What would you do if you thought your dp was an alcoholic?

[merrygoround]

Three weeks ago I asked my dp to leave, at the time because he was getting more and more nasty to me (in non-violent ways) and I was feeling at breaking point and needed some space. Also the atmosphere was not one I wanted dd (2 yrs) exposed to any longer, as I felt so drained from arguments and resentment that I knew I was not able to be the mum I want to be.

Anyway, it was a nightmare, but as each day passed after he eventually left a week later I began to see things about our whole relationship that I'd never realised before- denial, I believe they call it... to the point where I came to the conclusion that behind many of the problems was his drinking habit.

To cut a long story short I am now almost 100% convinced that he is an alcoholic - dependent on drink in an out of control way. But there is maybe 1% of me that wonders if I am over-reacting, and I wondered if anyone here has had any experience that may help me to cope. I have been to one Al Anon meeting, which despite its use of Higher Powers (a bit alien to me) I found really helpful, but I can't get to meetings very often and feel like I really want information from others who have been / are in similar situations.

Having an alcohol limit is one of the classic signs of being an alcoholic.It is not normal to have to do this and you will be forever watching for them to go over it.The only way for people like this is to stop completely

Merrygoround, your last post made me feel so sad, and I like so many others know how you are feeling...I am so sorry you are having to go through this too.

I am concerned (re earlier post) that your dp is employed as a driver. He would lose his job and be prosecuted if he is found over the limit after an accident (whether his fault or not).

You said "How can I possibly parent a child by myself?", the answer is you CAN do this alone - I have - without a lot of support - and you can too. You are a strong, intelligent woman and a great Mum, and you are doing what is best for you and your dd. You will get through this, and if you have help along the way, even better.

I will do a search later for agencies which support significant others like yourself later on, however, where abouts in London do you live? Do you have transport etc.

In the meantime, I hope you have had a good sleep or at least a relax and can see things more clearly now. This is NOT your fault and you will instinctively find the energy and the drive to deal with this problem, and one day be able to look back and know you are stronger for it.

Stay strong, we are thinking of you. xx

I am grateful that people have taken the trouble to post. I am struck by posts about the "futility" of setting limits on alcohol, and also by what you said goosey, about being true to myself (or words to that effect).

The limit on alcohol is an artificial way of trying to highlight an issue that dp and I have never discussed, ie his drinking. My dad used to say he thought it was outrageous that the state tried to dictate how much a person could drink before they drove - his opinion was that adults knew their own limits. I always thought he was an idiot for that view - IMO, alcohol has the power to make you think you are in control when in fact your responses are slower and your reactions to stress less predictable. DP also likes to think that he knows when to stop, and that he is a good judge of when he's had enough, but I've seen enough of him to be in NO doubt that he is wrong.

By challenging him in this very blatant way I hope that he will give much more serious thought to his drinking, and maybe eventually realise that there is no need at all for him to drink while dd is with him, unless it is a drink with a meal perhaps. Whether he is CAPABLE of not drinking around dd remains to be seen - last week was only a beginning. I feel I need to give him the chance to prove himself, and perhaps I am a fool for that. It's back to that 1% doubt in my mind I guess.

Chocol8, thanks for picking up on my anxiety about being a single parent. I had not realised just how much it scares me until last night. When I first posted I was on an adrenaline high, and so full of determination that I felt anything was possible. But dp has been round a lot and spending (at last) proper quality time with dd, and it has been really upsetting me to think she might lose that.

Just to finish, I rang dp this morning, rightly or wrongly, and said that I was sorry the evening had been so appalling. I was not apologising, but I told him that I knew he had never wanted it to turn out that way, any more than I had. I explained that I didn't feel that my grumpiness was comparable with his abandonment of both me and dd to drink, but made it clear that whatever he decides - drink or me - I will not hate him for his choice as long as he continues to be good with dd. I told him that I thought we owed it to dd to try counselling as it was obvious we had too many problems to sort out without a 3rd party to help us, but made it clear that he had to want it too. I also suggested that he needs to PROVE to me that he wants to be there for me, and one way is not to dash off to the pub straight after dd's bath. It will be a lot cheaper than last night's meal to sit and talk to eachother in my living room, and we will quickly find out whether it is painful or pleasant. (Living with someone who is out so much has its advantages, and I may find that he gets on my nerves if he is around more...!).

I've just found this thread, Merrygoround, it's hell, I've been there, my experience was very similar to yours - I didn't actually realise that my xp was an alcoholic until I split from him - he was a secret drinker and very very good at appearing sober. I felt really stupid afterwards, like Jesus, woman, you're really not CID material, are you? I was lucky though, in that my XP had only just begun to allow alcohol to control him - for years, he had been drinking in an "inappropriate" but controlled way, and it was only in the last few weeks of the relationship (when we were splitting up) that he began to lose control. So that's my excuse for not having noticed earlier!

Just a couple of things I'd like to add to all the other brilliant advice on here: with regards to the two pints limit; when I realised the xp could not be trusted with alcohol (and this sounds harsh) I said to him that until the children are old enough to phone me and tell me where they are and how I can get them, he is not allowed unsupervised contact. With an alcoholic, two pints can very easily become six pints followed by a vodka chaser or two, and I know that might sound a bit melodramatic, but I have seen somebody look totally stone-cold sober, totally in control, and then literally 20 minutes later be unconscious because of drink. It may not have happened yet, but rest assured, if your DP carries on abusing alcohol the way he is doing, it will happen. I would personally tell the guy that he can't have drunk any alcohol at all to see his child - why the hell does he need two units of alcohol in his blood system at all times? Why is the thought of being stone cold sober so frightening for him? The most incredible thing is that he's managed to convince you that that is reasonable, and it is just not.
The second thing is about becoming a single mother. I think one of the reasons I was so in denial about my xp's drinking because I desperately didn't want to become a single mother, didn't think I could do it, couldn't envisage it, couldn't contemplate such a terrible failure. But having done it for nearly three years now (and having gone through my second pregnancy alone), I can assure you that I have never had even a single moment's doubt that I did the right thing to throw him out, that I'm doing the right thing to bring up my children without the deadening, life-sapping influence of a man who will always always always prioritise spending time with alcohol above everything else in the world. Don't be afraid - you have had so much courage so far, you'll find more, and you will do it, and you'll do it well. If you have to. Which I hope you don't, but unless your DP faces up pretty damn quick to the fact that he can't face normal life without booze, it really is the better option. Good luck Honey.

Hi Meanbean

Just logged on at work. Thanks for your words - it all helps, especially the inspiration to face single parenthood. I had a weepy lunch with a colleague today and realised that the reason I am suffering at the moment is because dp and I are playing happy families while he still gets away with living more or less his old life. I am seeing him every day - he collects dd from nursery and stays around till he's bathed her; and at weekends we sometimes take her out together. But he has made no move at all to talk with me about our relationship problems and it hurts every time he leaves.

So I have decided that I must bite the bullet and start to separate out our time with dd. It breaks my heart as she loves having us together, but if a final separation is going to happen then it is best to prepare her in this way. And it will mess with my head less. Which is why I am work late - I'll get home to put dd to bed and have minimal contact with dp.

On the 2 pint rule - yes, I agree with what you said. I had not been able to argue this out in my own mind earlier so was just desperately trying to set some boundaries. I told him recently that if dd was older and ever told me that he was drinking around her I would make his life very unpleasant. But at the moment I feel I am stuck with what I said - but still hope that he will drink less. I have a long way to go before I am out of the woods, but the decision to distance myself from him feels right if painful.