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Original poster

Boyfriend went AWOL

64 replies

VIX1307 · 13/11/2014 13:23

Hi guys,

This is my first post here, so I hope you lovely ladies can help!
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now (official for 7 months). I'm 28 and he's 32.

He's never been a particularly great texter but I will always hear from him a few times a day.

I saw him at the weekend as usual and everything was great. Tuesday he was a bit off. Not responding or doing so in short answers which often happens if he goes into a man mood.

Yesterday he went completely AWOL. I didn't hear from him all morning (no response to my last message from the previous night) so I messaged him a little good afternoon message at about 1pm which he read straight away and ignored. By the time 11pm came and my bed time I still hadn't had a response so I messaged him again saying 'Just got in from a meal out with the girls (this was true) and how did his awards ceremony go for work?'

I went to sleep then and woke up again this morning to no message, despite me sending it at 11pm and his last online time being 2am, so he had seen it.

He was at work all day yesterday, then heading straight on to an awards ceremony, but he was showing as online a fair few times. I think it must take 2 seconds to shoot a quick reply and I've never gone a day without hearing from him so I thought this was a little off.

So anyway today he messages me saying how was the meal? Now I have no idea whether to just answer and act like everything is fine or is this showing him that it's fine to ignore me? I don't want to sound like a nag.

Should I mention it?

I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't 'online' for minutes on end, through out the day and night.

What would you do in this situation?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
VIX1307 · 13/11/2014 15:46

Thanks so much everyone. Feel a bit better now.
I think the evening before didn't help when he was being a bit off in messages. i.e how was the meal out? and 'ok' being the response.
Then the next day radio silence.
Personally, I would feel rude if my OH had sent me a couple of messages asking how I was doing and I didn't respond. It takes 5 seconds out of the whole day to type 'great but busy, TTYL.' and I find it hard to understand that someone is too busy to even do that. Even if it's while they are in the loo or something! Grin

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/11/2014 15:47

I would be backing away from this.

pompodd · 13/11/2014 15:51

Speaking as a man (and of course he may be completely different to me and there's not really any such thing as a "typical" man, I think) just reading your OP makes me feel claustraphobic - the checking when he's online and for how long, expecting instant replies etc.

And what's a "man mood"? Confused

HonoraryOctonaut · 13/11/2014 15:52

I would be pissed off at him having ready texts and ignoring me. He only had to send a quick text to say he was busy or something. And it was totally different to how they normal text so he would've know that you'd have noticed his short/lack of replies. It's bad manners. And then he sends you a normal text as if he hasn't just ignored you.

FreckledLeopard · 13/11/2014 15:58

I don't think you're overreacting. If the normal communication pattern between the two of you is to be in touch each day in a friendly, polite manner, then suddenly ignoring you, particularly if he was grumpy the day before, would worry me.

I don't think it has anything to do with being clingy or claustaphobic. It's reasonable to expect that if he's read your message and is normally in touch every day, he would reply.

Blowmeonelastkiss · 13/11/2014 16:05

When you said he had gone AWOL I thought you meant he had disappeared off the face of the earth/gone missing not just ignored your texts for a day.

Having said that it sounds as if he is a bit off with you if he has deliberately not texted back but that could blow over.

TheHermitCrab · 13/11/2014 16:13

I don't think there's any need to be rude and I don't know why posters would call you clingy or whatnot..

It's hard to know without knowing the norm.

For instance, me and my partner have been together 5 years, and he still texts me every day, even though we are always home together, and never apart, ever! (except for work) To some that is claustrophobic, to me it's how we are, so if one day I stopped replying to him all day or visa versa, we probably would consider it AWOL haha.

So if it's something completely out of the ordinary for the 7 months you've been together, it might not be you, but may be something wrong with him that day. xx

WildBillfemale · 13/11/2014 18:49

Sorry if I sound like a clingy gf- I'm far from it, though reading back on my post it probably does sound that way.
I wasn't messaging asking where he was, or why he wasn't replying etc

But you were still texting and you are here asking why he didn't reply? Stop texting and phone if you need to contact him

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 13/11/2014 18:53

It sounds utterly suffocating to keep updating eachother on the day and what you are doing to any given time.

Heels99 · 13/11/2014 19:29

He isn't your OH he is a boyfriend you have been seeing for 7 months. You are not joined at the hip.

Milmingebag · 13/11/2014 22:42

I think you need to chill out and back the shit off.

Make sure you go days where you communicate absolutely nothing. Be a bit more mysterious and uncontactable yourself.

Nobody is actually that interested in listening to the tedious detail of most people's existences. The need to share so frequently is a new thing and not a good development.

Seriously -all the checking is obsessional and creepy.

Roseflowers · 13/11/2014 23:54

I think you're getting a little bit of a hard time here OP, it's rather normal dating behavior these days to regularly text/ message your love interest/ boyfriend/ other half. Whilst some might find it suffocating, if this is the communication pattern you've established whilst dating then that's the norm for the two of you. Him going missing for the day after being short with you is definitely going to set off warning bells. It would with me anyway!

Its especially frustrating when you can clearly see that they've read your message and ignored it and THEN been online frequently since then. After all, if they've got time to chat relentlessly to other people then why the fuck shouldn't they be talking to you? As your boyfriend, shouldn't you be one of the people they want to talk to the most? If its really bothering you, I would call him up and just calmly have a chat about it. If nothing else, it will either put your mind at rest or confirm if there is anything that you need to be worried about

Shockers · 14/11/2014 00:07

Most people who started dating seriously before the age of the text would speak daily wouldn't they? Texts are just not a great form of communication because they don't convey feeling particularly well.

Having said that, it sounds like he had a hectic day/eve. Perhaps he read your texts under the table, but didn't want to be rude by openly texting during a dinner...( I've done that).

I wouldn't make a big deal out of one day of no communication if I were you.

mynewpassion · 14/11/2014 00:08

Am in living in a parallel universe? One day of no contact even if he saw the text and its red flags already? It wasn't an emergency. He was likely busy at the time and forgot to text later. By the time he saw it again, it was 2am.

He texted the next morning.

I am not going to say its suffocating. I just think there should be some consideration that one day of no communication or short responses ( nothing else suspicious) does not equal red flags.

I guess I am too nice, then.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/11/2014 00:12

Get a hobby. You need something to do other than obsessing about what your boyfriend is doing every minute of the day.

Fontella · 14/11/2014 00:38

Am in living in a parallel universe?

You literally took the words out of my mouth. I was thinking exactly that reading this thread. I must be getting old or something!

They have been an 'item' for seven months and the guy misses one day - a day when he's already said he's going straight from work to an awards do. Is there some law I don't know about that requires us to respond to every text we receive no matter how trivial? Is it written down somewhere that we aren't allowed to go online or talk to anyone else unless we've fulfilled our texting obligations to those who feel they deserve every text they send us to be responded to? If so I'm guilty on both counts many times over!

I can't believe there are those saying she should call him out on this. I can just imagine that conversation! 'Why didn't you not reply to my texts on Wednesday? I know you read them, I know you went online. You had time to talk to others online, but not to me!'

If that doesn't come across as needy and demanding, I'm not sure what does?

Maybe the bloke was busy, having an off day, couldn't be arsed, forgot, had better things to do, wanted a break, it wasn't convenient .... who knows? But is it really that big a deal?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 14/11/2014 00:44

If this was me, at an awards ceremony ( chatting, networking, eating, drinking and my phones buzzed to tell there's a message) I'd look at it to see if it was urgent, and if not I'd probably just put it back in my pocket and carry on. His mind was on other things, perfectly normal. I hate the 'seen' thing on messages, it's like read receipts in emails.
I'll respond in my own time, dammit! I will not be a slave to modern technology! :)

Nillia · 14/11/2014 00:55

To me it sounds like he has backed off a bit for some reason. Any idea why he might have done that OP? You said he gets "man moods" so does he do this often?

lavenderhoney · 14/11/2014 00:57

Are you on what's app? Turn on the privacy so you don't know when he's on line and vv. less stress for you. And- if youre out, why are you checking? Technology will destroy you if you let it.

And he was busy. You knew that. He has replied asking you about your night. He could have been online to clients etc. it's not all about you.

He and you need to feel comfy you don't have to reconnect every few hours. Blimey, I would be driven insane:)

Celestria · 14/11/2014 01:05

Man moods. Please explain OP? Does he regularly have his man moods and be funny with you? Any previous for silent treatment when you haven't been getting on? Ignored you before?

Course he could just have been busy and there is nothing in it at all. Just curious as to why you got so concerned.

Iflyaway · 14/11/2014 01:06

Wow! You expect a text even when someone is on the loo?! Hmm

Give the poor man a break!

You sound very needy.

Iflyaway · 14/11/2014 01:08

Wow! You expect him to text when he's on the loo? Hmm

Give the poor man some space!

You sound very needy.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/11/2014 06:34

Well, I don't know what this guy is like, but if I were coming up for an awards ceremony (other than as a casual observer) I'd probably be in a major funk about it and be totally focused on it until it was all over and probably still buzzing a bit after - wouldn't you? He may have been online for purposes connected to what he was doing that day, ie legitimately busy! I wouldn't think this incident was particularly indicative of him being a grumpy sod and/or someone else taking his attention, unless he starts to make a habit of it.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/11/2014 06:50

OP, sorry you're worried about this (and that you're being given such a hard time by some people on here ).
OK everyone, maybe she likes to contact her boyfriend more than you would, but it's not a moral crime and doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings worthy of consideration!
OP, all you can do is explain to him how it made you feel, maybe say you were worried you'd offended him, or something. If he says he thinks you text too much and doesn't want to have to keep replying, then you're in a position to make an informed decision as to whether to change how often you text him, or end the relationship and try to find someone more communicative.

McSqueezy · 14/11/2014 07:15

OP is being given a hard time, because either a lot of those replying simply do not understand the way "young people" use modern technology or because they are being deliberately ignorant.

Many people use WhatsApp as a primary mode of communication these days. If you talk to someone every day that way, and they suddenly begin to read and ignore your messages...well they are probably trying to tell you something.

It's apparent he had some issue...perhaps he was busy, but you know him better than we do. If he is now back to his normal self I would leave it alone. But if he does it again, ask him what the problem is.