is this 'cheating' or just a bit of fun?

[anonbf]

DH has a history of joining online dating sites to 'look' and sending messages to girls, both strangers on sex sites and friends on FB offering sex, dates and generally flirting. The first time I found out was because a friend approached me to tell me. He denied it, refused to show me his FB and we moved on but I decided to hack into his emails and FB and found many messages and emails to various women, many very explicit. He wasn't happy that I had invaded his privacy and insists he has never cheated and its just a bit of fun. This was all about 2 years ago and once we moved on I didn't think too much about it.
I've now found more messages as recent as last night to another friend on FB offering 'dinner and more' and reassuring the woman that 'the wife won't find out because I won't tell her'. I only know this because I've gone into his phone while he was asleep. It's password protected but I saw the code he put in the other day and took an opportunity last night to look.
I do believe he hasn't physically cheated by having sex with anyone else but feel just as cheated by his intimate messages and don't know what else to do to get him to stop. I also feel embarrassed and very hurt.
Need to talk to him tonight but don't know whether to admit I looked at his phone, kick him out......I just don't know. Any opinions to help me make sense of this.

OP - just wanted to give you a hug and

My exbf did this, I found out just like you, it supposedly stopped, and then I found out again later that it was still happening. One of my biggest life regrets is not getting rid the first time and I look back and feel so stupid! We weren't married tho and no children. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

One of the worst things about living with a deceitful, manipulative and cheat for a partner is the erosion of self-esteem.

I don't know if it would be defined as cheating but to be honest I'm not sure that matters.
It is obviously awful for you that he does such a thing for 'fun' and doesn't care that it upsets you.
I couldn't be with someone who ould disregard my feelings and humiliate me like that.

I don't know if it's cheating but in my view it's just as bad. Sorry.

Of course it's cheating if it's sexual titilation that falls outside the boundaries of the partner

He's going out and spending money on dinner with these women. He's told them you won't find out (presumably he thinks you're stupid and naive) and the 'and more' implies that he thinks he's some kind of sex god.

He's already cheated on you. If not, it's not for the lack of trying. That 'she won't find out' message implies that he's done it before and has his routine all down pat. Does he often work away? Work late at the office? Go to the gym/pub/something else in the evenings?

Have you looked at credit card bills to see if there are meals from nice restaurants - supposedly with clients - on them? Or does he have separate finances?

The probability is that he's already cheated on you, several times. He doesn't have the right to get upset about you looking at his phone. If he says that he's offended, then you can say you're offended by the other women looking at his genitals. He may have an STD. There may be other friends that know about his behaviour and feel pity for you putting up with it all this time.

Isn't it time to stand up for yourself?

You let him off the first time, please don't let him away with it again, there must be folk that know both of you laughing about how pathetic he is.

have previously just tried to do the right thing by me and kids.

Doing the right thing by you is ensuring that you only remain in relationships where you are treated with respect.

This is also doing the right thing by your kids, as they are learning how relationships work from the two of you.

Joysmum , my point was that it doesn't matter.
I constantly see posters trying to find a line between cheating and not cheating - trying to get proof etc etc.
Posters can fixate on whether they are entitled to feel aggrieved or not.

It doesn't matter how you define it. It's unacceptable

Sorry OP, to tell the truth, your husband sounds like a loser and a creep.

I doubt that many women would fall for that kind of line, but it isn't for the want of his trying.

I agree with pagwatch. It most definitely isn't fun for you, op, you deserve better than this

People have different definitions of cheating and different ideas of what is fun. I suspect that the validation and ego boost he gets from this "fun" make him go back for more, it's quite a draw even if he knows he must deceive you. Its quite compulsive to keep going back for more "fun" but are you having fun? No

Actually I wouldn't give a fig for staying with a man who has such low esteem, a boring hobby and obviously preferred having his ego stroked than spend time making me feel great. I mean, shouldn't we want to make the people we love happy. Are you happy? No.

But the real biggie for me would be this, what do other people now think? on facebook? really? friends and acquaintances are being told that you are nothing more than a nuisance to him, something to deal with like putting out the rubbish before he can sit down and relax. So not only is he demeaning you directly, he is letting the world know he is doing it. That is how little he cares for you. For me, reading the words "she won't know because..." would be the end for me.

I don't think it makes a difference how far it's gone, it's already a huge betrayal.

The repetitive nature of the problem suggests it's not something he feels bothered about giving up, just something he needs to find out new ways to hide.

As for confronting him, I'd just be honest about what you've done (looking at the phone). That way, if it comes out later he can't attempt to deflect the whole thing back onto you for hiding something from him. Just my opinion though, and I'm not sure how much difference that bit makes either way.

My heart sank when I saw you said you have kids. Big hugs, what a tough time for you. Having been in a similarish situation myself a long time ago I know how much the lies can screw with your head, so I'd also say look after yourself. If there's anyone you know you can confide in, then do. It helps.

P.S. I agree with the person who said get yourself checked for an STI pronto.

Whatever you're feeling, that's correct. If you feel he's cheated by having done this, then he's cheated. You don't need anyone else, us or him, to provide you with a definition of cheating

He is a sad loser and a horrible person. I would LTB and I almost never say that.

Book an std check

I'd get some 'evidence'. A few screen shots etc. I'm not sure why but it might be handy if he tries to rewrite the facts.

Sit down and plan out what you need to do to split up. Finances etc. This is the time to be practical.

Enlist the help of some real life support

File for divorce

Look after yourself and your kids.

Personally, I wouldn't bother discussing this with him. He has had his chances and there is no way in anyone's book that his behaviour is acceptable. Getting into arguments with him isn't going to change anything. If possible, try and keep things civil - it will make things easier in future when you are all dealing with the kids.

Certainly doesn't sound like "fun".

It's not something I'd tolerate once I had found out about it. How could you have a relationship if somebody did this.

If I found out that dh had done this, we'd be finished, been together 9 yrs and have 2 dc, it's unacceptable and the trust would be completely gone. He sounds vile, especially the way he's reacted since you found out-you deserve better.

He has lied to you, you don't trust him and on top of all that he's a creepy sad loser. You deserve much better than this OP. Personally, I would call it cheating yes. Cheating and lying. I would bin him.

A "bit of fun" is putting your arm round a co-worker at the office Xmas party and giving her a smacker on the cheek. This is cheating.

Before anyone comes back on me, my last post assumed (a) consent on the part of the smackee and (b) misletoe.

Whether he's physically cheated or not is irrelevant. Are you happy to let him continue this vile behaviour and allow him to prioritise this "just for fun" activity over your feelings?

That said, I'd bet my money on him having had sex with plenty of women behind your back.

If I were you, I'd chuck the fucker out regardless and get an STI check for my own peace of mind.

Chipping- hmmm ?? Hate to pre-judge, but...

I would want to know why he needs to be on the dating sites ! Has he actually met anyone from them ? Maybe he needs some extra thrills. Perhaps he could take up hang gliding instead !