What kind of sex is this?

[writergirl]

My DP and I have been together nearly 10 years.

In the beginning we had a lot of raunchy sex, which was fine. Over time, I feel I need more intimacy, and 'middle of the night' sex, which doesn't involve me dressing up and wearing heels. I don't mind that, but don't feel like doing it all the time!

The other day, we had sex - his kind - without even kissing - this kind of 'intercourse' doesn't really do it for me.

I keep bringing it up, as we have a good communicative relationship, and I also keep sliding over to him in the middle of the night to initiate some more romantic style lovin', but he really is not up for my kind of sex. Doesn't fancy it, or happens to be too tired...

I personally think he has intimacy issues, although I can't get to the bottom of them, or work out why that would be.

I have a niggling feeling he can't handle a 'real woman' - without all the trimmings, but I don't know if I'm over analysing this.

Any thoughts, anyone?

Should I keep analysing?

^ This was re: Herman/Hermit Crab discussion and not in relation to OPs post.

CherrsMedea

Am I the only one that thinks this is a pretty appalling thing to say to someone about their OH?

If I hadn't have burst out laughing at the absurdity it would have just been pure anger. I grab his bum. And he doesn't translate that into "use me as a cum bucket" he translates that into "she's grabbing my bum, cheeky!"

The cheek of some people. But it's a stranger, who means nothing to me, so I'll let it slide :)

And yes - I meant it just like going for a run, or the gym, or doing something general active, that feels good, but I just couldn't be arsed! haha. And it's not like I say "nooo headache" and he says "aaaahh come on" and carries on. It's more like "ooooh I can't be arsed!" and he knows I'm just being a lazy git!

If i was actually ill, or down, or whatever reason that would make me not enjoy it, I'd say that, and he's say ok, want some chocolate? lol...

Is this thread about HermitCrab's sex life or the OP's?

Twinklestein

There's no need to be nasty, I think I am entitled to respond to a disgusting remark that was made in reference to myself or my partner...

Or does that not suite your thread rules?

I already said "anyway, back to the op!" and asked the OP a question. But in the meantime someone kindly defended me, so I responded to them.

The thread also wasn't about Tracey Cox either....

Apologies for going off subject, consider my hand slapped. :)

Just we are clear,

The thread isn't about

• my sex life
• quickies
• tracey cox
• duty sex

Now we shall wait for the OP to update us on the situation.

Got a feeling i will be collecting my pension first.

Is this thread about HermitCrab's sex life or the OP's?

The nature of the internet is that it is about what anyone wants to post about in response either to the OPs post or other posts on the thread - whether directly relevant, tangentially relevant or irrelevant.

Is this thread about Tracey Cox's or the OP?

I jest.... ;)

Tracey cox was lucky in her career. She's someone that knows more or less nothing, and yet somehow designated herself as an expert and got accepted as such.

It's worrying really that she should be quoted as authorative in any sense.

Laurence Llewelyn Bowen was popular around the same time, iirc.
It was a phase of 'experts'.

Is this behaviour in sex part of a bigger pattern of selfish and entitled behaviour?

Had a similar experience with a man I was dating, it felt like he was going into autopilot and I was just a body in his sex movie. It didn't improve and I decided that I didn't want to have to tell him to treat me like a living person and not a sex doll.
10 yrs of doing it his way is not a equal relationship, he appears selfish. Do you love each other, does he love you enough to care about what makes you feel loved and happy.
Is porn really inspiring men to treat women like sex toys, sex should be about variety but at the core loving and caring.
Do you cuddle after sex?

He does sound pretty crap but not sure i would want to only have sex when being woken in the night!!

Wow, what amazing replies!

Thanks so much; probably the best replies I've had on here!

In particular, I think Windywinston and Riverland hit the spot (ahem)
I think he has watched a lot of porn, as a teenager (he's now 48). He says he's just 'visual' which is why he likes the porny stuff.

I am trying to bring it up with him, but without criticising. I think also I haven't painted a full picture, as before I have posted about his lack of grooming.

So - I don't go to kiss him often because he doesn't look after himself. He doesn't shower enough for my liking (every day, but no deo (WTF), he doesn't always have great breath, he doesn't cut his nails nicely, etc. M.A.J.O.R turnoff.

My question is more existential I think, but I did blurt out the other day that I hadn't even had many orgasms with him.

He started saying maybe "I'm not that kind of woman" ...wtf ....which is complete bullshit, as I've had other partners and interludes, where things have been hunky-dory, so again, HIM not wanting to change things.

I think, as Riverland said, it's an issue of being stunted. I looking to have - int he rest of my life - that wild, connection, the deep 'looking into eyes' proper intimate sex, and I want to know if it's worth trying to get him there.

Yes, we have 3 DC and work together, house, mortgage etc. Not worth chucking in my marriage for. Yet.

Showering every day isn't enough? or was that a back to front sentence? lol. my OH actually doesn't use deoderant either, but he smells of.. well nothing! lol he doesn't smell... lucky beggar!

But yeah adding more information to it, he seems like a selfish pig. And making it about you when it's clearly his issue to deal with too.

Why did you have his type of sex for so long as let it go on as long as it did? Did he used to be more loving and care for himself more?

Sorry writer, but it reads to me like you're just not that into him (it's a problem that he showers only once a day and his manicure is sub-par)

And he is more into a fantasy version of you than the real woman

Sounds like the six issue is just a symptom of the underlying problem

He's totally giving himself permission to be crap in bed by presenting the 'just visual' card.

Nobody is 'just visual'. Do we like looking at photos of food, or eating it? Could we enjoy a meal, blindfold?

He needs to cold turkey on the visual stuff and get out of his head and into his body. Focus on in the body sensual responses, instead of superficial brain triggers.

Get some fire in his belly instead of cliches in his head.

Stroking, kissing, light touch, firmer touch, touching with feathers, silk, metal, etc..some training in sensuality.

Oh Riverland I agree!!!

But he keeps saying he's "not like that" - as you said, a bit limited, and I feel it's a duty call on his part, just for me, to do more 'connecting' sex, which happens only rarely.

I'm obviously going to keep at it for the sake of my marriage; he is a good guy at heart, and I can't believe he will dig his heels in and refuse, but i don't know how much he will appreciate being "re-trained" at his age. Ego, etc!

That's why I'm back to the analysis - I don't know why he can't go there - I think everyone can, if it is "unlocked"!

All your replies have been really interesting. Puts thins in perspective.

First of all when men say they're 'visual' it just means shallow.

Secondly being easily turned on by visuals has fa to do with only liking 'porny stuff' and being crap in bed. Refusing point blank to consider your partner's pleasure as well as your own is the very defintion of a bad lover.

He's arrogant too: when you tell him you don't orgasm he doesn't wonder want he could do better he just suggests you're 'not that kind of woman'.

Add that to the lack of grooming, or to put less subtly, his smelliest, I wonder what on earth possessed you to marry him?

You say you have good communication but he doesn't sound like he listens to a word you say.

^smelliness, thanks ipad.

OP you seem to be picking out the messages of support but not really going further into any of it to make a fair decision on it all..

I did ask

"Why did you have his type of sex for so long as let it go on as long as it did? Did he used to be more loving and care for himself more?"

Because you have contributed to this "visual stimulus" for so long.. I wonder why you did? Why were you unfair on yourself and then suddenly changed.... he must have been "normal" at some point?

I'm lost as to when it started... did you enjoy dressing up at first because he did more for you, or did you just resign to doing what he wants from the very beginning?

He's dug his heels on for 10 years, why on earth would he change now?

He's basically saying it's not in his nature, ie he is unable to do the kind of sex you want. But even if it's just unwillingness and selfishness, it makes no odds, you're still in the same position.

Btw HermitCrab I didn't mean my post above to you unkindly, I was joking, I'm sorry if you were offended.

Interesting thread.......at least no one has said LTB yet!

He sounds like someone who doesn't like intimacy. He wants the physical pleasure and release but that's all. Intimacy can be hard work to someone like that. I think you need to talk to him about it.

Twinkle don't worry about it. :)

Um, in the beginning, I did fall in love with him, for many other qualities, hence why I married him.

He was less heavy than he is now - he's not massively ow - but is heavier, and I only realised that over time he didn't look after himself very well.

After years of living with someone, and when the initial flush of passion wears off, you start to see their real habits and way of being. And that's fine, and normal.

The dressing up style of sex is in my repertoire, and I find it quite fun - I don't mind taking on another role - but, over time, I wanted other things - basically, more intimacy, and a bit of a change: a real connection, as our relationship went on, we shared life, and basically got deeper.

Also, logistically, its not easy to nip up to the bedroom and put on sexy togs with kids running around & washing up to do.

So yes, I'm changing the game a bit, and as I head towards my 40th bday, and finally have time for myself as my DCs get a bit older, I have time and head space to think about my needs.

Which I now feel are being unmet, hence this emerging issue.

It has been an ongoing conversation - and we talk openly - but its true that he's not acting on it.

But true, he's never been a very affectionate person - we don't kiss as we leave/come home, I can go days without touching him, but as I said, the kissing is also clouded by the fact he (sometimes) has not the freshest breath.

I don't actually know how, as Riverland says, he needs to concentrate on 'sensual body responses' when he's never really done that before, if that's possible to do.

I kind of thought I had a great marriage and married my soulmate because we get on so well, but I am realising he is v lazy in a lot of ways. But that's another post!