sex with new partners

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Before sleeping with my recent man who I'm dating, only had one sexual partner.

I'm not a totally sheltered type but a few things i am not use to.

Hair pulling and lip biting, actual blood from last time kissing( Not true blood type) I'm not freaked out but not sure what sexual reference this kind of thing is in. He's almost a decade younger and seems more domineering than last partner who was probably more wanting me to do work.

My question is, What kind of man likes to pull hair and nibble his woman. He is very sweet and attentive outside bedroom. I am older but not very experienced with this style.

I dont think he is being villified. OP is asking for advice.

Why don't you just ask him, very casually, do you watch porn. If it sounds like a disinterested question and not an opening for you to pass judgement you will probably get an honest answer.

Hair pulling, biting - could just be a bit too enthusiastic and a little bit domineering. Could be a prelude to the fact that he is dominating and likes other stuff like S&M. Again, ask him, I can't see what the problem is.

How do I approach the discussion, I mean without making him feel bad?

You say 'please don't bite me or pull my hair. I don't like it'. This isn"t about making him feel bad, it's about you having the right to set boundaries as to what you consider appropriate behaviour. A decent guy would accept this.

It's impossible to say if he's a porn addict. But his behaviour certainly suggests he watches a lot of it. How do you feel about him watching porn? Not all of 'the younger generation' do this you know. And if it's something you're uncomfortable with then that's a good enough reason to walk away.

It's got nothing to do with whether you've had 1,000 sexual partners 1 or none if you don't like he shouldn't do it.

You are worrying about his feelings, by not wanting to tell him that you didnt like the physical pain he inflicted on you? Why are his feelings worth more than your body?

I love getting my hair pulled and bitten each to their own OP, if you don't like it, say

Honestly if you are questioning it, I woud say you don't feel comfortable with it. I wouldn't be into that type of stuff, so I would say it. Or at last, when they are being gentle or what er, say that you much prefer that way

'You are worrying about his feelings, by not wanting to tell him that you didnt like the physical pain he inflicted on you? Why are his feelings worth more than your body?'

Well said Funky

What kind of man likes to pull hair and nibble his woman.

A man who is into domination. It's just a personal taste issue. There was a thread about this here recently. I'll see if I can find it in a minute.

It has absolutely nothing to do with porn, any more than it would be said of a woman who gets turned on by being submissive, is submissive because she watches porn.

A lot of women enjoy that kind of sex and basically, the way you find out what someone likes is by starting small and incrementally working up to it.

Very few people with what they perceive to be non-mainstream sexual tastes are open enough to sit down with a new partner and say "by the way, I'm into domination/submission/latex/etc" [Obviously some people are but not everyone]. So men (typically taking the lead) will test it incrementally. So rather than say to you directly (which would be best) I enjoy taking control and being dominant, would you like it? Start with a bit of hair pulling and rough sex. If that goes OK, then maybe a bit of light spanking and so forth.

If you don't like it, you need to tell him.

There is a tiny chance that he thinks that this is what all women want and is acting out porn scenarios. But if he is an adult man with any sexual experience it's a bit unlikely.

Absolutely, if you don't like it then say so. We like this sometimes, it's part if a whole heap of different things depending on mood but it took us a while to deviate from vanilla. I'd not have been comfortable with that in a new relationship when you don't know each other well enough to read their signals.

Great post, SelfLoathing

My DP pulls my hair a little when we are very very into it, I like it. He doesn't watch porn at all! Ever!

I think sex that follows a certain pattern with certain events gets very samey. We have different types of sex, sometimes its very passionate, other times its close, intimate, slow, soft and loving. Sometimes its rough and messy. Depends what we are in the mood for, its never spoken about before hand, it just goes the way we want it to naturally.

I think in your situation I'd probably start with more hints, move his hand away from your hair and put it where you want it. Do this a few times and he will probably get the message. If he doesn't you will have to just talk to him.
DP once knocked my lip during rough sex (it was dark and he didn't see, total accident) I was too in to the moment to say anything or even really feel it. Afterwards realised my lip was bleeding, he was utterly mortified and said he will never be that rough again and hasn't but I honestly didn't mind at all.

This is the thread I was thinking about. If you read the whole thing, there is more detailed discussion of BDSM and comments from women who enjoy it both ways - both as a dominant and as a sub. It's just a sexual preference; not particularly porn related. As I said, maybe could be dismissed as an porn-based experiment if he's 18 or so, but if he's any older and sexually experienced, it's probably just what turns him on.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2226157-Should-I-indulge-this-fantasy?

Great post, SelfLoathing

Why thank you BloodFlower

I must watch too much porn as I live nibbling on my partner and biting his lip. I'd probably pull his hair too if he had any

As said op I don't think it's that out of the ordinary but as with anything in the bedroom if it doesn't do it for you then tell him. Don't feel pressured into doing what he wants or feel prudish just because it's not up your street. Different strokes for different folks

I think suggesting it's porn is an odd response. My wife has a tendency to bite and nibble during sex (sometimes quite hard) and she doesn't watch any porn. It's just what she's into (doesn't really do anything for me, but I've always tried to follow Dan Savage's dictum and be GGG). If she does it too hard for my liking my response tends to be 'ow, a bit gentler please'.

Don't be afraid to talk to him. The best sex is always be had when people are equals and not afraid to communicate their desires and dislikes.

One other thing: you mention he's a decade younger than you, which makes me wonder if it could be youthful inexperience. Perhaps he hasn't had many sexual partners and is simply following what worked for him & a previous partner as he doesn't really have many frames of reference?

I think it's selfish and disrespectful that he'd be like this a) so early on, b) without talking about it first and c) without picking up that you're not in to it.

If you don't say anything, you're putting his wants before your own needs.

Its not that I don't enjoy it, its just I'm not exactly experienced

If I felt he was being out of order I'd say bye

Good to hear it Just be sure you're both on the same page as to the type of sex you want each time.

I love a bit if non-vanilla and alternative but we go through cycles of what we like. I'd certainly not want non-vanilla every time, I'd equally also be bored and less fulfilled at conventional non-vanilla sex every time.

A great catch all if you're after feeling just the love and not the sexual thrills and game plays is to express a current want for something else is to respond with, 'not this time, could we...'

So be clear in your own mind how you're feeling each session. It's ok to not want the same old same old sex and a bit of game play, equally it's ok to fancy a bit of reaffirming expression of love and romance. By expressing your 'not tonight' in conjunction with want you do want it's a positive thing and fun

The start of you relationship is your opportunity to get him trained up to satisfy you fully, so be sure to say things like, 'a little to the left, that's good, more of that please, if you do this, etc'

All has been said and I think the OP seems confident in herself to tell him what she wants and doesn't want.

I am quite dominant in bed which previous partners have enjoyed. However there is a time and place and you need to build up to new things slowly, be aware of their boundaries and change your approach if they don't like it.

Nothing wrong with experimenting and it is highly unlikely that a new couple will like the same things in bed. Trying new things is surely part of the fun, provided it is done with trust.

I have had things done to me which initially i was unsure about but now love - however those boundaries were pushed by those women in an entirely open and comfortable way.

Sex can get samey no matter how good or how soft/loving/domineering etc it is but having the intelligence/imagination to mix things up is what is important. All IME of course.

I saw a post recently on a male-dominated forum where I guy was saying his new girlfriend like to be choked and slapped in the face quite hard during sex.
He wasn't comfortable with this at all but was going along with it, obviously being a bit unhappy about it.

I guess a lot of people are scared of being "boring" in bed and a lot of people like it a bit rough from time to time.

If you don't like it, don't do it.
As a pp said, sex even with the same person can be gentle one session, rough another and still be healthy and normal.

Thanks all for advice, feel like a idiot seeking sex advice at my age. He is very sweet out of the bedroom and i suppose due to him being the first man after my very long relationship, i was thrown. I was made to feel inadequate by ex who would make digs about my performance, now i can see it was his insecurities and he wanted me to feel bad.
Loads of advice i will take on board. I will need to educate more but no way will I be slapped on the face unless he wants his balls hit, surely no man would want that during sex.

Oh there's all sort of things that people like to get up to behind closed doors. Generally, it's not something that gets discussed by those who like anything other than vanilla because we all get fed up of our partners being accused of playing out porn, it not being loving or us being victims despite it being what we like and have trained our partners in.

What's not helped it the bloody 50 shades books. Utter load of shite and completely incorrect in it's power play and relationship dynamics. Reckon this could be an issue for done down the line

Definitely don't agree to anything more with discussion though. You may well be coming across as more experienced than you are in this respect.

I have avoided reading 50 shades but recently wondered if I should for research.

Seriously not!

The important thing with anything sexual, especially non-vanilla, I'd communication.

If you can't talk about it, don't try it. It shouldn't be pushed by one.

What made me really sick about 50 shades was his lack of respect for her wishes and boundaries, like he browbeat her into it and that not what it should be.

Baby steps, exploring boundaries and certainly not pushing them. These things develop over time with experience and should never be rushed

@gottafindaman4yagirl

Thanks all for advice, feel like a idiot seeking sex advice at my age

It's impossible to ever know everything about sex, it changes with each relationship and within each relationship. It's a never ending, constantly evolving, adventure. So please never, ever, feel an idiot for asking.

@Joysmum:

Absolutely brilliant posts!