DH being an idiot again!

[ohtheholidays]

Just really need to vent.I am so fed up,we are constantly arguing now and I just need it to stop or for him to sod off and not come back!

Just had another argument(we never used to argue ever)over bloody housework!When ever he does anything(99% of the time) he chooses to do it at the most awkward time possible.
He's just started sorting the laundry,whilst the tumble dryer and washing machine are going and oldest DS has lots of laundry and his bedding to bring down.
So he'll sort all that's dry now(which is rare I'm usually the one that always does it all)and then this evening there will be about another 5 loads that need sorting and he'll moan about that.

Why can't he just use his brain for once and leave it alone till this evening when I would sort it all out like I always do,it takes me all of 30 minutes and there is 7 of us and it doesn't affect anyone else!

Everything else needs doing this morning in the house and none of the other jobs will get added to like the laundry,

I've done lots this morning(I'm seriously ill and disabled)yet he had a go at me for being on the computer for 20 minutes whilst he was doing the sodding laundry(I thought he was playing with our youngest DD7)he's shouted at me this morning that he does everything. HA!

I've done all the kitchen,fridge,microwave,bins and been shopping for Christmas presents online this morning already.

At this rate I can't see us lasting much longer I really can't.

Honestly?

Doesn't sound like the worst crime in the world to me, sorry. Irritating, yes, I agree, but not really grounds for divorce. I have a dh whose idea of sorting the absolute tip of the house out always seems to begin with him deciding his CD collection needs re-alphabeticising. I've tried ridiculing him, as well as ranting and raving about it over the years, and we've kind of agreed to differ on it, and he in turn now ignores me sloping off to MN when I'm meant to be changing the sheets like right now.

So it sounds as if there's a lot else going on as well for you all - you sound over-worked, ill and stressed. If you're furious with him at the moment, then it's probably not the best time for a discussion about it. Maybe later?

I was with your dh until the bit when he shouted at you for being on the computer.

But to be fair, you sound a bit bossy. I pick and choose what tasks I want to undertake too. I wouldn't respond well to being told what I should be doing and when.

It's not the fact of when he did the laundry it's the fact that he would moan(I say moan he would have been ranting and raging at me) later on because there would be more to do,where as I would have been happy to do it all in the evening.

I didn't even try and talk to him about it after he went of on one shouting and banging about.
My oldest DS(18) took me Christmas shopping and we have a lovely lunch out together.
I felt like we needed a break from each other for a while.It worked he was also really amazed that I went out without him.
It's the first time in about 2 years because of my disability's and my health being so bad.

I'm going to start trying to get out with out him at least a few times a year.Hopefully it will stop him acting like I need him,rather than the true fact of wanting to be with him.

Ok so he's clearly not good at the laundry but what about tasking him with something else.

When me and dh see there's tidying to be done, we just go at it together as a team until it's all done. Then we sit and enjoy the evening together.

I do what I can during the day then on an evening it's just whats left of it that we do together, though I must admit I don't let him near the laundry! I don't trust him with it!

I can't he'll just have a go at me.He does what he wants to do when he wants to.

The thing is,it's not I won't do any housework I do it all the time.It's that I'm not supposed to(maybe I should have explained that in my first post)I am seriously ill,I have to take nearly 11,000 tablets a year just to keep me here and my health is deteriorating all the time.

I'm honestly thinking about hiring a cleaner(I'd have to pay for it)just to stop the non stop arguments that he causes about housework.But the thing is he doesn't work,he had to stop working because of what happened to me,I suffered brain damage.So I honestly feel he should be able to do the sodding housework and not cause awful arguments about it every single day.

When me and dh see there's tidying to be done, we just go at it together as a team until it's all done. Then we sit and enjoy the evening together.

This is the situation in our house.

ranting and raging

Is not. I wouldn't have this at all.

Tbh you aren't coming across well here

I'm not coming across well?How I'm not the one,shouting,swearing,banging about.Maybe I should just get this thread deleted!

If you are a family of seven, with both adults at home due to disability and caring issues then it's no surprise things are hard. Are you entitled to any help from eg social services? What about your older kids, what do they do?

Sorry you're having a hard time. Nobody should be ranted and raved at in their own home, it's horrible.

OP talk to him. Tell him you're worried that by the end of the day he'll be all stressed with all of the laundry to be put away.

ohtheholidays No way should he be shouting and swearing and banging about. And it certainly should be a daily occurrence that he argues about housework. Stress like that isn't good for you (or anyone in the house for that matter). So what IS his problem anyway? Has he specifically stated why he's being so aggressive and uncooperative?

I think people on here are underestimating just how dependent and vulnerable you can feel when you are disabled and your partner is being aggressive and argumentative (as yours is).

I see you have an 18yo - if he still lives at home, he should be helping with the housework. So how old are the rest of the children?

Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress. Have you tried asking him what his problem is?

Also as pp said what do the kids do to help? Time doing separate things might help.

Just to confirm, HE's not disabled, right? He stopped work to be your carer and help take care of the children and the home - only he isn't? Just making sure I read that right.

You're coming across fine OP, it's your husband who's not.

He doesn't want to do the housework does he? And he doesn't want to do the chores to a timetable that fits in sensibly with family life.

You really shouldn't have to have arguments like this, he should just get on and do it. And it sounds like you're ending up doing more than you should given your health.

I'm all for cleaners but I imagine that with you being ill and him having given up work, money is likely to be tight?

I would sit him down and say you can't have repeated arguments like this because of your health. Either he steps up or you have to get a cleaner.

7 of you? No wonder it's chaotic. Tbh, and i know i will get flamed for this, but if you choose to have such large families you have to just suck it up and get on with it. Things will be chaotic and messy - surely that's fairly obvious and inevitable

Simontowers, you are invariably fucking offensive, but this takes the biscuit. I doubt when the OP decided to have her family she thought, oh I'll make sure I get a side order of brain damage with that too. FFS.

OhTheHolidays

Most people won't realise what you are going through and how you are suffering, so I expect a lot of the replies will be quite harsh. He's a bastard of the first order and I really do think, even with your health the way it is, you would be far better off without him. Care, cleaners, kids & friends will help, then at least you won't have this stress as well xx

It sounds as though he resents having to do the housework, so does it the worst way he possibly can.

A lot of people do that - recalcitrant teenagers, resentful husbands, lazy arseholes of all types. It's a horrible form of passive aggressive unpleasantness.

For someone to do it when their partner is disabled and has difficulties doing it, is pretty disgusting tbh.

Only being honest chipping. Large families = chaos. People should plan ahead and think about these things. personal responsibility.

I'm sure we all plan brain damage and disability into our future

No advice OP but wanted to let you know you're coming across just fine. Hope you find some answers and ideas here.

simontowers have you planned for brain damage?

I know nothing of your situation however I do understand your frustration. Over the past few years my DH has become more involved in the daily chores but he does them in his own way as it is far superior to mine
At first I tried to explain that my way had worked for many years but now I let him get on with it. I no longer attempt to stack the dishwasher as if I did the dishes would never get clean His way of doing the washing is completely different to mine but I now let him get on with it.
Maybe he is just trying to help the best way he can.

Simon's apparently already brain-damaged.

Simontowers I didn't become disabled till just over a year after we'd had our 5th DC.

Before that I was fine,I looked after all the children,pets,house.I'd studied at college,worked with the local schools,worked with Social services and was Chairwoman of our local surestart and did tons of work for local and national charity's.

I was the last person anyone would have thought would end up ill like this.What happened to me is so rare in someone my age that they've asked me to attend two different hospitals so they can do studies on my brain!

To answer some questions our oldest DS(18) works full time bless him,he's a builder so has a really physical job and he pays keep every week.He tidies his room,washes up after himself,tidies the kitchen after himself(if he's made himself something to eat and I've already washed up/tidied the kitchen)strips his bed,puts his laundry away,makes his bed.

Our second oldest DS(16) does the same picking up after himself as oldest DS does.He also walks the dogs everyday(he asked if he could)it earns him some extra money on top of his pocket money.

3rd oldest DS(13)is autistic,he'll strip his own bed every week,make his bed every day,put his dirty laundry into the washing machine,put his toys away after himself.

oldest daughter(11)does the same as 13 year old DS.

Youngest child DD(7) is autistic and also has physical disability's.Depending on what kind of day she's having she'll sometimes put her plate and cup in the sink,put her laundry in the washing machine,she likes to have a go at washing up sometimes bless her.

We are fine money wise,I realize were very lucky in that respect so we can afford a cleaner it just seems ridiculous to pay for a cleaner when DH is not at work.If he was ill as well or he worked as well or I was on my own then it would be a given as we'd have no choice.