Affair, the aftermath and now this.

[suchabloodymess]

Dear mumsnetters, I need help, please. Have NC'd. i don't know what to do.

My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for some time, following the birth of our first child... Thence: my subsequent PND, lack of sex life, him being disrespectful, controlling rude and hurtful for a long time. Me then , inexcusably having a (fairly brief) affair, him finding out, forgiving me, (but not really, actually) lots of arguments and upset for the past 18 months as a result.

Not excusing my actions in any way, but trying to give some context...

We've had counselling for over a year, it hasn't really got us anywhere.

We still don't have a sex life - there have been issues in the past with him basically nagging and making it such an unpleasant issue that I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to, and I can't seem to get over that to the point of wanting to, with him, again.

We're either cordial but distant, or arguing, or he's basically trying to get me to have sex. Is how it seems to me. He says that's not what's important to him. But it feels otherwise.

Saturday night we reached a new low point. We'd been for dinner at friends. During the meal I said something (about visiting the poppies, FFS) which lead him to be really rude to me at the dinner table. And basically launching into a full character assassination and yelling at me in the car. I asked him to stop the car and let me get out – basically I couldn't be near him for another moment or listen to it any more. I didn't have any money on me (stupidly) but figured I could get some at home when I got there (cab) as my mum was at home babysitting. He lost it, demanded I get back in the car. I refused so he attemtpted to forcibly pick me up and out me in the car. I didn't want this, so tried to push him off.

At this point passers by (bust street, Friday night) yelled at him to stop, saying something like "you don't handle a woman like that". He said "She's my WIFE, it's none of your business" but as this was going on I could walk away.

Police car pulled up two minutes down the road - flagged down by the passers by, I think. Took statements from both of us. I guess we're on some kind of database now. I don't know.

He's tried to justify it since, saying he was just concerned for me and what else was he to have done. I said that he didn't feel "concerned" he felt angry, and that there were many other things he could have done.

I don't know how to feel about it. Or what to do about it. I feel mistrustful of him. He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me etc.

It just feels so hopeless. I am bombarded every minute I'm at home with words, how he feels, what he wants, how much he wants our marriage to be a success. I just don't know if after everything that's possible. Especially now.

I'm fearful of divorce. I feel sure H will go for full custody. He tells everyone who will listen (including my mum) that I am unstable and how he does everything for the children. He doesn't, and I'm unhappy, not unstable. He drives me round the bend, going on and on until late in the night, nd sometimes i lose it with him. But that's not the same thing. I think he'll use my history of PND against me.

I don't know how I'll keep things going. I run my own business, which, while it has huge potential isn't the secure monthly income I'll need. Bt it enables me to collect the children from school etc.

And anyway, I don't think he'll leave, and there's no way I can make him, so I would have to leave - with the children...

I just don't know what to do. I feel desperate. I'm sorry it's so long. I did try and keep it brief, and failed.

I don't know what I'm asking. probably asking if I'm blowing out of all proportion. If I should just get over myself for the sake of the children.

I don't know. I keep crying.

TIA.

[suchabloodymess]

Fairenuff. I don't feel he will hit me. He was pointing out that on the scale of things... y'know. I don't feel afraid of him as such. But I no longer trust him. It's the post-justification of it, the "what else was I supposed to do" and the "I couldn't let you make your own way home at 11pm". I say there are many things he might have done, which would have been preferable to what he did do. And that I didn't feel scared about getting home, but I did feel threatened by him at that point. But I don't feel frightened of him now. Angry, upset and mistrustful, but not frightened.

[Happymum1985]

He sounds very intense and overbearing and you sound very weary and defeated. From now until March get through it by slowly and carefully planning your little future. To have this secret project will be the escapism you need. That and the kids. You can do this and the future will be better. I think you are right to aim towards as pleasant a separation as possible. Whether this can be acheived is to be seen, but I think you are right to aim for that. Sending love xx

[Fairenuff]

I know you don't think he will hit you, OP, but what you need to realise is that the thought was in his head.

He thought he could hit you. He didn't. The fact that you both see this as a positive is very dangerous.

[Nillia]

Such thanks for your reply. Sorry your going through all this.

[suchabloodymess]

Nillia, there were times I just did it to shut him up and get him to leave me alone. Just so i could go to sleep without a long discussion. But then I found myself hating it, and him during and after. I remember lying there, and inside I felt like screaming, and I felt so angry, like I wanted to hit him, but I just went along with it for some peace and quiet. But it made everything worse. In the end.

[suchabloodymess]

Nillia. I hope you're not in the same situation. x

[suchabloodymess]

Fairenuff... I'm not sure I understand. We were talking/arguing about it afterwards, which was the point he said he hadn't hit me or hurt me. It was in his own defence, rather than anything at the time... I don't know why this is dangerous. You're making me feel like I'm being naive... Am I being naive? I have no experience of this until now.

[Fairenuff]

I do think you are being naive OP.

To put it into perspective, if me and my dh had an argument, there is no way it would even enter his head that he was restrained because he didn't hit me.

For him to say that, he has to have the thought in his head in the first place. If he thinks that you should be pleased that he didn't hit you, yes, that is dangerous.

[suchabloodymess]

You think I ought not to wait until March...

[Fairenuff]

I think you should contact Womens Aid and, as I said before, get a solicitor that specialises in abusive relationships to find out where you stand legally.

[suchabloodymess]

I genuinely thought everyone would say I was making a fuss over nothing, and that there were people dealing with real problems etc. Legal advice makes sense though. Either way. Just got to figure out how to pay for it. Bank account first I suppose.

[suchabloodymess]

Spending today trying to "play nicely" and keep the peace. But H keeps trying to kiss and touch me and I so badly don't want him to... I feel like such a fraud. And then I think, why can't I just do this, a day at a time, as infinitum, rather than rip my children's world apart. I'm smiling on the outside today but falling to bits inside. I can't believe it's come to this. I can't see how I can ever find the courage to end it. I'm a fraud AND a coward.

[suchabloodymess]

I've gone out early to collect the children from class, and because I'm so angry... H just said "I don't know what it is with you, what's happened in your past to make you so sensitive about anything remotely physical, but you're clearing blowing this out of all proportion in your head. You can't seem to let it go. I can see when you get into one if your negative spirals."

I was do angry I couldn't speak. Sorry. Just venting on here... Nowhere else to vent.

[Twinklestein]

It's over isn't it. There's nothing that can be done to salvage this.

From a practical pov, if he's the primary earner, then I guess you are the primary caregiver. In which case, you're most likely to get primary custody. Secondly the fact of your affair makes no difference in divorce, it will not affect custody.

You need to start to detach from everything he says because it's twisted and manipulative nonsense. Posters have mentioned Women's Aid, I don't recall if anyone's mentioned the Freedom Programme. I would strongly recommend you look into that.

I think you need to start thinking about getting away from him, and what your future will look like without him.

As regards the pressure to have sex: in the short term just be straight - you do not want to have sex with him at all. It's not a problem in your head, it's a problem in your relationship.

[dadwood]

suchabloodymess

You say: rather than rip my children's world apart - that might be painful in the beginning, but I have read other threads where MNers say that their children are happier in the end with separate and happy parents than with the atmosphere that goes with an unhappy relationship.

[tipsytrifle]

I can't read every word and I did highlight some things to show you a flashback

He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me

It just feels so hopeless. I am bombarded every minute I'm at home with words, how he feels, what he wants, how much he wants our marriage

He says it was no big deal. It feels like a big deal. He's previously tried to stop me, physically, from leaving the room, leaving the house, during arguments. Making himself a barrier, restraining me. Saying it's for my own good

That kind of stuff but after those, it got even worse. Scarier on a psychological level. I think you should be asking Women's Aid for help with asap escape in mind, given the impending visit abroad. I think he would be in a way stronger position to oust you while abroad actually, with family to back him. I do not trust your H.

[Fairenuff]

There is absolutely no reason for you to have sex with him if you don't want to. Just say you don't want to. That's enough. You don't have to give reasons. If he asks why not, just say you don't want to.

[suchabloodymess]

Sorry, been up to my eyeballs in small people stuff... When he was talking about 'physical' he was referring to the high street rugby-tackle incident when the police were called, last weekend. It made me so angry that it was all, in his view, my problem, my hangup, my blowing it out of all proportion.

Nothing to do with the fact that total strangers in the street thought that physically restraining, picking up and trying to force someone into a car against their will was unacceptable behaviour. As did - do - I.

No. Again, it's squarely my problem, not his. "Suchabloodymess the unstable fruit loop."

He honestly can't understand why it was a "big deal" for me.

Sex not so much of an issue. I asked him to sleep in the spare room after last weekend. Largely because before he was starting sorting out the marriage/justifying himself/berating me conversations before I'd even opened my eyes.

I've been trying to get on with it, make the best of things for ages. But something snapped in me last weekend, and everything since just makes me more sure I have to do something.

So bloody upset and frightened though. We're going to lose everything, my children are going to have to leave their school, move, deal with all the fallout. I just don't know how I'm going to do this.

[suchabloodymess]

Sorry, I keep forgetting to say thank you to everyone who's replied and giving advice. It's all good advice, I'm taking it all on board. I really am.

H is the primary breadwinner, but we work an equal amount, really, it's just I run my own business so my income varies wildly. Up to two years ago when I started the biz I worked PT, so yes then I was the primary carer, and I was on mat leave for a while with each. H drops the children at school in the morning, I collect 4 evenings a week, he does one to enable me to flex one day to accommodate meetings. My biz premesis is close to home and school to make this practical. If I lose the business (because I need a full time job and the stability/regular income which goes with that) then I lose the flexibility, and also 5 other people lose their jobs too.

I'm not sure what, if any, if this, would impact custody decisions if it went to court.

[Charlesroi]

This sounds bloody awful.

I agree you should call Women's Aid (do it next time he goes out for a while). They can help explain options for housing and how to go about parting from this man safely. There's no obligation, nothing to lose.
Open a bank account. You can do this online now, but please make sure you open one with a bank that has no association with the joint account one to ensure details are kept private from H (and stop them raiding your account if he runs up a large overdraft). You don't need anything fancy to start with, just a cashcard and DD facility with online banking.

And please, please don't go abroad with him. You are much safer here.

[Charlesroi]

About the business and the living expenses - you may qualify for tax credits and maintenance from H. Remember he'll still have to parent them and there may be ways you can work around. Would your mum or a friend be able to help in the short-term?

[suchabloodymess]

The simplest thing would be to leave the house, and take the children. I know that.

But the thing is, it was my money, my property purchase that i made in my twenties, scrimped, saved to buy and renovate by myself, lived on toast for three years to maintain, etc. which enabled us to buy this house, and I have renovated every square inch of it myself. H had blown any money he had on a 6 month round-the-world trip shortly before we got together.

We earned about the same when we got married, but H would argue that he was earning more than me, while I was on mat leave and working PT, so he's paid the mortgage for most of these years.

He would say also that I'm rubbish with money. This fiction also makes me angry, me having been the one who had property and doubled my money on it when we sold. He being the one who blew all his savings on a fucking six-month holiday.

But I suddenly feel really angry at the prospect of leaving the house with/to him. Why should I do that?

But realistically I can't make HIM leave, can I...

Actually I'm suddenly feeling really angry full stop.

H just keeps trying to hold me and tell me how much he "adores" me. It's taking all my willpower not to just tell him to fuck off. i don't WANT him to touch me, or be near me. I want him to leave me alone.

But I have to play nicely while I make plans. That's the sensible thing to do. It's just not what I feel like doing.

Anxious about calling Women's Aid. Feels like things are not bad enough for that – I'm not sitting here with a black eye or anything. But I guess they're a source of information...

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. It's just I have no-one to talk to IRL about this. So I'm talking AT you instead.

[Fairenuff]

You can make him leave. Speak to a solicitor.

He was aggressive enough in public to make passers by flag down the police. It will be on record. As he is aggressive he can be told to leave the family home.

Seriously OP, get some legal advice from someone who is experienced in abusive relationships.

[Vivacia]

Gather info. Ring WA, have an appointment with a solicitor, check out the Entitled To website.