my mum has gone nuts tonight :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies me again :(
been on here on another thread re my xboyf but I also have a very strange mum and as the advice was so helpful re men I thought u might have some useful words of wisdom....here goes....
ds lost his coat at school ( 4th one this yr) of no importance to him to find it as he says my mum will buy him a new one to stop me telling him off ( which she will....shes not into me or my 2 girls at all but dotes on him ) so anyway I told him this was not acceptable/ he needs to learn some personal responsibility etc ( hes 11 ) and that if he didnt find it today at school id confiscate his ipod for the night....
tonight no coat so no ipod simple as that until he said he needed it for his homework....I caved and said he could have it for an hour to do homework then needed to hand it back as didnt want him on games etc...he started being cheeky so told him to go to his room and come back when he could talk civily and I would give him it for his homework...this was all v.calm I wasnt shouting at all
what he actually did was go to his room text my mum ( on a phone she bought him which I objected to ) and say I was being mean/stopped him from doing his homework etc
she then drove over barrelled in my house all guns blazing in front of all 3 kids...screaming at me what type of mum was I stopping him doing his homework...I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was shouting so much both my little girls were crying as she was frightening them so I told my son to go to his room and her to get out sternly...touching the arm of her coat ( not even hard enough to touch her arm thru it as I said it ) she went nuts saying id attacked her n then swung her arm round and hit me round the chest...all the time my daughters r crying then she told my son to get in her car even tho I was telling him to go to his room....he did ( as she was on his side ) but she was screaming and shouting so much on my drive I had to lock her out as she was frightening my girls so much so couldnt go n reason with ds to come bk in and not go with his nan....she was being that loud I told her if she didnt leave id call the police but he was to stay here
they both left....ive text her saying pls drop him off before school...she hasnt replied, shes terrified my daughters and I'm sleeping with the key in the lock so she has to ring in the morning as I keep waking up to her in my house...
this isnt right is it????
any advice appreciated
sorry its so long!!! x

[PedantMarina]

Perfect, Kellell! That's exactly the emotion you should be channeling:

1. we can say until we're blue in the face that youo ARE worth more than this, but for the moment you just don't believe it so, in the great tradition of "fake it till you make it", emotionally distancing yourself from youself is a good way to change the way you feel about the treatment that has been dealt out to "that rather lovely lady who has very nice daughters".

1. Just as important (in some ways more so), your daughters are more important than this! They deserve to grow up not being stymied by crap values that your mother (and, no doubt, exes) would try to force upon them. And they deserve a tiger mamma who is going to fight to make sure this happens.

So, bottom line, you keep on with that. Stay strong until you FEEL strong. It's rarely the other way around. (truth of ages).

[kelell17]

thank u pendantmarina :) I'm glad u knew what I was on about wasnt sure if I was making sense or just rambling! I look at my daughters and cry that ANYONE would ever treat them the way the closest people to me have for years I'm trying to be happy and strong for them and my son but tbh its a struggle :( I feel like I'm fighting back tears constantly atm plus fielding texts from my ex who is the only person offering to give me a hug I dont want to fall back into that trap just coz I'm feeling so broken at the moment .... I wish I was a stronger person :( x

[PedantMarina]

Oh, Kelell, here's un-mumsnetty hugs from me and I KNOW others will join in soon).

Just as Courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to go on in spite of fear, strength is not the absence of weakness, but the courage to go on in spite of [perceived] weakness.

You are NOT weak. You have been spending so much time, emotional and mental energy dealing with crap that shouldn't be on your menu, you can achieve anything. You just have to re-align your brain to accept the "filet mignon and lobster" that's on the menu, instead of the pot noodle and shit sandwich that you've been fed so far.

Wow, must be a mumsnet record for dodgy analogies in a single message...

[kelell17]

thank u that made me smile :) I often think how much could I get done if I wasnt so sad all the time n sat on the sofa crying when kids asleep....hopefully soon ill see :) x

[OldLadyKnows]

Kel, if you're still managing to keep your ex (and how joyous do I feel that you use "ex" instead of "boyfriend", go you!) at bay, you're doing a fantastic job.

Other than that, I second everything that PedantMarina has said, dodgy analogies and all.

[kelell17]

thanks oldladyknows.....its hard its really hard! I do still miss him ( stupidly ) and I could do with the comfort right now but I'm trying not to go back there....hes nicer to me now than he was when we were together....funny that! x

[OldLadyKnows]

Yeah, he's nice when he wants you back, so he can weep and wail about his terrible fictitious troubles, and tell you to stfu when you need some support back - like now! You're doing really well, and thinking of how you'd like your daughters to be treated is a brilliant step towards thinking of how you'd like (and deserve) to be treated, too.

Have you managed to speak to HR? How's your health holding up? (It's amazing how many women no longer need various meds/suffer physical pain when they get shot of the abusers in their lives...)

[kelell17]

wish I could stop being so weak and letting myself be treated and spoken to like total dirt all the time!!! hate myself that I'm such a mug n cant stop crying :(
soery just had to get that out as I have no one else to talk to.... x

[Simile]

You're not weak at all. You have incredible resiliance and strength of character to be able to deal with everything you have done. It's absolutely natural for your emotions to be on a rollercoaster - you're simply processing the situation. (And I wouldn't be surprised if you're also now processing some things from your past too).

Make sure there's no new hidden phones in your DSs room and please do change the lock or put a bolt on the front door (then come out of the back). It's essential that you know that you are secure in your home.

With work/family/friends you need to let them know what's happening otherwise your mum may get in first with her story. Good to hear your Dad is supporting you. She is slandering you at work, she will do this to your friends too. Counteract that move as much as you can.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Simile]

Other ways your mum could contact your DS is through email or social media. Make sure this contact is cut too.

[campingfilth]

This is truly awful for you. I would get a dictaphone and anytime she is near you press record or use your phone.

Get HR involved but more importantly your union, most unions will pay for so many counselling sessions. If you aren't in a union join one now.

Your mother is a vile toxic bitch and trust me there will be some people aware of how she is but they like you are probably too scared to say/do anything about it.

Stay strong xxxxx

[FrancisdeSales]

You may want to speak in confidence to the Head of your son's school. Explain the situation, that you are both in the police and fear is preventing you from reporting her. You need to have responsible, official people involved and documenting all this. Make sure she is not allowed to make any contact with your son at school without your permission. Ask the Head if they have any ideas how to handle harrassment of this sort - they may well have ideas to help you monitor it. Whatever you do tell plenty of people in real life - don't let her control the narrative. I also second the idea of contacting the Domestic Violence Unit of a force outside your local area to discuss your concerns and see what advice they give you.

[kelell17]

thank u ladies...tomorrow at work in going to join the union and see what they can do to help....I have spoken to my sons teacher as the headteacher is worse than useless!
just lying on the sofa trying to chill I went all funny tonight suddenly really dizzy and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest...is this a panic attack? ( altho I wasnt panicking at the time ) really scared me as alone in the house with kids.... I'm feeling alot better now tho ive rested for a bit x

[FrancisdeSales]

This is from a random page on the internet but gives you a flavour of what is going on here: your mum is a raging Narcissist (and I know that gets thrown around alot here but she certainly has a personality disorder) she is splitting your little family into the good/bad reflecting herself (NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

"I’ve described the tendency for NPDs to demonstrate favouritism towards their children and grandchildren. This is a form of emotional abuse. It compares and excludes and thus implies inferiority or flaw in the excluded. Such conditional affection is typical. Demonstrations of love by an NPD sufferer really depend on what you can do for them. Sadly they often decide that the best thing one grandchild or set of grandchildren can do is provide them with an archetypal “bad” family for them to dump all their negative emotions on. Psychologists call this splitting. The damaged personality of your NPD is unable to contain good and bad and all shades in between in their mind at once so all the good gets projected onto one child or grandchild and all the bad onto the other. That way they enact their own internal split between the false perfect self they display to the world and the deeper flawed self they are so disgusted and ashamed of."

"I think one of the most insidious things a NPD can do is undermine parental authority thus creating confusion in the child’s mind as to how their parents’ rules should be viewed. Narcissists think they know best and my NPD positively enjoys feeling she has got one over on an authority of some kind. Combine these two and you can see how she is never going to accept our parental authority over our children. If you say bed at 7pm and grandma who is babysitting cheekily ignores this, whispers to the child how this is their little secret and sends them to bed at 8.30pm you have one confused, guilty and manipulated child."

[kelell17]

francisdesales....thank u that is really interesting and pretty much describes her to a t! my son is the perfect side ( literally can do no wrong EVER and hes a child so we all know they r not behaved 24/7 ) and me and thr girls are the other side...shes not mean as such to the girls like she is to me but just isnt bothered about them, spoils my son but never anything for them etc x

[FrancisdeSales]

More info on Narcissistic Mothers so you know you are not alone

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

[FrancisdeSales]

It is obviously inappropriate to be attempting to diagnose anyone with any kind of mental health issue. In this case though Kelell I sincerely think you are in desperate need of education. You are not alone! There are people out there (rare, thank God) whose personalities are dramatically skewed from the norm to the point that their personality is disordered: hence personality disorder. I was blissfully unaware of any of this until I had the strangest "friendship" of my life. The woman in question was a veterinarian, so highly educated. She behaved in so many, many bizarre ways but I tried to explain them all away - until things started to get very serious - involving my children. That's when someone finally told me about Personality Disorders. I asked my DH who is a doctor, if this was legit - is this for real? And the first thing he said was "definitely, in fact I think (Vet) has a personality disorder"! (!!) I could've decked him.

Whether a diagnosis is in order or not - you need to understand this behaviour for what it is. It is not about you and never was and this person WILL NOT CHANGE unless they willingly get to a point of self-reflection and want to. You need to protect yourself and your children. Read up on NPD - I think it will help you when you realise that NPDs have long histories of broken relationships of all kinds. They find it almost impossible to have intimate relationships.

One of their chief characteristics is: NO EMPATHY.

[LurkingHusband]

FrancisdeSales

I think one of the most insidious things a NPD can do is undermine parental authority thus creating confusion in the child’s mind as to how their parents’ rules should be viewed

Do you know us ?

This is exactly what my MiL (MrsLHs mother) did. In her case she played on the fact that I was estranged from my family, and that DS was MrsLHs first (and only) child. So we were looking to her for advice, and help. Which slowly took over. Because I had experienced a family rift myself, I knew how painful and damaging they can be, so to avoid a bust up I bit my tongue, until it was too late.

To the OP - you are doing so well. I am a relative newcomer to MN, and wish with all my heart it had been here those years ago. It would have helped me understand that MiL was not normal, and how to challenge her ... ironically it may have helped her, as the only option left after an assault (on me) was the police and NC.

[AdoraBell]

Kel yes, that sounds exactly like a pánico attack. Do have anything bathroomy with lavender? A soap, bubble bath, massage oil? If not then Get some essential oil Tomorrow if you can. This really helps me with stress, I mix it four or five drops in a table spoon of any other oil - olive oil, cheap cooking oil, it really makes no difference - then massage that onto my temples, neck, shoulders, hands and wrists and feet. Another good oil for the bath is Neroli, add a few drops To a warm bath.

This won't cure everything but it will help you relax a little. And talk To your Dr. about the pánico attack.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Kel Have a look at Stately Home thread. You should be able to find lots of advice and support as most posters on the thread have "difficult" parents.

[FrancisdeSales]

Susan Forward is often recommended on here and her book "Toxic Parents".

Well she just published a new book in 2014 called "Mothers who can't love: a healing guide for daughters" which you may want to have a look at. Even reading the responses and reviews on Amazon is very enlightening in terms of many women having similar experiences to you OP.

[FrancisdeSales]

Here's the link www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Hopingforpeace]

Just read through this thread. OP, you are doing really well. Your mum sounds horrendous. Keep going

[kelell17]

hi ladies thanks for the advice...had another one of these panic attacks or whatever they are tonight...I ended up covering myself in this lavender roll on stuff I use to help the kids sleep and funnily enough it did help! I feel broken tonight but am going to try and do this freedom programme starting tomorrow as long as I can do it on my phone??? my ipad is broken and have no laptop....also I have been googling the books people mentioned...maybe I should put these on my xmas list to send to my mums side of the family...just kidding but would amuse me slightly!
I feel so up and down crying uncontrollably one min, panic attacks n then sort of ok again...is this normal? am starting to worry maybe theres something wrong with me aswell as her! x

[OldLadyKnows]

Totally normal, kelell, have no fears on that score. Lavender is a well-known herbal remedy for sleeplessness, stress etc, there's a reason the Victorians used it so much!

Over the past few weeks you've stood up to, and dumped, an abusive boyfriend who did nothing but bring you down and treat you badly. On top of that, you're confronting a very, very difficult mother, who not only invades your home and tries to influence your ds against you, but who also shares your workspace.

I'd say you're doing fabulously well. You'll keep crying a bit; you're mourning a lot, the loss of what the ex bf could have been, what your DM should have been. It's ok to cry in these circumstances.

You'll still have the odd panic attack, but you know what they are now, and they'll become less scary.

And then the "sort of Ok" times will get longer.

It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. You're very brave, and you're doing this for your dc.

You have my absolute admiration.