DH being an idiot again!

[ohtheholidays]

Just really need to vent.I am so fed up,we are constantly arguing now and I just need it to stop or for him to sod off and not come back!

Just had another argument(we never used to argue ever)over bloody housework!When ever he does anything(99% of the time) he chooses to do it at the most awkward time possible.
He's just started sorting the laundry,whilst the tumble dryer and washing machine are going and oldest DS has lots of laundry and his bedding to bring down.
So he'll sort all that's dry now(which is rare I'm usually the one that always does it all)and then this evening there will be about another 5 loads that need sorting and he'll moan about that.

Why can't he just use his brain for once and leave it alone till this evening when I would sort it all out like I always do,it takes me all of 30 minutes and there is 7 of us and it doesn't affect anyone else!

Everything else needs doing this morning in the house and none of the other jobs will get added to like the laundry,

I've done lots this morning(I'm seriously ill and disabled)yet he had a go at me for being on the computer for 20 minutes whilst he was doing the sodding laundry(I thought he was playing with our youngest DD7)he's shouted at me this morning that he does everything. HA!

I've done all the kitchen,fridge,microwave,bins and been shopping for Christmas presents online this morning already.

At this rate I can't see us lasting much longer I really can't.

What carer responsibilities does your husband have for you, OP? If he gave up work to look after you then he should be doing that. If you can both afford a cleaner then get one, it's got to be better than this stress.

Everybody does chores different and there's no reason why there needs to be a uniform approach, just as long as the process doesn't cause mayhem for others and the result is satisfactory.

I personally think it would be better for your husband to go back to work if he can as it doesn't sound as if you would want him to continue at home with you. It must be very hard for you both and not nice for your children to listen to either, come to that.

Get a cleaner and see what 'carer' help you're entitled to from your local authority and maybe some respite care to get you out of the house now and again?

Okay. So the dcs are helping in that they are picking up after themselves to some extent. Then I think you need to sit down and write out what DOES need to be done.

Things like vacuuming, sweeping, dusting, washing up, even laundry to some extent, are good things for the dc to pitch in on.

Your 18yo can pitch in on laundry on the weekend and washing up. Maybe cook a meal on the weekend. Vacuum living room on weekend.

Your 16yo can help with laundry during the week and washing up. Maybe cook a meal during the week. Vacuum living room during week once.

Your 13yo - I don't know what his abilities or triggers are, but maybe some dusting or sweeping?

Your 11yo can help with dusting, sweeping once or twice a week, and vacuuming once a week, and washing up once a week.

Your 7yo can help with dusting and general tidying up, helping with washing up.

That cuts down drastically on what you have to do. I know you think your DH should be doing it (and he should be pitching in), but the bottom line is that someone other than you needs to be doing it, and if he isn't, the dcs need to. It doesn't hurt them to learn how to do this stuff - and with 5 of them, they should be able to share it out enough that they're not unduly burdened with chores. For example, if 3 children are tasked with vacuuming the common areas of the house once a week, that's 3 times a week it's done, which is pretty good. The older dcs can start helping out making meals as well - good thing to learn to cook, can start simply if they haven't done any cooking yet.

Just a suggestion.

DH would not let any one else look after me and to be honest it would be a nightmare to have a carer.Because of the brain damage I sometimes look and sound like I've had a stroke and DH is the only person so far that can understand me when I talk when this happens(I sound like the poor elephant man but pissed) .

I also suffer with facial blindness quite often now so there's every chance I wouldn't recognize the carer from one week to the next.

As for the suggestions that the children do more,I don't see why they should!DH is home all day,he used to work 12 hour shifts in a really important job that he had loads of responsibility in,he worked 4 days on 4 days off and he would still help out after work(even though I never asked him to)Women that work and raise children still end up doing loads of housework and cooking on top.

My DH isn't working and isn't expected to do it all on his own,so he should be able to pull his finger out and get stuff done without having a go at me.
Just to clear something up I'm the calm one and I have loads of patience.I never argue in front of the children he does.

I hadn't posted on here for a few days as I'm sure he'd worked out that I'd posted about him as he's taken to standing over my shoulder the last few time's I'd posted so I had to hide the page so as not to cause an argument.

I actually though things were getting better since Sunday(with him doing more)but I've just gone upstairs(I struggle with the stairs now)as I'd asked him to stick the most recent presents we'd bought on the upstairs landing so I could start wrapping them today it only took him two minutes they were in one of the bedrooms.

And oh my God he's been playing upstairs with our youngest DD in her bedroom and it looked like a bomb had gone of in it(I hadn't been in there for 2 days so I expect it's been like that since Tuesday)she really is to ill to sort it out herself and he knows this.She's mentally and physically disabled.
In the past when he's left her room a mess and she's gone to bed she's woke up all through the night(the room being a state affects her sleep because of her autism)she likes order bless her because of her condition.

He's moaned the last couple of nights because she's been waking in the night,because he knows about mess in her room and disturbed sleep I thought it was strange she wasn't sleeping and was worried she was coming down with something again.

So know I've just spent 40 minutes tidying her room(he'd even pulled her duvet over her bed even though she'd had an accident in her bed last night)so I've had to strip the bedding.

I've had to air the rooms and the hallway.

The tumble dryer was full of towels and yet we had none downstairs and when I asked him where they'd all gone(I do the laundry every day)last night he said he didn't know.
Lazy sod had left them in the tumble dryer dry since yesterday and yet there's 3 loads of wet washing waiting to be dried up there(I could pull my hair out)so I've just had to deal with all that as well.

He'd told me after last weeks argument not to worry that he would always dry and put away the laundry from now on.I've just found all the clean dry laundry since last week upstairs not put away so now I'll have nearly a weeks worth of laundry to sort for 7 people so as you can imagine it's bloody loads!

I really think something's going to have to give.I do so much more than he ever does and I'm the one that's battling to stay alive.

I really feel for you.

What the heck is he doing all day if he doesn't work and doesn't do any of the housework?

Oh love, I don't know what else to suggest.

I think the only solution to this is to get rid of DH and get a live-in carer
x

Or he goes back to work, earns some money and you get a live in carer. You can't carry on like this
x

It's not up to your 'DH' who looks after you. It's your body and your care. You might not recognise the carer but he/she will recognise you. What's the alternative? It doesn't sound as if it's an ideal role for your husband to take - for either of you.

What do you want from the thread, OP? Is it just to vent about your husband, that he's not pulling his weight in your view, or do you actively want help from whatever outside sources to make your life better.

Your children (the older ones) can certainly do a bit more. That's not unusual in a family, whatever needs doing gets done. Sorting laundry isn't a big job if those that can chip in. If you feel that they 'shouldn't have to' then somebody else needs to do that. If not your husband - and you can't - then outside help is needed.

Have you actually spoken to your husband about how unhappy you are with the situation? Asked him to pin down what it is he feels competent/capable of doing around the house? The other question to ask him is whether he's prepared to pull his weight - because the alternative could be that either he goes back to work or he leaves altogether so it's perfectly possible to make life plans without your husband featuring much - or at all - in them.

I don't think this is going to work for any length of time, it sounds as if you're both sniping at each other and getting on each other's nerves.

As for the suggestions that the children do more, I don't see why they should!

Because being part of a family means contributing to the running of the home and so that you learn the skills required to function as an adult?

What do I want from this thread Lyingwardrobe? To know I'm not being a miserable git or to know that I'm not being unhinged in wanting things to be as normal as possible.

I know I have high expectations but never of anyone else only of myself.I'm my own worst critic and I have worked really hard to not expect any where near as much from DH or from my DC as I expect from myself.

I have spoke to my husband about all this many times now.It usually results in his knee jerk reaction(he starts doing things without me having to ask or without me having to point out about what needs doing or me having to do it all myself)then he stops again and we end up having an argument.

The argument starts because things will start falling really behind so I'll go and do things round the house and then I'll be in pain or I'll get worse(health wise)and then he'll start moaning at me that he was going to do it(when he got back from the school run)but the thing is this will have happened so many times in the past that I got cleaver and I'd leave what ever it was for a couple of days and it still wouldn't get done!
I just can't seem to win.I just want a peaceful life nothing more.

ohtheholidays... Presumably, he wanted to be your carer and gave up work to care for you. Does he not understand what it means to you to have an orderly life, the one that you would have were it not for your health problems?

I think I would be asking him to choose - either be your carer and make your life pleasant - or stop pretending that he's doing things and go back to work. If he's going to be your carer and take care of the home then he needs to treat that as his job. It sounds very much as if he's staying at home - not working - yet treating you as an obligation and that's not ok. It can't do much for your esteem either.

I would make him choose - and realise the consequences and requirements of both choices. That would be my next step. The conversations are going nowhere and must be so frustrating for you.

Perhaps he's a complete lazy bugger who has given up work and is now sat around all day doing nothing.

But alternatively he may have found himself in the position of carer, not what he'd ever planned, picking up after two other adults who are not pulling their weight and with an exacting wife, frustrated because he's not doing things like she would.