Is my marriage over?

[Esssss]

I don't know where to begin with this one really. My dh and I had a whirlwind romance 3 years ago and got married 14 months after meeting one another. We've now got a 1 year old as well so things have happened fast in our relationship. Anyway, my husband works periods of very long anti social hours and 6 days a week. I haven't gone back to work yet but am looking for work. To cut a long story short, I'm depressed and resentful about our situation. I feel incredibly restricted in the type of work I can apply for because of my husbands hours. I'm ashamed to say I don't enjoy being a SAHM...I love my little boy but I always presumed I'd be back at work by now. I'm really struggling to put a brave face on it and it's majorly affecting my relationship. We ALWAYS have a big argument on his one day off. He says he's sick of seeing me down and depressed and doesn't understand how I can be resentful of a situation that we put ourselves in. I feel like he thinks I'm a shit mother and a bit of a lost cause in terms of contributing to the household--but then maybe that's just the way I'm feeling about myself. I get very little help with ds. My family live in another country and I don't have any close friends that I can confide in....I have friends but I'm a very private person and don't feel comfortable sharing with them. Dh family help out occasionally but there are other kids that need attention too and I don't feel like I can ask for help in the same way I would ask my family for help. And then there's the whole issue about whether I still love my dh (I'm not sure if I do) we have no sex life, I have no sex drive and have had a lot of pain since giving birth. Anyway, I feel like a burden to my husband and am questioning whether we'd be better off apart.

Don't worry about if you rushed into marriage etc. he is struggling. So are you. Marriagebuilders.com (google if not right) is a good resource and has questionnaires you and your DH can do to highlight what you each need to feel supported.

Wow, the points you both made about seeing this as a temporary tough time has really hit home for me. We both feel hard done by at the moment. I think a day or even half a day at childcare would make a massive difference to me. We can't afford it but I think for the sake of my sanity, maybe he should see it as an investment. I'm going to google marriage builders now. Thanks again for all the responses. I really really do appreciate it. I was feeling quite desperate.

I think that statistically a couple is most likely to break up during the first year of parenthood. Its a very hard adjustment for most couples, but think about it and its pretty obvious:

• there are suddenly three of you and three's a crowd;
• the baby is getting most of the attention and so the couple neglect each other;
• you're both sleep deprived;
• most couples are minus a salary or part of a salary so there may be money worries;
• there is real pressure on the breadwinner to provide for at least three people, after just providing for him/herself up to that point;
• the SAH partner often feels isolated and unsupported;
• the working partner often feels stressed and under pressure;
• the home is no longer a calm place to retreat to;
• instead of being two people who work and spend their evenings/weekends doing nice things together, suddenly you're spending your weeks entirely differently and by the weekend you both want a break, but don't get it, because no one takes your baby away at the weekends to give you that.

And that's before you add in the SAH partner returning/wanting to return to work and the additional pressures of childcare that arise.

OP

I think you have to acknowledge that you knew about your husbands working hours when you met, therefore I have to think you realised your own shift work would not be compatible with normal childcare providers? Ok so you knew that but you don't like the reality of it.

Firstly I would say don't keep looking to your dh to solve your problems. I mean yes it's ok to share the problem etc but here I feel as though you are asking the impossible of him. What do you want him to do? Could he actually do something that he isn't already doing?

Something he could do is get his family to agree to have your baby for a couple of hours each week on a set day so you have that free time.

Also if you have to work shifts I'm not sure how you will ever get a job as even without your dp who will babysit then?

Pers

Personally I think the problem is your shift work. Change that and you will be able to return to work regardless if you stay with your dp or not

I did know about my partners working hours when I met him. But I also had my own career and social life so it didn't bother me. I was also in love with who I thought was my soulmate and wasn't thinking about the consequences of that. My husbands working pattern isn't the reason that I'm worried about whether our marriage is going to work, it just adds an extra layer of pressure
In a way, it's almost easier when he is working cause I'm just focusing on my son - is that really selfish of me?
Am I asking too much of my husband? Maybe I am. He used to be my best friend and I used to be his.
Am I wrong to not just pretend I'm happy go lucky when he has a day off, just so that it's easier for him? This is why I'm so confused

it would be unfair of me to say dh wouldn't support me whenever I do find work cause he would.

How would he support you? Would he take equal responsibility for sourcing childcare and transporting your child to and from?

Also, I'm trying to get my head around his time commitments. He works on 6 days a week, every week? What hours? What leisure time does he get?

He wouldn't help with sourcing childcare but he would help with dropping off/picking up when he could.

He doesn't do those crazy hours all the time. About once a month he has a very busy period lasting around 2weeks. This year those periods seem to be back to back though. He is supposed to be quiet mid December and has some time off over Christmas. However he has been freelancing during his holidays this year too so he does work his arse off. He is due a break...

Obviously after your phone call today you've got a bit of talking to do, but when things are calmer I think you need to make plans for these "quieter times" - time as a family and some down time for each of you. Please ensure that chores are redistributed for these days too.

How are you today?