How common is it to have a difficult relationship with your mother?

[mermaid101]

I've posted many times about my troubled relationship with my mother.

I've been given some great advice here and based on this, have done a lot of thinking and a bit of reading about this.

I am currently reading Toxic Families by Susan Forward and have found it useful. She suggests confronting your parents about the past, in the hope you can change how you feel/react. This is something I am considering.

However, I have discussed this with several of my friends and it would appear that the majority have fairly difficult relationships with our mothers. Collectively, we have struggled to think of many people who do have "good" or overwhelming positive relationships with our mothers.

It made me wonder if I'm maybe being a bit over sensitive and perhaps it is just the way of the world and that many/most (?) people have difficulties with their parents?

I'm not sure how you could quantify this really. I just wondered if this thought had ever occurred to anyone else?

Good to better, what was the boundary or issue you had brought up with her? What did your brother make of it? What did he say to her?

The boundary was not to slag me off.

My brother thinks she's a bitch and has very limited contact with her.

Mermaid Have you spoken to your brother/sister about what happened when your mum picked your niece up? I think it might be odd to raise it at a later date, especially if you are only going on what she told you herself.

My experience of confrontation:

A year or two back I confronted my mum twice about something that happened when I was in my 20's (a while ago now!). She stuck to her guns, didn't see what she had done wrong, and didn't apologise. It hurt like hell. I went nc for a few weeks. Eventually things resumed.

The way I have dealt with it is to use what I learned from it in other encounters:

1 - I learned that she is genuinely self-centred enough not to realise what she did was hurtful. I now realise that there are lots of other examples of her exercising poor judgement which do not affect me so personally.
2 - I will never get the kind of thoughtful love from my mother that I want, so I've stopped tormenting myself.
3 - it doesn't stop me from being a good daughter, which is important for me. I do a lot for her now because I want to. I don't get so upset any more if she isn't how I'd like her to be. If I do find myself getting upset I tell myself she's lucky to have me (!).

My mum is at the end of her life now, so things have moved on a lot from where you are now. I'm glad I spoke to her, because if I hadn't I would always have wondered whether it would have made a difference.

No , I haven't had a chance to speak to my sister about it. I am sure though that my mum was, at best, very angry and hectoring with my niece. She almost certainly didn't just deal with whatever behaviour she didn't like (which of course, she is completely correct to) but would have widened it out to very general and hurtful points such as " nobody likes you" or "I don't know how anyone at school puts up with you?" Or would have just kept barking " what's your problem? " until my niece came up with something. I can tell because of what my mum disclosed to me about what happened, my expreice of watching her interact with my niece and my own experiences with her as a child.

Iwas just going to say something along the lines of that I had been thinking about what she had told me about that day, and would prefer her not to do that with my children if the situation ever arose. I would prefer her just to deal with the behaviour she found unacceptable as calmly as possible and then let me or my husband know what had happened. I would totally understand and accept if she didn't want to pick them up again.

I thought this would preempt any future conflict and, more importantly, protect my DCs from being subject to anything like this.

But maybe it's not a great idea? I find it very hard to work out what is normal behaviour/ interaction in my relationship with my mother.

I don't think its the end of the world if you say something.

I also think other people have raised good points.

They never agree with what we say and never admit it.
They tell lies about us.
They mostly don't change.
It is not about us...it is all about them.
It's ok to have people know what you are doing and why.

I wonder if you might make up a short sentence to explain to friends and family who ask about why you are not seeing your mum much.

Something like 'I don't like the way she speaks to me so I am distancing myself until I feel better.' If they press the issue, you can say you'd rather not get into it if they don't mind. I found being prepared with what to say was really helpful.

I also found my own therapist and working with her was the start of an upward journey x

I think the problem is that you are talking about a situation that you did not directly witness, so your mother will just say it wasn't like you are saying. Also, if she thinks you don't trust her with your children she'll be hurt and on the defensive, which is never a good place to start a conversation.

I get what you are saying - you want to avoid a situation arising in the first place. You may have no choice bit to avoid her looking after the children if you don't trust her.

Maybe better to use a different, neutral situation - like discussing how you feel when you see someone shouting at a child in the supermarket or on one of those reality TV programmes (?).

Hi Mermaid, I originally saw a therapist (not my current therapist) when I was coming to terms with a violent relationship I had left about a year before. I didn't even realise the impact of my parent's behaviour on me at the time - it only came up as a secondary issue. Of course it turned out to be the primary issue!

I have a brother and a sister. I am estranged from brother (golden child) because of his verbal abuse - he's a very messed up and downright scary person. My sister knows I'm in therapy - I have an ok relationship with her, but I cannot rely on her for any emotional support. She's very self centred and our relationship is mostly based on fluffy stuff and shared interests like make up, clothes, celeb gossip etc. I listen to her problems and try to support her but I have accepted that I can't get the same in return from her. I only see her about once a year and that's ok really but we're in touch on Facebook weekly

Thanks so much lotta. Sorry for all the questions.

I just feel really confused and unsure about my situation, but I really feel my relationship with my mother has and does have a negative effect on me. I really want to change it, so it's great to hear how other people have done so.

It seems hard and daunting, but hopefully for the best. I just wish I could be sure that I'm not just very over sensitive and that she is just a 'normal' mum. I guess that's where a trained professional might help?

Guess what Mermaid? I bet every single one of us on this thread has had the same doubts - is it me? Maybe I'm highly strung? Maybe I'm just too sensitive? Too precious about things? She's my mum, she must love me really. I owe it to her to fix this etc etc etc

The thing is, growing up with a mother like mine (ours?), you get very well trained to take other people more seriously than you take yourself, to doubt yourself, to minimise your experiences and to always prioritise other people's needs over your own. And this stuff doesn't get turned off like a switch when you become an adult.

It sounds like you're interested in thinking in more detail about your relationship with your mother. I can't recommend professional support enough - its so hard to gain enough distance and perspective on your own life independently to make progress. If you do decide to see a therapist, they will support you through it 100%, so long as you find one you gel with. It's not unusual for first time therapy clients to say things like 'I'm not sure why I'm here' or ' its nothing specific, I just feel a bit stuck'. If you're at all keen, I would say go for it. You will be totally in control and can stop sessions any time you want. With my own experience, it involves going to dark, grim, scary places emotionally and I have been incredibly glad of having professional support with it all.

One thing i found useful was understanding that there are often shades of grey. Different truths which may be equally valid. So if your upbringing was harsh in some way for you, then this IS real for you (ie you are not being oversensitive) But for a sibling/parent, the same experience from a different viewpoint/family role may be viewed more favorably. I failed to get my dm to see the light. It hurts me still. But i am coming round to feeling more peaceful about it all.

Totally agree with lottapianos

I don't have an easy relationship with my mum ... almost all my friends have good or great relationships with their mums which makes me a bit envious at times!

I am in exactly the same position! However, I am the only person I know of in real life in this situation, my friends all have quite good relationships with their mothers, not best friends but spend enjoyable time with them. I find it very difficult to try to explain to anyone, including hubby, why I decided to cut contact. I was met with such incredulity and comments such as "but she's your mother!" Now I simply say 'she's not a very nice person' and leave it at that.

I know, it's hard. Deep societal shame attached to this : ( i do have a couple of friends who get it, but like you, vast majority judge me for what actually are her failings. Deeply unfair but no changing it.