How common is it to have a difficult relationship with your mother?

[mermaid101]

I've posted many times about my troubled relationship with my mother.

I've been given some great advice here and based on this, have done a lot of thinking and a bit of reading about this.

I am currently reading Toxic Families by Susan Forward and have found it useful. She suggests confronting your parents about the past, in the hope you can change how you feel/react. This is something I am considering.

However, I have discussed this with several of my friends and it would appear that the majority have fairly difficult relationships with our mothers. Collectively, we have struggled to think of many people who do have "good" or overwhelming positive relationships with our mothers.

It made me wonder if I'm maybe being a bit over sensitive and perhaps it is just the way of the world and that many/most (?) people have difficulties with their parents?

I'm not sure how you could quantify this really. I just wondered if this thought had ever occurred to anyone else?

It is rare I think. I am nc with mine and have been for nearly 10 years. I do not discuss it with many people especially those who have "normal" mums as they cannot relate to it at all. On friends goes on about "what if she dies" and nothing is resolved. I have held back saying that I will be glad in some ways. It will not be a happy ending, but my life is better without her in it. Sad though I would have loved a "normal" mum.
As a mum I do the complete opposite of her so she taught me how not to be a mum.

I have no relationship with my mum. I couldn't take the distress anymore so better for me to let it go altogether.

I do have a good relationship with mine but it is on her terms. I have never really know what she thinks of me although she does give me 'feedback' which is usually very complimentary or (this is quite new though, she's obviously been working on it) gentle if it's negative.....it was really difficult growing up. I still jump when I hear noises outside my front door, even though I live alone & it's locked, because I think she's about to burst in angrily about something I've done. Which wouldn't even have got a reaction in my friends' parents. She also has very strict ideas about things, I am more relaxed and yet I feel super guilty every time I make choices she wouldn't approve of. The things she says she blames herself for are not the things I would choose to blame her for (if I hadn't made the decision to try and let those things go and not bring them up). If I would ever bring anything up that she hadn't already felt guilty for she would get hugely defensive and I'm the same way, so I see how it plays out in your mind and don't blame her.....

But she is a great mum and a great person. Even when I was a kid I preferred the idea of her, with all the drama, to the idea of my having one of my friends' perfect mums who seemed to live for their kids and seemed more intuitive. Because she was her own person and her 'struggling' with her kid was proof of that to me, it told me that needing distance was a real Thing. She needed to separate herself from the expectations that existed of her as a mother and she managed, I always saw her as a person first and someone to fulfil a motherly role (a very close) second. Not saying she prioritised herself, not at all (I think talking of prioritising in families is a bit of a red herring and just not useful, quite often leading to unfair blame)....but she had so many interests and really worked on her personal development, never stopped. So we all got involved in her obsessions, we all shared in her ambitions, just like she shared in mine, her child's, or my dad's.
(of course it helped that she has a husband who is 100% supportive and in love with her, etc etc, believes strongly in having an equal division of work/energy in a relationship)

However if she came out and actually admitted that she regretted having a kid I would totally understand and since I've gone over that in my mind, the possibility of that being the case, I wish she would just tell me if that's how she feels. It's not the same as not loving your kid.....she is just an independent person and I think she feels I've sort of stolen her what she sees as her best years. Because she is so mysterious and yet as a parent obviously important to me, so I use them as an anchor for all sorts of things inc. how I should see myself, and I just want to know.......

Now I could potentially have kids I feel like the message I'm getting is I need to basically be all sorted and be the person I want to be before I have kids because a) you're not supposed to put focus on yourself when you're a mum and b) you won't have time anyway. Which is crap. But it's what I'm getting. Despite having a mum who modelled something different.

god what a ramble. I'm just avoiding getting started on trawling thru jstor for tortuous articles on Pompidou's foreign policy, I'm sure you'll understand

I don't have a good relationship with mine and it took me until my mid-thirties to realise this, but this was only by observing and not through any conversation with anyone.

Until my mid thirties I thought that it was my fault for being difficult... so it was never going to be a conversation I would start because I was always trying to be a 'better person'. It's possibly something that lots of women hide very well.

Look for 'missing mother' online, a therapists website with some interesting insights.

The impact of having a poor relationship with your mother goes way beyond not having someone to who is there for you - it can affect your career, your relationships, your health. My Mum says, 'I don't know why you have so many problems, you were really good at school', which I was - but I'm like the dog that has been repeatedly kicked, even at almost 50, and have had horrible problems with being socially isolated and bullied.

I think it's more common than people admit - it's not socially acceptable generally to say your mother is toxic) - but definitely not "normal" or typical.

I am aware I have particularly strong friendships with a couple of people who had their own "mother issues". It's not something that other people can understand easily.

Mermaid if there is the slightest chance that your dm is narcissistic, don't confront, as it just won't work.

Many years ago, I was seeing a psychotherapist. He didn't work under supervision, and from something he let slip had unresolved problems with his own mother and hand-picked his clients from a written life history before agreeing to see them.

He wanted me to have a confrontation with dm, but I was too scared to do so, and so I wrote a letter of confrontation.

The contents of the letter, written in deep sorrow from my part, she showed to all and sundry, and ended up in her banning me from her funeral, which still hurts 3 years later, as despite everything she did, I loved her.

There is an interesting book called Boundaries and Relationships, think it may be by Charles Whitfield. In the book there is a comparison between healthy and unhealthy narcissism. There are 2 columns side by side giving facets of each type. DM could have ticked all 10 on the unhealthy side.

I've found that over the years, the people I've been inexplicably drawn to often have extremely unhealthy relationships with their mothers.

A bit like a group of people in a room, and all the ones with an alcoholic parent end up in a smaller group talking to each other.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. She is not malicious, but she is incredibly self involved and selfish. She only cares about me on her terms and in a way that is focused on how whatever I am going through affects her. She is constantly complaining about how terrible her life is (she works part time, is in good health, has a family including an ex husband who is still running around doing her bidding, her own house with no mortgage and plenty of money). She does nothing to actually improve her life, instead expecting that it is everyone else's responsibility to try and make her happy.

I dread her getting older.

My mother is a manic depressive alcoholic. She constantly wants people to praise her, like a child, yet never does the same for others. I couldn't wait to move out & as soon as I could afford to at 19 I was outta there!

I love her for only one reason & that is because she's my mother. I don't like her, she is a miserable person & delights in other people misery. I hate....and I mean hate, her spending time with DD. I hate that she try's to get her 'on side' & always tries to undermine me with her. I try to spend as little time with her as possible, but I'm not NC because I still want a relationship with my wonderful stepdad (how he puts up with her I'll never understand!) & my brothers who still live with her.

I would never treat DD the way she has treated me in the past.

Thanks for the recommendation tv. I'm going to try that book. Having read quite a lot about it, I think there is a very good chance that my mother is a narcissist. She displays lots of traits and has fallen out with her siblings, parents, neighbours and friends.

Despite this, I find it hard to trust mt own judgement on her. Sometimes she is fine and good company. I have two small children and she can be very helpful.

I'm interested to hear that some people decided not to "confront" their mothers. I'm not sure i feel confident doing that, but the Susan forward book was very much advocating this course.

I have always had a strained relationship with my mother. We were nc until a recent family tragedy. Now I find myself wanting to sympathise with her but at the same time wondering if it was in part due to her and if there is more to the story than what I know. It's a strange situation. I wouldn't wish what she has been through on anyone but then I have a niggle in the back of my mind telling me it's probably not just black and white

Mermaid, with confronting, you have to think seriously about how she is likely to respond. Will she be able to listen to you? To really hear you and try to understand you? To reflect on what you say and to imagine how you must be feeling? Will she want to work to put things right?

If no to any of these things, think how painful it would be not to get what you need from her, yet again. I knew there was no chance my parents would ever hear what I had to say, so I haven't confronted them and I never will. I'm working very hard on detaching from them instead. Its very painful but I have a wonderful therapist and I'm getting there.

This is a time to put yourself first and to choose the least painful course of action for you

Thanks lotta

I'm not sure that she would listen properly. I think she would become hysterical and shout about how ungrateful I am etc.

I'm very slowly starting to put bounderies up. She is very critical of me and my husband. When she starts showing her disapproval I have started saying "well that's how we do things" which is a big step.

Can I ask how you found your therapist? It seems this has been helpful to you? How long have you been seeing them for?

Good for you. Its all about the boundaries. Go with your gut feeling about confronting her - it sounds like she would react the way lots of toxic people would, by turning it all back on you. This would get you nowhere.

I cannot say enough about my therapist. I would not have been able to get to this point without professional help. I found her by doing a Google search for psychotherapists in my local area and took a chance on her! I got very lucky - not all therapists are equal and you've got to find one you trust and feel comfortable with. I've been seeing her for over 5 years and will be seeing her for some time to come.

A slight word of warning - being in therapy is the most painful thing I've ever done. It has involved taking the lid off a box of incredibly complex and diffucult emotions, getting in touch with pain and rage that I didn't know I had and its been overwhelming at times. However its also by far the best money I have ever spent on myself and the best thing I've ever done for myself. I am becoming a calmer, more contented person from the inside out. I would recommend it to anyone, so long as you're not looking for a quick fix (which doesn't exist anyway!) I'll stop gushing now

I also have a difficult relationship with my mum but we have prolonged periods of getting along okay - as PP have said, on her terms. Then something happens - she has a bad day or there is a family 'crisis' (something very minor) - and it all kicks off.

I think it is relatively common for mums and daughters to have difficult relationships but it is not widely discussed. Only my closest friends know my difficulties and even then I can only discuss it with them at certain times. I think if you have a normal relationship with your own mother the idea of a toxic relationship is completely unimaginable. I too have had unhlepful comments such as 'what if she dies?' And 'but she's your mum!'. I think there is an assumption that you must be exaggerating or being oversensitive. Or an expectation that you ought to forgive ypur mum anything.

I don't have a difficult relationship with my mother, principally because I don't see her. She was physically and sexually abusive. She used to try and drown me in cold water baths. Loads of naked humiliation etc. it was her hatred for herself.

I read that Susan Forward book too and was afraid of the confrontation.

What I'd say to your question is that yes, many people do have difficult relationships with their parents. I read somewhere that the point of parenting is to make your children independent of you as soon as possible. So able to make their own decisions, trust themselves, choose for themselves etc. I think that some mothers don't give up controlling and criticising and they think this is alright. It leads to the friction that we ask, is it me? about. I don't think it is you.

Re confrontation, it can be good because it means you have your say after all these years and you draw a line in the sand. But what other people have said is true....they don't sdmit, they do deny and cry, shout, counter accuse etc. but the point is that you say how you feel. I did it in two letters to my mother. I went from abject fear of her to standing up to her (petrified at the time) to realising that, in sending that last letter where I said 'You did this, this and this to me and I REMEMBER) and she completely backed down. It turned the tables in one fell swoop.

I don't think that it is the way of the world that mothers don't get on with their children. I think it is a dysfunction and it needs to be named, and it's alright for you to name it and for her to never own up.

My mother's a cow, for reasons I can't go into online.

I havn't had anything to do with my mother for about 15 years (I'm 29). She's a big time alcoholic and was abusive towards my brother and I throughout childhood. I could never have friends over, the neighbours would often call the police on her and they would take her away and she was physically violent towards us and especially towards my step father. Since my brother and I left to go to our dad's when it really got bad it's as if we were nothing but a hindrance in her life. She doesn't know anything about her two grand children even so it would be a long shot if she ever got to meet them. Doesn't know I'm married and to be honest I don't even know if she is still alive

i'm also nc with my very toxic mother. I would say don't confront - I did it with mine, in a really minor way about one small part of her behaviour, and she hasn't spoken to me since. There's no way she would have listened or even believed me about everything else.

I think many people do have difficult relationships with their mothers in RL, but I don't know anyone else who is estranged from their mother.

Interesting thread

The further into NC I get with my mother the more often it comes up with friends and the more I am surprised by the amount of people who have or know someone with a deeply unpleasant mother.

Can I ask for those of you who have chosen not to confront, but have distanced yourself or started to enforce boundaries, how was that received? Did your mothers notice and comment on it?

Lotta, could I ask another question about your therapy? Did you go because of your relationship with your mother, or was it other things? Also, do you have any siblings? Do they know about you going to your therapist?

Sorry, another question!

For those of you who do have a good relationship with your mothers, how is it if you need to put a boundary in place or discuss their actions with them?

I'm going to have to speak to my mum about something this week, and I really don't know how it will go.

She picked my niece up from school the other day and my mum told me that my niece was not well behaved and that she had a "set to" with her. My niece was reduced to tears by it. She is six. Based on how I have heard my mum speaking to her and how she behaved with us when we were young, she was probably very shouty, and said some quite negative things to her.

I'm going to tell my mum that i would absolutely not be ok with her doing this to my children.

She is very, very rarely unattended with them , but I feel it is very important for me to make this point/establish this boundary.

In answer to your first question, my mother slagged me off viciously to my brother and he told me what she'd said. So the next time she phoned (a day our so later) I didn't pick up. She went totally nuclear, totally batshit. Bombarded me with phone calls, nasty stroppy e mails and voice mails. Then everything stopped and she sold her house and left the country last week, all without speaking to me. I don't expect I'll ever hear from her again. My DC of 6 and 3 are her only gc.