Men and sex in relationships

[IrianofWay]

"In fact, I would argue that for many men, myself included, a woman's skill in all the other areas of life means very little when it comes to the cloud of this issue. I have seen it first hand. A woman will try to 'make up' for something lacking sexually by being a better...cook, cleaner, conversationalist, mother, etc. All of those things are nice to have in a woman who is already sexually fulfilling a man. But if the sex department isn't good, none of that other stuff really matters."

Have taken this almost verbatim from a relationships forum. I have seen this sentiment in many different form on there but this seems to sum it up. BTW "something lacking sexually" according the the other posts on the thread means not being prepared to do certain sex acts or not being enthusiastic enough, rather than never having sex. It's being given as a reason for infidelity in certain cases.

What this seems to be saying that no matter what a woman does, no matter how much or how little she personally enjoys sex (the right KIND of sex no less), no matter how much of herself she pours into the other areas of her relationship, no matter how many other things she may want or simply HAVE to put effort into (parenthood and career for example) her mans penis and her attention to it is the most important thing in her marriage.

Fucking depressing! Is that the way most men really feel? Or have I just been living in cloud cuckoo land all these years?

Have you ever met a woman who tried to 'make up' for 'something lacking sexually' by being a 'better cook, cleaner, conversationalist'?

Nope? Neither has he. He probably doesn't know any women, like an awful lot of men on the net.

As a man, let me say that this guy's approach sounds wrong to me. To me, sex isn't something my wife does for me, it's something we do for each other. If the 'sex department isn't good' it could be related to all kinds of issues, and I would see it as my responsibility (as well as hers) to look into it and see what we could change that might improve things.

What. A. Knob.

Intelligent contribution there.

On which forum did you find this gem ?

What I find fascinating us how it has to be the woman who isn't in the right kind if sec or isn't good enough or enthusiastic enough.
As if men could never be good enough or never have issues with erection or never aren't up for it etc.

In effect that sort if comment us based in the dyes that men love sex and can't possibly live wo it whereas women aren't really into sex, don't enjoy it etc.

Hmm talk about stereotype...,

Oh yes and women are only here to satisfy the sexual urges of men. Apart from that they aren't good at anything else so art from cleaning maybe??

He's an idiot - thankfully not all men are!

It's rubbish. It may be true for him but it's not true for all.

It's like saying all women want a rich man.

I had a difficult conversation with DP over the weekend where he admitted that once a month sex was enough for him and I promptly burst into tears as it's nowhere near enough for me. I am terrified that we will drift into a sexless relationship once we stop TTC and he will be happy and I will be crawling the walls. I have told him that if this happens there is a chance I will look for comfort elsewhere as I don't want to have a sexless life, considering I was a VERY late starter in the first place. He has taken this onboard and said he will try to initiate more often at all, ever

I assume that everyone on here will say we must split up or I must accept a relationship with no sex. I feel like I have developed an insight into what many men are experiencing and it's fucking horrible.

If someone's shit in bed then no amount of being excellent at anything else will stop them being shit in bed!

Is there any way he would be open to an arrangement where you stay together but you might have a little leeway to 'look for comfort elsewhere'? This kind of thing can work well, as long as the terms are laid out and agreed upon beforehand. If there is enough good in the relationship to be worth salvaging, maybe give it a try. (But if things are generally crap across the board, it might be another story.)

(Oops, meant to post that in a different thread....apologies)

He sounds a knob. I can't get too excited or wound up over the views of one knob.

There is a thread on here at the moment though where a woman has just dumped a man partially due to his ED issues - mostly actually because of the behaviour that accompanied it, but it was still the crux of the thread and in fact there were various Mr Floppy type jokes that were funny deemed acceptable.

OP thats not the way most men feel and whoever wrote that is a knob

For me sex needs to be enjoyed by both of us and i actually dont really enjoy it if my DW comes across as only going through the motions to keep me happy

fiveyears he is the most wonderful man, I adore him, he adores me, we have a son who is the light of our lives. It's a quandary, and one for me to think about in the future I think.

My post was really to just say I don't think it's a 'man thing' it's a 'relationship thing'. Yes perhaps men on the whole have the higher sex drive post children and so are the ones griping about it online, but it's certainly not an exclusively male dilemma. Having a sexless relationship is pretty crap all round if one partner is not happy with that dynamic.

NENM -- Fair enough. Just thought I'd mention it, because a couple I know quite well have a similarly imbalanced sexual dynamic, and they have solved it by opening their relationship. Not as in 'hanging around swingers parties and dodgy websites' but just as in trusting each other and remaining committed to each other but also playing around safely & separately once in a while (her more than him). It really seems to be working for them, and they are much happier.

five I think that idea sounds really sensible on paper and I'm pleased it seems to be working for your friends. I reality I suspect what might start off as an occasional sex itch being scratched could very easily end up as a physical and emotional affair and obviously the end result could mean the end of the primary relationship.

What I'm hoping will happen is my sec drive will disappear on me as I age and I'll end up exceedingly grateful that I don't have a partner who pesters me constantly

All of those things are nice to have in a woman who is already sexually fulfilling a man.

These are differentiating features in a female product that is successfully providing the primary benefit of sexual fulfilment for the man that owns/leases it.

The guy who wrote that is a mansplainy douchebag who talks about women like they are products.

"The guy who wrote that is a mansplainy douchebag who talks about women like they are products."

Yep.

Hmm.

Why do I feel irritated that someone should think that as a woman I should be sexually fulfilling a man? Is it because I think he should be sexually fulfilling me? No. Its because I think we should be sexually fulfilling each other, mutually, in communication. I don't think he should view sex as comparable with household chores, any more than I'd think 'Oh, he's no good in bed but he cleans the car like nothing on earth'.

The man quoted in the opening post is saying of himself 'For me, the only thing that matters is that I get the kind of sex I like whenever I want it.' Well, hey. he can make his choice. And a whole world of women can choose not to be with him.

The man who wrote it is, as far as I can tell over the internet, a knob of the highest order. A paragon of knobdom. However.... it's a sentiment I have seen expressed by others. Which is why it shocked me. Hence posting on here. I do feel a bit bad about posting someone else's comments but no name no pack drill etc.

What a stupid idea to think most men think/feel this way (whether you are a woman or man who thinks this). Men are just as individual as women.

We wouldn't want men thinking of us a certain way as a sex (just like we don't try and make up for lacking in a sexual manner by improving our cooking, cleaning...etc. Also bullshit) so why bother taking some idiot's sexist comment and thinking that applies to all men? Not all men are sex hungry jerks just like not all women are hairy pitted feminists who think men only want one thing :)

We're all individuals, with different needs. As simple as that really.

In my opinion any relationship is in difficulties when it becomes an accounting exercise of who does what for whom. It's when both parties to the relationship are more excited about what they can give that it works really well, and then there's no need to keep count.

Whether one counts sexual preferences against domestic chores, etc, etc, is rather incidental when set against the more fundamental issue.

NewEraNewMindset - "Having a sexless relationship is pretty crap all round if one partner is not happy with that dynamic."

If one partner is not happy then - ideally - the other partner should not be happy either. From that compassion and empathy there is the potential for a solution.