Affair, the aftermath and now this.

[suchabloodymess]

Dear mumsnetters, I need help, please. Have NC'd. i don't know what to do.

My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for some time, following the birth of our first child... Thence: my subsequent PND, lack of sex life, him being disrespectful, controlling rude and hurtful for a long time. Me then , inexcusably having a (fairly brief) affair, him finding out, forgiving me, (but not really, actually) lots of arguments and upset for the past 18 months as a result.

Not excusing my actions in any way, but trying to give some context...

We've had counselling for over a year, it hasn't really got us anywhere.

We still don't have a sex life - there have been issues in the past with him basically nagging and making it such an unpleasant issue that I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to, and I can't seem to get over that to the point of wanting to, with him, again.

We're either cordial but distant, or arguing, or he's basically trying to get me to have sex. Is how it seems to me. He says that's not what's important to him. But it feels otherwise.

Saturday night we reached a new low point. We'd been for dinner at friends. During the meal I said something (about visiting the poppies, FFS) which lead him to be really rude to me at the dinner table. And basically launching into a full character assassination and yelling at me in the car. I asked him to stop the car and let me get out – basically I couldn't be near him for another moment or listen to it any more. I didn't have any money on me (stupidly) but figured I could get some at home when I got there (cab) as my mum was at home babysitting. He lost it, demanded I get back in the car. I refused so he attemtpted to forcibly pick me up and out me in the car. I didn't want this, so tried to push him off.

At this point passers by (bust street, Friday night) yelled at him to stop, saying something like "you don't handle a woman like that". He said "She's my WIFE, it's none of your business" but as this was going on I could walk away.

Police car pulled up two minutes down the road - flagged down by the passers by, I think. Took statements from both of us. I guess we're on some kind of database now. I don't know.

He's tried to justify it since, saying he was just concerned for me and what else was he to have done. I said that he didn't feel "concerned" he felt angry, and that there were many other things he could have done.

I don't know how to feel about it. Or what to do about it. I feel mistrustful of him. He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me etc.

It just feels so hopeless. I am bombarded every minute I'm at home with words, how he feels, what he wants, how much he wants our marriage to be a success. I just don't know if after everything that's possible. Especially now.

I'm fearful of divorce. I feel sure H will go for full custody. He tells everyone who will listen (including my mum) that I am unstable and how he does everything for the children. He doesn't, and I'm unhappy, not unstable. He drives me round the bend, going on and on until late in the night, nd sometimes i lose it with him. But that's not the same thing. I think he'll use my history of PND against me.

I don't know how I'll keep things going. I run my own business, which, while it has huge potential isn't the secure monthly income I'll need. Bt it enables me to collect the children from school etc.

And anyway, I don't think he'll leave, and there's no way I can make him, so I would have to leave - with the children...

I just don't know what to do. I feel desperate. I'm sorry it's so long. I did try and keep it brief, and failed.

I don't know what I'm asking. probably asking if I'm blowing out of all proportion. If I should just get over myself for the sake of the children.

I don't know. I keep crying.

TIA.

You need a kick ass solicitor that works in getting women away from abusive violent men.

With regards to him taking the children out of the country- do you have access to their passports? If I were you I would either get an order which says he cant take them out of the country without your permission, or if that's not possible destroy them( so expensive though!) And refuse to sign any further application. You will always find there is some family event that means you have to delay getting him to leave but if you know its over the sooner you get this sorted the better.

If he goes the upheaval to your children will be minimal, if they stay in their schools and keep their routines. If he then chooses to behave in a destructive and immature way, he is the one responsible for upsetting your children,not you.

BTW I knew an incredibly unhappy couple who stayed together for the sake of the lovely house they lived in, neither felt they should leave so they stayed together in hostile misery until the kids left home and the house was too big so they sold it. They put their kids through a miserable childhood with a view of marriage as a constant battleground. Be a happy single mum for them, don't put up with this awful man and his dreadful behaviour.

He's a nightmare isn't he? He's a violent man. He hasn't hit you - yet. And you are scared or you'd just get on with it and he would leave.

The courts don't care about why etc- it won't even go to court if you agree amicably the settlement. Courts don't get involved in children re divorce anymore. File for divorce, you've plenty of reasons. Follow up with the police re them stopping you and ask for advice. Don't tell him anything til you have seen or spoken to solicitor, and filed. He can be served after.

Don't leave the house. Talk to the solicitor first. You need a shit hot one and I have pm'd you.

And it's all rubbish he will get the kids etc etc- it's all scare tactics. And it's working. You have a right to a happier life and so do your dc. He can still be a dad, just not your awful abusive husband.

See a doctor wrt his constant nagging. Get it on record he is bullying you. It's unacceptable. Tell him it's unacceptable, and go for counselling alone. Stop the joint stuff at once, he's using it against you.

And don't worry about the affair etc, no ones interested re a divorce/ childcare and anyway, it's old news. What matters is settlement and ongoing financial support. But one step at a time. Solicitor first. And police - I think you need to make sure it's all logged and tell them he hassles you into the early hours.

Don't go abroad with him, and don't let him take the children.

Please speak to Women's Aid, and to the DV advisor for your local police. He isn't allowed to push you around.

I think you probably have to put a "stop" action on passports. This would prevent him from simply applying for more due to their "loss".

I'm not sure that you have to play nice either. It may seem sensible but it's shudder-worthy. Up to you how much of that you can/should take. Such nauseating clingy adoration usually means he senses the change in you already.

you might have to consider leaving your home, you will get it back once he has been ousted but check this out legally. Some would say change the locks while he's out but that's a heck of a war to start. Appropriate in the right circs of course but I'm not sure how you'd feel about it? Seems to me you might end up under seige!

When I say "have to" of course I don't mean you have to. Just that if you want to prevent him abducting then you should consider doing this. Simply misplacing, hiding or removing passports won't prevent him getting new ones if you think there is a risk of such an event.

This is what I would do.

Go this week to your GP, tell him/her you're in an abusive relationship. I would flag emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse. You can say if insist, that he doesn't hit you, but he pushes you around and detail the incident from last Saturday, the intervention of passers by & the police. Tell them what you told us - that you keep crying. Ask for counselling to help you cope. Don't mention yet that you're considering leaving him (there's a reason for this).

You need to start to create a paper trail of corroboration of abuse. If at any point in the future you needed and would be eligible for legal aid, you can call on your GP to write a letter for you. You need to get it all logged first, and it would really help if you are currently receiving treatment for issues caused by the abuse - ie stress, anxiety, depression.

Great advice by Twinkle there OP. This means that you do not have to take any huge steps, make any massive decisions, just take this one simple step and talk to your GP. It's manageable and will help you enormously.

If you think you don't know what to say, you could write it down and hand the note to your gp.

Also, keep posting here, even if you are not actually doing anything else. We all understand that it takes time to sink in sometimes and that big changes are scary but there is a lot of support and help here for you, if you want it x

Sorry all, I didn't see these recent messages – I am careful to protect my interactions on here, I feel that if H sees that I have been using mumsnet he will trawl through and find what I have posted and use it against me. So I am super careful about where and when I post/look at MN.

Lavenderhoney, Just to let you know that today I have emailed the solicitor you recommended, to set the wheels in motion.

I've been talking a lot with my mother and my best friend. And you're right, it's no way to live, and actually I spend a lot of my time feeling anxious, and uncomfortable in my own home. Which is exhausting and stops me from parenting and working at my best. All sorts of things will suffer if I allow it continue.

I am anxious about going to the GP, lest it actually fuel H's claims that I am unstable and depressed and therefore an unfit mother. I sometimes wonder if Anti-depressants would help, but again am reluctant to be on prescription medication, lest he might use it... Or have I got that all backwards.

At the moment I think I have to go abroad, to do either would either mean allowing him to take our DCs alone, and that's not going to happen, or ensuring that this is acrimonious right from the get go by my preventing him. I just need to stick it out and suck it up while there, and have everything in place to start proceedings when we're back. Also gives me a chance to get some resources together.

The children are my main concern, then the house, which I am reluctant to leave – mostly for the children's sake, actually, but also because ti was the fact that I had property when we got married that means we have it now. Will see what he solicitor says, i suppose.

I don't especially want or expect maintenance, but I need my children with me as much as I can, and I'd like to keep the house which I enabled us to buy. Those would be my objectives, I suppose.

Thank you for all the support.
Sucha.
x

How would he know you're on anti-depressants if you hide them?

I am anxious about going to the GP, lest it actually fuel H's claims that I am unstable and depressed and therefore an unfit mother.

It won't don't worry, it will support your claims that you're being abused.

I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you get the abuse on record.

If the abuse is recorded then third parties will understand and have concrete evidence of the kind of relationship they're dealing with. It's standard practice for abusive men to claim their partners are 'mental' and can't cope. That's why you have to log the abuse.

Your GP can write a letter that can be used in court, to say on x date this patient disclosed abuse, she suffers anxiety and depression as a consequence and is receiving y treatment.

The last thing in the world I would do is to allow the children to go back to your H's country of origin. Even if you are in attendance, how will you ensure that they return? You say your H is very like his father, so there will be the two of them against you. Do you have any support there?

Please please don't put off taking the necessary action to separate your life from this man until after the planned family visit.

Please please do follow the very sound advice you've been given on here as to how to end this. All the best OP

Don't wait until march. Don't go on the holiday and don't allow the children to go. Can you leave their passports with your mum or a friend?

He won't get residency. Honestly, that's just him bluffing to get you to stay put. It dowsnt matter that you had/have PND or that you had an affair. It's likely that you'll be able to stay in the house with the children too if that's what you want.

Don't take what he says as gospel, it isn't. It's just the same old crap every controlling fuckwit comes out with. Get proper legal advice and contact WA but most importantly stop seeing him as some all-powerful, knowledgable being and detach in every way you safely can.

I'm just so afraid to rock the boat before being in a position to make any kind of move... The idea of being stuck in another country with him does make me uncomfortable as I will have nowhere to go should I need to. I do have an 'ally' of sorts in his mother, but if push came to shove I'm not sure what stance she'd take... I just honestly don;t know what else to do other that try and suck it up until then, keep the peace and gets my ducks in a row. I would desperately prefer not to go, but it will cause an almighty shit storm that I'm not ready for…

I'm not ignoring your advice not to go. I just don't; see how I can't without making a bad situation worse.

Have you managed to speak to women's aid of reunite yet? If not I would urge you to do that. You can not be forced to go to a foreign country against your will and the consequences of letting him take your children could be years of legal wrangling to get them back. You must protect your children from the possibility that he won't bring them back to you. If nothing else you could say that after your recent street fight you don't think a holiday is a good plan so save it for the summer, or something similar. But I think you need to be clear in your own mind that if you don't want to go abroad with him, you won't be going.

You have lots of legal rights and protection but you will have to make some calls to start the ball rolling, please take care of yourself. You deserve much better than this nasty bully

I think you should try and speak with Womens Aid asap for ideas about what might be best to do in your circumstances.

You know as well as we all do whose "side" his mother would take should push come to shove whilst abroad. She actually would have no choice since another family generation is also involved.

I'm glad you seem to be in touch with a SHL but I'm still very worried about your situation as there are some tricky timings/events coming into play ...

H just got fired from his job. I don't know how/if/whether this changes anything. Either in terms of what I do, when i do it, or what it means afterwards… Shit. Not ready. Don;t knwo what to do. HGe's asking me for all sorts of assurances "as long as We're ok, then nothing else matters" etc.

He's going to be at home all the time.
Oh god.

I think you need more legal advice from your SHL asap. Just the tone in your voice has gutted me. You need out of this, don't you? And fast.

Women's Aid might be able to help and yes, you ARE in an abusive relationship. If he has caught wind of your misery do you think he has engineered his firing to later claim he is the main carer? To orchestrate more time abroad? I think you need to grab your life with both hands ...

Am very worried about you...

Please, save yourself more sorrow, split asap and don't go or allow the children to visit his country until there is a court process in place. Because until then, if he decides to stay and prevent you from bringing the children back, he can.

I would do whatever I could to prevent him taking the children out of the country, whether with you or without you. If he's no longer working he now has no real reason to stay in the UK. There's nothing to stop him from going on this visit in March and just saying "Right, I'm not going back, neither are the children".

Consult with your SHL immediately about this new development. Specifically ask about ways to prevent him taking them abroad. March is three months away. That may be enough time to leave and get some type of order forbidding him from taking the children out of the country. In the meantime, hide the passports. Or at the very least, keep track of them.

You really don't want to be living with him, even if he was working. It's soon going to be intolerable for you with him around 24/7.