Is my marriage over?

[Esssss]

I don't know where to begin with this one really. My dh and I had a whirlwind romance 3 years ago and got married 14 months after meeting one another. We've now got a 1 year old as well so things have happened fast in our relationship. Anyway, my husband works periods of very long anti social hours and 6 days a week. I haven't gone back to work yet but am looking for work. To cut a long story short, I'm depressed and resentful about our situation. I feel incredibly restricted in the type of work I can apply for because of my husbands hours. I'm ashamed to say I don't enjoy being a SAHM...I love my little boy but I always presumed I'd be back at work by now. I'm really struggling to put a brave face on it and it's majorly affecting my relationship. We ALWAYS have a big argument on his one day off. He says he's sick of seeing me down and depressed and doesn't understand how I can be resentful of a situation that we put ourselves in. I feel like he thinks I'm a shit mother and a bit of a lost cause in terms of contributing to the household--but then maybe that's just the way I'm feeling about myself. I get very little help with ds. My family live in another country and I don't have any close friends that I can confide in....I have friends but I'm a very private person and don't feel comfortable sharing with them. Dh family help out occasionally but there are other kids that need attention too and I don't feel like I can ask for help in the same way I would ask my family for help. And then there's the whole issue about whether I still love my dh (I'm not sure if I do) we have no sex life, I have no sex drive and have had a lot of pain since giving birth. Anyway, I feel like a burden to my husband and am questioning whether we'd be better off apart.

[MaybeDoctor]

How are you today?

[Vivacia]

Obviously after your phone call today you've got a bit of talking to do, but when things are calmer I think you need to make plans for these "quieter times" - time as a family and some down time for each of you. Please ensure that chores are redistributed for these days too.

[Esssss]

He wouldn't help with sourcing childcare but he would help with dropping off/picking up when he could.

He doesn't do those crazy hours all the time. About once a month he has a very busy period lasting around 2weeks. This year those periods seem to be back to back though. He is supposed to be quiet mid December and has some time off over Christmas. However he has been freelancing during his holidays this year too so he does work his arse off. He is due a break...

[Vivacia]

it would be unfair of me to say dh wouldn't support me whenever I do find work cause he would.

How would he support you? Would he take equal responsibility for sourcing childcare and transporting your child to and from?

Also, I'm trying to get my head around his time commitments. He works on 6 days a week, every week? What hours? What leisure time does he get?

[Esssss]

I did know about my partners working hours when I met him. But I also had my own career and social life so it didn't bother me. I was also in love with who I thought was my soulmate and wasn't thinking about the consequences of that. My husbands working pattern isn't the reason that I'm worried about whether our marriage is going to work, it just adds an extra layer of pressure
In a way, it's almost easier when he is working cause I'm just focusing on my son - is that really selfish of me?
Am I asking too much of my husband? Maybe I am. He used to be my best friend and I used to be his.
Am I wrong to not just pretend I'm happy go lucky when he has a day off, just so that it's easier for him? This is why I'm so confused

[Quitelikely]

Personally I think the problem is your shift work. Change that and you will be able to return to work regardless if you stay with your dp or not

[Quitelikely]

OP

I think you have to acknowledge that you knew about your husbands working hours when you met, therefore I have to think you realised your own shift work would not be compatible with normal childcare providers? Ok so you knew that but you don't like the reality of it.

Firstly I would say don't keep looking to your dh to solve your problems. I mean yes it's ok to share the problem etc but here I feel as though you are asking the impossible of him. What do you want him to do? Could he actually do something that he isn't already doing?

Something he could do is get his family to agree to have your baby for a couple of hours each week on a set day so you have that free time.

Also if you have to work shifts I'm not sure how you will ever get a job as even without your dp who will babysit then?

Pers

[juneau]

I think that statistically a couple is most likely to break up during the first year of parenthood. Its a very hard adjustment for most couples, but think about it and its pretty obvious:

• there are suddenly three of you and three's a crowd;
  
• the baby is getting most of the attention and so the couple neglect each other;
  
• you're both sleep deprived;
  
• most couples are minus a salary or part of a salary so there may be money worries;
  
• there is real pressure on the breadwinner to provide for at least three people, after just providing for him/herself up to that point;
  
• the SAH partner often feels isolated and unsupported;
  
• the working partner often feels stressed and under pressure;
  
• the home is no longer a calm place to retreat to;
  
• instead of being two people who work and spend their evenings/weekends doing nice things together, suddenly you're spending your weeks entirely differently and by the weekend you both want a break, but don't get it, because no one takes your baby away at the weekends to give you that.
  

And that's before you add in the SAH partner returning/wanting to return to work and the additional pressures of childcare that arise.

[Esssss]

Wow, the points you both made about seeing this as a temporary tough time has really hit home for me. We both feel hard done by at the moment. I think a day or even half a day at childcare would make a massive difference to me. We can't afford it but I think for the sake of my sanity, maybe he should see it as an investment. I'm going to google marriage builders now. Thanks again for all the responses. I really really do appreciate it. I was feeling quite desperate.

[Favouritepants]

Don't worry about if you rushed into marriage etc. he is struggling. So are you. Marriagebuilders.com (google if not right) is a good resource and has questionnaires you and your DH can do to highlight what you each need to feel supported.

[rb32]

Before chucking the towel in, bear in mind that things will change as your child gets older. His job situation may change, you may find the ideal job to work around childcare/school. Maybe you do just need to grit your teeth and get on with it for the time being. Nothing is set in stone and it won't be like this forever.

He obviously finds it hard to deal with your issues. He probably sees it as 'I work all hours all week long and when I get home I have a wife who's constantly miserable and doesn't even want sex'. You see it as living a miserable isolated existance with a husband who has no sympathy. You need to learn to meet in the middle, he needs to be tolerant of your state of mind, whilst you need to try accept that he works very long hours six days a week and this currently restricts your options.

[Favouritepants]

I should point out that this period in life with young children is really tough! Don't give up on your marriage. In time, the picture may look very different, once you have a better balance in life (and more sleep!)

Have you looked for childminders? Can you afford a half day or day a week to get your head together?

Ideas: work in education, pubs and restaurants, self employment (any business ideas, skills you can sell as a freelance).

[Esssss]

I think there are two issues here, one of them is the work thing and it would be unfair of me to say dh wouldn't support me whenever I do find work cause he would. Not working is part of the reason I'm so down but the other major issue is whether my husband and I are actually good for each other, do we love each other? Did we rush into things? If we didn't get married would we have broken up a long time ago? Can he love me unconditionally when I'm at a low ebb? Can I try not to take all my frustrations out on him?

[MaybeDoctor]

I posted earlier but my phone lost it, giving some examples of high-flying fathers at our old nursery who were doing drop-off on a regular basis.

He can't have it both ways - moan about being sole provider yet do nothing to enable you to work.

[WorkingBling]

I think you're getting good advice here. I also think you need to turn the discussion with your DH around so rather than being unhappy and miserable, tell him firmly that you want to discuss together how, as a couple, you can solve the problem. It does sound like he is somewhat unsympathetic, but, giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps if he seems you want to find a solution that works for everyone, he will be more supportive.

To that end, you need to find a job that is set hours and/or a short commute. I don't know what you did before, but I think a lot of office and retail type work can be very set hours and would allow you to manage appropriate childcare. Also, if you use a childminder, you may be able to find one that either starts a bit earlier or finishes a bit later, allowing you more flexibility in finding a job.

Also, and this one is contentious, I think that men need to start stepping up. I worked in the city, at a relatively senior level and DH was a SAHD when I went back to work. However, I was absolutely religious about leaving "early" at 6pm on the day DH had his hobby. And surprisingly, people took it quite well. They saw I was there the rest of the time. And also, in a genuine crisis situation, DH accepted that he'd have to skip that week. There was a man who sat opposite me whose arrangement with his wife was that twice a week he did the school run. It meant he got in "late" at 9:10 on those days, but as he had his blackberry and planned around it, I am not sure anyone even noticed. And this was in a very high pressured, stressful and unfamily-friendly environment.

[Esssss]

Sorry I'm in a bit of a mess, can't think rationally. Think I need to go an have a cup of tea and calm down. And then approach it with a clearer head.

[juneau]

Don't give up on your marriage over a phone call. It sounds like you're both under a lot of stress at the moment and emotions are heightened, but do you honestly think that its unsalvageable? Do you really think you'd be better off apart?

I like to write lists when I'm in a bit of a mess. It might help you to write one with the qualities you married him for. Do they still apply? Did you want the same things from life back then? Do you now? Do you want to work at this? Does he? Would you both be prepared to go to Relate or similar to work through your differences? Can you afford to separate right now?

There are so many things to think about. Don't let an angry and emotional phone call be the end unless its what you both really want.

[Esssss]

I've just had a phone call with dh. He says he's done everything to make me happy and it's not good enough. He just wants a simple life. He's a complex character and so am I so I told him if he wants to have a simple life he needs to be with a simpler person which he agreed with so I guess that's it. Shit.

[Esssss]

Thanks Vivacia x

[Vivacia]

You don't sound like a victim to me, btw. You sound very strong to have made this far.

[Vivacia]

Hmm. I am not impressed with his unloving, unkind reaction.

Time to look to yourself.

Would a short shift at a pub or hotel or shop be an option?

[Esssss]

It only matter if I can't find a job that will facilitate that i.e that I can leave on time to pick him up. I think you're right though I do need to work on my own happiness.

[Twinklestein]

Not talking to friends doesn't help, it contributes to a sense of isolation.
Better that than endless arguments with your husband.

Does it matter if you have to do drop offs and pick ups for childcare? If working makes you feel better, it's a small price to pay.

[Esssss]

Bored out of my brains and exhausted just about sums it up!