my mum has gone nuts tonight :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies me again :(
been on here on another thread re my xboyf but I also have a very strange mum and as the advice was so helpful re men I thought u might have some useful words of wisdom....here goes....
ds lost his coat at school ( 4th one this yr) of no importance to him to find it as he says my mum will buy him a new one to stop me telling him off ( which she will....shes not into me or my 2 girls at all but dotes on him ) so anyway I told him this was not acceptable/ he needs to learn some personal responsibility etc ( hes 11 ) and that if he didnt find it today at school id confiscate his ipod for the night....
tonight no coat so no ipod simple as that until he said he needed it for his homework....I caved and said he could have it for an hour to do homework then needed to hand it back as didnt want him on games etc...he started being cheeky so told him to go to his room and come back when he could talk civily and I would give him it for his homework...this was all v.calm I wasnt shouting at all
what he actually did was go to his room text my mum ( on a phone she bought him which I objected to ) and say I was being mean/stopped him from doing his homework etc
she then drove over barrelled in my house all guns blazing in front of all 3 kids...screaming at me what type of mum was I stopping him doing his homework...I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was shouting so much both my little girls were crying as she was frightening them so I told my son to go to his room and her to get out sternly...touching the arm of her coat ( not even hard enough to touch her arm thru it as I said it ) she went nuts saying id attacked her n then swung her arm round and hit me round the chest...all the time my daughters r crying then she told my son to get in her car even tho I was telling him to go to his room....he did ( as she was on his side ) but she was screaming and shouting so much on my drive I had to lock her out as she was frightening my girls so much so couldnt go n reason with ds to come bk in and not go with his nan....she was being that loud I told her if she didnt leave id call the police but he was to stay here
they both left....ive text her saying pls drop him off before school...she hasnt replied, shes terrified my daughters and I'm sleeping with the key in the lock so she has to ring in the morning as I keep waking up to her in my house...
this isnt right is it????
any advice appreciated
sorry its so long!!! x

[ElsieMc]

This is just awful OP. I am a grandparent carer who has a residence order for my GC. This is nothing for you to worry about in itself, my circumstances were very, very different and I certainly did not actively seek to take them.

She has been quite clever in establishing herself as a prime mover in your GS's life. Overnight stays, taking him and the other children to appointments, collections from school etc. But she does not have parental responsibility and never will have. She has no right to take them to any appointments of this nature and had no right to take your son. You need PR to give permission for medical treatment etc.

You need to speak to the school about collections to ensure they are not handed over to her without your permission.

She could, worst case scenario, gain contact with the children by applying to the court. However, she cannot just apply, she would have to apply for permission to take proceedings in the first place. She would have to go through mediation first as well, all very time consuming and costly. Do remember that many people cannot afford representation in family matters now and do self represent. At least you get to say what you want to say.

It is not my intention to worry you but you really need to take some legal advice from a family solicitor (30 minutes free interview), speak to the school, doctors etc.

I believe she is very foolish to have upped the game in the way she has although I doubt you will see it this way at the moment.

[Meerka]

Agreed, you very badly need to get officialdom involved. And put it on record, in writing, to doctor, dentist etc that only YOU can make appointments. Also, speak to the school if you haven't already and put it in writing that only you can pick up your children unless by your express permission and that all infomation regarding the children is to be passed ONLY to you.

[Meerka]

elsie due to the previous record of her having done a lot of childcare, the courts might give her access. :/

[Bogeyface]

Is there another station you can use to make complaints? If you explain that due to the work situation at your own station they may agree to it. I know that normally you would be referred to your local station but in this instance maybe they would waive that?

[twizzleship]

had a txt msg last night saying my girls have a dentist appt tonight....which I knew nothing about and she had booked!

keep the txt message as proof of her interference and continual harassment.

i hope you understand now that we were not being dramatic when we said she needs to be dealt with properly straight away. you need to start taking steps to prevent any more harassment from her and get it all down on official record - and get legal advice. for all you know she may well have phoned social services on you declaring you an unfit parent or saying your children are in danger.

we're on your side op so stay strong

[kelell17]

its more that the process chain of who to talk to in a grievance and how to escalte it is going to be very awkward in this situation due to her having so many friends in the positions I would need to speak to...x

[MultipleMama]

Awkward is better than having her continuously belittle you as a person and parent and run the risk of her actually getting what she wants. By not going straight forward with this and hesitating because it's "awkward" and "more believe her", you are to them, making yourself look like the "bad person" because you are not calling her out on it to the people she's told. I don't mean to be harsh, but you HAVE to put your doubts and timid thought process behind you, and make it blatantly plain to your mother and those you've both told, what is really going on and that YOU ARE taking it further because you've had enough.

How is she able to book appointments for your children, and how come you have received the text message? Surely she would know the text would be sent to you. speak to everyone that has care over your children and make them aware that she is to have no contact with your children and to contact you immediately if she tries. Also make your boss and her boss (if it's different) that she has/is attempting to take your children out of school with your permission verbal or otherwise.

I hate to mention it, but maybe she's picking them up in her uniform and using it (and her status) as a way to take your children out of school i.e telling them that yes, she on usually allowed to take the children out but as it's a "police matter" she overrules that, or maybe uses the line "well you can call her if you like" making the other person more likely to believe them....

Wishing you all the luck!

[kelell17]

hi multiplemama...ur right I know :( she booked a dentist appt and then she text me last night about it the dentist dont text....the doctors do but in essence she could call any of these and book appts saying shes thier mum and the receptionist wouldnt know....
she doesnt wear uniform ( nor do I ) she just uses her status at work and how well connected she is ( friends with all the higher ups ) to make me feel no one would believe me over her and tbh shes prob right :( x

[DollyTwat]

Op my ex spent about 10 years being like this. Reporting me to social services for made up reasons, every time I told one of the dc off they'd call him and he'd go nuts.

It's very difficult to parent when you have someone actively undermining you and looking for ways to make your life difficult

So, you need to be proactive here
Don't let her take you by surprise
Report her, I'll bet she's not as respected as you think she is. People will be horrified that she's doing this to you

[Sister77]

Op, doctors, dentists, schools etc can arrange passwords for this kind of thing.
She has no PR so should not be arranging anything. Unfortunately I don't think that you will be able to pick and choose contact eg. She takes DS to after school clubs etc, it will have to be totally no contact. Even if you can't afford nanny cam, use your phone to record conversations etc and like pp have said, keep a diary and record everything.
Do not be afraid of taking it further. She is probably relying on your "fear" to not take it further.

[kelell17]

well it had all gone quiet but just had a call from a lady at the "first response team" on my mobile while at work asking did I need any support as it's been reported I locked my son out of the house last week! anonymous report of course but has to be my mum as how else did they get my mobile number?
got to ring This lady back at lunch. ... In tears again now :( x

[Clutterbugsmum]

Sorry your upset but see this a positive move forward. Ring the lady back and be honest about everything your mother has done and is continuing doing. It's the only way to get support for yourself and your dc, but also and more importantly it takes away the 'power' your mother has, as the more people know about what she is doing the less she can hide and make people think you have something wrong with you.

[wallypops]

Kelell - please can you update us on what steps you have taken. You seem to have had lots of good advice here, but as far as we know you may not have taken any of it.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

Oh sweetie, you are in the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

I bet you'll be surprised at how many of her friends and colleagues know what an utter cow she can be. It is really really common for everyone to say "yeah, I'm not surprised that was being a total bastard" when they hear the truth.

Get your side of the story in NOW!

Stop hiding it from the DC. Someone is trying to fuck with their lives. Let them see you fighting back. Let them know that she is toxic. Make sure the children know what she is up to. They will be your greatest advocates in all this. The authorities will put much more weight on what they say than what you or your mother say. Keeping them out of it is impossible btw, they'll be interviewed before long, the authorities would be seriously remiss if they didn't.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Hugs. Please go official in RL. Ask for help from social services, etc. Use this thread as proof. Your earliest post of Thu 13-Nov-14 should preceed some of her earlier statements.

For some reason your mum has decided that the gloves are off and that she will teach you a lesson.

You need RL advice and protection. (((hugs)))

[FannyBlott]

OP I have a mother like this but I live several hours from her and her access to my children is very restricted so she cannot get her toxic claws into us.
I cried a bit for you reading this, it's an awful situation to be in and I really feel for you. You need to get evidence of her behaviour so she can't deny it.
Do you think she has persuaded your son to lie for her?
The texting "ok" whenever you stand up to her is exactly what my mother does too, it's a way of minimising it and also trying make you think "did I over react? perhaps she is being reasonable, maybe I'm in the wrong?" and then she plots her next move.
My relationship with my mother is ok now, I had to cut her off completely first which was really hard to do and now I allow contact, she knows if she starts being abusive in my home she will be asked to leave and if she doesn't leave the police will be called. I do not allow her unsupervised contact with my children at all and never will. I do not share much with her or involve her in my life much.
You need to try and change it so you are in control, you need to go no contact but your situation is such a difficult one, I don't know how it can be done.
What a horrible horrible woman!
My mother still does not accept she has ever done anything wrong, she thinks I have just "seen reason" despite all her children, her mother, my father and her siblings telling her she is abusive and she is the problem.
I guess the difference is my mother has no friends and will be abusive in public so everyone knows what she is like and I have siblings who back me up.
I really feel for you, I really hope you can get free of her, you may find that she's not as respected or popular as she appears to be.

[kelell17]

hi ladies so far I have taken key off my mum ( and sent a msg saying should she try and gain access to my home by any other way/key/the kids I will not hesitate to report her to the police for harassment ) I have spoken to my boss and a senior officer at work to tell them I feel she may make false allegations against me, spoken to the school to say they let no one collect the children bar me or even discuss children with anyone else and taken her off all emergency contacts for children.....
I've spoken to the lady who phoned me this morning and she agrees the problem is not with me or my son its my mum but that they can't help me with that as only offer support re children's behaviour x

[BodminPill]

Please be careful. It sounds like she is trying to make a case against you. The allegations about locking your Son out are probably related to you asking for your keys back in front of witnesses. Who knows what yarn she's fabricated. Do not underestimate her. To be waging a campaign like this against her own a Daughter, she is toxic to the max..

[kelell17]

Thanks ladies....I don't even know what to say I just want to cry! if she hates me this much why doesnt she just ignore me or stay away from me or even pretend I dont exist but still see the kids....I don't know why she has to actively hurt me at any possible opportunity....I'm not sleeping worrying about her next move.... I knew the professional standards wouldn't be the end of it and this prob won't be either as it hasnt worked in her favour so she will have to think up something else now.... God only knows what :( x

[DayLillie]

Keep a log of everything, who you talked to and their responses straight away, then put it away, so you do not have to keep going over it in your mind. Put it somewhere safe, and get it out when you have time to think about it.

If she keeps this up for long, it will make it easier to say who you talked to and when, clearly. It will also help get facts straight when you need to, whilst you are dealing with the emotional turmoil of it being your mother.

She must be expending a lot of emotional energy on this and it is bound to show at some point, in front of the people she seems to be able to impress.

[kelell17]

I have started writing everything down and will continue to do so....I just feel so hurt, when will this stop :( I feel so emotionally battered by it I'm struggling to eat or sleep atm....maybe that's her intention to push me to breaking :( x

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I suspect her intentions aren't focused on you at all. Clearly she wants a second go at playing mama, she wants your son.

And you are just the inconvenient object in the way.

She wants to take you out of the equation by crushing you. She won't be concerned about using anything and everything to help her. No boundaries, no lines she wouldn't cross. Just crush the opposition.

I am very worried that your mind isn't working like this, that every step she takes is a horrible and shocking move that you can't believe she would do to you...

You need to start believing it, and stop reacting to her and get a Pre-emptive plan going of your own.

It's so easy to see this, and say this, from an outsiders perspective, but much harder to do, I know.

[Bogeyface]

I think Miscellaneous is right.

You need to start being proactive rather than reactive.

Stop waiting for her to pull the next stunt and then deal with it, anticipate all the things she could do and put in as many safeguards as you can. Even the most outrageous things need to be prepared for, she clearly will stop at nothing.

Do you claim any benefits such as tax credits or housing benefit? I wouldnt put it past her to report you for fraud so make sure you have all the relevant paperwork to prove you are not claiming anything you are not entitled to. Also, if you can get some savings together just in case they suspend anything. It might be worth contacting social services and explaing the situation to them and asking if there is anything they can do to help, by you contacting them first it takes the power out of her hands if she tries to report you again.

[PedantMarina]

when will this stop

Sorry for the upcoming tough love, but the answer is:

When. You. Make. It. Stop. This is not going to just magically go away. And even less likely, she's not going to suddenly find her humanity and leave you alone.

Totally with Misc and Bogeyface here, you have to get proactive, anticipate anything she might throw your way, get your ducks in a row and tell RL people before she gets to them. Being reactive has gained you very little so far. Look at it as an "investment of toughness" - whatever you do now will save you down the line.

Find your inner Tiger Mama and start fighting.