my mum has gone nuts tonight :(

[kelell17]

hi ladies me again :(
been on here on another thread re my xboyf but I also have a very strange mum and as the advice was so helpful re men I thought u might have some useful words of wisdom....here goes....
ds lost his coat at school ( 4th one this yr) of no importance to him to find it as he says my mum will buy him a new one to stop me telling him off ( which she will....shes not into me or my 2 girls at all but dotes on him ) so anyway I told him this was not acceptable/ he needs to learn some personal responsibility etc ( hes 11 ) and that if he didnt find it today at school id confiscate his ipod for the night....
tonight no coat so no ipod simple as that until he said he needed it for his homework....I caved and said he could have it for an hour to do homework then needed to hand it back as didnt want him on games etc...he started being cheeky so told him to go to his room and come back when he could talk civily and I would give him it for his homework...this was all v.calm I wasnt shouting at all
what he actually did was go to his room text my mum ( on a phone she bought him which I objected to ) and say I was being mean/stopped him from doing his homework etc
she then drove over barrelled in my house all guns blazing in front of all 3 kids...screaming at me what type of mum was I stopping him doing his homework...I couldn't get a word in edgeways she was shouting so much both my little girls were crying as she was frightening them so I told my son to go to his room and her to get out sternly...touching the arm of her coat ( not even hard enough to touch her arm thru it as I said it ) she went nuts saying id attacked her n then swung her arm round and hit me round the chest...all the time my daughters r crying then she told my son to get in her car even tho I was telling him to go to his room....he did ( as she was on his side ) but she was screaming and shouting so much on my drive I had to lock her out as she was frightening my girls so much so couldnt go n reason with ds to come bk in and not go with his nan....she was being that loud I told her if she didnt leave id call the police but he was to stay here
they both left....ive text her saying pls drop him off before school...she hasnt replied, shes terrified my daughters and I'm sleeping with the key in the lock so she has to ring in the morning as I keep waking up to her in my house...
this isnt right is it????
any advice appreciated
sorry its so long!!! x

[Fattyfattyyumyum]

Surely if you're at work you can just say "yes you have the key silly, it's right there"

[kelell17]

I did say that! she covered it with her bag and then repeated she didnt have it.... I'm leaving early and picking kids up early from school as seen on her work diary she has booked to leave early to collect them from school ...

[BarbarianMum]

When you get down to the bare bones OP it's actually pretty simple. She wants your son. Unless you get her out of his life pronto she will get him because in 3 or 4 years time, if he wants to live with her, the courts will let him. And he will want to - every time you put a boundary in place, don't give him what he wants, give him a consequence for poor behaviour.

If your current home, job and friends are more important to you than your son then stay put. If not, change your locks, look for a new job and move. Create that paper trail, log her impossible behaviour - speak to the school, your GP, Womens aid.

I'm so sorry you are in this position but you are in very imminent danger of failing your son and allowing this woman tearing your family apart.

[Coyoacan]

If your current home, job and friends are more important to you than your son then stay put. If not, change your locks, look for a new job and move

Of course if you think she would be a good person to raise your son, the easiest thing would be to pack his bags and send him off at once.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Phone the schools tell them what happen last night and tell them they are not to allow them to go with anyone but you.

[captainproton]

kelell17 - I have been in a similar situation, we needed my mother to leave as she was abusive to all of us and massively disrespectful. she used to enter our rooms in the night and scream obscenities at us. Plus toher major instances involving the police.

We had to seek legal advice, and they told us to take recordings of my mother. she too had a position of authority and I am sure no one believes what happened to this day, she was so good at hiding it and playing the victim.

Anyway we filmed her abusing the dog, her night time antics, other threats she made.

We took her to court and she ended up with a restraining order, she was not allowed near my father or within 100yds of our home. She didn't even contest it, because we had evidence.

I also know that before the evidence was colelcted and she could see we were starting to stand up to her more she ramped her behaviour no end. So my advice would be not to say anyhting to her and just do it. Get the evidence, get a restraining order, the police don't need to be involved at all.

[giggly]

As you work for the Police can you not access their employee assistance programme or occupational health and get some RL support. I would also
Speak to your dc head teacher and make them aware of the problems and inform them not to pass any info about the kids to you mother. Do you need her for after school care or does she does take it upon Herself to collect your dc?

[FelineLou]

There is no such thing as grandparent rights in UK. No matter how much money she has she cannot remove your children from your custody.
I agree with other posters get evidence of her awful behaviour. Record on phone and if it gets too bad do it openly so she has to stop or show her true self.
Tell school she has no right to take or be with your children.
When you have positive evidence then report to police. PCs have webcams these days and phones can record and take video. Take action before this overwhelms you.
So sorry that these problems are in your life but you have right on your side.

[DayLillie]

Is DS at high school yet? At ours, there are homework clubs with computers and assistants and this can be arranged with HOY.

Then there is no need for computer at home, or grandma.

[LurkingHusband]

Meeka

Thankfully, it seems so. The fracturing of the family dynamic seems to have a profound effect on DS, and he's like a different person - much nicer, more fun - we all enjoy him popping round now. He's even mature enough to take leaving home in his stride ("Well, I would have to have done it sometime, so it's best to get it out of the way now" is what he said). So we are thankful. However the flipside is the realisation that [my] MiL effectively ruined our families time together - something we will never ever get back. I think mumsnet is missing an icon here - we need a blubbing like a baby one.

Just a note to the OP that in our case - subtly, but it was deliberate - MiL used looking after DS as a leverage to ensure our compliance, which reading MN seems to be a classic trick in a controlling DM/MiL ...

[Meerka]

I'm pleased that it's got so much better LH. I can only imagine the regret of the lost years, but at least you got him back in the end.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Hi OP.

You need to go to the station front desk once at work tomorrow, and report the assault on you, the abduction of your child and the theft of your door key. If asked why you hadn't rung 999, tell them that you were too distressed.

This is the first step to neutralising this venomous and dangerous woman. Be aware that she will ramp up, and that's where Automatic Call Recorder comes in. Nannycam would be good, but it's voice recording that will sink her.

Then, go and see your union rep, as your mum's a fellow employee and from the reference to shared diaries appears to be in your line management. Explain that there will be a harassment case opening and you fear her displeasure.

Start a diary. Record every convwrsation. Change the locks and tell your landlord the previous key is in the possession of your abuser.

Courage.

[Bogeyface]

If you cover the cost and give your landlord a copy of the key then you can tell him that you lost your keys with something that had your address on so you changed the locks straight away for security reasons. As long as it is the correct lock, fitted properly, and doesnt cost them anything then I can see that they wouldnt be ok with that.

In the meantime make sure you leave your key turned in the lock at all times, and fit a bolt.

[twizzleship]

you're being bullied rotten op and you need to start standing up to her. i know you feel scared but how just think how you will feel when she has successfully poisoned your son against you? the only reason she's getting away with her current behaviour is because you are letting her.

find the money for at least one nanny cam, download apps onto your phone etc and start recording and logging all toxic behavior. Ring the police on her the minute she starts banging on your door - don't get scared by her threats or the thought that no one will take you seriously. record all the stress and anxiety with your gp. all of this will strengthen your case if it comes to that.

speak to your dc school and make it clear that under no circumstances is she allowed to pick them up from school unless you personally tell them she can.

you need to start standing up for yourself and your son NOW op or else you can kiss him goodbye because she will get her claws into him.

[WitchWay]

She is awful! You must report her before she does any more harm.

[LurkingHusband]

Just to add that this is already going to have had a devastating effect on your DC - all of them. You will need to be prepared for the fact they could need some sort of help (counselling). If not now, in future. They've already had a traumatic scene of two people they are supposed to feel safe with at loggerheads. Which is not something they may easily get over.

[kelell17]

hey ladies I'm home with all 3 dc :) have told her not to text/phone or come to the house if she does I will report her for harrasment....oh and I will pop into work to collect my key tomorrow if I find she has had another cut and tries to use it I will phone the police....she just said ok
that seemed too easy! doubt she really means ok!

[WitchWay]

Hmm it does sound much too easy. She will have had a key cut for sure. Could you put a bolt on the inside of the door till you change the lock?

[Bogeyface]

I dont know.....she works at the police station so would know that they must investigate any allegation you make regardless of their personal feelings. If it is found that she has indeed been found to be harrassing you (and dont forget they can ask your children who saw her assault you and heard her screaming and shouting) then she could very well lose her job.

I wonder if she has realised that she has gone too far this time and is risking her own career.

I am not saying breathe out just yet, stay vigilant and definitely see if you can get anything of her recorded if she does visit again.

[kelell17]

just to reiterate I NEVER said in any post that moving away/ changing the kids schools wouldnt be "worth" doing to protect my children...mad how things get twisted isnt it! I said that I'm not prepared to change the childrens whole life for her! That wouldn't be fair on them I just need to try and cut her out completely.....
Coyoacan...u obviously didn't read the thread...either that or are being sarcastic which I don't really think is needed tbh do u?
To all the others Thanks for your kind words, advice and replies :)

[kelell17]

Witchway....bolt inside door is number 1 job while dc at school tomorrow...
Bogeyface ..I don't think she even things such things like she's risking her job she's so full of herself at work she prob thinks she will just make a counter allegation it will turn into one persons word against another and nothing would come of it

[QueenofallIsee]

Jesus OP, she is completely deranged. You have had great advice on this thread, please protect your children from this awful influence. You must start standing up for yourself, and speaking about this with people. You must record what you are going through and get into more secure habits in regards to your home and children (deadbolts, lock changes etc). Speak to the school and make it clear that she is no longer authorized to collect the children and that it will be a child protection issue if she does etc etc

[msrisotto]

Do let the school know that only you are to take them at the end of the day.

[overslept]

Well done OP, you have taken the first steps. When she gets in a mood and has another pop at you be prepared, record it, make copies so it can't be deleted, even playing it back to her before you show it to anybody else might make her realise just how serious her actions are. Really glad to hear your son is home safe and you have your key back.

[kelell17]

thanks overslept :) I don't have my key back yet....I told her I will pop in work to get it tomorrow, she just put ok....shes prob off getting another cut as we speak...crazy woman! :( x