Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH visiting female friend and not telling me

40 replies

likeacompletenovice · 19/11/2014 20:44

DH got home about an hour late tonight, he had text me earlier to tell me he would be late and as he didn’t say anything different i assumed he was just working late which is not unusual but just now he said something about seeing something in a different town (hard to explain without outing place but basically something he could have only seen if he had been there today) i asked what he’d been there for and he said he’d been to see an ex colleague of his who’s just started a new job and he said he went to catch up with her and find out about it and it’s the only time she could do so he went to her house and had a glass of wine with her (just her).

He couldn’t have been there for more than an hour and he thinks because he didn’t outright lie he hasn’t done anything wrong but he wouldn’t have told me if he hadn’t of slipped up and mentioned this place. There’s no history and i have no reason to suspect he’s done anything wrong but it’s pissed me off that he thinks it’s ok to go to her house and drink wine with her while i have no idea where he is.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/11/2014 20:49

You say you have no reason to be suspicious but nevertheless you are suspicious. There's a reason for that and it is more than just the bare bones details of the story. If it feels wrong, it's probably wrong

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 21:07

Hmm. I had a friend who didn't tell his wife when we were together. When I asked if/what he'd told her he'd say things like "out" or "she didn't ask"

Nothing ever happened that she needed to be worried about but I found out later that he would have liked it if it had.

If there is something going on though, he's not very good at it!

HumblePieMonster · 19/11/2014 21:12

Sounds suspicious to me.

GoatsDoRoam · 19/11/2014 21:15

If he's hiding things, it's because he feels there is something to hide.

Rebecca2014 · 19/11/2014 21:19

You have posted about this before and yes it is all very suspicious. They are not having an affair at the moment but not through your oh lack of wanting too.

fairypond · 19/11/2014 21:25

Rebecca how do you know that?

kittensinmydinner · 19/11/2014 21:27

Otoh he hasn't hidden anything, so theres nothing going on, unless he is the most crap potential cheat on the planet. really ? I am married, if I felt like going to visit a male ex colleague on my way home from work, I certainly wouldn't be asking my dh's permission or even telling him unless it came up in conversation in the evening, you have to trust or you have nothing,

TheAlias · 19/11/2014 21:34

I think that's it kitten. He doesn't need permission but presumably OP had the "nice day dear?" conversation when he got in. How interesting does your life have to be before drinks at a friend's house wouldn't feature in your response?

Quitelikely · 19/11/2014 21:40

How can she have posted about it before if it was today Confused

Allalonenow · 19/11/2014 21:53

He is lying to you by omission, the easiest form of lying, and often used by long term liars.

Original poster
likeacompletenovice · 19/11/2014 22:19

I haven't posted about this before

That's why I find it strange TheAlias, we had had that conversation and he had not mentioned it.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 20/11/2014 00:56

I agree with all alone now about lying by omission. If you approach it in reverse it's more than just one lie by omission. Presumably He didn't tell you he was having personal contact with her outside of work. He didn't tell you he had made this arrangement. He didn't tell you he was going. He didn't tell you that he had been there.

Did you know she existed ?

Some people think if they don't openly lie they're not doing anything wrong. In fact it's something they often think they deserve brownie points for when they're caught doing something they shouldn't.

Original poster
likeacompletenovice · 20/11/2014 13:39

Yeah I'd heard of her before but only briefly, I wouldn't have expected they were on good enough terms that he would be going to visit her at her house for no reason

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 20/11/2014 14:20

There's no way I'd invite a married male colleague round to my house for wine. If they had openly met up for coffee it would be ok , but secretly going to her house for wine would be too much for me I'm afraid. Women generally tend to be careful about being isolated with men they don't know that well , so she's obviously comfortable enough with him to be alone with him in her house while they drink wine. It could be interpreted by some as a date.

The fact that you have only briefly heard of her is also worrying. Some cheaters get mentionitas but others don't ever mention the person. Either way There's no need to hide a friendship from your spouse. The fact that he has would suggest to me they are more than friends.

In your shoes I would say no more about this , but I would verify certain things. For instance I'd verify how they keep in contact and how frequent that contact is. Also , considering traveling time , how long would he have been at her house for ? Is there any chance he had the day off work ?

TheAlias · 20/11/2014 15:16

Also, if I popped in to see a friend on my way home from work, I'd expect coffee, not wine. Maybe it's just different lifestyles but wine moves it from afternoon and the only opportunity to catch up territory into evening date territory IMO.

peggyundercrackers · 20/11/2014 15:37

maybe he didn't mention it previously because he knew you would get suspicious on him and then accuse him of something he hadn't done.

I agree with kitten - he hasn't really done anything wrong other than met an ex-colleague, I don't see anything wrong with that - its normal behaviour.

KingCrimson · 20/11/2014 15:45

Failing to mention it when it was the reason he was late home isn't normal behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2014 15:45

All kinds of 'normal' behaviour quickly become suspicious if it's kept secret from a partner. Phone calls, emails, visits at home in the afternoon with wine....

badbaldingballerina123 · 20/11/2014 15:50

While it's perfectly normal to meet up with colleagues , I don't think it's normal to go out of your way to hide it.

What was his explanation for not telling you Op ? Did he claim it wasn't important or not worth mentioning?

Windywinston · 20/11/2014 20:02

He either failed to tell you because something is going on (or he wants it to), or he might have failed to tell you because he couldn't be arsed to have a conversation about why you might be uncomfortable with the situation.

The first is obviously a really big problem for you, the second, while not serious on the face of it, is still pretty poor behaviour. Part of being an adult is being able to face difficult conversations. If his intentions were purely to catch up with an old friend he should be mature enough to state this and reassure you that there's nothing going on.

If you have a genuine concern (beyond not being comfortable with him having female friends) you could ask to see his phone, but I think your concerns need to be genuine to go to this extreme as you're basically telling him you don't trust him, which is a pretty big deal.

So you need to ask yourself, are you genuinely worried, or just nervous about him having a female friend?

saturnvista · 20/11/2014 21:16

Why the glass of wine? Why not mention it to you on purpose? Regardless of something going on or not, I wouldn't like the lack of transparency and respect your DP is showing. Something may be going on or have the potential to go on (I'd be inclined to think so but nobody can know). But you're not with someone who is honest with you. Can't stand it when people think it's ok to hide stuff and say it's not a lie because technically there was no lie. It's a relationship not a tax evasion.

kittensinmydinner · 21/11/2014 08:10

fgs if this poor man had been round to his ex work colleague for an extra marital shag-a-thon with wine (surely not wine -that makes it soooooo certain) then does anyone on here really think his deceitfulness could not possibly be extended to lying about why he was in this particular town, ie changing the ex colleague from female to male and ommitting the wine.? Honestly people, sometimes MN is such a parallel universe to anything I know in reality.. Are we really in 2014 where a man cannot have a glass of wine with a woman without being suspected of boffing her over the kitchen sink ? The reason he doesn't mention it is because of exactly this reason. Trust is all. Without that there is nothing. Contrary to popular belief, any man in a committed loving relationship/marriage does not feel the need to rip the pants off the nearest female just because she fancies him if he does then he is not a committed loving partner and not worth your effort.

bobbywash · 21/11/2014 08:25

You know, sometimes things aren't said just because of this type of reason, he tells you what happened and you go off the deep end, he doesn't tell you what's happened and you just think he's working late and don't give him the 3rd degree.

I think he's not telling you for a quiet life, he is also not hiding it when he is asked directly, ergo I don't see that it's anything to worry about.

If you are one of those people who continually question him if he happens to see/mention another woman then I'm not surprised at his actions, nor do I blame him. I've seen plenty of this type of thing in the past, and understand why some men say nothing. It's not because they are doing anything wrong, they just don't want to have to justify or explain every time they see a women without you.

DrSethHazlittMD · 21/11/2014 08:59

The subject of men having female friends is always a recurring theme on MN.

I'm with kitten and find it very sad that there are still a large number of people who seem to have an issue with this. You either trust your partner or you don't. You shouldn't need to know every single thing your partner has done with their day.

I suspect bobby hits the nail on the head, having been there myself (yes, I am a man with many female friends, most married, some single) and sorry but a partner doesn't have the right to tell me who I can or can't see as long as it is not a case of spending more time with them than my partner. An ex once had a problem, despite the fact that she had met all my friends, we socialised in groups a lot of the time but also singly. My ex tried to stop me seeing any of my friends singly, despite the fact that I had known my friends for 15 or more years and my ex for 3. It would have been very easy just to "keep the peace" and see people and not tell her - the lie by omission rather than get a stream of rancid for daring to actually want to see a friend whom I've known half my life. So I got rid of the ex and kept my friends and I've still never shagged any of them.

Sometimes it boils down to someone's insecurities and they would only be happy if their partner never saw any female friends unless they were along for the ride. Sorry, but if a man told a woman she was not to see any male friends, there'd be a cry of "he's a controlling arse and it's a big red flag" and it's the same this way round UNLESS, as I said earlier, the balance of time with friends vs time with partner is way out of kilter.

mariposaazul · 21/11/2014 09:07

Hear hear Kitten Bobby Seth