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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you think about this text?

65 replies

notespeller · 19/11/2014 07:12

I sent a message to someone I've been seeing after he was being a bit reticent to say - well maybe we should stop seeing each other. I hoped he would be all like "no way" etc etc

He actually wrote:- I think you are amazing in every way and I am seriously and honestly telling you we have a lot of love in our relationship. I only want you to be happy and successful and I really am your biggest supporter and think you are amazing and I know that will NEVER change xx

This means fuck off doesn't it?

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 19/11/2014 13:03

I think it's nice too! Do let us know of it was giving the brush off or not!

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 13:10

I only sent the text because he is always away with work - like literally 99% of the time.

I am having a lot of problems at work at the moment and am generally feeling really low. I don't generally over react to things I just felt so fed up at the moment that with him away and then being quite casual really anyway (apart from when I see him) I just felt really f*ed off and stupidly wanted to get a reaction from him which I can see is childish now i've had time to reflect and wish I hadn't done it with hindsight.

I didn't think I was being manipulative but I can see now that in a way it is and he is very straightforward and probably just took it at face value. (like a normal person would rather than the idiot I am!

But I do feel his answer is very sort of unemotional (which he often is over the texts thinks he just gets into work mode when he goes away) and if he liked me that much surely he would have said "lets talk about it when I get back and sort something out"

OP posts:

sykadelic · 19/11/2014 13:18

Honestly when I first read it I thought, yep, blowing you off. On further reads and some people's responses I'm wondering if it's a "ball is in your court" reply.

Of course it also depends on what you actually said to him. I'd suggest meeting up or a phone call if meeting might take a while.

TheHermitCrab · 19/11/2014 13:43

Twinklestein

I saw it as manipulative because she sent the message with the aim of trying to get a particular response, I.E him saying "no way!"

There's nothing wrong with being grown up and adult and just saying how you both feel the relationship is going.

Now they will never know, because of this text malarky.

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 13:43

I know I really don't know I felt that is just a polite 'nice knowing you'.

I really feel upset about it and it hasn't achieved what I wanted at all but then again maybe it does prove he is just not that into me if he is happy to basically just say ok then and have a nice life (more or less)??

I am dreading that I might ever see him again I don't feel like i'll ever be able to face him again and I feel equally heartbroken that I will never see him again because I was completely in love with him.

It's so awful having that waiting feeling again.

I know one day i'll get over it but right now I don't feel like I ever will (and feel so upset that he probably couldn't even give a toss)

OP posts:

makeitabetterplace · 19/11/2014 13:44

Ring him. Speculating isn't getting you anywhere. If you want to be with him , tell him what you want. If he's not keen then at least you know now rather than ages into the future. I think you're confusing him and yourself.

loloftherings · 19/11/2014 14:13

If I received a text saying "maybe we should stop seeing each other" I'd think that's it, I'm dumped.
In fact I have been dumped in the past with those exact word, although face to face.
His response sounds like he doesn't want to beg you to reconsider, he just accepts it and tries to remain his dignity.

loloftherings · 19/11/2014 14:15

And PS. Call or meet him or text him saying you've made a mistake or you weren't dumping him, it was a question or something. Re your last post where you say you were so in love with him, don't just let him go if you've messed it up.

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 14:19

loloftherings - did you? Did you not say no i don't want that. I can see now you might be right he might have thought i dumped him and he is trying to retain his dignity maybe?

My actual words were 'It is probably best if we don't have anymore contact and then you won't have to worry about it" after he had sent a text to me saying going to be hard to stay in touch while he was away but really how hard can it be? That's just i'm busy in other words (i.e. too busy for you)

OP posts:

pompodd · 19/11/2014 14:30

Bloody hell, notespeller!

Of course the guy thinks he has been dumped - what the hell did you expect him to think if you say "It is probably best if we don't have anymore contact and then you won't have to worry about it?"

loloftherings · 19/11/2014 14:33

I can't remember exactly how the conversation went after that but it was probably something like "so that's it, I'm dumped then?", "i just think we should spend some time apart", which turned out to be dumped :)

His texts do sound a bit oddly worded though.

TheHermitCrab · 19/11/2014 14:43

You definitely dumped him with those words, he was saying it would be hard, you told him "sod it then"

He probably saw it as you taking the opportunity to dump him, and he's not going to beg if it was that easy for you to "give up"

Silly mind games.

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 14:44

well he is American so he can be a bit "American" if you know what I mean.

In my defense I am normally very easy going with him and not demanding at all - which I can't be because he travels so much so this is the first time i have ever 'kicked off" and he has known me for years (not always together though).

I do wonder if he would've been shocked or relieved? to be honest he just sounds like he isn't bothered to me easy come easy go????

OP posts:

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 14:46

yes the hermitcrab I can see that now you say it. Wish you'd been there to make me see that before I got in a big huff.

OP posts:

TheHermitCrab · 19/11/2014 14:48

All you can do is admit to him what you did and why, and hope he doesn't think you're crazy, nothing to lose as you both consider yourselves broken up now.

No wonder men claim to never know what we think!

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 14:56

I'm pretty sure he won't think i'm crazy he has known me for years and he knows I am actually very sensible. I have never behaved like this before.

I can see I handled it really badly and in response to everything else in my life but I can also feel he is pulling away as well like he didn't want to stay over the day before he left and he was still affectionate etc and said all the usual things but something in my gut felt off. (it could be me though as feeling really down about other stuff at the moment).

I do feel his response is the brush off and I know he is in work zone now so I won't hear from him but I feel he is relieved to get rid of me as extra drain on his time he is really busy but if he did like me as much as he says then he would try to work something out more surely. i.e. he would want to stay in touch when he's away for example but he doesn't.

and if you got dumped surely you'd question it not just say - you're amazing have a great life!!!!

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/11/2014 14:57

If someone text me your text if assume I was dumped then because I'm proud I would send a 'ok whatever have a nice life' text even if I was heartbroken.

Original poster

notespeller · 19/11/2014 15:02

thanks to everyone for all your messages by the way they are helping me realize I am a bit stupid. They are making me see things from a different perspective. I have to go out now I really don't feel like it just want to sit around and mope but hopefully it might make me feel a bit better. Going to try not to talk about it - my friends are all sick of hearing about him but will be dying to come back home and read any more posts. TIA

OP posts:

TheHermitCrab · 19/11/2014 15:05

and if you got dumped surely you'd question it not just say - you're amazing have a great life!!!!

not necessarily... you practically gave up on him via text, then told us all you love him.

Mixed messages all round!

InfinitySeven · 19/11/2014 15:10

You seem desperate for him to put on a big show for you, to fight for you.

Most people wouldn't, in this situation. You respond with dignity, however you feel. Which is what he has done, in his own way.

If you think you've made a mistake, call him. Don't waste the day both thinking about this, or miss your chance.

arsenaltilidie · 19/11/2014 16:38

That text sounds like he is saying he still likes you, we have a great thing going but I will not beg and I'll leave the ball in your court.

If you are not happy about the amount of time you have maybe it is for the best

LovesPeace · 19/11/2014 16:46

You sound as though you were having a bad day, and not making the best decisions.

He sounds lovely - he's saying you could be good together, but the ball's in your court as you're the flouncy dumper .

He sounds good for you, tbh, as he didn't respond to your texts with a 'Fuck you too!' I would have! .

Call him and ask directly 'do you still want to date?'.

lavenderhoney · 19/11/2014 16:58

If the reason you needed to send the text was to get a reaction as he was in work zone it worked didn't it? Then what? How often is he in this work zone? Do you mean you don't hear from him for days on end and the time difference is an issue? Have you discussed this with him?

he's saying IMO that's fine, I'm not fussed, have a nice life- he still likes you but isn't buying the game playing.

Only1scoop · 19/11/2014 17:05

How was he being 'reticent'? Just not communicating as much or were you getting a vibe.

You sort of called his bluff ....probably not expecting response you received.

I must say he doesn't sound like he's longing to sort things out....

Mom2K · 19/11/2014 17:12

Quite honestly I would analyze the relationship and decide for sure if I wanted it to continue, or end it. If you wish to remain in the relationship and work on things, forget about the texts and have a proper conversation with him.

The texts can be brushed off as you were feeling upset and the message that came across isn't really what you intended. Texts are often misinterpreted - proven by the fact that you are now spending the time mulling over what his response means.

If you feel that he isn't bothered to make the kind of time for you, that you need in this relationship, then you have your answer. Don't settle for less than you deserve just because you love him. If this is a blip because he's got an unusual amount of work/deadlines etc and things can get back to a better place when it calms down - well these things sometimes happen and you work through them. Only you can decide what's truly going on and what you will make allowances for. Decide this, and then contact him if you want to resume the relationship. Best of luck.

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