dh chcheated

[princesscallie]

My dh has just informed me that earlier in the summer he went out got drunk and kissed another woman. Things progressed and she went down on him. He said he pushed her off then and has felt terrible about it since. He has lost alot of weight in the months following this but i thought it was due to work stress.

Can anyone tell me what i need to do?? Feel numb amd shocked by the whole thing. I must add that at the time it happened we werent getting along very well but relationship has improved hugely in past couple of months.

Nope, there is too much pressure out there for women to be understanding about men's little peccadilloes

Op doesn't have to take my approach but it's an alternative to the RL pressure she is getting to make cheating partner feel better about himself at cost to get own self respect

*her own self respect

No ones saying get over it AF, just that the OP will need to act in a considerate manner- to consider what she wants and how to get it, not to act so hastily she regrets anything.

Acting out of anger and self righteously doesn't get the correct outcome for the OP(or anyone) She needs time to process this and counselling will help her. Chucking her DH out and posturing about on her high horse to please someone else (especially some hardcore LTB brigade members on the internet) may not be her style, and may do her harm in the long run.

The OP needs to consider her options and explore her feelings- she is also worried about the health and sanity of her suicidal DH.
Now tell me how it's correct for anyone if she LTB, chucks him out and he kills himself. Will it mean anything to you?

Life isn't black and white, we live in a fug of grey and making ejaculatory kneejerk statements about black and white actions isn't helpful to anyone imvho.

The OP needs to access her feelings, thoughts and dreams. People find this easier to do if they're true to their own compass, and don't have the sound of the baying pack in their ears.

Ok, so the bad news is that drunken mistakes don't just happen, he didn't drunkenly stumble and end up with his cock in her mouth. You were going through a rough patch and having a small baby can add stress to your life, but presumably things were rough for you too. How many blow jobs have you given to random men during this rough patch? My guess would be none, so his excuses don't really wash do they?

The good news is, he does seem to feel genuine guilt and sorrow over what happened and has admitted what happened without being prompted - many cheaters wouldn't. However, what he's doing is wallowing in his own self-inflicted misery and expecting you to make him feel better, where are your feelings in his list of priorities? What is he doing to make you feel better?

If you stand any chance of over coming this (if you really want to - and you need to REALLY want to) he needs to go so you can think without being clouded by his declarations of love and guilt. Then he needs to accept responsibility for what he did. Taking responsibility does not include blaming booze or blaming the state of your relationship, these are red herrings, they're not the reason he did this, you know that because I assume you also drink and don't give out random blowjobs.

I also agree that the details he's given of his encounter are likely to be somewhat different from the truth.

Af you are brilliant at getting to the nitty gritty of relationship issues and I respect you but you always go in hard and full on. Imo some people respond better to being introduced more gently to an alternative view, that's all.

Could it be that he has lost weight for some other reason and he is terrified it is because he has caught something from this woman.

I do also have the sneaking suspicion that this "another woman" might turn out to be a prostitute he sought out.

You do it your way, I'll do it mine, eh

My point wasn't actually solely about you.

Venus, think about what you just said

If this bloke kills himself, it would be her fault for drawing the line at his sleazy behaviour ?

Really ?

If he did do something like that, the fault would be all his own. Just like if the relationship ended...his actions, his consequences

Emotional blackmail like that is abusive

"My point wasn't actually solely about you."

So, who is this aimed at then: "Af you are brilliant at getting to the nitty gritty of relationship issues and I respect you but you always go in hard and full on."

'Get some self respect' of Dunfermline also says LTB....she went down on him and he pushed her off??? He expects you to believe that he was actually orally raped? Errrr bullshit.

my original point clam.

This is so sad. I can imagine a drunken situation getting out of hand. I think I'd want to know if he'd come or if there had been some fumbling and he pushed away before it had lasted very long. If what he says is true, he's beaten himself up about it.

I really don't like the idea that if you don't immediately kick your husband out then you are bullied by women and then you're alone and feeling awful when you should be feeling supported here.

You take your time. Listen and talk x

Pippin most people here are suggesting she ask him to leave for a while so that she can think clearly, I don't see how that equates to bullying a woman into leaving her husband.

From OP's posts it's very clear that her husband is consciously or unconsciously using his guilt and possible suicidal thoughts to get her to forgive. If she does forgive it has to be on her terms, not because he'll top himself if she doesn't (I doubt he would btw).

Has anyone said op should immediately kick him out for good ?

There are some implying she should forgive him because he might be suicidal, but throw him out permanently ? I haven't seen that

Imagine he hadn't confessed and you'd found out, the vultures would be screaming LTB. He can't win either way can he!

He can't win either way can he!

What? After being unfaithful? No, not really a way of winning with that.

I can imagine a drunken situation getting out of hand.

It was a series of decisions he chose to make. You don't suddenly look down and find somebody giving you oral sex in the middle of a pub do you?

Nobody is saying "You must divorce him now or we'll never reply to your posts again". We're saying, "this is what our combined experience has taught us about the best way to act. Give yourself time and space".

We don't want OP coming back in three months' time, on anti-depressants and fearing for her own sanity because this got swept under the carpet.

He can't win either way can he

... I can't believe I've just read that

He can't really win no, but telling her the truth, professing his regret and asking what he can do to make her feel better would be a start wouldn't it?

OP, I have not read the full thread but..what would make all the difference to me is why he has told you. If he has told you because someone else is about to tell you or it was going to come to light by some means, that would have a different feel to it from if it genuinely has been playing on his mind to the point where it has driven him nuts and he is so stressed he has lost weight and if this sort of thing is totally out of character etc. You know him best so in your shoes I would try and do a bit if investigating to find out if any of his mates know about it and are threatening to spill the beans etc. Until you have the entire truth of this situation, you can't move forward in any meaningful way.

Thanks for all then replies. Sorry was out all day so didmt have a chance to reply. To answer some of the questions raised. It happened in Liverpool and we live a long way from there. He was out with 2 friends that i no pretty well but he says they both knew nothing about it.

There was no chance of me finding out. The weight loss has not improved his appearance...he looks sickly because of it. Definitely not to improve himself..

Alot of you are right in that yes i felt terrible about the problems we were having but no i didn't go out and be with someone else. However the thought did cross my mind. But i didnt act on it. We had talked about getting a divorce previously but as i said things had improved so i thought that was not an issue anymore...

What do you think having read through the replies on your thread?

what he's done is terribly, terribly hurtful.

He did confess up when he could have got away with it, which shows that he does have a conscience (a lot of men frankly don't).

It sounds like he genuinely deeply regrets it.

If you can, given that he really seems to have deeply regretted it ... well. Nearly everyone deserves one second chance. If you can, consider trying to work it out with him. It sounds like you kind of want to. If you don't then fair enough, go your separate ways.

I do think he deserves a second chance. Just one though. I only really posted here because i dont know if i could tell anyone in rl...although ill prob get drunk and blurt it out at some stage... but he is a good dad and mostly a good husband and in the 10yrs we've bn together its the first time that anything like this has ever happened.

I no ul probably say how do i know this and yes its true but ive never had a reason not to trust him before.

He could have easily gotten away with it but he did tell me and yes im sure it has eased his guilt and caused me pain but id rather know where i stood. As they say the truth hurts and this certainly does.