Does counselling work when violence it involved?

[latorgator]

Just that really...

Pretty sure it's not advised. Unless it individually but not joint.

Joint counselling I mean

Who has suggested this?.

Joint counselling is never recommended where there has been abuse within the relationship so its a non starter here. Do contact Womens Aid as Preciousbane has advised.

i suggested it to DH

No

Is your husband violent towards you ?

No, because the perpetrator(s) of the violence need to 1. Recognise it is wrong 2. Seek support for changing their behaviour/ values.
counselling does not attribute right and wrong. It is for exploring situations and reflecting in order to move forwards.

No

Divorce and police stop violence

Violence in a relationship isn't a relationship problem it's a criminal problem. There is nothing you have done to cause this and there is nothing you can do to prevent this. Domestic violence needs police, restraining order, followed by divorce. Please don't try to fix this, it is not your responsibility.

Are you able to expand on the details ?

Don't want to go into too much detail. It's not just random violence, it's when rows get out of hand, and frustration comes out but not in words

That is violence targeted to exert control in the relationship. It's not "out of hand" "frustration".

Which one of you is violent?

OK, that is your choice to not go into details.

It is unacceptable for any person to use physical violence to express frustration. This person feels entitled to bully and abuse to get their own way.

No one should tolerate this in a relationship. The only acceptable level of abuse is zero

To answer your original question: joint counseling is never recommended where violence is present in a relationship. The counseling room would just be used as another arena for manipulation and control. Any counsellor worth their salt will refuse to see a couple together where violence is present in the relationship.

Individual counseling is, however, recommended. Especially for the person at the receiving end of the violence, so that they can examine their relationship needs and their feelings and behaviour in a safe environment.

There are also specialised perpetrator programmes, if the violent partner is motivated to be sign up to one. It has to be their own personal choice to follow the programme, though.

In a violent relationship I think leaving is the only thing to do.

Preferably the violent abuser should leave but if this is unlikely to happen then the victim should be in touch with the police, women's aid, family and any RL support available and be out of there NOW.

Both parties can try to heal ... separately.

I think it worth adding that perpetrator programmes don't generally have good outcomes in changing the basic mindset of someone who thinks it ok to use threats of/violence to get their own way

No. Abuse is not due to a problem within the relationship, it's not a issue to be solved by the two of you working through it together. It's one person trying to exert control and not to mention committing a criminal offense.

I don't know whether abusers can change, but I think that's a process they have to work through on their own with therapy. You just need to get yourself safe.

Yes, success rate in perpetrator programmes is very, very low. The vast majority of participants go on to abuse again.

According to Lundy Bancroft, you'd have more chance (but no guarantee) of re-habilitating a man who is violent generally, in pubs, in his car etc, than you would have rehabilitating a man that hides his violence behind a closed door (which requires control, not loss of control, but make no mistake control ). A man that is violent or abusive only behind a closed front door can control his temper, he just feels entitled to and chooses to abusive the woman he feels he owns.

So I would say no. Years ago I left an abusive man. He wouldn't acknowledge that he was abusive mind you but I have no regrets. Leave now and think about it later. Your head will be in ribbons and you won't be able to think straight, so don't think about whether you should leave or stay. Just end it. Then think later. No more analysis.

Thanks ladies, x

Aid

Mankind

I'd just like to add, I only asked this as is we can sort the rows, it will stop the rest x

Sorry my first link was meant to be titled "Women's Aid"