? Whipped it out of her handbag when she thought my guard was down - que?

It's not just me, I know loads of women who've had MIL trouble this year which perhpas came to a head over Christmas. Do you think it is an age or rather sign post to maturity that some of us have found our feet and said 'up with this will I put no longer'!!!

I think I'd better put on a trip this Christmas for all the friends I have who've said they absolutely will NOT have MIL over the doorstep this festive season coming. I'm even considering a Disney Christmas if all else fails! Just had a thought - bet Paris is lovely at Christmas, oh yes, I feel a plan coming on...

Kia, I am intrigued...have i missed something? What do you mean about slipping in a packet of ham? Do you mean she brings you groceries? If so why would that annoy you?Please enlighten me as I may have completely missed the point ( late night breastfeeding fog brain )

Jasper, me too! I haven't read all this thread. Perhaps it holds the answer.