is this 'cheating' or just a bit of fun?

[anonbf]

DH has a history of joining online dating sites to 'look' and sending messages to girls, both strangers on sex sites and friends on FB offering sex, dates and generally flirting. The first time I found out was because a friend approached me to tell me. He denied it, refused to show me his FB and we moved on but I decided to hack into his emails and FB and found many messages and emails to various women, many very explicit. He wasn't happy that I had invaded his privacy and insists he has never cheated and its just a bit of fun. This was all about 2 years ago and once we moved on I didn't think too much about it.
I've now found more messages as recent as last night to another friend on FB offering 'dinner and more' and reassuring the woman that 'the wife won't find out because I won't tell her'. I only know this because I've gone into his phone while he was asleep. It's password protected but I saw the code he put in the other day and took an opportunity last night to look.
I do believe he hasn't physically cheated by having sex with anyone else but feel just as cheated by his intimate messages and don't know what else to do to get him to stop. I also feel embarrassed and very hurt.
Need to talk to him tonight but don't know whether to admit I looked at his phone, kick him out......I just don't know. Any opinions to help me make sense of this.

he's a cunt.

That is just disgusting and pathetic. You need to leave him OP he sounds truly horrible. I say this as somebody who has a dating profile and is in a relationship. My DP knows about it (I opened it about a month before we got together and never met anybody from there), not only does he know it exists he knows the password and I'm set to "in relationship" on it. I've never replied to anybody on there. The reason it is still open is me and my DP both like having a giggle at some of the really REALLY weird messages I've had!

This was all about 2 years ago and once we moved on I didn't think too much about it.

Really, your Dh had been contacting other women offering sex and you let it go this easily? Why? There must be more to this.

OP it is time to face reality. You are married to a monumental arsehole who does not love or respect you.

He has at the very least been propositioning all and sundry, in all liklihood women you know.

It is vvv likely that it has gone well beyond this.

You have a choice. You can either accept that this is your lot, he will not change (by your previois behavior he assumes you have already chosen this route, hence him treating you like a piece of shit). Or you can get the fuck out of there.

Whether he has physically had sex with another woman doesn't even really matter IMO. Either way he doesn't care that he is humiliating and disrespecting you. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

I wish it was making it up or trying to get a rise out of mumsnet. Sorry to be absent, we've been talking and I've been upset.
I'm not sure what else I can tell you with regards to 'there must be more to this'. I can give you background such as we've been together a long time, since I was very young, I've had no other relationships, my childhood and parents relationships are not great examples but that all sounds as pathetic as me 'moving on' from the last time I found messages and emails.
This time he has again said it was just jokes and messing around, he understands it was stupid, he didn't mean anything by it and hadn't thought about the fact that this person might tell other people (who know me) and humiliate me further.
He has offered to leave. He has said he'll come off FB. I'm not sure that he truly understands what he's done wrong though.
I was hoping all your thoughts would make things clearer for me but I'm still confused and I guess that my issues to sort out. You've all given me a lot to think about so thank you.
I've asked him to read this thread, hoping it will show him it's not just me that considers this situation to be serious.

If you're confused about this then you clearly have had terrible examples of what a relationship should be and you should consider having counselling.

If you want to keep this relationship (I really can't see why you would want to) I'd also suggest your DP has counselling to learn to understand why he thinks it's ok to act like such an entitled, disrespectful prick.

What did you say when he offered to leave?

I'd consider what he is doing to be cheating. Unless you are waiting on finding his dick inside someone then what more proof do you need?

It's obviously for you to sort out but I also think you should have some counselling if you are considering staying with him. You must have self esteem issues if you think this is as good as it gets.

He sounds cruel and will continue to do this over and over again as he keeps getting away with it after a small slap in the wrist.

Let's not split hairs: he is cheating. All you.must do now is decide your own outcome.

you nEed to tell him to move out for a while.

he needs to feel proper consequences, to understand what he's done is absolutely unacceptable.

how would he feel if you started fucking other men for fun, behind his back?

he needs to go. you need to show him what losing you looks like.

he knows you'll have him whatever he does, and that's why he feels such contempt for you.

Anon - my exP was like this, down to a tee. He never changed even though we ended up having a DS together. I'm sorry but he will never change.

There isn't much to be confused about OP. You can either LTB. Or you can stay with him and know that you are basically giving him the thumbs-up to do this again and again and again. It really is that simple. (As for him coming off fb, yeh right. How long before he sets up new account in different name?)

You are is such an awful situation. I'm not suprised you are upset . I hope you don't get fixated on whether it was an 'affair' or not. It's irrelevent. He did a nasty selfish shitty thing despite knowing that it was totally unacceptable to you. He clearly didn't care what you thought. His pursuit of 'fun' was more important that his respect of you.

Don't you think if it was just a 'bit of fun' and a 'laugh' he wouldn't have minded stopping doing it after seeing the hurt it caused you two years ago. Unfortuanalty it looks like he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

I hope you have some real life support.

Have you asked how he'd feel if you had done the same?

Do you think you can ever be happy with him? To trust him?

I know that a life without him may seem daunting if not terrifying, but can you imagine another 20, 30 more years of the same?

You can start making a separation plan, and have a trial separation and see how you feel.

As for your OH, he's a twat who has no respect for you, nor for the women he contacts. I hope you are reading this.

Your husband sounds like a vile selfish pig. As others have said whether he actually cheated or not is irrelevant. In fact I would rather be with someone who had made a mistake and had an affair than somebody who hounds women in this predatory sleazy manner.

I would chuck him out and move on. He isn't a nice person, he really isn't.

Regarding your title "is this cheating or just a bit of fun?"
Does this feel like fun to you? No, it wouldn't to me either.
The first line of your op says it all.
LTB.

If you are reading this thread MR then I want to say that your actions show a thorough lack of respect towards your wife and children.

If you disagree then can you explain how what you are doing demonstrates respect for your family?

You offered to leave? Yes you did because you want to live a life where you value sexual kicks above all else in life.

Absolutely sad and pathetic.

OP if you let him stay please cancel all internet to your home because this man cannot be trusted to be a decent father and husband while it's in your house.

Best of luck, anon

I agree with pp who have said that you're likely to benefit from some counselling on your own to explore your self-esteem issues and to 'unlearn' what you seem to find acceptable in a relationship.

Trust your own discomfort on this one: it creeps you out because it's creepy. Like yourself enough to believe yourself.

The often used phrase "we moved on" really saddens me, as in reality it translates as "it got forcibly brushed under the carpet and they wouldn't discuss it, i felt i had no choice", which is exacyley what has happenned to the OP....

Your 'D'H sounds horrible. Run, get some self esteem and find yourself a real man.