DH visiting female friend and not telling me

[likeacompletenovice]

DH got home about an hour late tonight, he had text me earlier to tell me he would be late and as he didn’t say anything different i assumed he was just working late which is not unusual but just now he said something about seeing something in a different town (hard to explain without outing place but basically something he could have only seen if he had been there today) i asked what he’d been there for and he said he’d been to see an ex colleague of his who’s just started a new job and he said he went to catch up with her and find out about it and it’s the only time she could do so he went to her house and had a glass of wine with her (just her).

He couldn’t have been there for more than an hour and he thinks because he didn’t outright lie he hasn’t done anything wrong but he wouldn’t have told me if he hadn’t of slipped up and mentioned this place. There’s no history and i have no reason to suspect he’s done anything wrong but it’s pissed me off that he thinks it’s ok to go to her house and drink wine with her while i have no idea where he is.

I don't think bobby hits it on the head at all. 'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd go off the deep end....' is a pathetic excuse generally only used by little kids. If it's a good relationship - and the OP said at the outset there's no 'history' and they have no reason to suspect anything is wrong - then the information that he'd be later than normal because he was popping round to this friend's house for a catch up would have not resulted in WWIII. I'm not picking up that the OP is paranoid or tries to stop him seeing female friends at all.

So the trust was there but the man chose to be secretive and was caught out by slipping up. He has really cocked up....

Cogito - I meant in general, a lot of people "lie by omission" for a peaceful life, whether that is that they nipped to the pub for a crafty pint with a mate on the way home from work or that that dress you bought wasn't in the sale at all and cost £175. It isn't necessarily indicative of deceit on a massive scale. But if it happens to involve a member of the opposite sex, the fact that so many people naturally jump to only one possible conclusion is actually very sad.

I don't think it's especially sad. I think it's realistic. Not every man who meets every woman for a glass of wine in her home and fails to tell the DW is up to no good but a lot would be. Affairs often start as silly opportunistic things - friendships that cross a line, inappropriate behaviour - rather than the 'grand passions' of books and films. If you don't keep your eyes and ears open in a relationship and if you don't ask the right questions, you can easily end up looking really foolish. The OP also has the advantage of having been there when he was caught out and been able to judge the look on his face.

You don't think it sad that people automatically assume or see guilt or intent when there is none? That suggests to me that such a person doesn't trust their partner from the off, and if you have no trust, you don't have a relationship.

I agree things can start off that way but if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, no matter what sort of 'eye' you keep on them.

I don't think the OP is assuming or seeing guilt. I don't think the OP mistrusted the DH 'from the off' either. I think the DH is acting in an untrustworthy manner, whether that's intentionally or unintentionally, and the responsibility is on him.

People shouldn't lie for a peaceful life. If your intentions are sound then you can argue that case and would be reasonable to do so. The problem with lying for a peaceful life is that once your word means nothing to your partner, your relationship is doomed whether or not you were up to no good.

I refer to my previous post, part of being an adult is having the difficult conversations.

I for one wouldn't like to say whether the OP's husband is up to no good or not, it's not overly clear from the post whether it's a case of her not being comfortable with him having female friends or whether she genuinely feels he may be up to no good. What is clear is that her husband lies by omission.

Trust is one thing, blind trust is something else. Trusting someone totally and ignoring your gut instincts would be very unwise.

How are you OP? Hopefully it's sorted.

But, something like this isn't in the category of fibbing about what a dress or a nice new shirt cost (personally I don't even like those kinds of lies, but that's just me).

Lies about relationships, other people and their involvement in your life - well, that goes into different territory. As this thread shows. Here we are, here OP is, suspicious that her DH is doing what is the logical end point of all this speculation - having an affair. Because he has LIED about another woman's involvement in his life, and she in his. (Yes it is a lie - when it's your partner, when the whole basis of your exclusive personal relationship with one another is an unspoken commitment to honesty and fidelity, then yes not mentioning going to another woman's house for a drink and a chat when talking about your day is LYING TO YOUR PARTNER.)

And by the way, I like my DH having friends. I wish he had more good friends outside our joint circle, to be honest - I have more 'my people' than he has his. He has good female friends (who are mainly my friends too) and I like that he does. I generally trust him and respect that he is a good person (not utterly blindly, been on here too long for that). But generally I like that we both try and look outwards, have good friends, and appreciate that it's important to have separate friendships, time apart, to not be just some two-headed Relationship Entity. And still - if I found out that he had done what OP's H has, and deliberately not told me - then I would be FURIOUS, and a lot of my trust in him would be out of the window. Because I wasn't born yesterday and I'd know that his deliberate choice to omit this information would be significant in a way that could not possibly be positive.

I agree with your point entirely, all I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't assume he's definitely up to no good based on the OPs first post.

FWIW I would personally ask for a look at his phone if it were my DH, but only because we're both comfortable with each other having friends of the opposite sex, so a lie by omission on something like this would be a change in his behaviour, it's the lie that would cause my suspicion, not the act itself iyswim.

What I'm trying to glean is, is this a change in behaviour and is OP prone to jealousy over DH's friendships with women? Could this be the reason he (wrongly IMO) lied?

I trust DH and I don't expect him to explain his whereabouts to me at all. I would be most put out if he expected me to explain myself to him.

But , I can't imagine ever having drinks on the way home, with a friend I don't see often and not mentioning it when I got in.

Different if you don't see OH until the next day or there was some crisis that needed to be dealt with as soon as he got home which meant the moment passed, but OP and her DH had a conversation about his day when he got in. I wonder what more interesting details he gave her than meeting up with an old colleague?

FWIW I couldn't bear to be in a relationship where it was "necessary" to lie about the cost of a dress either.

I think it sounds strange OP. Were they friends before she left? Did they go round to each other's houses?

I would expect them to meet for a drink somewhere and for him to let you know that's why he would be late. Going to her house and not telling you sounds suspicious to me.

I'm really not the jealous possessive wife who would make life difficult if he mentioned talking to another woman, he has a few female friends, not many, and not really close friends but I've never been concerned or given him a hard time about them before so don't know why he'd completely avoid mentioning it.

Like a couple of people have said going round to her house for wine just felt a bit 'close' and I was shocked he would have not told me.

He said they were friends before but only at work and he hadn't been to her house before

Well if you're not the possessive type, you then have to question what possible motive he would have to lie. Has he offered any proof of his innocent intent?

Yeah, this definitely sounds suspect.

If he wanted to know how this ex colleague was getting on, couldn't he ring her? Did he 'happen' to be in that town and call in on the off-chance? How fortunate she was in! My DP has a 'friend' that he neglected to tell me about. People lie because they know that the other person wouldn't like to hear the truth - that in itself should raise a few questions. OP - nip it in the bud.