Dear mumsnetters, I need help, please. Have NC'd. i don't know what to do.
My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for some time, following the birth of our first child... Thence: my subsequent PND, lack of sex life, him being disrespectful, controlling rude and hurtful for a long time. Me then , inexcusably having a (fairly brief) affair, him finding out, forgiving me, (but not really, actually) lots of arguments and upset for the past 18 months as a result.
Not excusing my actions in any way, but trying to give some context...
We've had counselling for over a year, it hasn't really got us anywhere.
We still don't have a sex life - there have been issues in the past with him basically nagging and making it such an unpleasant issue that I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to, and I can't seem to get over that to the point of wanting to, with him, again.
We're either cordial but distant, or arguing, or he's basically trying to get me to have sex. Is how it seems to me. He says that's not what's important to him. But it feels otherwise.
Saturday night we reached a new low point. We'd been for dinner at friends. During the meal I said something (about visiting the poppies, FFS) which lead him to be really rude to me at the dinner table. And basically launching into a full character assassination and yelling at me in the car. I asked him to stop the car and let me get out – basically I couldn't be near him for another moment or listen to it any more. I didn't have any money on me (stupidly) but figured I could get some at home when I got there (cab) as my mum was at home babysitting. He lost it, demanded I get back in the car. I refused so he attemtpted to forcibly pick me up and out me in the car. I didn't want this, so tried to push him off.
At this point passers by (bust street, Friday night) yelled at him to stop, saying something like "you don't handle a woman like that". He said "She's my WIFE, it's none of your business" but as this was going on I could walk away.
Police car pulled up two minutes down the road - flagged down by the passers by, I think. Took statements from both of us. I guess we're on some kind of database now. I don't know.
He's tried to justify it since, saying he was just concerned for me and what else was he to have done. I said that he didn't feel "concerned" he felt angry, and that there were many other things he could have done.
I don't know how to feel about it. Or what to do about it. I feel mistrustful of him. He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me etc.
It just feels so hopeless. I am bombarded every minute I'm at home with words, how he feels, what he wants, how much he wants our marriage to be a success. I just don't know if after everything that's possible. Especially now.
I'm fearful of divorce. I feel sure H will go for full custody. He tells everyone who will listen (including my mum) that I am unstable and how he does everything for the children. He doesn't, and I'm unhappy, not unstable. He drives me round the bend, going on and on until late in the night, nd sometimes i lose it with him. But that's not the same thing. I think he'll use my history of PND against me.
I don't know how I'll keep things going. I run my own business, which, while it has huge potential isn't the secure monthly income I'll need. Bt it enables me to collect the children from school etc.
And anyway, I don't think he'll leave, and there's no way I can make him, so I would have to leave - with the children...
I just don't know what to do. I feel desperate. I'm sorry it's so long. I did try and keep it brief, and failed.
I don't know what I'm asking. probably asking if I'm blowing out of all proportion. If I should just get over myself for the sake of the children.
I don't know. I keep crying.
TIA.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Affair, the aftermath and now this.
suchabloodymess · 14/11/2014 14:42
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