I'm sorry this is long: I need to get it off my chest.
How on earth do I cope with a moody man? It's driving me nuts. He has such a narrow emotional repertoire: neutral or grumpy-cum-tired. That's it. No joy, no excitement, no happiness. Often, he does make an effort when he's around the children, but that's the only positive thing I can say. He's always been somewhat like this, but it's horrendous these days. His job is genuinely really difficult at the moment, but he won't let me be a source of comfort to him when he gets home. I actually dread him coming home because he's either unhappy already, or I'm waiting for the next mood, and I can't comfort him or cheer him up. I feel uncomfortable around him a lot of the time. The job thing is difficult - he is doing everything he realistically can to move on from his job, but it's genuinely hard and for now, he's stuck.
And although he contributes equally to the household/parenting tasks, he makes everything a chore. We could relax and have fun sometimes when sorting our (young) kids out and putting them to bed, but he describes it as a 'hamster-wheel' and sees it all as a gloom-inducing chore.
It's partly about his day-to-day moodiness, but it's also partly about his beliefs about what's acceptable regarding how you treat those close to you. Being tired means - in his world - that it's entirely acceptable to be cold, grumpy, and uncommunicative. I think he doesn't fully understand that we all get tired, but we don't all become unpleasant every time as a result. (I do all the overnight dealing with the children, to ensure that he doesn't get woken.) I think he genuinely doesn't understand how unpleasant he is to others. I recall being shocked at how he spoke to his Dad (whom he massively respects and cares about). His Dad is an enthusiastic, Tiggerish people-pleaser, but my husband used to speak to him as though he was dirt. I pulled him up on this and he's improved. Sometimes he makes an effort with me, but it never lasts.
I was brought up by two mildly depressed parents, and I remember vowing at an early age that I'd avoid taking out tiredness/unhappiness on my family. Obviously I have times when I'm not my best, but I rarely take it out on others and when I'm fed up, he can reach me and cheer me up. But he won't let anything I do or say make him happier.
I put up with a lot in this marriage. I put up with the fact that he doesn't really feel comfortable having sex, so we don't have sex. So that means that
I'll never again have sex. I put up with his secrecy (eg if he's on the phone, he will always leave he room and will not tolerate me being within earshot). I am forced to tolerate the fact that we're not having more children because he doesn't want them. But I really struggle living with someone who often makes me feel so uncomfortable.
To give balance, he certainly has good points. He contributes equal labour to the household. He is faithful. He has strong ethics. He can occasionally be lovely. He is very supportive regarding a time-sucking hobby that I have.
He doesn't want us to go to Relate, before anyone suggests that. I tried going on my own but it was useless. Yes, he may well be depressed, but he won't go to a GP. Anyway, he's been like this for years - he's more congenitally dysthymic than temporarily depressed.
If you've got is far, thank you for reading.