dh chcheated

[princesscallie]

My dh has just informed me that earlier in the summer he went out got drunk and kissed another woman. Things progressed and she went down on him. He said he pushed her off then and has felt terrible about it since. He has lost alot of weight in the months following this but i thought it was due to work stress.

Can anyone tell me what i need to do?? Feel numb amd shocked by the whole thing. I must add that at the time it happened we werent getting along very well but relationship has improved hugely in past couple of months.

I hope you are ok OP

Make sure you think about you and what you want and need. The comments regarding being suicidal sound like he could possibly be being incredibly manipulative.

He needs to be honest, which it sounded like he was being, but only up until you said his friends know nothing. How did it happen then? What were the circs? If he met her in a bar / club will he not have been out with his mates? Who will have seen him flirting with and then disappearing off with someone?

Or was this pre- planned on a one to one via tinder etc if his friends have no knowledge?

Well maybe you're more compassionate than me, or more naive, only time will tell, but I wish you well.

Although, for the love of all things good, please at least tell him to quit with the histrionics and think about your feelings over his own guilt.

It's OK if you don't want to ask him to leave but I'd definitely call his bluff and insist that he seek help for his poor judgement and suicidal thoughts. Don't arrange anything and don't remind him, if his remorse is geuine he'll want to invest in ensuring it never happens again.

He could be telling the whole truth or it could be the edited version, right now you don't know and you may never know but his actions have disqualified him from blind trust. He needs to earn your trust and that means actions not just words.

I know you want to believe him and for this not to have happened but it has and what you do now will have an impact on your future. Don't let his 'remorse' overshadow your hurt and don't let the pressure of 'getting back on track' silence you.

Get a STI check.

Since he gets a pass on this one, let's see how fast he puts the weight back on. He should feel some relief and get his appetite back fairly quickly.

If it only happened once why is he being so dramatic? I'm sure most men could sweep it under the carpet. Only once? I think he has been using prostitutes and thought he had caught something or can't stop using them. Hope not but his reaction sounds odd.

It's as if he wants you to take responsibility for it. Weird.

I think everyone deserves a second chance. If you love him and want to be with him, give him one. He sounds very contrite and there is much to be said for his confessing of his own accord.

However, actions speak louder than words. Once you've given him that chance, he needs to demonstrate through his behaviour that it will never happen again.

Of course, by its nature, "trust" means you might never know if he does do it again, but that is a risk you run in any relationship.